Pencomplaint,

This was not the day to be stranded at home as the power is going to go off in an hour or so. (mom took the car) And my phone is flipping out and i'm getting messages from my hotmail. Maybe that's a good thing. I don't know. But chime-chime-chime as i'm trying to sleep...? eh. Yesterday I maxed out my CC trying to buy a bathing suit from target just so I could have an alternate, though as I looked at it later its almost too fancy for its cheap price. And am I going to swim laps in that? Which doesn't matter anyway bcs the pool is closed until the Friday and the other pool that I love in Pas is closed until mid-june. Whatthehell. Obviously I need to schedule in a beach trip. Not that I can afford the gas but whatever I have like 3 new beach dresses, which despite my effort at some modesty still spill a little bit comparatively speaking, and they're totally cute. But anyway I had my debit card with me and I also bought some fancy dental floss. I went mostly undaunted after that to yoga where I felt productive, and then met amber at sharkeys. Though I felt pukish after lunch and slightly like I'm fighting something off toward bedtime. Which may explain why I find myself feeling like a failure. Non-specified. Or that vague apprehension like i've forgotten something. Roving anxiety. My finished book, and oh! after 2 1/2 yrs juryduty found me again. I'm wondering if i want to make it my job. Get a long trial if I can? Eh. Beats trying to rehab a resume geared solely to a career in an industry I can't become employed in. Which looking around at my home group- 1/2 of us are unemployed or hate their jobs and in various degrees of disgruntled so. At least i'm not alone.

I need to take a shower but that's currently impossible and brush my teeth but I don't feel like it. I think maybe after I plant all the baby plants I'll shower outside. It's more possible than it would seem like doing other things outside, which really I don't mind doing because I'm that sort of person. As a side note the only worry i have about the bathroom is the shittylooking tub that we're keeping and i'm worried that the vanity which I think we're also keeping needs some massive overhaul before it looks anywhere decent... oh and the 80's industrial window my parents are refusing to replace. I know all of these things will look like crap against shiny new tile and a sparkly new mirror and more bathroom lighting, is all I'm saying. And it just means that I have to stare at something when i go in there and huff and think SOMEDAY. And by that I mean some mythical day when I have money? or a husband? or what? to be able to replace a shittywindow and buy a new vanity. ? Never. Anyway.

I'm a tad cranky. And everytime I sigh the muscles around my ribs hurt because of yoga. Whatever I'll sign off. I'm going to start reading our book again and I'll pick another alternate so i don't get too far ahead. What with the no power coming my way in a minute. Sure I could meditate but thats only for an hour and I'm boycotting that right now. I did however give myself a really kick ass looking pedicure and manicure. And there's a chance my benefits might get extended again. So there's that. And tanning. And I don't know what else. Oh and yah, what a weird season finale for the office. I almost liked that there was no really big cliff hanger. House was good though it seemed a bit rushed. Maybe I'll bump up my netflix to 2 at a time now. Though I only have 30 things on my que... so then what? Nevermind.

xo,
m.

Night Showers, by M

let me just say first: night showers = amazing. they are my preferred method of showering. for one afterward, when you go to bed and get btw the sheets you're all silky and smooth and luxuriant and clean feeling and you don't just slip into that ordinary going thru my day like i always do. it's a conscious, mmm i feel lovelygood. i also find, sometimes, going to bed with damp hair increases their curl (no gravity) which lets me wake up feeling even cooler and more awesome then when i went to bed. i love waking up with tousled wavvy hair- no blowdryer needed. i can't help it. plus its just a good way to decompress after the day, a little recap, a little core warming/cooling depending. i cannot say enough about night showers.

i was a little stressed on wednesday and my initial instinct was just to just go home but i pushed through and found myself at the gym and then in the glorious water- which despite its chlorinated form and its increasing need for filtering and vacuuming, it felt so good to dive down and hit that mirrored ceiling before you break the surface with the bubbles trailing behind you in the blue. it still makes showering unfortunately necessary despite itself. but water definitely must have healing properties. we are composed of it.

