the where

Indeed I do think that's the better question, the where are we and how do we meet. I did have to take a day to think about that and return to it as for whatever reason yesterday morning I set about on the wrong foot with it and everything else really. Preschool teeming with full-moon driven children who threw toys and upended baskets for sport. The normally docile ones shoving each other and filling each other's clothes (even a diaper?!) with playground mulch, all admonishments falling on very deaf ears. More ear problems then plagued the afternoon with pulling the children from school early to visit the Expensive Specialist for KLo's persistent complaints. Although I liked the new nurse practitioner there, a ponytailed, vest-wearing, kind of mystical man? He left a lot of space between his thoughts, the effect of which was calming. But also was very amused by us, which in turn amused me back. The remaining KLo ear tube was removed, canals were vacuumed and KLo behaved like some rented child, hired to be angelic. Otherwise, results were inconclusive as to why she's having ear pain, aside from an extremely stuffed nose. So now she's theatrically downing Mucinex (tastes bad!) and taking it upon herself to administer nasal spray in a similarly theatrical manner. Except that she sort of enjoys the spray.

This moon (wolf?) is a very, very weird one.

We returned home post-appointment to find our yard spray painted to indicate utility/cable lines, as well as the neighbor-who-hates-us' yard - what. I imagined her constructing a barbed wire border between us to keep our infernal dogs off her property once and for ALL. And I was half overjoyed, half irritated at the prospect. Like at least tell us you're having work done if it involves our yard? Because that spray paint was pretty much on top of our house in the side yard. So I had to call her and ask and she had no idea. Then J.Lo found the work order in his systems (handy) and uncovered that the spray was for cable installation - at another address. duh. I do hope they figure that out before they start digging. Something else to prespire vaguely over.

Back to the question of our meeting place. What is the answer. In this season of life I admit that I don't miss writing or feel any level of commitment toward it. And I feel distantly like I should feel something about that but then I just shrug and continue plowing through the day. Creating is an important element, yes, and words might be the medium, but they don't have to be necessarily. It's like the way I, seemingly without any forethought, gave up twittering well over a year ago and then a few months ago, instagramming. Which was sporadic at best anyway. There was no why to it, it just suddenly wasn't. And all I've done is shrug over it. 

But I miss you. (duh!) Somehow we must renew our commitment to the conversation, I think. Or the narrative, or whatever we want to call it. Apparently the word writing causes me to flee like a scared, winged thing, but I'm not going to ponder that one too deeply. for now, anyway.

This morning (it's a day later that I'm finishing this, of course - yesterday I was pecking the draft out on my phone while inexplicably eating a Sonic breakfast sandwich in my car - I was that desperate for a moment alone before work? - and today I'm in the living room next to a puppy with Game Show Network on the background, oh the 70s...), an idea popped in my head. I don't know if it's a bad one and probably it's the result of coffee energy but sometimes some of those go somewhere! so they are worth having. Anyway, I was thinking about questions or lists. Kind of like those buzzfeed quizzes are so addictive, except as a side note, all of my recent quiz results have been bizarre: mental age, 24. The place I should live, Cape Town. the fuck? Because I'm the kind of person "who never sits still for a moment." Right. And then the Muppet version of me is the guy who throws fish? You know, the one kind of dressed like a clown. What the hell.

Questions, lists, snippets. How I love them so. And I like this idea of throwing them out to each other like a prompt. Like the "What's Making Me Happy this Week" segment on my favoritest podcast. Well maybe it's dumb, but -

From me, of late:
1. Biggest feat:
Finding a Very Lost Library book. In a place I looked five times already - book shelf in the two-year-old classroom. Literally I was losing sleep over this thing, this book with the happy bunny and his damn happy rainbow, because it's not so much the fine of being overdue (nominal), but the inability to take out new books while it's MIA. Unacceptable! And then the unfinished business of either replacing said book or paying some inflated, standardized replacement fee - bah.

2. I might have a problem with:
Larabars. They've been on sale at Target for at least two weeks now and I can't stop trying new flavors. While I have no interest in Blueberry Muffin, anything with peanut butter or chocolate chips can't be beat. Or cherries, that wasn't bad either. They're the best-lunch-ever when sitting down with a table of tiny people who need assistance at every turn. They're ugly enough that no child wants to steal a bite. They're filling enough that I'm not starving my face off half an hour later. And I really can't delight more in such a short, protein-packed ingredient list that eschews GMO things and supports fair trade.

3. I have the sads about:
my dying Bender. She really can't even run anymore, or shouldn't. We leave her inside while throwing ball for puppy and she cries for the length of this torture. The lumps and bumps grow, the limping and creakiness increase. Watching her lay down or attempt to stand is a cringe. Though we've made her more comfortable with some painmeds. Mental snapshot: Bender on Christmas morning, Giving Up in the midst of the chaos by collapsing in a pile of wrapping paper.

