to tula

- and her missed presence, her web-spun perfection. The made-up but delightful word "carcai." To lost things and spring, may they one day be found again.

Is blogging, then, where the details live? I wonder. And it's a strong argument for returning full-fledged (me, you, us, everyone, the whole world even), though in the socially-networked, smartphoned-out world we've built up, we've managed to create a series of daylong energy zappers, or diverters, as the case may be. And so maybe it's quality, not quantity we should strive for, hence smaller lists of the close friends or whatever we choose to label them. But I find myself creeping back to the bigger list, the wider circle, for whatever reason. And then quickly becoming aggravated by the clutter, or bored with the excess of details I never wanted or asked for within this wider circle, and left wanting more and/or wondering when and if to give more to and from the smaller circle.

Blogging is better, I think it can be solidly concluded. But then Facebook is where everyone now lives. Ooo - sidenote - is personal blogging now effectively counter-cultural? Almost. Oh, how quickly this world, the vocabulary and the constructs, evolves!

It does present a conundrum of creative energy and social energy and how and where and when to spend it. Or is it not a conundrum and it's really a simple thing.

I do hate, as I mentioned to a friend (camping buddy) on our recent adventure, how everything is scattered across so many different platforms. Pictures, words, thoughts, memories, explanations. Tula would not approve of this way-tangled web. Our online lives' content is sprinkled and scattered and inconsistent and I wish there were a way to scrape it all together and keep it in one spot, at very minimum. At best, shape into something coherent, cohesive and tangible.

We spent New Year's in the woods, the sky super-clear and way more expressive even than what I see here, from our own front yard. This cabin camping trip was a good 'un and I think it will be replicated in the future. Good company, good food, good locale and good scotchy scotch scotch. One excruciating detail is the sole of my shoe, which I rested on the metal fire ring and effectively melted, shredded. I felt it happening but ignored it until we came home. And m, I can't even. Those shoes. My favorite, favorite shoes (Docs), which I wore everysingleday in the colder months. I buried them in the closet and won't even reexamine or document the damage in picture form. Literally it makes me shudder just thinking about their being wrecked.

The shoe repair place here is closed for whatever reason, and there's this online place that I called today for resoling estimate: $79. Plus $12 shipping. That's nearly the cost of a new pair! Which I could, but can't. I really can't justify that. So I've been looking around on ebay but then I accidentally bid on the wrong size and had to ask for bid retraction and consequently cut myself off from ebay for the rest of the night.

There's a few days left of break for myself and the children. Somehow every night I dream of work, either mundane events with the children - maybe my subconscious is worried about a few because FB tells me they've been sick? or sometimes it's weird events that make little sense. Last night on the other hand, a preschool dream evolved into one where J.Lo insisted that, given perfect sky conditions, he could and would fly me in a plane to closely observe the moon.

I'm resolving - no, readying - to conquer or at least surpass the winter's doldrums. I do love that about a school year, the predictable, traditional, month-by-month way it unfolds. And in teaching, how you become responsible for that unfolding, creating and carrying each month's meaning. It's kind of a beautiful anchor. January for my group is all about hibernating. Bear-hunting and such. (EEJ, your birthday party of yore is inspiring an entire classroom setup!)

There is always something to look forward to. Even in this natural time of loss-and-sorrow. (Man, I hate that Param died, right then.) This coming-down from the excitement and glory of Christmas.

There are children to teach, a K.Lo party to plan, walls to paint! And countless other good things.

My resolutions, if they exist, are as such: to create more. What, it does not matter - words, foods, crafts. Now that AA must have received her ninja(?), I can freely blog about how this Christmas season, my absolute favorite thing in the day-by-day madness was hand-making these felty bookmarks and ornaments. With stitching and all. The end results were quirky, personalized and from the penelope-heart. I feel like next year I could start even sooner, but this brings me to my second resolution which is -

to reconnect with serendipity. It's something I feel like the highly sophisticated and awesomely accessible intrawebs has somewhat destroyed, but no - it has simply evolved. Serendipity through FB allowed us in a single random thread to reconnect with old friends and set up that great camping trip. Serendipity through Pinterest landed me on those felty creations, however late in the season. Serendipity still exists, and I want to embrace it.

