Wednesday, May 15, 2013


How do you fare?

It's been a long time since I've written. In coming home I've lost the lodestone of me. I'll find it again. We'll have more to say. Things not just whirling around. For the record, you and me, we're dancing around big topics. Spiritual things. Encounters. Tests. Tremors and upsets. Divides. Course setting things i feel- that will when we look back upon our letters be unwritten and the weight of the unwritten, oh my. That's where we betray ourselves. Or simply cannot find words to say. I understand. I've spent two months speaking, but I almost wonder if Jeju will ever come up again. It must? Rocksolid was the change. I tell people: it was a challenge. it was anxiety of the body divorced of the mind. I didn't feel safe. I meditated on the rocky shores almost every day for months and again and again the word - safe. I felt drawn to intimacy with Jesus. I understand, as John the Baptist did that he could die knowing that Jesus was the one who was to come- he didn't have to look for another. I wept at the thought. The time was about abandonment of self into God's hands. Walking the way of holiness. Coffee. One day being delivered into God's heart. Feeling encompassed. Feeling able to love fully the place He had put me. And then the journey and travel of it all- the rest. And then i came back. And everyday seemed much the same as a long time ago but different anxieties, looking peripherally at the job. Bothered but not that i don't own a pair of jeans. That i need a queen mattress. That there's nothing in my room but a bed and a tv. I don't have a cellphone, or a dayplanner. I don't even know if i can hold onto the things that have passed. past. And my nails are splitting. I'm drying out all over. I'm weirded out over the prospect of gaining weight. I don't know where the footholds are. Or where in the house I should be.

And between those things, I'll just mention for myself that I had an encounter with a lightening rod of God. (at the conference aut invited me to) I said to her, oh my, you're a lightening rod. She said, keep receiving unless you're driving. It built up till the next day and poured over for hours. I saw the heavens. There was an angel behind danica. I was in tears. After, taken up, tired and calm. The next day burning with God's love for you, for anyone I saw. And then there was the tea, and J speaking in tongues. And the church conflict- losing the building, the letters, the conversations and dipping back in. And now a womens retreat. And the dreams, the bridal magazine, the prophetic elementary school friend, and the same-sex debate trying to ruin my wedding (that dream). My husband to be, having issues with his top-hat. Not, defined. Oh and my birthday.

Lately I've found God wants me to continue to be relational. people over lists. worship over responsibility. I think He is patently rejecting my concept of projects, and bulldozing. I still don't even know if I'm at my full capacity. It doesn't seem like it as the only thing i got done was cleaning out a linen closet and doing laundry. With plenty of breaks. I've also found there's even less on Tv then there was when I left. I find myself most comfortable in front of the computer. When it's not crashing. I still dont have the cord for the laptop and indeed the lens and my camera are no longer speaking.

It all feels not myself and jumbled.

And my jaw is constantly clenched. Yoga helped a little bit this morning. But still i barely relaxed and even though i tried to close my eyes after battling sentient military ships via xbox... i just couldn't. I kept playing. Oh and meanwhile the house- kitchen cabinets mostly gone through, j's couch where the old one used to be and a middleages inspired bench where the stereocabinet was. My grandfathers navy chest where the sidetable used to be. So it comes, it goes- it's evolving. Soon what once was will be gone and what comes will be what is.

Ok, i'm off to pick popcorn out of my teeth and hydrate. Oh and watch ONCE. THe office is making me so angry. Just nevermind. I did see the end of AR by the way- but i just didn't know or care much about who to root for.

-for later: postcards, the everyday.

1 comment:

bruckner said...

Oh, would you come on???? I have nothing to add to a predominately religious post. I don't think I've ever had one of those 'I feel God wants me to' moments. Sure, for a long time I've wanted/begged to see an honest to God angel (you know, floating in my doorway late at night or something), but beyond that, religion is a hard thing to add my two cents to. But what I do feel authorized to comment on is the dramatic and disappointing drop in blog activity around here. Come on, some of us have a hard time sleeping. Some of us are a good ways into our sad terminal decline. And we need new shit to read.