4. Most amazing discovery:
The sketchy-looking business near Food Lion isn't actually a human trafficking operation/illicit massage parlor, but an upstanding adult toy shop. (It's called "Shhh... !ntim@cy on a New Level.") Which actually has a ch@nge dot org petition associated with it, but to keep the place open, not shut it down for human trafficking. Apparently it's way too progressive for this community, to sell toys. Oh, the irony! But really, they ought to choose a better name. My mind ran in circles for months over it.

5. Favorite Downton moment:
Lord Grantham and Carson's faces over the prospect of dining with a singer. YES. What would they talk about, after all..

Your turn?
love,
pen

Currently,

It's down to 89 in the house and I'm stabbing at the 2nd frozen block of coffee willing it to melt faster. It's only a matter of time, given the temp, as I watch JeffGo/db/um become a doily salesmen on P0rtlandia. In the 2nd season didn't he play a knot salesmen? I'm not sure.

It reached 101 in shade today. I ate like 4 nectarines and frozen yogurt and one of those chocolate dips from mcds. I bought a giant bag of ice, too. And played gears of war and painted the closet and hallway all day. I thought I couldn't go on but I rallied to finish the 2nd coat on the closet. And feel I did a good days work with the looming jejusarah visit.

You raise an interesting question about narrative threads. A favorite topic of mine, as we are a month shy of our 9 year blog-iversary. (I just finished the coffee. It was amazing. My tongue is numb.) Ok so right threads- I want to hear more. Based on what you've said it occurs to me it all depends on how you read a book in the first place. I remember with horror contemplating your? and my moms, skip to the end to see how it works out before you invest. But then equally your refusal to tell me what happened in a certain book series. I tend to like to know as little as possible going on beforehand, but for certain things to know the arch of a movie or book I wont read doesn't bother me. Oh and what sort of book are we talking? Ulysses? Something by Thomas Pynchon? Or more lately and boringly by Ford Madox Ford, or Proust or I don't know- c.s. lewis? Sometimes I do rightly think i'm in Narnia. And those are the best days. The world isn't as concrete as we sometimes make it out to be. And on the worst days i'm trapped in a descriptive paragraph that wont end for the semi-colons, or worse I've stumbled into into The sound and fury and my head explodes in confusion because i'm not used to fragmented narrative yet. Remember when books actually caused your synapses to misfire do to the narrative construction?

But we're talking about real life... right right. A complicated interweb. I think each season does have distinct beginnings and ends and ok some take longer than others but I think they do and can be resolved. It builds, as frustrating as the waiting is, a sense of expectation... I suppose we have to look at what in our lives has been resolved. What's taken turns and twists. But then I'm talking to your sub-text. And that's not clear in what you expect and what you're staring at. Death is the finisher of all threads is It not? Ha knot. Anyway. Oh not that your sub-text is death. You did mention joy and patience. I think there's a lot of things we can cultivate through discipline, and routine but I think only so much can be done unless God increases our natural capacities. Otherwise it's just work right? Ugh. Who wants it. I asked God to be my work boss a few days ago and then was immediately sending complaints about the tasks and it came down to me asking Him to give me the strength to do it then, and he happily obliges most days when I remember to actually ask and not just sit mired. But then conversely so much is gained in laboring through things. It's hard in this heat.

Humm.

Based on a word from autumn when I first got back - I wrote on my mirror 1. worship 2. be responsible. And I find not much is done but berating myself for crimes against productivity if I start with 2. I see my list like violations mounting a case against me and setting me for failure at the outset. And I sit in judgment of myself and so accomplish nothing. But if I literally put on worship music, sing or hum some tunes over breakfast or just put it playing on in the room that needs to be conquered my mind is overcome and I am suddenly kinetic in a way that sheer will won't accomplish. I think it reorients the focus. In a way that literally makes all things possible. I want to remember this. It has made all the difference since I've been back. We can't hold onto this all the time, but perhaps it's like a morning offering to face the day/maybe not the day- but the maker of the day- and keep the rest for peripheral vision.

I think back to being radically healed from the church and I thought like you about this narrative thread that it would never be resolved. I was miserable in community. I showed up, not knowing what else to do, not realizing that was the thing itself- to just be there- and that God was working in a way I couldn't perceive, so that one day as someone prayed for me I felt it break over me and it was literally done. God has those sorts of things in store for all of us if we pursue him and his promises for us- I think? and for YOU. sometimes we so closely associate our identities with our wounds that we can't tell the difference. Or we think somehow the wound is us. And it isn't. The hurts, the deep places. Those can be renovated. They can be like this one spiritual one for me broken open and excised. So I suppose that's what I ultimately mean about expectation- some I suppose not ever resolved on this side of Armageddon but then, a lot will be and can be in the interim. Which to bring it back- how amazing freedom in Christ really is. And all those debates worthwhile over MM. It is a choice. It is never done without community, but it's something so worthwhile once you walk into it. Shame doesn't have to be a part of everyday life. Shouldn't be.

