fall

I'm falling fast in this windswept street. There's water running from a hose. The surface slick, to be expected. I should've seen it. I should've stopped when I had the chance.

From here I can see the blue sky. I can't say which kind except to say its the kind that comes after a rain. There's no clouds to wish yourself into and the air is crisp and it cools your cheeks. I think it's cold enough for a hat, but that would have gotten knocked off by the fall or maybe the intermittent wind. So its probably better I left it behind.

My feet out, I'm up and muddy. There's a few leaves, ground up and skeletal attached to my cordoroy jacket. Because even here we lose leaves.

Does anyone see my sunglasses?

I have to crawl under a car. They're scratched.

Thanks.

I think I killed something on the way down. The sun blinding, and me now hobbling away. I wipe my backside.I can't say for sure what came off my pants into my hand.

Don't look.

You're right.

Shake it off.

Just shake it off and keep going.

I rub my leg and I keep going. Then I turn back and scorn the water real good. I scorn the crack that came before the water that I narrowly missed so I could hit the ground hard. I scorned that too.

I knew I should've seen it coming like I should've seen death or something inevitable like discontent.

okay, we're sorry.

we'll do better at blogging. next time. there's got to be something revelatory i can say- something about weddings and maybe joining a dating service. maybe tomorrow. tomorrow i'll say something. something about disillusionment and maybe the fall weather.

another way 

we begin again 

mr. smithee as a young man.  

miscellaneous thanksgiving post

Sean says: hey

m says: hey- happy turkey day

Sean says: I am currently away from the computer.
Sean says: you at home now ?

m says: yes indeed

Sean says: i see

m says: truly

Sean says: so are you guys goin to uncle d's ?

m says: well i'm trying to get out of it... but um...

Sean says: just dont go if you dont want too

m says: we have to be at my aunts house at 1:30 so we might get to u dannys by 5 or 530.
m says: yah i might not. but i know mom and did will be there.

Sean says: i see

m says: whats up with you.

Sean says: nothin so far
Sean says: who knows what imma do

m says: as in

Sean says: as in today

m says: choices?
m says: ...
m says: /
m says: /
m says: /
m says: /

Sean says: uhm
Sean says: ive got a few

m says: uh...
m says: and...

Sean says: well two really i guess
Sean says: but yea

m says: these are...
m says: ?

Sean says: my friends house
Sean says: or uhh
Sean says: or nothing
Sean says: or somthing totally cool

m says: riiiight. so why are you not vibing d/s's house?

Sean says: i dunno
Sean says: its not that im not vibin it
Sean says: i just dont really feel like goin anywhere
Sean says: why arent you vibin it ?

m says: bcs... your lethargic and depressed?
m says: now now we've been over this before... i hate the family remember?

Sean says: haha

m says: you have no excuse so you can totally shower, shave and get your ass over there by 530. you should come over later and then we can just do nothing together.

Sean says: but what dont you liek about uncle d ?

m says: i like uncle d mostly... he's a little disconnected for me but um it's her i don't like and mainly i feel the house embodies dark evil vibes for unspecified reasons.

Sean says: dont gimme that shit, unspecified reasons shit

m says: uh dark evil vibes aren't enough?

there was never a time like,

now.

calm and enjoy... is that a drink? can we bottle it?

tomorrow i leave new york. to whither i will go- south.

roadblock

tapping fingers, waiting anxiously, i should be home watching TV and biting my nails like a sane, normal person. instead am at work, enmeshed in what has become The Roadblock, the Waiting Game. need a better job, would like to get on with things already, would like to earn more and apply for grants and write and write and write, would like to dream, maybe move out west, maybe stay here, maybe read some books again. too antsy for all of this, too antsy for even the research of it, as the wedding looms. four days. and it will be here. beginning to get nervous at the prospect of All Those People! eeeek. however, know it will be a lovely day.

and i will not cry.

i will not!

what makes me happy is the thought of these peeps in town for this celebration. and thinking hey, a week from now, guess where i'll be. checking into disneyworld for an entire week. for an entire week, we will be Without a Time Frame, and that makes me want to skip up the sidewalk.

