The We,

I think that's why I suggested we stop blogging. I'm trying to release you from something I feel is an unpleasant burden and a key of a sort of resentment. Though you rally. Why keep insisting when you have no heart for it? And when I stopped doing that a few months ago, my very posts are the reminder, and the herald of unansweredness. I want to let you go from that. Please let me, let you go. And you can come back when and if you're ever ready. Let this be the last letter.


1. I remember when you first got Bender before I'd visited you off that Shelley Road and what a big deal it was to have taken that leap against certain outside objections, and gotten her and entered petdom in all its beautiful and painful glory. I remember meeting Scott just 3 weeks after you two met, and his friend Mike as I helped you move from out of that one Apartment to this new one.... your glassware, receipts, the strange black grit that coated everything. And the moss that hung from the trees in all its southerness. And feeling very clearly like I was your lady in waiting. Already how together you two seemed to be.


Dear sweet Bender. Now with a Bailey. I hope in her last days, her aging, as we are all dying, though she nears it close, be filled with love and peace. And care and patience. This is your first pet. She is and will always be a big deal. And she is beautiful.


2. I feel the same way about Clif Bars. And wish I didn't have so many good things to snack on at my fingertips sans away workplace. Must walk.


3. I watched the end of ProRun on Hu/u. And was like, hmm. Eh. Ok. I have avoided Downton. As the operatic highs and lows, i cannot take. Though I have finally set to watching all of Parks+Rec.


4. I haven't used my credit card in about 10months. Shoes are falling apart. Clothes are being pushed to the edge, but I'm doing it- with my mom's help of course. But trying to live in some very narrow parameters while I move my parents and myself, while I am in this particular space. And it is a newer non-fatalistic, taking for myself, and palms open up to what God might have in this. We shall see.


5. my mom did a listening prayer for you:


I got the same image of a gift to her, white small box with lavender ribbon that is a symbol of her being loved and deserving of good things.




m.

Part VIIII

Listening to Adele. Playing Gears. Drinking iced-tea. Unsweet. Wearing paintclothes for no particular reason but I'm ready dear friend, for the day.

Happy Anniversary.

It's been 9 years of words exchanged over this enchanted device. And in the midst of having friends that make me think why even bother having enemies, I have you, and I wanted to remind you Narnia is real in the midst of pain and elusive gmail archiving problems. Don't cease to believe. It is the one tragic thing I could not bear in this life, and

If encouraging you is one of my sole purposii in life I am happy to do it. Because you my dear one, are priceless.

It's been a few weeks since I heard from you, and though you can't feel it, there is magic humming at your fingertips- that table is a series of molecules moving at a rate we can't perceive- we run our fingers over the smooth and cool of the surface. It seems so ordinary and we look out- the way the wind whips right now through the sky into the tree, trouncing the leaves they twist shudder and unfurl. They bend but don't break. They fly off and out and the tree won't forget them. The way my cat's whiskers arch and twitch as he yawns. The way the light dances through the eye, the way our muscles move into smiles. The breath, deep in a sigh our whole body responds aching for peace. Rest be with us this day. God be faithful. Bring unity to our hearts and bodies. Bring us to wholeness.

Can I understand the miracle of my hands?
To be silent and let it pass without an exclamation?
To leave you there disbelieving in your extraordinary life?
When look how you are and how much God must love you.
My heart beats fast at the thought.

Let me run into the yard and disappear into space.
And I just went to try but the hose needed to be moved and Twist was mewing at me and I picked her up. That green of her eyes staring wide at me and the pincing of her claws as she wonders why the water is disturbing her rest. She mews. She mews. Her fur a midnight with streaking stars. And the morning glory blooming that ostentatious purple mocking me and the weeds taking over the orderly roses. And the warmth of my flipflops against the sun. And I heard no need to fall away up and out and into because I am right here. You haven't far to go. Sit beside me.

I will, always and forever Penelope,
m.


