solitary

Hello, Here I am again, doing laps. It's an odd start so far. Sort of pushed me in and expected me to swim. Though my habit without guidance is more, swim a little, float, swim some more, wonder what I'm suppose to be swimming toward. Still not quite sure. Get out of the water often. Take my fully regimented breaks in the full sun of a beautiful wind-swept day, find rest and serenity in the bathroom- a quiet, dark and cool space where I can stretch and deep breathe. Watch a lot of people chatting and swimming further down the pool in the deep end, daring people to jump off the highdive. Look around in my section and the only other guy is getting instructions from the coach. Pushing him hard and telling him they like the way he looks. Coach isn't looking my way. Find it kind of uninspiring. Want to be independent and self guided only if I'm suppose to be. Sort of wonder if I'm being tested or set up to fail. Maybe forgotten about. Warily I do back-strokes to time and try to enjoy it. Make eye contact, smile in the appropriate spaces. Look up at the sky and try not to think about it.