dear m,

I have so much to say about Wal-Mart, it won’t even fit on Twitter.

First of all… what was I thinking, really. Those non-grocery items I mentioned were also non-Thanksgiving items. Meaning, they could have waited until the weekend to be purchased. At some other store. And I could have just gone to the nice, normal grocery store today. But no.

Second, the moment I realized that Wal-Mart didn’t even have said non-grocery, non-Thanksgiving items, would it not have been reasonable to just turn the cart around and exit speedily from the building? And then head to the nice, normal aforementioned grocery store?

But, no. The parking lot was more crowded than normal, because again, it’s the day before Thanksgiving. I parked about halfway between my house (about 3 miles away) and the store. It was sprinkling. Cold. There were puddles. K.Lo has a cold but doesn’t like to wear her jacket over her summer dresses. Whatever.

On entering the building, I noticed a girl exiting the building who happens to work at Costco. I guess there’s stuff you can’t buy at Costco…otherwise, why would I be there instead of the glorious Costco…but still. Something depressing there I can’t quite articulate.

Immediately, I encountered what would prove to be the most maddening issue of this shopping trip. What kills me about Wal-Mart. The aisles are reasonably wide, enough for two carts to pass each other without problem, and yet. People manage to stagger themselves so that there’s no way to pass. And they just stand there, either oblivious, or rude, or both? For ages. And ages. And AGES.

Cleanup on Aisle 67: my brain just exploded.

And God forbid you forget something on your list that was at the back of the store, which you don’t remember or realize until you’re at the front of the store, inches from the checkout. And freedom.

They didn’t have the size grapevine wreath, or any crafting wreath, really, that I needed for my Advent project. Forget about the candles, who knows where they hide those suckers. And did I really need replacement 40-watt light bulbs today? Nope. So here is the point I should have left, and yet soldiered on over to the groceries, encountering too many incidents of Maddening Aisle Oblivion to count. The children were getting squirrely. N.Lo spilling/smashing his juice cup all over the cart and onto K.Lo, who alternately whined about being smashed/splattered upon and being tired. Not to mention the hunger issue, as it was lunchtime. For future reference, a meager bowl of goldfish consumed in the car before and after yoga is not enough. For anyone.

The carts at Wal-Mart aren’t made so you can stow groceries underneath; most everything falls through the cracks. So I had to stack it all around K.Lo. She sat on the cheese 3 times at least. Squished the bread. Was mauled by a box of Pop-Tarts or some-such.

They didn’t sell candy corns, so the Thanksgiving turkey cupcakes are sadly (not so sadly? I’m sort of relieved) out.

And then, in a crazy moment of consumerist surrealism, the cross-eyed cashier I always avoid at Target was shopping at Wal-Mart and I nearly got in line behind her.

Ahhhh!

We managed to get through the checkout line, but barely, with N.Lo throwing fits over helping load items onto the conveyer belt and me attempting to organize my coupons/pay/load all paid-for items back into the cart around the sleeveless K.Lo and the melting-down N.Lo. Accosted by the bell-ringing man outside who was wearing, like, 3-D glasses? I don’t know? Couldn’t find the car… children jumping in puddles, running out into traffic, blood sugar dropping… We had to take a moment to devour some cheese sticks in a Mozza Moment of Zen before continuing on.

As we pulled away, K.Lo remarked, “That was so much fun!”

I need a nap. And a drink. Luckily, I didn’t forget to buy the wine.

-pen.