Ok Fine, Whatever, What about Me, by M

As I blamed my lack of enthusiasm about the way the election went on my hovering cold, since it's going to do whatever it's going to do, and so fine I voted but, no I didn't stay up all night watching election coverage about the coming of the anti-c-, I mean democratic messiah, because you know, i'm fighting off a cold. "Oh," says the woman who was up till 1am, reveling in the forth coming soci- erhm- revolution.

Last night I was slumped over in a bar, feeling overfed on steamed vegetables and a naughty but delicious grilled chicken sandwich when the election coverage began to get to me. I then fled under duress to the nearest Coffee Bean, where my cousin continued to text his ex- about her being a racist whore. I said, if you don't stop I'm going to leave you and shop at Ross. Even though I knew that Ross sucked in comparison to the one I went to yesterday. And still I sort of regret that I didn't leave him and go see if there was ANYTHING?! i could buy. I was RIGHT THERE.

He continued to talk about how 70% of women are shallow and like to date assholes. And the beautiful ones, forget it. I said, women aren't like that. To which he said, you're an exception. Which I was vaguely, basically latently offended. Because obviously being fat and a Christian who has moral values, rules me out of any basic commentary on what women want and what a man has to do to get them. And the reason I'm single is because I'm fat and not putting myself out there. Because to him, since he is awesomely attractive, compassionate and moderately successful, he should be able to date any woman he wants. And why is it so hard. I referred him to the Southpark Episode entitled: "The List"... though I don't know if he realized it was mainly an inditement on him... or part of him, and what he wants.

While I vomited into my cup of Earl Grey and he texted his ex about who brought up what first, I continued to stare at Ross. Eventually I said, I have to go to bed, which included taking 2 benedryl and trying not to freak out about anything. Because though we ended up talking about hot chicks, obama, the subtle flavors of beer, his drug addict parents, and money, it really all came down to everything I believe and everything he doesn't. Which left me thinking I just want to sew my dress and make it perfect for Saturday and God, why can't he just get it. Which left me sitting here today drawing sketches about trimming bull horns and alligators attacking other alligators. And maybe going to get a latte.. like right after i post this.



For further reading on what i really wanted to repeat over and over and over about my depressed passively suicidal cousin:

here's the thing about people who are depressed, which you are, and i understand that. You are consumed with yourself. Understandably but it is at times vain and narcissistic to continually be dissatisfied with your condition and state with so much other shit going on in the world. And I know you know this, as you say. I've been there so I get it. But it's a decision that you have to make that the things you do in life, how you treat yourself, how you treat others, matters, even in the small ways. And bottom line, from a Christian perspective: Your life is not yours to give or to take. And control rests with Christ, not with you. And you have to decide to give it over to him or not. He is either bigger than you, and your life is his to do what he pleases with or he is small and worthless and not to be trusted. But I'm telling you i feel the reward in acknowledging him author of my life over EVERYTHING, and there is JOY to be had there, not just fleeting happiness. and there is worth in you! WORTH. actually. you are here for a reason. and you are VALUABLE. and necessary.

being even, passively suicidial at times, you can continue on that road of disconnection, severing ties, feeding the lying monster... or you can say wait, why am i believing it? why? just because you're not where you want to be? and its ok to acknowledge and admit why you're angry, why you think it sucks, why being alone for you right now is not ok, but you need to start the work of actually loving yourself despite anything else. And understanding God loves you more than you can fathom even loving yourself or anyone.

A lot of our problems, perhaps yours, lies in a deep seated need for control- control of circumstance, of life, of other people, and we spend/waste so much of our time trying to do that- it causes anger, frustration, jealousy... when we can't get what we want, right now- we continually look at the world as failing us, friends failing us, and then eventually we are failing us. We dismiss the journey, the story we have here and now even when it sucks. Also there is no one here on earth that can fix you. I firmly believe that. Nor is there anyone on earth who can complete you in the way you need to be completed. Friends, Family, a lover, girlfriend, whatever, wife--- can't ever be enough either. Because its in our nature to be fallible and at times equally self-consumed. And those demons of darkness will grasp you through all the travails of life. What you're looking for is an immediate fix that you think will fill the gap, instead of struggling with and overcoming your internal issues- over control, over not feeling loved, of not meeting the world's idea of success, and that there is deeper meaning to be had in life when taken with humility and a fuckload of hard work...