and also, must remember to enjoy this time while it is hear.

however, on the fifth hand (there are always at least five hands, remember), fire has effectively been lit under me with these measly, measly paychecks. i am not enjoying loan deferment; believe it or not Big People Out There, i would actually like to afford paying off my loans.

but in due time, due time. good things will come.
where is that mantra?
this is my new mantra, for the next four days: calm. calm. and enjoy.

by day 

monday

i have as yet to meet the love of my life. has that ever happened to anyone else but me? well, if this were a movie and due to my lack of funds and my traversing the causeways of NY i should be ripe for a romantic and sustaining moment.

i'm waiting.

i look wistful whenever i can and the lighting is right, preferably when the sun is setting and there's a slight breeze. i make eye contact and look despondantly away at all the appropriate people. i sit fervently writing at cafes, restaurants, central park, on a bench, near a wall, hoping to peak the interest of romantic-lead-passerbys. i walk defiantly and magnetically through steam (which is rising up volumounously through grates), my scarf trailing behind me, and my coat flap opening just slightly...

who's that girl?

i also read intelligently crafted books on trains. i go into places called "untitled" and "once upon a tart"... i look interested in everything, whenever i have to, and disinterested and focused whenever i have to look internally thoughtful or driven...

i'm waiting.

perhaps i'm not alone enough. the din of the crowd in all those causeways, the central stations, the 34th avenues of the world. perhaps i haven't suffered enough. i'm only irritated on the surface about designer dogs and their urination on all sidewalks, slightly amused by the grafetti, i think the trash is part of the set. i have only cried bcs of the cold wind in my eyes. i'm embracing credit card debt so i can't be the lone girl with a coffee habit and no nickels to spare. i don't dodge the subway turnstiles bcs i can't afford it. i don't have an up and coming corporate job of anykind. i don't have a drug habit or an alcoholic boyfriend to escape. my dream of artistry is not in the galleries of New York. it, is in los angeles. but perhaps it could be here. perhaps my life could take a different direction in these small idyllic moments. i'm waiting. but,

i am transient. i am a tourist.

i am waiting.

the storms pass, the fine weather continues charming. i wrap my scarf tightly and my jacket just so. i change film. i take notes. i am too aware.

i buy coffee. i never call for a cab. there is only so long i can wait by the water before i have to go back inside. so i walk. foot-sore and long in the face. i check my watch. i watch the city slide away into the night. the moon is a sliver. red and yellow leaves flurry across my path. i cross the street at a break in traffic. i watch the shops and all the lives. i climb the 4 flights up.

i am waiting.

new york subway... oh yah. really. 

its really interesting

i wrapped the 25aday job. i sung joyously. i tap danced. i turned in all my gas receipts and burned incense. i sacrificed to the god of no regret.

but apparently money was another matter.

see they owe me. owe me big. yah, that's it. that's the ticket. actually they owe me 1) a kickback so i wouldn't walk 2) 2 wks pay 3) one un-paid gas receipt.

why they're bastards: all three things are still in check form. not in my hand. not in my bank and the bills are coming. i'm sure it's all going to be just fine, but there's that urge to kill- to go down there and ... when i called all i could say was, see. lady. i got bills to pay. and she said, don't we all. but that doesn't make it right does it? i should stop complaining shouldn't i. 'xcept i went down to Sunset Blvd and found a parking space (pretty damn near providential). fed the meter a few quarters and set my watch for an hour. went to get my check. have a drink. check out the view. then cut the light fantastic out of town. i thought, hey, this is all working out just fine. they're gonna give me mine. i still had to pack you know and here i was walking into the Park Hyatt (i wasn't going to pay 10 bucks for parking.) And the already wasted LP tells me, sorry. no. i look to the sky and check for rain. i check out the rooftop and get a drink. it's bland, like cookie cutter LA bland. sure i can see all the lights and the hills but somethings not quite right. we all seem to sense the pretense. but the music is nice.

a' bunch of New York types playing at making movies. i wish them all to hell. but not before i get my money. makes me wish i knew some mobsters.