Well anyway list making for tomorrow and handing it over to God- a new thought pattern- here have this- this is what I need, this is what worries me, and then ok, i'm going to get to work. (obviously with lots of cold things breaks- this weather shows no signs of letting)

xoxoxo,
m

 

Pen-

i'm a bit jealous of your lists. i dont' even want to dip into the horror of 2011. bodo died. shingles. no more govt. cheese. the one shining highlight was Chicago and the fast i think in August. i mean who doesn't love mystical calls written in chocolate and thinking yes, korea! so it's not that there weren't good things? but shudder. (aw what about twist and mortimer, awww.) then i thought, wait, so i relooked at your lists and they're objects, not events so i could do that- but i dont even know if i can remember. did i even read that many books? maybe you could give me some questions re: 2011- the supposed year of transition? did i make that up or was it on a fortune cookie? hmm. i'll get to pics of the decorations... but my phone is on the blitz. when the pic chip is working the center buttons for texting and answering calls is out... can't it just hang on a bit longer. no? meanwhile dad wants me to help him tidy up the new house for christmas money in a gross lack of understanding of my if it could get any worse financial condition. but i will. but only when no one is looking, like an elf. maybe what he means by xmas money is bills? i dont know.

oh and in my self-indulgent malaise- i can't buh-lieve i went through 4 days without mentioning the stellar christmas, i'm at the right-hand of my father in glory, jesus danica got. mine is hanging out in the heart of his ministry. getting dirty and doing what he does best. but her's has the whole world in his hands. pretty amazing.

so what else- eating kettle chips. watching a parker posey movie called partyGirl. she's jobless in new york without parents. lessons learned all around you know.

LL asked how i was to which i replied,

current things:
-fancy bras don't fit in small drawers. do i hang them? and wear. it's disturbing the equilibrium.
-is tazmanian honey really that magical?
-taking kitten to get shots
-ignoring calls from citibank (everymorning at 839 and sometimes in the afternoon)
-all the etsy 'featured' spaces are gone. why'd my mind tell me to go there? who want's seaweed? come on now!
-playing a ridiculous amount of online racing with the mariobrothers and crew
-waiting, waiting, waiting to hear about jeju island (tomorrow maybe?)
-getting started on 'the great divorce' and the 'good and beautiful God'
-noticed i have a rock collecting problem, as well as an inordinate amount of glasses.
-giving away 4 boxes worth of crapolla to goodwill. victory. goodbye barbie dolls but the garbage pail kids, ok, lets keep those. i didn't say i was logical.
-hit square in the nose by a box with a metal christmas stand in it last night (how i might likely die when i'm older due to fatigue and stupidity filed under: ladder, boxes, climbing)
-watching 2 shows about vampires- dark shadows (de classeee, from the 60's) and the korean soap 'vampire prosecuter' (as you know, will he avenge his sisters death and find the "man" who did this to him?!)
-absolutely resisting stillness - result: eating gf chocolate frosted cupcakes, carrots, lots of tea, mindlessly up late and staring into space doing nothing in particular... certainly not talking to God. i realized that this was the particular condition- if one doesn't want to be productive, or is depressed, but occupied? resolving? to?... uh, maybe i'll... zzzzzzzzzzz. que staring into space. ooo or maybe have some cinammon raisin toast. yes. and some tea. walking sounds like it's going to take a lot of energy. and so is all this sorting. i don't even know how i did it.
-zero remembered dreams, apparently done processing ;)
-raw milk cheese is pretty good
-thanksgiving, ok.
-got a smaller monthly calendar after 11 years. don't know if i'm ready for that kind of downsizing. and yet there it is. will i adjust. it's like everything's in miniature. why'd i go there?
-splitting cuticles
-
-new pillows
-christmas decs
-what hair removal product do i use? nads/nair/wax?
-i just sneezed
-it's 11:14pm
-74f.
-goodnight.

Pen,

Here's a poem from the book you gave me:

Ash Wednesday

Stepping from the brightness of Epiphany
I enter an unfamiliar place called "Lent"
My eyes are slow to adjust to the change.
I blink back tears and stand still wondering
if my eyes are open or closed,
for nothing visible lies before me.

My sense tell me there are objects ahead--
prized places, sacred spaces.
There is no sense of urgency;
time has fallen away leaving
forty days and forty nights
to explore this unknown, yet somehow familiar place;
touching, feeling, knowing holy moments.

-(gretchen oliver)

-I think this is how i feel about things.

In other news a list of things:

-chicago fallen away like a bright but distant memory of good food, friends, that restaurant (the one that I wanted that wouldn't open) trying to live on cash only and surviving. that was a feat even if this month is a failure. i want to say more but i already feel adrift from that magical place.
-my eye is twitching (still) and i don't even want to talk about my toe
-my nails are growing which is nice and i debate growing my hair long or cutting it but i don't suppose i mind the grey.
-the wisteria is blooming soft and alluring, the freesia is a heady druggingly sweet fragrance that hits you as you walk by and demands attention, the lilac is lovely, formal and reserved.
-i named the grey cat Mortimer. But i'd like a cat and a dog to have in the house. Not that i don't love the ones i have.
-i have to pick the rest of the oranges
-i have to paint
-and quilt
-i filled up a miniature journal. it only took me 1.4 years.
-i'm out of gas, so i have to go... so i can go get some. literally. i mean but i think i'm also out of gas non-literally. so either way.

have a good day,
m.

