I've talked about losing my brain cells several times on the blog, particularly during pregnancy. Or maybe I didn't, and I've lost too many brain cells to remember properly. It wasn't just pregnancy, because I'm still pretty dumb; I really think, at least for me, it's being out of school. Every once in awhile I'll say something that sounds like the old me, the school me, and I'm like... whoa. Did I really just formulate that thought in my brain and express it out loud effectively? Maybe it wasn't even particularly impressive, but at least it wasn't completely daft. The "right" word seems consistently to elude me, and basic facts about the world that I once knew, whether useful, useless, or somehow in-between, seem to be lost forever. Or maybe they're just buried under the rubble of pop-culture fluff and mommyhood that seems to occupy much of my immediate thought bank.I used to be good at school, like really good. I'm not saying that is the indication that I was once smart, but it can be an indication. I was also a hard worker, but I was genuninely good at school. I don't mean grad school, either, by the way. I mean, I did fine in grad school, the GPA was up there, but for pete's sake, they might as well have graded us on a smiley face/gold star scale, right? Show up to class? Smiley face! Complete all projects? Gold star! But I digress... In both college and grade school, I pulled in almost all A's. I like, knew stuff. All the subjects, too--math, science, language arts. I was better at biology and chemistry than I was at earth science and physics, but I still killed the Regents at the end of the year. They were my mental glory days. God, I hope not. And of course at the time, I thought it would actually get me somewhere. I mean, I'm certainly not complaining about my current life status. (And I'm also not trying to brag about school--it just happened to be a pretty big part of who I was, back then.) But obviously, what we think we're working toward while we're growing up, that glowing reception from the Big World Out There and all the people in it who will recognize our specialness, the big "prize" of a fulfilling, exciting career--it all goes up in a sad puff of smoke the second we graduate. Or maybe not for all people. I won't assume it happened to you. And maybe I'll come back around to it--to writing, I mean. And intelligence?
I digress again, but not really: intelligence. I suppose all those facts I once had in my brain, the knowledge of How to Do Stuff, and what trigonometry means, are all gone because I don't regularly flex those muscles anymore. It always comes back to exercise, doesn't it? J.Lo likes those books that have lots of facts, trivia, etc in them, and for some reason I never got into them. But maybe I should try. Like I should get out Jon Stewart's book about America and learn what really happened. I should pick up the books we do have on our shelves, the factoid ones, and flip through whenever I have a chance, and try to learn or relearn some things. I don't even know why... on one hand, it's like, what's the point? Who is it for? Why, why, and why? It's not going to get me any A's (or gold stars, heh) this time, and I'm not trying to build my resume. But maybe it will give me something else to think about, or give me some interesting things to offer the world, or maybe just make me feel... less dumb. More alive? More like an older (time-wise, not age-wise) version of myself. Hmmm.
