lao-tong

i more than disagree- if disagree means "no". what i feel about equating what i've spent the last 5 years of my life doing with a demonic and/or occasionally hoax like farcical practice that is the ouiji board, can be more accurately described as slightly offended with a main course of that hurts my heart. granted you're not out right telling me to fuckoff, and i appreciate the honesty which is why how can i possibly rail- that's where you're at. it's what you're feeling. i mean yes, i would remind you that the words my mom got and prayed for you weren't demonic, or made up or entirely hers, and they seemed at the time to minister to you- but maybe i misunderstood. i mean leave me out of it entirely and I know God will continue to minister and care for you, but it is a way to cultivate a deeper relationship with God, and it's true i have to resist control, but let me just acknowledge the divide it creates, and the disappointment over something that can't be shared and infact in an instant is being rejected. It hurts. Also though it may not seem like it- since i am seen as a usually very forceful person- sharing something like that with you, and trying to open the door to a large part of my life and going so far as to practice it with you was me being vulnerable-- and excited and expectant.

And that's my own balloon, and the air escaping it and whining out. So I have to take responsibility for it. And that's not yours. But as you sit with your anxiety and worry over the unnamed things. I sit with mine as well for you, on your behalf, along with my ownbags on the curb. And that is not just entirely yours.  I see the trapped and fluttering distressed thing. I share it with you because I love and care for you. Our stories are never are own. They reach out beyond us. As they should. They are not for us. We cannot accurately see ourselves anyway. We are all entwined. And that speaks just as much to covenant and community too. A book apparently i am already a chapter behind on.

Currently, unrelated, i managed to make a necklace. I take this as major breakthrough, and I hope tricia likes it. Besides we are being assailed with hot weather. I'm drinking an unpleasant blackberry jasmine tea or some such and i'm going to go watch the end of miss marple's 'a murder announced', and just the other night a giant raccoon snuck in the backdoor to eat the cat food. The nerve. I wonder if he's what's killing our lawn. A giant spreading patch.

Otherwise the bedframe is 1/2 stained. The room is 1/2 done along with everything else everywhere. But it seems like it's getting on. With every hedge i trim, and angel trumpet i manage to plant. Seems like something is happening. The peaches are delicious. And the abandoned bags of grapefruit in my car make it smell really good. And i did almost cry when danica wondered where all my dresses had got to, but i can only assume God has ones that fit me in store for me. Or he doesn't- and i'll have to make do.

Good night dear friend. Goodnight.
m.



 

dear oldsame,

I call to you across the waters, across the farawaylands, as my dragon self breathes fire. It stretches itself on the beach and lances lychees with each talon and orders rum with coffee and hurumphs and sighs with no other dragons at all to play with. It snorts as it lifts its head to the breeze, knowing that even though it's the last place on earth it would want to be- dubbed a 'hedonistic beach party' by LP, it is in some sort of paradise. It is reminded that though it's alone it has some sort of larger purpose, and doesn't want to be ungrateful for the places it's got to fly and see- even if it longs to be in the mountains or at a different beach... or not be a lone dragon anymore, like something mythical and extinct.

The lunar new year dawned as I slept in my cave at the perfume grass hotel. A much better place if I'm going to be made to pay $20 a night. (up from $11). Roused only briefly to hear the dissonance of all the noise being made- deliberately to chase the bad spirits and luck of the old year away. And invite the new. I went back to bed as the fan circled overhead and the old tile and wood stood solid against time.

Yesterday I drove myself a little crazy- I had the joy of seeing my 2 paychecks +flight come in. Paid. And finished with the workplace.  I paid off a creditcard and some bills, with money to spare--I was excited to start executing and accomplishing. I then descended into internet scheduling hell of coming and going from laos. Which I still haven't figured out. And coming and going from here. Which I still haven't figured out. And even though there's an immediacy I suppose I have time and i'm going to have to leave it to God to determine when I get to Saigon and to Cathy on the 15th. And of course it's His business why i'm here even if it's not exactly mine. The only 2 things besides that was washing my face and looking up to see a lychee fruit stuck in my hair. (Which mildly amused me and perhaps made God laugh outright.)And finding no satisfactory postcards to send to anyone. I guess there's no point in trying to move in such a time of transition from the dragon to the snake. My year is over and Cathy's begins. Apparently without a spring. They call it a blind year. I got two. Yours is coming old same. One more year. Trod and gallop on.