What's up, Pen?

So how goes?

My event was a success i think. Questions were raised, discussion was sparked. I think it served its purpose to put it too lightly. When really even despite some theological soundness questions it was pretty amazing. And the woman who spoke was really an utter delight.

Today is the first day in a number of days i don't have anything going on. I had that one productive day on Thursday and then I'm not really sure what happened to me after that. Did you find your envelopes? I hung out with Danica, event, church- amber brought over Mariokart, so that was pretty exciting. We didn't have time to wii tennis.

This morning I woke up reluctantly with that oh, fine, i'll get up sort of thing. My phone chimed. I could hear Turtle meowing loudly to get in to my parents bedroom. Being an 18 yr old cat gets you special privileges. I threw some stuff away this a.m. Sorted. Where does all the crap come from? I think i'm feeling anxious maybe. Its a fine line between managing that and the clutter which sometimes isn't clutter but just little bits of things that don't have a home but should. And why some days it all seems to be closing in on you and other days its just a delightful palette of color and texture. I don't know. I feel like roaming. I'm going to go now.


list:

-mirror from demo '10 in car for giveaway (why thefck did it take so long?)
-bricks trashed
-pinetree branches trashed
-icicle found
-balloon and trashbag in yard trashed
-fence,box,chords, ladder, hulahoop, etc. to garage
-3 plants moved
-dead bird buried
-held ceremony "go with God little bird"
-2 pairs of shoe to moms room
-2 towels dispersed
-laundry put away
-dishes put away
-boars head bacon is delicious
-tea made
-damn over steeped
-hosed walkway
-lunch

Pennylists,

Well, I'm here. I've had a shockingly productive day. Post office, tidy yard, water plants, wash car, vacuum insides, simple green to the seat spots inlieu of pro-detailing or dyeing the seats orange. Which I may still do. I then gathered 3 writing samples- an old essay on Samuel Johnson and Wit, a short story and a cheeky screenplay coverage sample. THEN i finished a sample of crafty/installing general awesomeness for my website (for someones perusal). Oh and what, 2 more seaweed pressing sold. Out of nowhere. I don't get it. I mean i'm not arguing. Obviously. Oh and someone called from the Academy of Music and Dramatic Arts to set up an interview for a mysterious temp job of which i know not the task, length or pay... I managed to watch at least three episodes of Pushing Daisies, a 1945 adaptation of '10 little indians', read one page of my novel, and whatever else. It's a whirl.

I turned down the shower option and what can possibly be accomplished tomorrow... maybe the shower. I don't know. Anyway. Tanning?

This letter is a classic example of being tired, and having too many scattered thoughts to hold glue. Lists shmists... Hold water. Anyway.

What's the undercurrent- anxious thoughts, encouraging thoughts. Too much tv to read between the static. category upon category of self dissected in the blink of an eye twitch to which i think i should write it down. But I won't hold still.

love you, m.

Pear, n.

I'm in my pajamas and the night is restless around me. It is perhaps the latte or the ricekrispie square coursing through me, or the buck moon, or the way the bubbles of air swirled in the water as my hand swept by while swimming. It is some summer night of yearning. A contemplation of nearly missed genius, or magic, or opportunity unrealized. But something hums within. And wants more. Maybe it is me in motion and everything static around me. It's not warm enough here for that. Perhaps I'm losing momentum. Or like an unfamiliar turn in the road that you travel all the time, you wonder at the last moment if you should turn. Also we have no fireflies.

Maybe I'll paint my nails or read. There were two netflix of note- max and mary which was awesome claymation of a really unlikely and poignant friendship and another called in one day- english, where not much happened but something definitely did happen. And episode 2 of s4 of 'the guild'. The girl mentions that she didn't know she was suppose to vacuum the inside of her computer and i laughed bcs that is exactly what i did for mine. It doesn't make loud noises now on start up. It's pretty amazing if I hadn't said. And this morning I bought a lightbulb for Lollys taillight. I feel accomplished- now if i can bring myself to find a small wrench to use I might even fix the problem completly.

I wish I got to see you soon. That's part of it. The days are slipping by. Week 2 come and gone of the job. The heel still hurts but not as bad. The shoulder still aches but not so nearly as before. And somewhere in btw all of these small things we'll come together. It's ok. We'll wait. I have the beadshow Thursday. The word europa to contemplate. Things to meditate. At least 3 lists. A prayer thing to go to on friday so i can get some shirts for my volunteers for the project on saturday at path. people/assisting/th/hmless. Now that I have 2 people signed up i don't want to drop the ball. Also i need to see the space. I have not. I don't even know what they need. I don't even know how i came to this moment. Also i'm trying not to hold a grudge against the person who stole the sunflower out of the churchlot by its roots. I hope they were drunk or high or happy and it was some light of Christ come carrying them home. And that they dropped to their knees and knew that the sunflower meant something entirely other. i wonder sometimes also, unrelated, about doing a blog on each prayerwalk, as they are seperate adventures that i maybe imagined over experienced. There's one tomorrow. And yoga to fit in. And the necklaces to ponder.

