Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Holy Hell,

I'm in a mental fog.

I've tipped my frozen coffee upside down so that when it thaws i can mash it up in this big plastic cup.  A haze of maybe trying to digest meat, the curse, and the warmth out has me absolutely knackered. The other day, out of a need to be productive, i even gave myself bangs. The hair is in that weird notshortnotlong phase. And i had to stop myself from hacking it all off. Just to do something. I need to actually go for a long run or? wait, rephrase walk/jog or something. And stop watching reruns of Monk, gaining a pound losing a pound, and I'm on the last chapter of Gears. And I can't beat it yet. That's what I get for playing on "hardcore" mode. Oh life. I can fit into the ring my grandmother gave me. So there's that. (17 years later)

Otherwise I fixed the yellow streak problem so now its a blue streak problem with the floor, but we're going to leave it like the watery dream it is. I painted my nails, cleaned out a hutch and moved it into the car using a series of bells, whistles and levers. I stopped short of actually taking it over to the other house. And yet I daily accuse myself of doing and accomplishing nothing but that when i list things, like washed dishes, moved the silver and linens it seems something must've been done.  And yes, last night i checked the oven twice- twice mind you, literally to see if i left anything- and sure enough- the smurf. As my mom pointed out, I caught it right as it was collapsing and changing from a plastic to a liquid state- and yes, it smelled super awesome. For hours. And while I almost decided to continue cooking the pizza i decided plastic infused pizza was less stellar than i thought.

So you see shit like this can happen at anytime. Something to consider. But i understand you're being pushed to the edge, and i can feel it around me too when i think of the bills coming in July. Yes, I can charge them but I'd prefer God point the way to some employ. But the feeling is trapped, and it's terror, and it makes me not want to slow but keep going and GO. But there is something to staring at stuff until you can grab a thread and just pull, and the next thing breaks lose and unravels. Yes, indeed. And to worship. The things God has pointed the way for you to do. The things that you love to do. And then my next prayer, give me the desire to worship- when i just sit there and can't quite find the energy to do anything at all. Did i tell you the other day i was making iced tea into a pitcher and it cracked it right in lateral half. That was lame.

Oh about ProRun- jlo i assume knows about programs that keep people from spying on you- and you can go to either piratebay or isohunt- even if you dont have that thing it utilizes utorrent which you can download-- now if you don't want to go through all of that shenaniganism it's quite easy-- http://www.free-tv-video-online.me/  now it's a pop-up minefield but once you navigate that you're home free friend. I think though even pro/run has a streaming thing on lifetime so you've got options.

Allright i'm going to go open a window and let the breeze in. Play some more and look for a thread to pull.


and my comp has crashed like 3x trying to load photos and post this. sob.





pen said...

ooo, the floor! i love. also the bangs and the ring are lovely.

somebodys mom said...

GrandmaDear and Grandma rings seems very complete.