but too often showering is seen as a chore, like brushing teeth and is too often associated with our obsessive need to be odorless, clean and have dry skin, brittle hair- which is all symptomatic of over showering and yes, the weather. but when i'm in my right line of thinking showering becomes a glorious way to honor all of me. down to my delicious oil-tangerine-sugar scrub from TraderJoes to my pomegranate body wash. shuffling off dead skin, moisturizing, meditating and giving my body that whole tingly alive but calm feeling.

and there's something about doing it at the end of the day, that gives you pause to everything you've just been through or done. and helps sometimes to evaporate it, dispel it, or nurture whatever it is our psyche is churning over.

mmm. awesomeness.

solitary

Hello, Here I am again, doing laps. It's an odd start so far. Sort of pushed me in and expected me to swim. Though my habit without guidance is more, swim a little, float, swim some more, wonder what I'm suppose to be swimming toward. Still not quite sure. Get out of the water often. Take my fully regimented breaks in the full sun of a beautiful wind-swept day, find rest and serenity in the bathroom- a quiet, dark and cool space where I can stretch and deep breathe. Watch a lot of people chatting and swimming further down the pool in the deep end, daring people to jump off the highdive. Look around in my section and the only other guy is getting instructions from the coach. Pushing him hard and telling him they like the way he looks. Coach isn't looking my way. Find it kind of uninspiring. Want to be independent and self guided only if I'm suppose to be. Sort of wonder if I'm being tested or set up to fail. Maybe forgotten about. Warily I do back-strokes to time and try to enjoy it. Make eye contact, smile in the appropriate spaces. Look up at the sky and try not to think about it.

Arkansas River: Royal Gorge Tour

Have you been there? Done that? I think you should. Because it's gorgeous if nothing else. The rapids were not a thrill every minute but on the other hand I'm not in shape for that. 2 hours on the river was enough manual labor for one day. Enough to make my side ache and the cramp to work out of my leg, which by the way happened after a day of walking in chicago. Before me like a mirror of what is to come i hobbled out of the car like an old injured woman in need of a cane, everytime we got out of the car... A class V, a couple 4's, a few 3's and mellow mellow mellow was all i needed to make it totally and completely worth it. Gorgeous rocks vaulted into the sky, sprayed in lichen and red walls. A fawn. 2 herons, and melodic rushing water.


Before I figured out how to ride side saddle every difficult rapid i found myself hurtling into the center of the boat. Drenched. With a big chip in my paddle from the rock my side of the boat hit. After that i was leaning back and engaging my abs and saying obnoxious things like, can i work the left side? my right obliques are tired... Amber and i quickly diagnosed the weak links in the boat but since we were guided we didn't have to hurl anyone overboard or yell at Charlie in the front to be a better pace'man. It was fun hearing about a newlywed named Tiffany complain about Lousiana and her husbands plot to move her out west. Her fear of getting clobbered by the rapids. And two guy BF's bonding on their adventurous adventure.


Half way thru they moored us at a narrow point of the river, fairly deep and calm. They said, just swim across the current to the eddy and then from there, climb up and you can jump off the rock. If you miss the eddy just keep swimming to the right, make your way to the shore and climb back upstream. If you miss that, keep going and we'll pick you up downstream. But not too far. I mean what if we hit rapid by then? Don't try and stand up. That's how you get pinned under a rock and drown. And you probably can't breathe underwater for the 30minutes it'll take to get you unstuck. Got it? Got it.

I watch a few people make the swim across. I think, ohfuckit, I'll do it. Then I hit the water. Louisiana girl follows. Paddle with arms. Feel current. The current is strong. Adrenaline kicks in. Read, swift. I will notfuckingbewasheddownstreamAHHHHHHH. Swim Mendacious Swim! Kick those legs. (Thank god i took up swimming). I make it. I see out of my periphery louisiana girl getting swept down stream, panic and confusion in her eyes, like how can i not be making it right now. I arrive at the ledge in shaky breaths. Two guys try to help me and I feel bad. It doesn't work. I eventually shimmy up on the side and lay there for a minute. Get up still heaving breaths, and thinking oh fuck. Fucking altitude. Fucking river. But I made it. I think, this is enough exersion for one day. I will not jump off the rock. I lean. I pant. I catch my sorry ass breath. I see Louisiana girl bedraggled appearing up the ridge. She says, some guy wouldn't let me on his boat. He said, I was on my own! We laugh. She's not jumping off the rock either. I glance across the river to our boat. The wheels turn. Hmm.