 

lao-tong

i more than disagree- if disagree means "no". what i feel about equating what i've spent the last 5 years of my life doing with a demonic and/or occasionally hoax like farcical practice that is the ouiji board, can be more accurately described as slightly offended with a main course of that hurts my heart. granted you're not out right telling me to fuckoff, and i appreciate the honesty which is why how can i possibly rail- that's where you're at. it's what you're feeling. i mean yes, i would remind you that the words my mom got and prayed for you weren't demonic, or made up or entirely hers, and they seemed at the time to minister to you- but maybe i misunderstood. i mean leave me out of it entirely and I know God will continue to minister and care for you, but it is a way to cultivate a deeper relationship with God, and it's true i have to resist control, but let me just acknowledge the divide it creates, and the disappointment over something that can't be shared and infact in an instant is being rejected. It hurts. Also though it may not seem like it- since i am seen as a usually very forceful person- sharing something like that with you, and trying to open the door to a large part of my life and going so far as to practice it with you was me being vulnerable-- and excited and expectant.

And that's my own balloon, and the air escaping it and whining out. So I have to take responsibility for it. And that's not yours. But as you sit with your anxiety and worry over the unnamed things. I sit with mine as well for you, on your behalf, along with my ownbags on the curb. And that is not just entirely yours.  I see the trapped and fluttering distressed thing. I share it with you because I love and care for you. Our stories are never are own. They reach out beyond us. As they should. They are not for us. We cannot accurately see ourselves anyway. We are all entwined. And that speaks just as much to covenant and community too. A book apparently i am already a chapter behind on.

Currently, unrelated, i managed to make a necklace. I take this as major breakthrough, and I hope tricia likes it. Besides we are being assailed with hot weather. I'm drinking an unpleasant blackberry jasmine tea or some such and i'm going to go watch the end of miss marple's 'a murder announced', and just the other night a giant raccoon snuck in the backdoor to eat the cat food. The nerve. I wonder if he's what's killing our lawn. A giant spreading patch.

Otherwise the bedframe is 1/2 stained. The room is 1/2 done along with everything else everywhere. But it seems like it's getting on. With every hedge i trim, and angel trumpet i manage to plant. Seems like something is happening. The peaches are delicious. And the abandoned bags of grapefruit in my car make it smell really good. And i did almost cry when danica wondered where all my dresses had got to, but i can only assume God has ones that fit me in store for me. Or he doesn't- and i'll have to make do.

Good night dear friend. Goodnight.
m.



 

Mornin',

So i've made some of my first home pressed coffee by Peets. How long do you let it steep normally? The taste is all right. I wouldn't say resplendent- but good if I double the recipe. Like 4 scoops instead of 2. Is that excessive? I can't help it. I have allergies. Thee breathing smelling/taste thing? My eyes are red and I'm snarfing and hacking. Which makes me think I need to eat more honey if that does in fact work. I'm eating an apple and've had an egg and 2 ezekial bread toasts which would be better if there were nuts baked into the bread but anyway. And i'm watching the office- I'm not sure if it needed to be 40minutes long especially since Jim's sacrifice continued throughout the episode to make Pam seem like a selfish deluded hosebeast who had hopefully no one on her side- as it seemed as the episode progressed that there really is NO going back. Even for fictional characters. Am I right? And then when Andy was like... blah blah blah follow your dreams and Jim didn't even catch the correlation? Or was he just putting on a brave face? I do love davidwallace. And oscar and angela and the bit with stanley and phyllis at the end. Nice. I think the heavy actor issue of whether andy would be a success or not was a bit irritating-  especially since he is already "successful"- it would've been much better to have a discourse about inital fame and then what do you do "after"...

Meanwhile it's suppose to be blazing today which i'm not happy about because my body finally adjusted and i'm no longer freezing so that 95 is actually really hot and wilting- yesterday i attempted to do something and i was like ugh no. I do continue to move my parents a few boxes at a time. Progress is being made I have to believe. Though it doesn't really seem like it. Which messes with my productivity meter. But really bit by bit. Here we go on down the lane. Like my dad came over yesterday and was like blah blah LATER. As if the time was not now. Me being back is NOW. I am the ball in motion. Be the ball. Roll. You can do it. You're almost there.