We've had this discussion, this same exact one before. I can get together and hang with you but we can't talk about this. And i'll tell you why. Not only have we discussed this before but we're philosophically different. Totally opposed. I think your pride and ego and your inability to seek help and look at things differently is causing this- but you don't. You as well as us, keep going in circles every time this issue comes up. How long are you going to continue to hold onto your beliefs in this regard, have them fail you then be unwilling to see it any other way? What are you doing differently that's going to come up with a different answer? That rules out a therapist? and why?

You're depressed, so a lot of what I say is going to be lost in your tenacious need to be right- because you're looking for anything to validate your claims that this is how the world is. And your obsessed over the failures of the past, and over relationships- which you think should be easy to get because everyone else has one? And i'm telling you none of that is usually true and then you're just going to tell me why I'm wrong. I think bottom line you want to view your life as a failure, and you want to be unloved and you're unwilling to do anything about it because in some way it feeds you and gives you what you want. And you're going to tell me from an idiotic world and society view why i'm wrong to tell you that life isn't about that.

The thing about faith, and i understand that you're not a christian, which is why i prefaced it by saying "from a christian perspective"... it has nothing to do with wishing to god and hoping that poof your life will magically change on a rainbow of good luck. it's literally about submitting yourself in humility over life, which you don't have control of. And you are completely wrong about it not being about control. You are a control freak, and you're in total denial about it. The reason you regret your past, regret your circumstance, is becuase you regret you can no longer control the outcome, as if at the time you could anyway. Granted life is about choice, but your chosing right now, to dwell in the misfortune of your past, and further you're making a choice to say that i'm just stuck that way, that's how i'm built.... and if you don't think you can change, make different choices, then what am i going to say to help you? I can't. You have to be willing to look at life differently- not from a materialistic standpoint, not from a success standpoint. You are chosing a vain path and it is leading you to your destruction.

He took it all in good stride... but of course he replied, why shouldn't a man have pride and ego and success and money and a wife and a house and kids and the good life... and not struggle or have hardship because you know... it's like so easy. And so the snake bites the tail.

L-A-M-E

Apparently, Netflix will no longer be selling previously viewed DVDs. Huh! No more Juno for $5.99?! Granted, I’ve only purchased a few used movies from them, but with free shipping to boot, having this option to buy was a big perk of the membership.  The email said something about bringing back the focus to providing great movies for rental. What-ev-er.

My question is, where will the surplus movies then go? If Netflix could direct me to the website where the cheapies will be available, that would be great, thanks. And it better be free shipping.

Shadow Box #4, by M

I've gone minimal here. This is for a November someone. Not a January someone. I'm still working on that one... but what have you. Here it is. I am not quite sure how the items will hold up to time however.

for the record…

• I did make an informed decision prior to casting my vote for President.
• I do not fully agree with my chosen candidate’s proposed policies.
• I do recognize that McCain’s agenda can also be seen as redistributionist, socialism for the wealthy, and/or socialism, period.
• I don’t support those policies, either.
• Ultimately, I chose the party/candidate that I feel will  be better for this country. In the long run.
• I’m quite sure Obama will win anyway.

That is all.

weights on/weights off

weights on:

• Have not lost any weight despite exercising 4x per week and cutting back snack intake.
• Am currently major slacker in the online writing group department, must get act together.
• Suddenly the entire house is grimy and/or dusty.
• The child is sleeping terribly again.
• J.Lo and I wonder when The Office, despite continuing to be funny this season, will actually get back into the actual office.

weights off:

• Purchased two pairs of pants today that *gasp* FIT correctly.
• Boxed/bagged up a half-ton of clothes to be donated.
• Deleted Heroes from the DVR roll. It was us, not them.
• Have early voted, procured sticker and sense of having done civic duty.
• Car will be inspected tomorrow, will no longer be driving around conspicuously.

Halloween at Work, by M.

In a shocking display of team spirit I dressed up, brought my pumpkin and purple lights to work... ooo spooky. (pics of fellow dresser uppers forthcoming. ) We'll see how long i can keep this corset rockin'.

pen’s pumpkin

  

Pumpkin Spirits

I told mom that in order to ward off evil spirits one actually had to carve the pumpkin and not just stare at it to see how long it lasts. the very big pumpkin i was going to let her hold, and pet and feed treats to until it started moldering into the ground and a little under three weeks at that! I blame the hot weather. Because there's no way I picked a bad pumpkin. But anyway, I had little pumpkin left, and rallied the troops last night in a grand hurrah. I think it reflects perfectly my internal mood, and the recent book mom and I finished. All in all, it makes me just a tad more happy, to smell that pumpkiny smell, light a candle and watch him to do his job of protecting us from evil. Here's to Halloween!