--
sorry, i didn't mean to go on so long. the rest really speaks for itself. almost tears were involved at the end of both points. and now i'm here in the rain and waiting for something quintessential to strike me. better not be lightening or my maxed credit card. i want this to be good but i can't say how.

travel well

well hello there wide world of penelope and other non-specified people who may or may not be reading thah blog.

I have to tell you about the wrap party and then the NY experience. teases: finding a parking space on sunset blvd, not getting my check- bastards (specified), the rooftop, all day travel, 2 hours getting to brooklyn and a 52 pound suitcase.... give me a couple and some downtime and all will be revealed. right now coyote ugly is calling and a jane austen novel. i'm lonely oh so lonely.

is anyone else thirsty or is it just the sunflower seeds i ate...

okay penelope's back in business

and may i say, Gilmore Girls? TJ plotline? stupidest. plotline. ever.

or stupidest character ever. i can't decide. but i will be highly irritated if these shenanigans continue with he and Luke's sister moving to Star's Hollow. eeck.

but then the same guy who plays TJ was on Lost? how was that for an odd-crossover right into the flashbacking world of Sawyer. i remain mesmerized, tantalized by all things well-constructed and hokey. last night i had this elaborate dream about being trapped on an island for some reason or another and it was all very vivid and made me want to write. in order to get off the island, we all figured out, you had to believe in God. that's it, just believe.

and i am not one for the religious dreams.

i call them spiritual, if i must call them something.

what's up in my world: survived Bachelorette Party Hangover of Death, just now getting over Killer Cold. bored, oh insanely bored and frustrated by work. increasing fire to make more money, somehow. somewhere. but in the middle there is a wedding to be had and Disneyworld.

Disneyworld. (i smile.)

and for now i shall watch The Bachelor, which i cannot stop myself from tivo-ing. we're down to the last little bit. i swear i will not fall for it next season, i swear. i have better uses for my brain cells, for the love of pete.

you must tell me, mendacious, how is nyc?

park hyatt on sunset- follow the green light to the pool 

grrrrrrrbbbllllllgggggg...

bachelorette parties- strippers and edible underwear. feathers and lickable lotions. mixed drinks, sex on the beach and one too many before the day dawns. this is your. last. night. of...

last night.

bachelorette party.
feel like.
i may.
die.

grrrrrrrbbbllllllgggggg...

doors

it was a sea of doors. and it was raging. the wind was up and nothing could assuage the onslaught of foam and wet, bits of splinters and an occassinal brass knob. now nauseous and bleeding bit by bit she hoped a door would fly open and swallow her whole. but they each remained daunting choices, one large and another more ominous than the next. she laid awhile on one, watching, admiring the surface.

its gravity, an anchor like dreams, she slept.

A Shot for Mr. Smithee: Tequila!

i do love the tequila, that is for sure--although it might be fun to note that recently i was told i do not fit the "tequila profile." that is, i am not so much the hairy-chested man. however, it goes down the most smoothly, what can i say.

i also love the hats, the blankets, this history and the heritage overall. el dia de los muertos. and i once minored in the language of Spanish. so why people say they're not moving to Mexico and instead Canada, i can only briefly ponder---

could be the water (no insults meant, but word on the streets is that one has to be careful)
could be the weather (in 2000, particularly, these were Chicagoans, favoring the cold)
could be the cuisine (who doesn't love the Mexican food, but perhaps there are pre-conceived notions of a variety lack)
which leads me to the last--
could be the bourgeois, the TF, the seekers of a culture more like the US combined with the French

or, could just be that for some, it's a more feasible hop, skip, and jump over the border to Canada. besides, did you know they leave their doors unlocked at night? i kinda dig that.

here's to you,
penelope

dear non-defector,

Thank you for your recent post, wherein you detail your non-canadian stance. While I do feel it is slightly biased, I appreciate your response. However, I would appreciate commentary on Mexico, as I feel it is a valid point. Although I realize, specifically, that as an "Observer" you do not hold evidence as to "why canada" or "why not mexico" I would be interested in any conjecture you might have.

