Penelope,

i got there thinking she would come out but she wasn't ready. she suggests in fact that things have become unhinged. instead of the park or a walk how about taking me to a drug test? random. calling everyday. averaging every 2 wks or so.

the place was less of a mess but the headache creeping up the right side of my skull was the same. i noted the new kitten. the beta fish. i stared at a new rug that had the astrology signs in place of the rug that said blessings... over the stain from where the junky had died. that one time. we made idle chit-chat and she dipped down unprovoked to complain about her mother. about the babydaddy. she still has the most beautiful burnish almond colored eyes. as they flashed at me when i challenged her on a point. her cheaks more sunken and the sores deep. the devastating fact that her daughter might not be home for christmas, or new years. a slew of missed holidays maybe. i said that they can come back from that. and over all the things lodged in her daughters memory that might not be the most hurtful thing. she might not even remember. i thought, compared to the other things. and anyway its for her daughter to heal and to come back from. to battle up and out God only knows how. i remember thinking i? helped talk her out of getting an abortion in the first place. i had said, you can't even abort your own cat's babies. think about this. and now she is in a flash on a trajectory away from her mother but not quite out of her life. not yet. and i think, would it have been better? and i think no.

and then out of the corner of my eye i see him- the villain, second only to her mother but surely the source of all that is mostly unholy. he gives me a quick glance and says, oh hello. startled. i say, she's in there (pointing to the bedroom as he darts past me) at which point over listening in i duck out and play with the kitten. he comes back out and passes me again outside, says, have fun. quietly. as if not to wake or anger me. i watch him go. she says he's been hiding out upstairs at somebodys apt. for 2 weeks. but he came in quite casually so... of course i hadn't seen him in 6 years until that moment but nevermind. something about a lojacked laptop and jail for a few days. and somehow even with 50,000 in a safe somewhere she's going to lose her apartment in a week. but i dont' know.

and then i said, looking through the gated door, are you ready to go. so we drove to get her subway. i wasn't hungry. and we went to ADARP.  it isn't quite clear if she'll fail though she says since HE slammed her foot in a? door? until the hinges came off? she's going to keep taking the hyrdroc/./.; something and she hasn't taken her medicinal marijuana in a couple of days to lessen the whatever but well maybe. i think as always none of this makes sense. but she says shes not a drugaddict. she doesn't have a limp. and then later,

i said, you cut your hair.
she said, yah it was this long -....-.
i asked, did you donate it?
she said, no i gave it to this black guy for saving my life. he was nice. he went away but i liked him.
...
.....
.........
i asked, how did he save your life?
she said, (with a pause) he found me "asphyxiating"... because of the heater.
i said, because of the heater?
she said, yah. the gas you know.
i said, huh, you said something like that happened to you in oklahoma.
she said, mmhmm yah, same thing. i haven't used the heater since.
i said, you should probably get the landlord to fix it.
she said, he won't.
i said, hmm....

i ask her to tell me the story again. i have her repeat everything she tells me and i watch how it changes or how it stays the same. how it never ever really makes sense. we get out of ADARP and we went to see bridesmaids at the $3. she paid since i didn't have cash. i meant to pay. i feel bad i didn't pay. she had a good time but there were a few triggers (the horrible f*ckbuddy calling her dingus, the drug references, the copcar maybe) and then the movie cut out in the last 6minutes. and another 6minutes they got it started but couldn't rewind it so i told her what she missed. it wasn't much. but it was the emotional heart of the bride and her maidofhonor but anyway. we left. we got vouchers. she lost her glasses but we were running late so she could visit her daughter. i dropped her off. she said she'll want to see you. her godmother. i said, sometime. i'm not ready for that today. as that meant her mother, the villain and her and the foster mother and who knows what. the goddaughter doesn't actually cling to me that much. except that one time... and anyway i know i'm the calm center but inside i'm blazing. i'm muttering to the heavens. she said well when can i see you next? i said, we can schedule something. she said, next week? she's going to be 32? i said, sure. she said, none of that 5months later. remember, she says, as she slams the door, i'm suicidal. she smiles. i smile too. i wonder if she means it. i think it's been 8 months actually. along way off. many moons and years. a decade maybe since i've seen you. there was that one time when we went to see September Issue. You were clear. You heard me. I can tell the difference. That was 2yrs. And me being with you now, in all of this-  i am not sure what sort of life line. But it must be something. I never offer anything else but my presence. So that when you call me between months and years it must be-- I drove off.

And Pen, then i went to call you but it was 3 o'clock. And i laughed at the timing again. About why I always want to call you at 3'oclock. And how i know at that moment you will never answer because its 6 to you and dinner time. So i went to starbucks and got a frappachino and the car colors (all sedans) black.red.red.lolly.black. And earlier today we turned left in a pack of SIX white cars and trucks.

And on home I went. But I wanted to tell you.
m.