Penance,

: something (as a hardship or penalty) resembling an act of penance (as in compensating for an offense)

 

On trial: Credit Card debt. Currently hovering at... 16,000. Before I became unemployed (2 1/2) years ago it was at 9,800. Granted I've put taxes on here, some stuff right before I got laid off that I was sure I could pay off, my car insurance... All of that spiked it up there but the padding was provided by meals out, nordstrom rack occasionally, and starbucks and who knows what else. Let's be clear, I've gotten so much better at saying- NO in the last year. But still now the gas is going on there too.

 

And frankly this penance could not come at a better time... as I've finally been cut off from govt. cheese, and CA still has the 2nd worse unemployment rate next to Nevada, and that there are no jobs in sight. Since a job that i actually wanted back in June didn't come through almost precisely 2 years to the day my last job interview didn't come through. And as this preacher said, you Mendacious, do not have control over the recession. No sir, i do not. Which makes me think to that carefree time in the back of that van broken down by the side of the road in Costa Rica and we were all talking about the economy and doing our part to stimulate it before its epic meltdown...But anyway, all that besides, I've wanted to teach overseas on and off since grad school. Japan. Iraq. Taiwan. All have been open to me at one time or another and finally now South Korea. I'm walking through that door i think. It's time. 

 

On the spiritual side you can blame that fast I took in August and a tiny status update on FB and a mere suggestion from a friend-- and honestly it calls to abandon everything i care about- but not in the nihilistic sense, mostly in the God's hand and care and control sense. Which was a bigdeal for me in August... that taking what I want when i want it thing. It also calls for budgeting, goal setting, new experiencing, epic blogging and a trip to southeast asia as a reward when i'm done. That's win/win? I mean if i move to Busan I'm a days ferry ride from Japan...Shanghai China, HongKong, Tokyo... need I say more!? Oh and when i'm done I'll be about 5,000 in debt still... with my options open to me and hopefully no creditcards in sight.

 

Let's think about it. It might just be a good thing.

m.

 

 

Oh, life, pen, life

Quickly, before I lose my will.

Saturday felt completely overcome after a meeting- feeling the journey will be taxing and laborious. But there was the sweetvalleyhigh board game and party. We read excerpts, gave each other carebear tattoos and kerry made GF pizza. I suppose in light of that, Saturday evened out. LaCats dad died though so I don't know. Yesterday I rubbed jalepeno pepper into my left eye (still twitching by the way), and on the boulevard slipped on something and went down on my left knee. Marring my fidji shoes. The burning subsided sometime later and my knee remained slightly swollen. I'm on patch 7 of 57 for my quilt. That fact oddly does not cause me sadness. Somehow fighting to do it how i instinctually wanted to do it was satisfying. But my throat tickles and i'm pretty sure a certain family gave me something. Repayment for being around them or sympathetic suffering. I'm uncertain. But pause to clear throat. Figuring fatigue levels.

I find the tick situation completely horrifying. Once when I went off trail one got on me somewhere and I was at borders (the hollywood one is closing which  total sadness more job people flooding the market) around 6am and noticed it latched onto my arm. It was completely traumatizing. Granted it was mostly smooshed already but still. Shudder. Can you get geese? I mean seriously. Something must be done. I don't know but now i fear for your safety. I am glad about your fish and tank though. It has to be akin to basket weaving or some monastic duty you will find Jesus in I am certain. I hope the Bible bars are tasty. I would want them to be. If ever i have funds to visit we must go get them along with the cure all tonic. Because why not- withmy arthritic elbows, constant weight why not. I'm sure it will solve all my nagging problems (toe fungus). And we'll get you a hairless cat and you can crochet it sweater vests.

I'm trying to think in light of your new adventures if i have any to share besides a possible cold. Or any new loves to tell. Jealous of your asian market and your cinna walls. Change is elusive so far but that we've filled 2 bags for giveaway. That makes me feel pretty good. I'm almost done with the tragic hans. Who has been in a sanitorium for near 7 years. So new fiction novel on my horizon. Maybe GF cinnammon bread. Maybe visiting with the nice temp agent by wednesday. I hope Hans escapes. I wonder if i'll escape. Parents are painting their house. things are getting CLOSE. but not too close. I mean if dad is bent on building his own cabinets. It's hard to say. But soon sewer connection, all the plates on the wall/fixtures... then flooring, then landscaping. That's it. Close but far enough. Today i'm going to shower. I know major accomplishment. Then go pray. Then play borderlands. Where I will try to save enough strength to then go shopping with mom for food.

