I feel like I’m kinda burned out. Or something. Perhaps it’s best not to analyze, but you know I can’t help myself. My to-do list has decreased, but I’ve hit that unpleasant wall with no motivation to do what little is there. J.Lo started doing the laundry for me on Sunday, and I feel half-guilty, half-pleased. Like I can’t even hack the laundry, what is UP. But seriously? When it’s super-busy with deadlines, I can’t hack the laundry. The folding! Ugh.
And I ponder my constant desire for *newness* and the inability to settle into what is. Always seeking to change or improve everything from my occupation to my eating habits to my desktop wallpaper. Journey. Would be nice if I were inclined to pick the road and travel down it, taking in the sights, rather than forging a million little crazy forks for myself. I’m just saying.
Meanwhile, we’ve been watching “The Middle,” which I love. I relate! But it makes me pause. I feel like, considering our resources, is it even fair to ponder a third child. Yes, there’s always enough love to go around, that’s not the problem. Practicality intervenes—and yes, God always provides, but that’s not the problem, either. I feel like I am choosing between a life that is even more hectic and financially burdened, doomed to shag carpet and clashing lime-green paint on the walls… or a more manageable life that features extra *possibility* for someday, including and especially travel. Like how am I ever going to go the places I want to someday go, if there is a third. Anyway. And I come back again to Journey, staying on and enjoying the chosen path. Have I already chosen?
In the meantime, I have temporarily but officially overdosed on sad stories. No more human trafficking literature for awhile, at least not in book form. I am instead reading Airhead, by Meg Cabot, my trusted supplier of literary candy. Or perhaps Queen of Babble. Or maybe both. I checked out both from the library. The Blue Notebook, the audio CD I recently ripped for the iPod, will have to wait.
So, can we fast-forward through February, already? I’m over it. Oh wait… Journey. Dammit! It’s just that I’m looking forward to my favorite season and month, March, which includes a Ben Folds concert(!), spring weather, a birthday, and oh yes—a visit. From YOU! I am perhaps a little bit excited.
love,
pen
4 comments:
well there were the warning signs... you know the, i went anti-list and now i'm so busy its nice to reclaim that, etc... you just weren't used to it like you used to be so its totally natural for you to be slumped into oblivion and needing some downtime. hiding in an anenome or perhaps a bit of volcanic rock. and you'll come back again all ready to rabble rouse. we did/ or have always discussed february as a dark month yes? perhaps more analysis is needed... i don't remember if you patently reject that idea or you agreed but were reluctant.
i think i was once reluctant to accept february as a dark month, insisting that it was october instead. but octobers have been fine lately. let's just label february as an official month of suckitude. or at least malaise.
February is weird because it's so short. And except for leap year, the dates fall on the same day in March and feel like de ja vu.
And since I'm going back to work (hooray, and finally), I have to figure out what must be crammed into Feb.
If you need some background changing, I suggest playing with the blog :) I love the new blue/gray tint to the picture and boxes, but for me it's not working with the warmer tint of the argyle brown and turquoise. Maybe that's just my monitor.
I'm loving the soft blues - I can actually READ things easily (hmm, perhaps that's what I was subconsciously avoiding? I wanted to mention it every time I came, but felt I was always a complaining nag, but could NOT handle the black on burgundy!)
ahhh, the big #3 question. I am quite content with what we have, but do have moments of sadness thinking a definitive decision has been made, and love big families and feel I have so much love to give, but really. . the longer it goes, the more likely it has been determined, because I LOVE how close our 2 currently are and feel like a third wheel is already off-kilter, so creating that extra gap in age would just be added cruelty? just my own struggles.
Post a Comment