Also, not a resolution but a conclusion for 2013. Something I almost posted on the FBs and then retracted five thousand times in my mind, but will place here as A Detail: There is no "getting better." I'm done waiting for that, after nearly a year of having suspected LD, journeying to figure out WTF it was and attempting to treat it and then still having symptoms, everysingleday. Every single day, I will probably feel something wrong with me, the weak arm or the achy joints or the not remembering shit moment to moment. Mixing up word context and being only vaguely aware of it after the sentence has been spoken. And other weird or disconcerting randoms. But I can't let the excuse of it overwhelm me into lump-dom, into putting xyz off indefinitely. There is rest and self-caring, yes. But also continuing to live a life, and attempting to make it a good life.

I suppose this a stopping point for now. TBB (to be blogged) is a list of my random pet peeves, to which I couldn't manage to naturally segue here, including the recent trendy word and related phrase, "gut" and "gut health." And I look forward to the Hallmark Channel post.

love to you across the miles,
pen

lao-tang,

The puppy sleeps next to me; the pool is being refilled. It's relatively cooler today than usual from storms. Which I love, because the heat can suck it. Yesterday I spent the day cleaning out a craft supply room for church and discussing my new THREE'S classroom, which is going to be completely overhauled before I start in Sept. Which is a good thing: currently, think dingy white paint, old awful yellow trim, out-of-date circus curtains. Lots of clutter. It will be: no curtains, all white trim, wall color TBD. And organized however we say, at least in accordance to the Big Honking Manual I also took home yesterday. Which is simultaneously completely overwhelming to the point of maniacal laughter - all these nitpicky regulations to establish "quality!" Geez. But also kind of helpful to someone such as myself starting completely from scratch. It's a giant Book O' Parameters, with which I can totally deal. And welcome in a lot of ways, because a direction is good, very very good. And later when I've gotten a handle on it all, I'll totally mock its nitpickiness as begged.

I don't know if you're still mad at me, or wounded, or _____. I will say that intent is completely important to me and shouldn't be disregarded. Certainly you must express your hurt feelings and so you have. I take listening prayer and your practice of it seriously enough that I wouldn't pretend to love it or connect with it just to spare your feelings. I appreciate the freedom to not love something and express that, too. My apologies if that manner of expression was hurtful, although it was more a self-mockery or commentary on my own lack of connection. But maybe too flip. I will also put out there as an intending-to-be objective observation that with ministry, perhaps it's important to meet a person on their level, considering personal style, personality type, etc. There is the element of challenging a person to stretch themselves, too. But then, how fine a line is that, particularly when the person is already stretched to the point of snapping anyminutenow. I know you're looking at a different side of the elephant and seeing your own version of truth while I see mine. Maybe yours is more about sharing and opening up when mine is that it's shutting me down. I suppose we either inch toward each other's truths to at least see what the other sees, or we move on to a different creature.

Like books. Did I dust you? When I posted notes for chapter 3, it wasn't to leave anyone out; I sort of just did it to do it and figured there'd be email catchup whenever each person had finished the chapter. Kind of like when we watch ProRun and say okay - read this email full of my commentary after you've watched, too.