Sincerely,
A.S.

dear Mr. Smithee,

oh, you do amuse. but let me make it clear, since i do admit my grammatics (is that a word?) may have been off in the recent post: NOT CANADA. not going to Canada. not researching Canada--at least not for relocation purposes. as i've mentioned before, they do film Degrassi: The Next Generation there, and that of course allots some points.

as i recall from certain Dramatics in 2000 when living in Chicago, some might pretend they would move to Canada based on certain election outcomes. some of those Possible Defectors, tsk tsk, whether or not they jested. i rolled my eyes then, and despite being a little more caught up in the politics this time around, i ultimately roll my eyes again. NO CANADA.

i am, i continue forevermore, as Penelope The Observer.

sincerely,
consistently endeared and entertained by Mr. Smithee

dear possible defector,

I was a little confused as to which self you are presently. Canadian (god-forbid) or an observer? Besides, no one has actually moved to Canada except during the draft, and that was serious. Also, Americans are lazy, and secondly you may not like it. I feel like a trial period in Canada is probably warranted. What if, for instance the Republicans continue to dominate another four years after this four years. Perhaps this four years could be spent learning all about Canada. Maybe a report on Canada is warranted. You know, is it just me or is it only the Democrats that threaten to move to Canada, why not Mexico? And here I thought democrats were all about equality. Mexico has some beautiful country, revolutions, tequila, dia de los muertos...pesos, access to the rest of South America. Where do Republicans threaten to move to? All I can think of in reference to Canada is Matthew Perry, hockey, cheaper movie production locations and the french. London's becoming a little star-centric, so that's out. Canada is somewhat generic and obscure. That's sort of what appeals and repels me at the same time.

A concerned citizen,
Alan Smithee

yes, well...

even though i am one of those who is rather depressed by the outcome of this year's election and believe in some ways that if the TOOL happens to be a big enough one, it can in fact do some damage in the span of four and eight years...alas. i know. i see both sides. every light has its shadow, and every shadow its light.

for instance, in the light: it's over, and no more campaign commercials, on every level of politics! particularly the local--nope, won't miss those. no more pre-empting of Scrubs, which I agree was just wrong. no more infuriating break-thrus of local coverage over national news coverage, leaving you with the choice of watching tom brokaw shrink into an infuriatingly small box in the upper screen corner, or just forgoing the networks entirely and opting for some loudmouth reporter like Chris Matthews. maybe he's good, provocative, whatevah, but the voice grates.

tonight i will catch on Gilmore Girls and yes, One Tree Hill--i continue to watch solely because it is filmed right here. it's like a support thing, i swear. it has nothing to do with addiction. and there are always choice moments like in the episode a few weeks ago, it was horrifyingly discovered that i happen to own the very same dress worn by a stripper character on the show. a dress i wore to a wedding. a dress that is now posted on ebay and will hopefully earn me a few more bucks and from there, a crack-like fix. ebay, eeeeeeeeheeheeheehee.

so the weather cools down gradually but not fast enough--i'm on the brink of a/c-ing it again. however, by saturday night, allegedly, the night will be in the low 30s, a promise too great to hope for. fleece pants, sweatshirts, slippers, mmmmm.

whenever did i start caring about politics, anyway? this year i somehow got swept up. so un-Pisces of me. maybe the fervor will go away like a bad cold. because in general, i have always steered clear of any conversation alluding to it. i am The Observer, not the melodramatic who swears she will move to Canada. that is Me.

must continue on with life as usual.

tonight is LOST!

voting sucks.

