dear pen,

the kitten is nestled near my neck and purring. calming my breath. which is necessary in assuring me as i started crying when the chrysalis we'd been protecting that had stupidly hung itself on the trashcan handle was knocked down by one of dads workers. i freaked out and luckily found it not crushed near the mint and then after accidentally dropping it, doing some internet research, pinned it to a stick and put it back in the ivy. dammit. i was like, i can't take it. apparently i do not subscribe to darwins theory of survival of the fittest when it comes to personal encounters. for instance the other day in the park i kept feeding a duck with a limp leg and another one that had a partially missing bill. you can do it duck, you can do it. wahhhhhh. *sniff* you can do it little guy please become a butterfly and don't die. wahhhhhh. it's too much.

the morning started off bad too. weird dreams- something about a production and backstabbings and betrayal and drama and waking up to find my attempt to consolidate balances was denied. and then books i suggested were banned from a reading list. with a weird excuse of 'i've never heard of them'... and!? i suddenly felt censored. well quite literally. and jobless which is perpetual but this time i can actually use the term dire. as i am at the cliff. literally this time and not just heading toward it. and the girl who's organizing the teaching we're doing through october suggested we bring paperplates, napkins, cups and flatware to all of the 5 teachings we're doing as our contribution! are you kidding me!

nevermind it's all too much.
i may just spend the rest of the day sulking.