Anyway I'm glad it's a Friday with nowhere to be. Tomorrow, earring shopping with K.Lo, who is at her milestone 6 weeks. And an oil change, yawn. Monday, some travel. Which I suppose means Sunday, some packing. Oof. But onto the most pressing item du jour, which is cleaning up the disaster pit down the hall, also known as K.Lo's room.

xoxox

hashing it out

So I survived the morning sub gig? And I wouldn't say I want to slam the door and run away completely. I'm still processing, so let's talk about it. I'll probably be processing for awhile so it's good I had the chance now and have the time before deciding whether you know - is this what I want to do. Try for. Maybe? The parents overall seem higher maintenance than the children. And the children were all batty because there was a sub. And oh, they were 2-year-olds. I'm fairly sure this is not my preferred age group. And some were sweet but then I do feel like for 3 hours straight you are reprimanding at least one person at all times. And that can be a complete drain. And some of it was just plain overwhelming - like knowing who drops off who and who picks up who and the Personalities and keeping track of how this and that kid did over the course of the day and blah blah. And you forget at that age that you can basically manhandle them if they're not doing what they're supposed to do. Not coming out from the corner? I can so pick you up and carry you wherever I want. Which was the case at pretty much every turn. Crawling under the tables and rocking the chair back into the wall and dismantling the cozy corner, etc. And the new kid who cried - I think he bothered me the least however. Because I get where he's coming from. Anyway if I were there all the time and they were more "my" little students, I suppose it would all become second nature, the absorbing of all these personalities and their rhythms? Maybe. Or would I still at the end of the days feel like I was having to be just so *on* every second, all the time. I find that exhausting. And I totally did yearn for the world of by-myself-$2/hr-fuckit-so-be-it freelance writing work. Oh the tradeoff. Maybe I'll end up settling for a mix? Who knows. Process, process. Process some more. 

Anyway I was completely exhausted this afternoon. 

So back to my self-reminders - HOLY SHIT those designers this season on ProRun! I mean there are bad, mostly missing the mark runway shows and there's the thing that just happened with pretty much absolutely nothing looking even remotely good, at all. Embarrassing execution of sad designs. Nina Garcia in inconsolable yet mirthful tears. Heidi waving her finger and literally saying, Bad Designers. Like they were all puppies. But seriously Patricia and that time-suck of a horrible basket-weave shirt! And those ginormous shirts and shrunken ties and pants that were literally unvelcroing at the seams. While the model stood there, unmoving. Yipes. Just - so bad. I'm already ready for the next season, because who is even going to redeem themselves by the finale, I have few guesses and little hope. 

Birthday! I already filled you in some but that favorite selected moment - it had to have occurred outdoors, as the weather was so penelope-perfect I could barely stand it. Probably when we were all eating our unexpected cinnamon rolls from the cupcake bakery on the backporch. Watching puppy roam. Feeling the spring breeze. Adoring the cream-cheese frosting. Mmm. Yes, that. 

It's Thursday and oh look, I'm already completely behind on bible study for Monday. Whatever? I just can't keep up. Much less with Children's Council stuff, which I've completely blanked on since the last meeting. Too busy mind-spiraling and destroying my fingernails! That stuff takes time and dedication, you know. I did however tackle a giant pile of Things that have been vexing me with their presence for a month and a half now and now the pile is gone. So, small victories. And I think it's time to watch New Girl and then maybe some reading in bed - said bible study fare and then Hex Hall? Which I just purchased with a belated birthday gift card that was totally unexpected but delightful. The library does not have that book! But I do, now. 

love YOU. are you so excited to be going home soon? 

xoxox

penelaotang

Love,

How are you? I miss you. I feel there's all sorts of dangling narratives we're missing of each other. I mean i know it's impossible to get them all and yet...

I survived today but it wiped me out. I tend to go to school with the attitude of laboring in the fields, and both j and k were like, yes, today- so tired.. such a labor. It does confirm for me that this sort of work is probably not a long term plan at least at this point, but lets see what God does in the next 8 or so, and sg is on me about my grading and it's um not being strict which i know is just the next phase of learning like how to use rewards, and since ive only been doing this for what? maybe 2 months? i suppose it's understandable. But still emotionally exhausting- the classes the kids the meltdowns the arguments the not understanding. There's a couple kids too who are just not nice. It's not even that they're being kids but there's something about them. Not quite you know kids without souls but still. Or is it just that they don't like me? Hum. Also my chi class is gone- so the kid who draws and smells his shoes is gone. Kind of sad. Kind of a relief?  Now, I have to teach catch up classes one/one to kids this round who are fidgets with an air of I don't care. Which is a bummer. Ah the in/outs of hagwans- students just come and go here way too much. And also having to block out sg's comment that since i took this one class over they're going "down"... sigh.

