Monday, July 22, 2013


I like that you phrase love as lack of control. It  makes me look at it over and over again. Trying to remember my own words as it were. I think back to this conclusion and I think of my dog Bodo. Ever loving with those sad soul-filled eyes. Glorious.

There was a moment of sitting with him on the bench where I understood the root of  my anger- and it wasn't love. It was control. I wanted things my way, the exact way, the right way. Not that my anger was all wrongly ordered- i can and was rightfully (righteously) angry about a lot of things. But with him- to expect certain things of this willful creature just wasn't realistic, and i was setting us up for failure. And then later with a particular friend I was constantly counseling at the time the absolute frustrated rage i would get in when they wouldn't take my advice. And it wasn't that I was wrong. But it didn't matter. Right or Wrong. It didn't make them see or hear. And that's when I shifted again to the concept of the heart- and how God is the one who has to bring the change. None of us on are own can. It's tyrannizing. Good habits help I'm sure. Relinquishing control and perfection bit by bit- knowing when to fight for it or let the hems be crooked on the curtains and knowing i can as soome 12steps must say I can only change what i can change, and the rest is in God's hands. Perfection is a sonofabitch though- that goes for how we want the world to be, we say it's for it to be better- but "better" in what sense? and for whom?  Obviously it doesn't negate action but it humbles it. I think puts it in its proper- this is your plot of land- this is your actual neighbor- sort of space.

You need to listen to the Keller sermon- because he talks about Anger as an aspect of Love- not the antithesis of it. But that it points to what we love. And that because of sin our love and thus our anger is sometimes disordered. As in not in the right place. It's good fodder for thoughtstuff. I found the concept to be the next fun avenue to venture down about anger- but yes- love is surrender. it's that heady dying to yourself- i will not hold onto this- it isn't mine. Hummm. Good stuff.

anyway -

Orange is the new - no. Is it a positive show? What's the sitch on it- i mean jail right? obviously? And then what?

Fake funerals = awesome.
Tomato blight = no bueno. It reminds me of the poor pumpkin harvests we've had the last 5+ years.

Pro-run - yea zacposen!

and - mental vacuum.

at church is just constant family politic negotiating- oh and the amazing coffee which tastes like butterscotch. so i had my fill of that until my stomach was eating itself. and as everyone - all those extroverted greeters were like- how are you? i replied with "driving rain"... and then said "well i do have an umbrella. so it's not all bad." and i managed to floor him/the greeter/ as he actually said, thank you for that thoughtful response, and then spoke in my language to say that he hoped that it would clear later in the day and that the sun would come out. i found articulating my day with various weather conditions to be the best so far for me in fighting my i will not lie or non-respond.

oh and mom is all bit by bit moving out- one sheet bundle of stuff at a time. as she has things to hang in her closet now. nice. like rods and a few shelves? well we have to start somewhere.

things to look forward to = finished painting, 2 finished necklaces, possibly batting cages. hanging curtains, various things in rooms... these are actually things to do but we'll see about momentum.

off to kill evil,
xo m.


1 comment:

bruckner said...

I dined at the ivy today and thought of you. Just kidding. I didn't eat there. But I passed it. And I thought of you two and your blog. Which gave me an idea. If I ever blog again, I'm changing the blog's name to. The Verse: Making the Starbucks, then I will always be on the minds of my readers!!!!

So I see we're back on the God subject again. :) I don't know what it is about this place but it seems to be having an affect on me. My latest script is VERY God heavy. Which is a definite departure for me (as Im generally preoccupied with stories about female bodybuilders). I guess what I'm trying to say is keep up the good work. I'm plagiarizing all of it.