I've got to go.

m.

Pensfaraway,

Hello you. Whereever you are. Sure i'm coming down from being a fly on your wall to being wrenched back to my own world and not so much flyish but a sad blob. There's no food in the fridge either. I should probably go shopping. I did manage to buy like 3 boxes of popsicles. And i had a last packet of oatmeal for breakfast. I'm up unusually early. So in this time i've already watered the pots and am watering a portion of the yard and rescued 4 slowgrowing poppies from the mutant snapdragons and have come up with a list of to-do 4 spring as the garden goes fulltilt. Also i need to clean the garage. But first things first- those necklaces, a whole bunch of necklaces. Once i finish the last one of the easter faire, i'll have an almost 2 month break before the next ones are due. Give me a chance to catch up on the other ones. Not related to the next or the first, or the last or whichever, but ones I still need to do. So many I have that it is a wonder what exactly I've been doing with my time. Doing the warrior dash and going to Chi- that's what. I know that's next. And by next i mean in 2 wks.

Anyway, what else to say, i'll just keep rambling. Did you finish everything you were going to finish? I'm listening to some lovely chanting, haunting the halls type melodies. It's called the 11,000 virigns: Chants for the feast of st. ursula. I don't know who ursula is but i can only hope the food was good, because the singing is so sweet and sad. I am not sure whether it pulls me to death or to drink in the sweet sunshine of life.

m.

Pennypancakes,

Yesterday was pretty good. I had that: and thus the day progressed type feeling. Watched some netflix, ate some fudge and pondered the clutter of my room as I composed letters, and minute meeting notes. Massaged the consistent tingly feeling of the left side of my right knee. It's just a tad angry i've escalated the working out. The hiking, the moving dirt here and there, but its still better than before, worse than way before that. I just want to say hangon body hang on, we're getting there. But i feel good about going back to acupuncture to. Which I plan to schedule sometime next week.

The praying everyday for an hour is going fairly well. I think there are days that I just hang out with God and not much happens and some days like last night, in contemplating sin that I seemed so tired I might have fallen asleep right away. The night before last though one of the meditations was why do so many suffer because of sin, and i suffer so little. The result being- why am I being saved from my own self-destruction. And the word that came back was "you were mean't to face the sun"- and I was a big pink daisy in the middle of a vast grassy field. I like that. It doesn't explain it but it seemed some fact.

It's raining again. Its happened so often in the last month I might believe we are in some mini el nino cycle. How exciting. I haven't taken it for granted yet though. And it is a nice scene- all the birds lined up on the wires of the patio lights. Mom's gang of finches that she feeds.

And the rest of my day might go something like this list: necklace, necklace, xfiles?, book, book, ipod. Tomorrow I swim and help Kerry clean. So it's like, yes, i'm in need of a shower... but tomorrow?!... oh and as soon as i unplug the ipod and replug in the wire for the phone i can update you properly on babysitting thorne and such. and such and such.

m.

Dear Penelope,

The girl had taken notes about last year and were tucked in a todo to tell you about. i'll let the list lend an investigative thread and you can ask me later what you want to know more about.

The last year in review:
-Climb volcano, zipline,waterraft, come back from the mountaintop
-Lost job immediately after
-Rash of unfortunate tickets
-I visit Penelope
2/22 ?
-Mexico
-Print out emails.
3/7 "most days i feel God has put me here, other days I feel imprisoned, a glorious captivity but nonetheless."
3/27 "today,i" posts begin for a month
4/13 documenting my life freak out, too much.
-human bondage quote on relationships and artists and money
-danica outings (villa,downtown,moca,lacma,balboa,siagon,japgarden)
-hikes callie,brigid,kerry (out into nature)
-poppies
5/13-letter to self
5/26 the penelope letters
*stopped creative writing
5/18 G4network
6/09 Art department and Scully (priceless)
*knee has had it
7/7 muriel
-wheat allergies
-spiritual healing from the church
-my intention set "i want to be free"
-6th grade teacher finds me on FB as well as my first BF lori
-Back to my 15min miles
-July to August: visions and the letters
8/21 biola for a spiritual formation degree?
-ministry of friendship
9/3 Chicago (jerami,uvula,misty and cath)
-swim a mile
-no running,no jogging, knee is still not having it
-wedding bouquets
10/20
*lists fail me
10/29 upper rooms?
11/14 "slings and arrows"
12/4 catch flu
-start acupuncture
---
possible resolutions (or at least thats what i infer it means. surrounded by a box with the words "to do" and an arrow:

less corn
less white rice
more greens
more fish
less sugar
-
24lbs?
acupuncture
swim
....

all right i'm off to slather cocoa n'shea butter oil on my dried out skin, not shave, and mostly dress for the day. there is nothing particular to do but hangoutwithamber, undo and redo a necklace, wait for the last of the storms before a respite of sunshine and pray for an hour. it is not as easy as it would seem.

on to-do lists, by pen & m

[Reading this discussion, which took place over the course of several emails, I have concluded we are either really brilliant, or deeply neurotic.]