Tuesday Thoughts: regarding the rest of the week, by M

Apparently the week was not quite done with me.

Friday: The girl knew her check was coming late, so went out into the wide world for a respite. She hopped in her car and as she drove out of the garage, her breath was knocked from her by a large muscle on the left side of her back, and it's iron-fisted grip. She hunched forward, holyfuckingwhat, escaping her lips. She breathed out with wide eyes as her nerves now being stuck by pins spread across her back, her breath coming in deep sighs, felt tight and constricted as her back muscles fought the movement. Every breath uncomfortable. She pressed her back against the seat. FUCK, she thought, as she now could no longer turn her head to the left or tip it to the right. This was good times. But the girl did eventually go to the gym and jumped into the jacuzzi, then the pool, then the steam room, and shoveled some advil into her mouth, lathering herself in icy/hot and going to bed even as the headache spread and hovered at the base of her neck. Blissful sleep.

Saturday: The girl woke, not quite well but vowed to venture downtown to the fabric district. It was uncommon hot, and her friend had brought friends and they manically went from store to store to store until the girl grew dizzy from fabric options and wanted to just stand still and think. And as time tore from her at the 11th hour she found a different direction and spent $30 on 20yards. Gold. Mine. And although she fell further behind against the clock, things were going well, just ok, until the friend and the friend's friend started talking about religion. I suppose the girl had started it, fed it, when the friend said, this girl is all RELIGIOUS, despite the fact the girl sat there as a known church goer, she asked why? What do you mean? To which they said, we know you're not like that BUT, religion is brainwashing, religion is a republican fear-mongering tactic, religion is pathetic and pointless, and have it however you want as long as you don't PUSH IT ON ME. And the girl furrowed her brow and could not find the words, as she felt smashed against the pane of THEIR BELIEFS, and then she said, well religion is different than Jesus, to which her friend said, yah, but. And the girl said, so you don't believe in Jesus anymore? To which her friend went, eh.... And the girl turned her head to the window, and was very glad to have sunglasses on, as it seemed she'd just been told that her friend of 18 years didn't love HER anymore. And she found her heart just a little bit broken. And saw that her friend glanced over, but still could find nothing to say.

Sunday: She got a call from a friend who wanted to see her. So the girl saw her, and the girl stared with disdain at the Obama/Biden button, and wanted a McCain/Palin Button of her own to wear as they sat over their lunch salads and iced tea. But she didn't say anything but sat slumped and melancholy. They talked but the girl was not very good company. And then they went to leave, her beloved car lolly, went SCRUNCH against the pylon on the left. And the friend said, I saw that. THEN WHY THE FUCK DIDN"T YOU SAY SOMETHING. I thought, for sure you saw it. The girl said, PLEASE stop saying shit like that. When I ran the stoplight and you said, Are you sure? What the fuck was that suppose to mean. If you're not going to help, stop saying you could've helped but just refused to SAY SOMETHING. FUCK... Do you want to get out and look at it, asked the friend. NO I DO NOT, said the girl, who in all of her years of driving had NEVER done that particular maneuver, on any more or less important cars. She stared straight ahead and tried to make it home, and when her father suggested the friend stay for dinner she said NO, and when they suggested dinner next week, the girl said she'd have to check her schedule, because the girl no longer thought it right that the father could talk better to the friend than to her. And later, the girl read Dracula to her mother, and they watched Clue, and she had an allergic reaction to wheat cereal and felt, very, very sorry for herself.

Monday: The girl woke with a vow to not go to work, but found herself driving there anyway, and managed to vote (proud as she googled each proposition), and write a little something, and harass people about the prayer ministry meeting from last wednesday....and not do her french homework, but went to class anyway, only to feel her whole body humming and screeching and wanting to lay down. She thought, it could've been the cookie, brownie and ricekrispie treat I had earlier, but the girl thought it more likely was her back. And then as they sat talking about subjunctive clauses her left hand throbbed, and she turned it palm up and went to rub a sore spot on the pad of her palm, but it hurt more when she did it, and she could see a vien bulging up and turning purple with a swath of pink around it, but the girl didn't know why. She only hoped that, after spending 5 minutes resting her eyes in a bathroom stall that she would be able to make it home without further incident. She could only hope Tuesday would prove better. And the twinge in her eye indicated that she herself couldn't believe it.

senior prom, pen

Why exactly are we doing this, anyway?