um can i say: who cares? seriously. why follow the hype. i mean this whole voting thing has become way too popular. i've never been one to join a fad- maybe when voting becomes passe again, i'll jump on the bandwagon. as if one guy in 4 years is going to determine the fate of our universe or suddenly remove the inevitable fact of human suffering... okay, calm down. i'm being fatalistic. take a deep breath. yah, but look if tolstoy- yah, the war and peace guy- can deduce philosophically that Napoleon was "an insignificant tool of history" than perhaps maybe we can take a step back and not get so upset by this wacked reality we have regardless if an elephant or a jackass is running the country. not that i'm all for this deterministic philosophy but it goes to say that we all have a part to play and to not get so upset or angsty if things aren't going the way we want them to. damn checks and balances. it's not like we run the world. wait, did i just say that outloud. voting shouldn't make us tense or compel people to do the peedance for a laugh... that just makes me glad that there's a thing called the absentee ballot. learn about it people. sure you don't get the sticker but... come on.

okay, okay... my head has been in the sand. i did preface this whole thing (i mean earlier, to myself) by saying that i was on a little insular island-of-i-don't-give-a fuck. but maybe i should. nah, never mind, i'm gonna go rent a movie. election coverage can just kiss it.

mendacious out.

la la la la la la la

now that's the Gilmore Girls song that should be in your head, as tonight is TUESDAY, the night for Gilmore Girls. true, i will probably forgo watching GG until tomorrow, due to election night and a dinner planned with friends: i'll be making pork chops with pears. wild rice. broccoli and cauliflower with an optional melty cheese sauce. mmm, love cooking. and am pretty psyched about watching this election outcome. regardless, it should be interesting, particularly with the Daily Show involved. that's 10:00 PM eastern time, Comedy Central.

went to the polls this morning, bright and early, 6:30 AM to be exact. right when the polls opened and they actually called out, "the polls are now open!" felt historic. was behind man in his 60s wearing redskins cap and drinking large mug of coffee. halfway thru the waiting experience (about 45 minutes total--i was the 42nd voter that morning in precinct 23), the man starts doing the pee-pee dance, and primarily for our benefit. now, it is one thing to share the pee-pee dance with your friends, maybe, in jest of your younger self who has really, really gotta go. but the pee-pee dance in a voting line for the amusement of strangers? i don't know, it just seemed wrong.

the show was run primarily by old men wearing shorts, black socks pulled up high, and white sneakers. and also old women who had a bit of difficulty reading, pronouncing, and locating (all three, note) the names of individual voters for their books. so needless to say it wasn't the most efficient of operations. thought they could have used a few more booths, possibly an extra set of volunteers. however, i would like to think that one day while in retirement age, i too will be at the polls, processing the long lines of voters with my mug of coffee (but no pee-pee dance!) and a folding chair complete with chair cushion. and i'll be wearing a sweater. because even though i don't wish to be freezing cold in my senior years, i would like to live in a place that has some weather and is not, as it is hear, a record high of 85 mid-day in NOVEMBER. eeesh.

but anyway, i got a sticker! i voted! civic duties performed, check.

that's all for tuesday.

until wednesday, and our list of VERY VALID excuses for putting The Project, a.k.a. The Script, a.k.a. Exit Stage Left, on hold until December...but not our creativity. that shall still exist.

sincerely,
penelope

a day on the 25 a day job

dear penelope,

just thought i'd say hello and happy tuesday. hopefully today won't be long so i can get home in plenty of time for gilmore girls. lets hope. so how was the sum total of your weekend? on sunday i had to go to a musical that lasted for 3 hours!! needless to say happy fella can kiss it. i got home at 6 and my will to do anything was severely compromised at that point. i'll try again soon... crap. yesterday i spent all day driving along the valley into LA and back again picking up stuff for the show. not-but-goodtimes. is this film fucking over yet. i did think of you however when i saw danny bonaducci? jogging with his dog and i hung out all day with the guy who is going to play the "prince" in japan's disneyland parades. he also plays aladdin...but says bcs of his big head and the wig he looks more like tim allen. but those dreamy eyes tell me otherwise. also i keep getting hit on by a guy named victor. who if i'd let him would take me to his loft right now- i feel a little dirty. hugs are okay but i draw the line at kisses on my neck or innuendos or anything related to "you and me baby"... it's gotta stop.