Wait, how am i getting back there? OH, that's right. Huh, I guess I am going to have to jump off a rock. We go 10ft upstream to the end of a class 2/3 rapid and I jump in first. My logic here was a. i don't want to go in feet first. Read, sink like a rock. The stream will already be carrying me the minute i hit the water, making it harder for me to return to the boat. b. dive? hmm. dive? no. c. sort of jump flail combo. yes. yes. That sounds perfect. So for comedic amusement (ahem, apparently) I bear tackle the arkansas river. Essentially one might call it a belly flop but i was up and swimming and not in pain pretty quickly. The guide watches me make my way and i hold onto the boat, making my way around. I say, I'm going to go ahead and beach myself right here. He laughs. I smile and look up into the big blue colorado sky.

Then after, we became part of the amusement ride. Royal Gorge trains with cartfull camera toting tourists. We are in somebody's camera, somebody's trip memory. We pose. We say, you should be down here! We are waved at from there and from lookoutpoints. We crane our necks up to the suspension bridge. We watch a tour chopper go vertical on a cliff wall. Then we hear silence and rushing water then still, then trees dipping into the glossy liqued, then ducks and quiet and occassional forward 2, forward 1... then like the cool kids we are the last on the bus- in squishy water shoes and dripping hair- figuring how far we have yet to go till home, and by god, where are we stopping for food?! I tip the tourguide, look at pictures of us going down the rapid like a true amusement park experience and grin and walk on out into the hot afternoon, the sun still warm on my face and the motion of the rapids just to the right of the road.

Coach Says, SWIM!

Place: Bed. Nestling into my new feather pillow and a still presistent voice chanted: swim, swim, swim. I gave a long side long glance at my gym bag. Really? Hmm. Swim.Swim.Swim.

I've been avoiding it for quite a few months. the gym i joined finally had their pool filled after what has to be like 2 years. i came back from my uh... hiatus ... of 2 months and saw the glimmering blue aqua and a exclamation mark binged over my head. i took it from over my head and folded it in my pocket- and over the ensuing last couple months i've gazed at the pool longingly like you would an icecream shop you couldn't go in bcs you were on a diet. and well the pool is also right there as you come in- so it's like, fishbowl meets hollywood fishbowl and suddenly it takes all the resilience you can muster to conceive of being on display. but i don't like being ruled by fear or mortification, which is why i still swim in the pacific ocean and pick hair out of the drain, so i opted to go in.

my first attempt was on a friday at 6am... walking late to the N.BS and i dismayed when i glanced down at my jeans and xray vision told me i'd completely neglected a few key things. so you know i have a problem brushing my teeth... and well the 6.25 precent of Bohemian i have in me goes full tilt european, especially during winter... which overall is better for my skin because i used to have a huge ingrown hair problem but TMI. right! right.

and to my lowered head, charlie brown posture, told me i was not brave enough to go the hollywood gym looking like helga from ancestories of yore. i was not going to be working out that day. but as it goes try once, try again- today was the day. everything was planned. the bag was stashed. shorts were worn. a towel was brought... and nothing throughout the day brought me as much joy as my head saying, swim, swim, swim... like it was too good to be true.

and quite anti-climactically all went really well. i sat in the hot spa, waited for the young couple to get out of my way like i was in fried green tomatos- i'd make a good kathy bates- and though i mocked my own form and made excuses to an imaginary person critiquing my preformance a good time was had by all, though i eyed everyone suspiciously and watched the time... and nothing is so good as my oh so heavy earthbound person will tell you- to feel the water rush over the skin.