Why is life such a pickle sometimes? I would be impovirshed in life if I didnt have you as a friend. I'll have to hold onto that as we count our assets even in these lean and somewhat harrowing times.

my love,
m.

Dear Penolin,

This AM i vacuumed out the insides of my computer. It was immensely gratifying. I think it runs even quieter now. Though still loud. Not laptop quiet. At least its not making that grinding horror noise as it starts up now. But the insides are lovely to behold once the cobwebb was vacuumed up and the i think, a quarter inch of dust was removed from the fans that keep the computer from meltdown. But whatevs. You get this look at a beautiful motherboard and try to extricate the 2ndfan, worse than the 1st, and there's this grey film of dirt at the bottom of the conductivity whatever it is of the chip. I also backed up all my files just in case. ANyway i got so caught up in it, already 10am, I hadn't eaten breakfast so i settled for some cold chicken and an orange and am watching 'confessionsof*shopaholic'. Which I actually may gain some life advice from- perspective, whathaveyou. On not buying $5 lattes like water. Or cutting up my youknowwhat. Though these pathological liars who come clean always do seem to come out ahead and the cute you know who totally gets to be theirs in the end. But I am only 1/2 way through.

Enough about that. I don't want to grow too much of a conscience. I do need to develop some sort of work necklace schedule though. Ah, anyway, this movie is too distracting.

Pencomplaint,

This was not the day to be stranded at home as the power is going to go off in an hour or so. (mom took the car) And my phone is flipping out and i'm getting messages from my hotmail. Maybe that's a good thing. I don't know. But chime-chime-chime as i'm trying to sleep...? eh. Yesterday I maxed out my CC trying to buy a bathing suit from target just so I could have an alternate, though as I looked at it later its almost too fancy for its cheap price. And am I going to swim laps in that? Which doesn't matter anyway bcs the pool is closed until the Friday and the other pool that I love in Pas is closed until mid-june. Whatthehell. Obviously I need to schedule in a beach trip. Not that I can afford the gas but whatever I have like 3 new beach dresses, which despite my effort at some modesty still spill a little bit comparatively speaking, and they're totally cute. But anyway I had my debit card with me and I also bought some fancy dental floss. I went mostly undaunted after that to yoga where I felt productive, and then met amber at sharkeys. Though I felt pukish after lunch and slightly like I'm fighting something off toward bedtime. Which may explain why I find myself feeling like a failure. Non-specified. Or that vague apprehension like i've forgotten something. Roving anxiety. My finished book, and oh! after 2 1/2 yrs juryduty found me again. I'm wondering if i want to make it my job. Get a long trial if I can? Eh. Beats trying to rehab a resume geared solely to a career in an industry I can't become employed in. Which looking around at my home group- 1/2 of us are unemployed or hate their jobs and in various degrees of disgruntled so. At least i'm not alone.

I need to take a shower but that's currently impossible and brush my teeth but I don't feel like it. I think maybe after I plant all the baby plants I'll shower outside. It's more possible than it would seem like doing other things outside, which really I don't mind doing because I'm that sort of person. As a side note the only worry i have about the bathroom is the shittylooking tub that we're keeping and i'm worried that the vanity which I think we're also keeping needs some massive overhaul before it looks anywhere decent... oh and the 80's industrial window my parents are refusing to replace. I know all of these things will look like crap against shiny new tile and a sparkly new mirror and more bathroom lighting, is all I'm saying. And it just means that I have to stare at something when i go in there and huff and think SOMEDAY. And by that I mean some mythical day when I have money? or a husband? or what? to be able to replace a shittywindow and buy a new vanity. ? Never. Anyway.

I'm a tad cranky. And everytime I sigh the muscles around my ribs hurt because of yoga. Whatever I'll sign off. I'm going to start reading our book again and I'll pick another alternate so i don't get too far ahead. What with the no power coming my way in a minute. Sure I could meditate but thats only for an hour and I'm boycotting that right now. I did however give myself a really kick ass looking pedicure and manicure. And there's a chance my benefits might get extended again. So there's that. And tanning. And I don't know what else. Oh and yah, what a weird season finale for the office. I almost liked that there was no really big cliff hanger. House was good though it seemed a bit rushed. Maybe I'll bump up my netflix to 2 at a time now. Though I only have 30 things on my que... so then what? Nevermind.

xo,
m.

resolve

And I'm not talking about carpet cleaner, although my mom says we can keep their carpet cleaner, which we borrow periodically to clean our one carpet that is a magnet for dog-hair-and-whatever, since they hardly have any carpets left to clean anymore. (It's all becoming hardwood.) Although, maybe that should be a resolution. All right. Here we go.