Anyway I've meandered away a good couple hours here. It's time to stretch the legs and move even if i can't quite leave yet. I'm excited for you and your puppy. What's with the name? And the car- what are you going to call it? I can't even believe the louse situation. Pretty outrageous. Did you watch the SP episode yet, or at least have jlo watch it... I don't sound outraged on your behalf but I am. I blame the calming effects of the rum and the sensory pleasing effects of the coffee. Self medicating one step at a time. Though the music has been much too loud. I need a break.

Huff. Black streams snake into the air and are pulled apart. And up I go.
My love, M.

#32 The WALL

dear old-same,

I'm not sure how you could think i wouldn't have googled footbinding. Though even in looking at it- i still find it inconcievable and horrifying... The book ends with her laotong dying in a messy ugly cancerous way and she must repent of all the ways in which she misunderstood the friendship and her friend- though i was surprised at how little insight snowflower had to the things Lily said to her- but perhaps that's the problem with two horses matched together. I don't know. One is tame and safe, the other is wild and chained. They both speak the same language and yet how did they fail to look beyond the words of one another. It's hard sometimes to look beyond them i know. Oh context.

Anyway, i know i'd be perfect laying hands on people but that's because i've been at it for a while now- i'd encourage you to not disavow what is a, stepping int-o spiritual authority- but perhaps just a step back with a, God what is that? And how does one? It really is just a blessing. And i think you're going to find a way to do it eventually with a confidence of knowing that God speaks and you listen and from your heart knowing what the people need, even if it's just what you need- they all sit there with the same tenderness. And I know you are attentive.

Here on the island, I have to endure what is my last pointless staff meeting. Though trying not to resent having to go to work 1/2 hour early. I'm just glad i didn't repress it from my consciousness...

[insert here: i have my first ever successful coffeeshop skype session and boy was it a whopper. my poor friend matt! details later. i mean i seriously thought he was making it up when he was like oh, i can't write it down. he was not being overly dramatic. aka hyperbolic.]

Meanwhile my flatmate V was late to the meeting. And she couldve had the courtesy to text R and me to let us know so we could fuckaround more instead of working a 1/2 hour longer. I was pissed actually but it's my last meeting. And the usual tension of soul sucking children and good moments apply for what was a typical wednesday.

I was going to relate the weekend. But it was one of those - we pushed it maybe, did a little too much. We did praise our ability to travel well together and after some really superb coffee and my innisfree boon and the hair touchups we negotiated and decided on bbq duck for dinner. So it wasn't all bad. I just had that overspent feeling both financially and emotionally. Sjt is convinced we'll meet up for 10minutes in the airport before I leave forever and she'll be coming back from thailand to say a real goodbye, so she was MIA most of the time, and was like ive seen you for 2wks straight. Yes, yes. I KNOW. By sunday we were dragging down and after a different than normal goodbye lunch which was offkilter and weird because we were all OFF, we went to have some more excellent coffee and in a twist we played clue. I won. I'm really good at it. I should've been a detective. That and i'm equally good at deception so...  And then we closed the night with baked chicken and the movie clue. Check that off my list! and then i came dragging into monday and thankgodtomorrow is friday!

But lets talk about my innisfree boon. NO its ok we don't have to. But really it's been such a fun thing on the island thanks to matt and a couple friends. V-VIP forever. I used up all my points and i'm shipping some of their awesomeness homeward. Hope it all fits.

Anyway tonight coffee with meaghan at pangs. I have to remember today is Thursday. It is not Friday. No. We have to get through today first. And no it's not mentally healthy to take down your curtains and undo your pillows and photos and trinkets until next week at least. Meanwhile fighting the itch. Even if the suitcase is staring at you and the question looms if everything will fit and do you really have to break up with your coat? It pains you to leave it behind and yet your smaller now- and your waiting for the last allergy test and debating one last visit to the chiro- what are the last things? I dont know. Perhaps it's too much.

m-

old-same, Together, we are better.
let us both rest a while,
and then return to the hill,
on which the shade tree waits.  

m-qa.