 

pen: have written a to-do list! in a notebook! the dunder-mifflin notebook. and this will be the beginning of an era. i can't get by without them, it is clear.

 

m: to lists!!

it’s a life long pursuit of lists- you might have something on there a year- but it'll get done. perhaps in the back of said awesome notebook you should have a 'long term' to do list. ?

 

pen: yeah, it's like, i don't know why i ever stopped with the lists. they free my mind up, and i feel less stressed knowing it's on paper and not slipping through the cracks. because stuff is slipping through the cracks, and the worst part is that i've stopped caring! not cool. i mean, it's good that i'm not as panicked about shit (i guess??), but i'm really surprised at the length of my list. like all those particles were just floating around in my brain, and i had this vague sense of urgency about them? but i would never have remembered everything. and it feels good to cross stuff off. i'm not sure about this wayward, boundless notebook, but it will work for now. eventually maybe a planner again, but the day boxes need to be the right size. not too small. or too big. definitely a long-term list is in order. [omg, i sound like a cross between goldilocks and rainman.] the background projects. i've already started one. :)

 

m: and listmaking -- i started it for the very same reason- all the things i want to do eat up my head and short circuit my brainpower. it’s terribly inconvenient not to mention the rampant undercurrent of anxiety.

 

pen: listmaking! how i ever thought i could manage my own life, much less 2-3 others w/o a list?! i don't even know. definitely we are just some very active minds and can't be consumed with the trivial details, it will stand in the way of our greatness. best to put it down on paper, cross off, and be done.

 

m: i'm so happy for you and your [gym going/loop walking—separate part of convo]/list making self- it seems like ordered and good and nourishing.

 

pen: my list is long. how did it get so long? also, there are a few different tiers to the list, and i'm worried items will be lost... but at least it's all down on paper.

warm weather, a list

Good

greenery

garden

less layers for children, less time to get out the door

flip-flops

popsicles

outdoor play, lots of it

 

Bad

shorts

sun block (one more layer for children, more time to get out the door)

soon-to-be-oppressive heat

need a/c

bugs

snakes

water bill

Ugly

car becomes an oven

bug bites

inevitable rash from flip-flops

power bill

Enclosed Spaces

dear you,
i'm reading this book about found letters and notes and eating little broccoli trees with hummus. we'll see how long this sort of good behavior lasts. i even took the dogs for a walk. is it too much to say also that i'm on the first part of leviticus, getting back to reading the bible all the way through because I miss it. and that i wish you could know this part of me. this church going, faith having part of me. or that you were here to take a walk up the hill with me or walk on my back because its sore.

behind all of the lists is the ticking of time too. the calendar. the physical days passing. not quite sure what productivity means or if i should disavow the word or if maybe being schooled in discipline is a better, surer thought? that's really what the ordering of the lists mean. that is why the lists started. discipline.

1. read bible
2. check email
3. stay away from facebook
4. walk dogs
5. paint
6. go on a hike?
7. ?
8. go see Das Rheinhold by Wagner... pack: burbon, nuts, cheese and chocolate for the 2.45 performance.
9. stop being so good at wasting time

recent findings, (in)conclusions

• I do not, nor possibly will I ever, enjoy brown rice.
• Same goes for whole grain pasta, although I *might* give it another chance.
• Until then, I plan to fully enjoy my nutritionally valueless refined pastas and rice. Yum.
• Most of the other grains I eat are whole, with no HFCS. I know too much to eat differently, anymore.
• It’s very difficult to find hot dog buns without HFCS. Even from the grocery store bakery, you still might not find them.
• Antiperspirants make my underarms hurt (random? or is it), so I’ve switched, as an experiment, to all-natural deodorant.
• I’ve tried two different kinds, and one works just fine, although it’s not summer yet. If you know what I’m saying. My underarms felt much better.
• The other kind totally still make my underarms feel weird, and I swear that it made my boob hurt, too. A lot.
• Just because you can’t google the pain, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
• I’m kind of lucky that I don’t sweat much, though.
• Not exercising aids this issue. There’s a positive. Of not exercising.
• Although, I did exercise twice this past week. For the first time in forever.
• Organic Braeburn apples are stop-in-your-tracks tasty.
• Costco is still the most convenient place for me to buy produce. Even if it’s mostly not organic, and definitely not local.
• Whatever. It’s like, wherever and whenever possible.
• I love dark chocolate, a whole lot.
• Farm-fresh eggs? Yes.
• Pure & Natural soap smells really good and comes in a container with baby’s breath seeds in it. You can plant the container, for real, and thusly enjoy the plant.
• However, despite its Pure & Naturalness, it still makes me break out.
• Aveeno soap remains the only soap that doesn’t make me break out. Fragrance or fragrance-free, doesn’t matter. Aveeno, thumbs-up.
• J.Lo hates the Mrs. Meyer’s dish soap I bought, which is rhubarb-scented. Upon further examination, I don’t blame him. Will probably donate said dish soap to a better cause.
• The glass and countertop cleaners, however, are not not as offensive. And, they work.
• I still use bleach to clean the bathroom, occasionally. Don’t foresee this habit changing. Mainly because it works. Kicks the shit out of some mold and germs.
• Are you still listening? I totally don’t blame you if you aren’t.
• Actually, I’m not sure we have a substantial blog audience anymore, anyway.
• Everyone’s on Facebook, or else living their “offline lives,” or whatever.
• And that’s fine. I’m glad that, in addition to a Facebook account and a life offline, I still have a journal.
• And a space that is just Pen & M’s.
• However, if you are still listening, we love you.
• I can’t think of anything else to say. And it’s bedtime.

