Dear Penelope,

it was a strange restless day. i should've made myself go to yoga. but getting up at 9 and leaving at 930. . . its just a different kind of waking up to do and i should've done it. i regret it. i'm sitting here now having taken an inch or two off my hair- all the blonde chlorinated bits, letting my hair grow out in the meantime until it changes its mind. eating a sugarfree popsicle, one of my current addictions, watching a mightywind. i tried brownrice tortillas today, that went over pretty well. along with some peas. and a bbq chicken salad.

i went outside earlier and it was glorious and i felt so lucky to be home and experiencing such beautiful blue sky. but i still felt aimless. the word that LL had for me was "stay the course". she said, that's what i got. seriously. she said. and i felt like i was wandering around a ship unsure of what was next on the agenda of staying the course. yesterday that lightbulb came on and i went clicking away on my website. still unconvinced of putting paypal on there. and after all that, went to load the new look and the password didn't work. (i'm going to go get another popsicle.) so then today i was clicking away at various photographs, sorting, ordering... i'm still 2 years behind on ordering photos and that makes me about 3ish years behind from my albums. that masterplan of redoing them and setting off from the beginning hasn't quite started yet. its like when i was examining my 'cum laude' status for college and regretting that i didn't go back and retake those courses that lowered my average. i mean still, its a twinge. and at 33 i recognize its complete irrelevance and yet still. i tilt my head and my left eye twitches. i guess though some of my photos start looking ridiculous- i think, wait, why am i printing that picture of a tree? that's stupid. even if lets say its a spectacular sunset- one among many i've captured. jaded. maybe i think it needs to be part of a story. i don't know. and yet such a shame. you almost think, this is what people are missing. so i have to take it back, capture it in the magic machine that actually sees what the eye sees and records it.

makes me think i don't want to carry my camera around anymore. and so i stared out at the blue sky and the hummingbirds and finches and my dog bodo and let a couple hours fly by. when i got back inside i put my french cds in a ziplock bag so they wouldn't get dusty and clicked at more pictures. and somehow the day passed. and here i am now. and i don't know exactly whats been done or where i've been but who wants to go to sleep on such an indefinite note as that, and nothing on tv to watch and nary a netflix. it occurs to me that i could've been reviewing french the whole time, but its like i said, things aren't clicking right into place for me until its sort of absurd that i remember it. like now, when i'm about to go to bed. but the list is failing me, because as much as i stare at it, it doesn't mean anything. kind of a thing that makes you pick at your cuticles and get a re-fill on iced tea.

'night.