In the year 2008, I, pen, resolve to:

1. Make sure we clean the carpet more, using above-referenced carpet cleaner.

2. Loll about in the already-green pasture, i.e. ENJOY what we ALREADY have. I ruminated a bit on this idea previously, and I'm driven to really keep with it. Like, instead of buying any new movies this year, even if they're only $5.50, like at Target, or pre-viewed on Netflix, I should watch we already have. Because we have quite a collection and do not need more. Oh, and kids, we don't need anymore kids right now, for pete's sake. And when shopping, when "needing" anything new, I want to think through carefully and asess whether a) we really need it, b) we need it now or can we wait and ask for it for birthday/Christmas, or c) if we could just plain do without. Or maybe there's something we already have that's similar, or maybe we have the materials needed to make it. Or whatever. That sort of mindset, to back off from excess and waste, and move toward conservation, inventiveness, etc, is what I'm talking. And let's be honest, all this geeky, socially responsible, yawn-inducing talk is really all about:

3. Decreasing the debt. I want to end the year 2008 with LESS DEBT than 2007. I don't want more debt, I don't want the same amount of debt, I want LESS DEBT. Even if it's by a dollar. The high-interest mess gets tackled first. I want to do what it takes, in all the ways that I plausibly can.

4. Have a big yard sale. Not just for the money to go toward Resolution 3, because you can never really expect to make a whole lot--they're a total crapshoot, dependent on so many cosmic factors. But we just have a lot of clothes and VHS tapes and vacuum cleaners and other stuff we're simply done with that is all piling up in a designated Yard Sale Heap. It's in the corner of the guest bedroom, it's becoming quite the mountain, and I can't wait to see it gone. The air will be so much more lovely to breathe after crawling out from under that pile of bricks.

Lastly, I resolve to:

5. Revisit this post at year's end and blog about whether I actually pulled off these resolutions.

Oh, and on that note! Looking back at last year's Eve, where I pondered the notion of how one brings in the New Year: I ended that post imagining/hoping/predicting that 2007 would be "quiet and yet magical, filled with family and low-key good vibes" based on our evening of Harry Potter, one bottle of champagne, chicken parm, and a K.Lo. Did that come true? I don't know that I would call it low-key or quiet. In some ways it was. It was definitely filled with family and many good vibes. So let me not antagonize fate and sloppily approach the Eve of 2008. This year, I am spending New Year's Eve:

showered and flossed (very important)

marathoning Season 3 of The Office

playing Magnetix after K.Lo goes to bed

hoping to hell K.Lo actually goes to bed

drinking just a little rum and Coke

and...dinner.

I don't know what to do about dinner. We have no available, non-interest-based fundage sources to purchase a fun, festive holiday dinner, such as Chinese food. Or 7-layer burritos from Costco. We have some materials on hand. And I suppose, looking at Resolutions 2 and 3 that I need to work with it. Or do I save that for tomorrow. Gah. Frozen fish patties it is? Bleh. Must summon creative forces.

Happy New Year, everyone! Good luck with all your own resolutions, and enjoy the day.

miscellany and hope

ON BEING HOPEFUL

uncertain: As in, though at the moment I have a hard unpleasant feeling in my stomach, I would hope I would not throw up…. I’m chewing gum and drinking chamomile tea (there was no peppermint).

back and forth: in fighting for sleep last night I talked myself out of malaise… no, m, your debt IS going down. No, M, you’re not a complete loaf, you work out at least 3x a week. No. no. no. There's hope. One piece of debt number at a time.

then: I wish we had digital tracking meters that showed the distance traveled. Then i could more spot focus what i need to work on... Oh you see self, it’s not so bad. In the span of your life look how much you’ve accomplished. Or, danger. Danger. Self. You have completely neglected french.

hopeless: quatre-vingt-dix-neuf... you tell me why that's 99. (4-20-10-9) (4x20+10+9)

Name my debt mobile!

It's the one on the left! It was either "fun and sporty" or you know "young professional"... and clearly i'm not that. i've always had to stay minimumly employed for the CC so i don't know why a carbill and insurance would make my chest tighten and yet... But anyway baby needs a new name. To start its life off right. Any suggestions?