Penelope out!

Dear Chez Lo

Dear Staff,
Thank you so much for your care and attention to my needs, and directing me to the specifics of your facilities workings. Firstly, I'd like to address the more pragmatic concerns of your letter, in regards to my person, as naturally that is the most paramount to me.

Please forward the enclosed to the kitchen staff:

• Almonds, String Cheese, Apple Sauce, Sunflowerseeds, Carrots/Celery/RedPeppers-Hummus, Non/Low Fat Yogurt, plain with Granola, Fruit, giant kosher pickles, dark chocolate, Fruit, Almonds, Luna and or Clif Bars (but only if we're traveling long distances without breaks).
• Tea (Iced/Hot), Sparkling Water, Water, Small amounts of Lemonade/Cranberry Juice.
• Since my return from Cen/Am I'm trying to do small dinners and larger lunches...
• Breakfast: Oatmeal (flavored), Eggs (scrambled) w/Toast, Sausage, Bacon, Omelets, Oat Cereal (not wheat, just in case), Yogurt non flavored with fruit and or granola
• Lunch: Meat? (burgers, paninis, grilled meats, vege and salads)
• Dinner: Smaller portions of meat, more vege, and I'm open to tasty breads and BBQ. Did I mention grilling and I do actually like roasts and chilis. I do not like pasta as a general rule or olives, or sharpcheddar cheese, or processed meats)

Please forward the enclosed to Housekeeping:

• It depends on the quality and or make of said blankets. If we're talking a down comforter 1 is sufficient. Also in what conditions are the rooms kept? Temperature wise I mean? As a person I tend to run hot and like rooms to skew colder than warmer when I sleep and the blankets would then move in that direction to compensate. I hate waking up hot.
• The pillow question is interesting. Generally I like a multitude of pillows. But prefer they nestle me into a lovely hallow of comfort. If they slip about I will become dissatisfied.

Please forward to management and guest services:

• As to the general expectations of Chez Lo, I find this to be the most interesting, mainly that the children only garner one *asterisk. The linens, dogs, copious licking, that I get... I have on my previous visits witnessed Penelope (I believe she is one of the main residents of your facility), moving out of 1 house and into another, and then getting married, which also involved another house, and both of which involved dogs, wood floors, and some serious eyedaggers when I talked over Gilmore Girls. But these alleged "children" which may require Valium and or ear plugs is specifically the most disturbing thing in the entirety of the letter, though I will not gloss over their charm. Is there any research perhaps that I could do in preparation? What is their schedule? And what if they wake up and want something when I'm there watching them? I mean gasp. . . seriously. What is one to do with them? Also I can only gather by their continual mention that they do in fact exist... which is something I'm left to ponder alltogether on another level.

Please forward to event planning:

• I require a trip to the beach, a ghostwalk either pub or standard, an historical tour, and possibly a nature walk.
• I expect to watch the Office.
• It would be entertaining to workout in the gymroom if those services are available.
• And I would not object to art and craft time.
• Mix CD (themed for M's trip)

Again thank you so much for taking the time to brief me, and if you could enclose the aforementioned notes to the appropriate departments that would be much appreciated. I myself am looking forward tremendously to the scheduled reunion. That it will come off without a hitch with equal amounts of fun time, boredom, and scheduledness. It is most important that this particular guest feel included, and communicated to, even if the staff itself will not be available the entire time, if they need to work or to be shut up alone in a dark room. The guest also does not mind crafted itineraries or occasional spontaneity. But she does in general like to know what's coming. Again, so so excited! Thank you for opening up the Chez for this ocassion. I myself cannot wait.

