Friday, October 1, 2010


so i had some seriously depressive episodes yesterday when i realized i had thought it was friday and it wasn't. it occurred to me also that i don't like 1/2 assing my job out of sheer disgruntledment, boredom, or ill-defined borders. i mean i almost want to apologize to 'dip' for sucking so much... which granted i don't suck that much but i still feel i'm doing everyone a disservice, total failure to thrive. failure to do it RIGHT. i felt this way when i knew i had to get out of stagemanaging. sometime by importanceofbeingearnest and it was like no going anywhere, closing down the doors kind of apathy. but anyway. i recently described to danica the issue facing me about jobs is akin to the issues i had with math. let me recount it for you here:

sometime around 5th grade i got an award for math but by 7th grade my teacher mr.frendt said, but m. it's SO easy. i did not think so. i felt like an idiot. by 9th grade after passing the first semester with a c? or d? not sure, i had to retake a portion of pre-algebra at a thug innercity school over the summer. by 10th grade i harrowingly passed with a C? or B-... i remember really liking it but my teacher mrs. levoe i think said, what happened on that test? i don't know. i never did. but it was always very bad. by 11th grade geometry i had to retake it in summer school just like i had with the pre/alg. by 12th grade i'd convinced my school advisor that taking math would tank my average. couldn't i take art class like i'd always wanted instead? as in 9th grade she had, for some reason stuck me in business principles/accounting with a bunch of thug/soontobeconvict 11th/12th graders, and i had to fight my way into ap english (i know. there are no words).... by admission to college i had to take a YEAR of remedial math. The first was geometry which i learned to love and lose my fear over. i felt smart, i sored. it was beautiful. the 2nd semester was algebra and it was a bit more treacherous but i passed. Then came a non-native english speaker teaching me math and suddenly it was plummeting down the cliff again and UnauthorizedWithdrawl land. THEN barely passing the following semester with a C? an easy class of shapes and geometry... something about those tests going horribly wrong again... anyway this is what i think of when i think of getting a job- or a different job, or finding a way out of myself and a job. i think impossible. i think panic. i think incompetence. and perpetual failure. i do not think positively. i think of people not being able to communicate with me or understand me and something going horribly wrong btw enjoying the learning, game and formulas of it all too the testing out of it all. so any machivellian plan to get me to some other place by well meaning people is going to meet with all of this behind it. is all i'm saying. it is not so easy as "have you thought of... " and "what about..." or "you just need to..."

but anyway enough of that. enclosed please find the following photos over the last part of september.

here i am embracing that fad i told you about. the red ones were cutting off my circulation but such is the price of fashion.

see on my face that sweet smell and light of freedom: the commute after 3months alone is really getting to me and so is the consuming of my days by such hours... esp now its getting darker sooner.

here i am toasting to someones engagement. she didn't text me back. perhaps she thought i was just flaunting the free tea at my yoga studio in her face. i was not. but i have learned my lesson. on a more positive note, they have the most beautiful arrangements... i suppose it makes up for the exorbitant prices per class? i know not.

here i am impressed with my phone at the hbowl. for the s/m/s/along. i mean seriously amazing. also did i mention there is a cross on the hill to the upper right and the harvest moon was rising over it into the night sky. seriously epic.

g4ntwrk. gotta love the boys play space. this is where i play wiitennisnow.
this is vine/hwood roughly as i come into the city from heinous traffic to more street traffic. aka also heinous traffic. though this gap is fairly optimistic.

here i am on mid/wilshire. i had 2 walk like 2 blocks as there was some war with all the foodtrucks outside my office and the other food business places... but then i got to see this. which apparently is the berlin wall? i only worry cuz now it just looks like modern art. same problem i had at the nixon and regan museums...

please note the spectacular skies ... we doNOT get clouds often esp if you're not at the beach. march and october are good months for these magical things, but do note we do not take them for granted. obviously the black sign is representative of the more negative aspect of having to actually go to work in juxtaposition to such beauty. (driving south east)

this was after it rained 2 drops or so that night. the dramatics! so rare a sight.

i just like this design texted me the same rainbow she saw... her's was loveliness. we were thinking along the same lines. sometimes...this is where i get on the freeway most everynight. its pretty spectacular lighting. usually just blue.

oh and how did i not load pics of the shoes?! luckily i have a couple on my work desktop to show you... (oh and its not a prison. thats the bathroom that has yet to get new tile. ahem. please focus on how awesome the shoes are.


somebodys mom said...

Hugs to you daughter.
Love the photos and loved that you sent me a rainbow just after I sent you a rainbow. Touche!

pen said...

i totally get it. and it's a brave story, in a lot of ways.
heart the pictures.

almost anonymous said...

Cute shoes!

So far I've missed all the rainbows, but at least I caught the end of last night's sunset on the clouds. It reminded me of the Disney animated Hercules with at the swirly orange and pink clouds on Olympus. (And so then I had songs from that stuck in my head...)