Unrelated news, finished the box of lucky charms even though for the rest i'm waiting for easter to open. And am mostly out of groceries- good thing we order chinese food on fridays. Anyway, the cherry blossoms are blooming- big epic trees along walkways, so lovely. And i guess we're getting the hungergames? so i'll see that for this girls birthday saturday and the day is forecasting sun and shine so i'm hoping for some concetrated out in the elements time. And thus ends week 11 on the island if you can believe it.

Tell me of your world.
m.

Penance,

: something (as a hardship or penalty) resembling an act of penance (as in compensating for an offense)

 

On trial: Credit Card debt. Currently hovering at... 16,000. Before I became unemployed (2 1/2) years ago it was at 9,800. Granted I've put taxes on here, some stuff right before I got laid off that I was sure I could pay off, my car insurance... All of that spiked it up there but the padding was provided by meals out, nordstrom rack occasionally, and starbucks and who knows what else. Let's be clear, I've gotten so much better at saying- NO in the last year. But still now the gas is going on there too.

 

And frankly this penance could not come at a better time... as I've finally been cut off from govt. cheese, and CA still has the 2nd worse unemployment rate next to Nevada, and that there are no jobs in sight. Since a job that i actually wanted back in June didn't come through almost precisely 2 years to the day my last job interview didn't come through. And as this preacher said, you Mendacious, do not have control over the recession. No sir, i do not. Which makes me think to that carefree time in the back of that van broken down by the side of the road in Costa Rica and we were all talking about the economy and doing our part to stimulate it before its epic meltdown...But anyway, all that besides, I've wanted to teach overseas on and off since grad school. Japan. Iraq. Taiwan. All have been open to me at one time or another and finally now South Korea. I'm walking through that door i think. It's time. 

 

On the spiritual side you can blame that fast I took in August and a tiny status update on FB and a mere suggestion from a friend-- and honestly it calls to abandon everything i care about- but not in the nihilistic sense, mostly in the God's hand and care and control sense. Which was a bigdeal for me in August... that taking what I want when i want it thing. It also calls for budgeting, goal setting, new experiencing, epic blogging and a trip to southeast asia as a reward when i'm done. That's win/win? I mean if i move to Busan I'm a days ferry ride from Japan...Shanghai China, HongKong, Tokyo... need I say more!? Oh and when i'm done I'll be about 5,000 in debt still... with my options open to me and hopefully no creditcards in sight.

 

Let's think about it. It might just be a good thing.

m.

 

 

Do I, Don't I?

Going to South Korea:

Pros:

• Giving up control over things i most care about (friends, prayer at church, garden lot, twist, the HOUSE)
• Financial provision
• Financial responsibility
• Taking care of finances challenge (can i save money and live on a budget!?)
• Cultural adventure
• Job adventure
• Facing job challenge (teaching!?)
• Facing cultural challenge (what did you say?!)
• New experiences
• It's only a year
• They have starbucks in Seoul.
• I can dream about writing a book i'll never write.

Cons:

• It's a year
• It's s.korea (it's far away man)
• Should I be leaving?
• developing prayer at church
• fighting the good fight with the garden lot
• the HOUSE

Questions:
How much vaykay time?
How much money can I save?
How hard/ easy is it to get things done and do stuff?
Do they have the internet?
Will it suck with the teaching?
What will i be teaching?
Who will I be teaching?
How difficult will it be to interact with the school... pay, beurocracy...? hours?
Will Twist remember me?
Will my parents wait until i come back to tile the bathroom?
I could get a mendacious substitute to stay at the house until i come back?
Will it be a positive to step back from the church stuff even if i'm not the one who planned and executed it and then i come back and it's all decided and what not?

... what else pen, what else?