Sincerely,

mendacious

Back on The, by M

I've been so good lately about blogging that it's like an itch not getting scratched. And the number one question besides, did you have a good time is, is it weird to be back? I did have a good time. It was some other life I was living. Definitely action/adventure. And this life so far, all 6 days of it since I've been back, is one long rest stop. With a few notations to "see friends". I got my severence check fedexed to me last night. It's too bad its not for some company I'd spent the last 10 years of my life at. As it was it was only 2 wks. But I've never got severence before and they're pretty standup for giving it to me. But I wake up, sit in front of the computer, stare at my to do list that has mostly to do with art projects and transferring credit card balances and wondering when exactly to fit my work out in to my other wise jampacked day... I'm sure one of those leisure routines is coming on. Around 1030, since it's so warm over here, go layout for an hour, read your book, the Patagonian Express, chuckle at all the insight he has about travelers being optimists and running into monologue talkers, go eat a snack, work on some art project, eat lunch, go work out, go back to your project, walk the dogs, put your feet up and watch tv. I can see the entirity of every day unfolding this way. It's not a bad life. It's just knowing its going to end soon as the physically ill inducing task of job hunting is in my future. But whatever. It's like not knowing the language of the country you're in. You're in a crowded bus terminal with giant bags of rice wizzing past your ear on their way up, and occassional woman with a basket of chickens on her head. It's warm. Dust is being kicked up by everyone who knows where they are going. It's a lot of them. And you're not sure which bus to pick. You want one to stand out. You want one to pick you. To call you over and convince you to jump in and wiggle past 8 backpackers and countless natives. But it's not time yet. So you shuffle back toward the shade. And eventually you make it back to your hostel, thinking yah maybe, I don't know, I guess I'll take a shower and go lay down.

I see by my list I'm on schedule for breakfast, maybe I'll add a trip to the bank, and worry about all that other stuff tomorrow.

furthermore

I cannot stop with the resolutions! Maybe they’re not so much resolutions at this point, but more To-Do’s, or Would Like To Do’s, for 2009.

• Find a new picture/print/painting for the kitchen. Am sick of Starving Artists cafe pic with ill-proportioned people.
• Garden again, but better this year. Add another bed, amp up the soil, picks lots of good veggies. And water that thing!
• Also, and I would like to do this soon, start an indoor herb garden. Particularly basil. Maybe just an indoor basil garden.
• Cook more from scratch, which as you can see is on my sidebar, for the moment. I’ll perhaps post on this periodically, so you can mock my insanity. Like tonight I made enchiladas, with homemade sauce AND tortillas. That’s right. I will say on the tortillas, hope J.Lo enjoyed them, because that will never happen again. They were tasty. But difficult. And ultimately not worth the effort. On the other hand, the sauce was fantastic.

That is all, until the next one pops into my head.

to:

• Buy new Socks.

• Eat more Fruits and Vegetables.

• Resume with this certain activity I was doing regularly before Christmas and this lovely cold happened… I think it was called “Exercise?” The details are fuzzy.

• Be the Bigger Person, be the bigger person, be the bigger person. Especially when it comes to the smaller people in my life. (Meaning those under 3 1/2 feet tall.)

• Walk Away for a little while, in the face of Vexing Technological Issues. Seriously.

• Continue quest for Debt Reduction, which is established and underway.

• Purchase with a Most Discriminating Eye.

• Remain ever wary of Indoctrination, in so many facets of our society. Never stop questioning, people!

• Enjoy It. (Meaning life!)

 

Cheers, everyone, to 2009!

        

weekend odds & ends

• My favorite, only-pair-that-fits-right jeans now have a big old hole in the knee. I guess they were getting a little raggedy, so thin they wore clean through. But in the meantime, I am jeans-less, and a little sad.
• While at my friend J’s, someone EGGED my car. People still egg cars? The best part is that the shells were brown. I like picturing the hoodlum in question thieving his parents’ expensive brown eggs to go throw around the neighborhood.
• I really like my wreath (below). I might have mentioned that. It cost under $10 to make. Even the bird makes me  happy.
• Our deck is now all gone, courtesy of badass, crowbar-wielding J.Lo. Plans for spring include a new, lower deck, possibly with a tin roof. I like the way they sound in the rain. Not to mention I’d love some shade, without breaking the bank.
• I *accidentally* forgot my computer at my parents’ house this weekend, which meant I *couldn’t* do any work during Craft Weekend. *Oops.* I’m kind of sick of work. I find it highly over-rated, especially during the holidays. However, being sick of work doesn’t make the need for it go away. Profound, I know.
• Susie nearly won Survivor: Gabon last night. While I’m sure she’s a lovely person in real life, she did nothing of note the entire season, save for creating fire in a challenge where no one else could. I would have DIED if she won. Sugar didn’t really try for votes, which is why she didn’t get any… but the contest should have been down to her and Bob. Susie was the recipient of three “I don’t know who else to vote for” votes, but that doesn’t make them okay. Also, Corinne is Evil Personified.
• I now officially drink my coffee black. It only took a few days to get used to it. It’s tasty.
• I’ve no idea what to make for J.Lo’s work potluck. Something savory. Any suggestions?