The other day i rounded the corner to my bathroom and i was suddenly struck by my feeling 'old'/er now staunchly in my late 30's. And my drivers appointment made on the 8th (a bit late) so i can take that new picture- the one that hopefully will show a benchmark on the way down the lane. And who really knows what to do with myself. And there's a bump on my chin that was a blemish once and i think officially scarred? And is now a permanent discolored bump which drives me nuts. It's like if i were to make an analogy about Stanley from pro/run finally making it after a 3rd try out and then being so completely off his game that it was disasterous... and patricia and her trees? are you serious? I'm with Nina- wacky, whimsy but cohesion and sophistication- come on. Worst season of pro-run ever. Though i did love that zak guy. I guess I am in the right place to be the person I am. LA.

What else... oh puppy spaying and my cats all have fleas. Which they do and are now medicated on the necks waiting it out. Oh corruptable nature. with its nits, fleas, bedbugs (ambers apt complex), lice and cockroaches and ants and mites and whatever else... you just have to shake your head at. And thank a tidy 1st world order that eradicates such things.

Allright, let me go beeee productive. Or think about being productive? It's hard to say. Maybe i'll just stare at stuff and watch the day go by. Decisions, decisions.

m.


ps. for bruckner i think i'd actually ... hmm i could google image it and guess the address. that might be fun.



 

and then sometimes, too, you're all

encountering ants floating in your tea, attacking the cat food, crawling over-EVERY-THING. Just now on your arm as you try and type. Rude. And having dressed yourself, and cut those short pants to capri length- realizing the outfit is not appropriate for either working in the garden or doing yoga. The only two things you've set out to do today. And the stripped shirt has a hole in it anyway and a couple stains so you might as well junk it but who has the monetary funds to do that? And the pants, they work- they fit great. They were free. It was a gift. It was amazing.

I did edit a document last night for $20. That was nice and unexpected. It took too long. Did I change too much? Did he really like it? How about that ending though? He didn't say it was amazing but it really was, unless it was too  much? Was it too much? It was good though.

But then there's the - am i using too much butter? Am i eating too much healthy ezekial bread with that butter? Too much snacking right? Clearly. Not enough movement. But my foot. The snarfing. And these allergies. The popcorn though, and the fruit, and the hummus and crackers, am i back sliding? I'm not backsliding. What is that anyway. But down the ladder that's where I want to go. Not undo what was done. Because it's amazing. If i make it to october or november this size it'll have been a year. A cause for celebration and downward trending.

But nevermind, the day is partly cloudy. It's ticking by. The dishes can wait. This beating oscillating hemming and hawing, that can wait. Let me go pull weeds. Let me go do just the one thing. Among the blooming buzzing brilliance--- be, beauty, being, best...

m.


ps. I don't even have bruckners address- but if it's the same place its off LFB near Normandie... right oh or was that Franklin before LFB forms. Ok yes, i think that's it, on the left hand side- no right hand, i'm dyslexic--

Grit,

My dear laotong, and maybe this is perhaps where the dragon and the horse speak a different language. It's the Pam question- Why isn't being a mother enough? Now I know this is some sort of existential question, like why isn't being X enough. So I'm not dismissive of you grappling. And let's forgo that, yes you could use the money so that you're not on the razors' edge every month, AND that as a human being you need mental stimulation outside of your 24/7 never stops work as a mom. So let's just not argue those points. I get those. Absolutely. I just don't like these sorts of things tied up into your worth and ultimately your VALUE since I love my friend, I don't like to see her abused in any way, even if it's by herself- especially so. And it's good; you need to have, find those avenues in which to have another facet of your life, but not just so that it's not just (while valid) the relentless pursuit of money, or filling up time.

And as we process aloud, I did the job that most people were like really you? And I was like really me? Granted my job made it sort of a worst case scenario and I was drained 2 hours into the day and still had 3 more to go. And ultimately I do probably need to teach older kids and ones with a creative streak, but that aside- so while I encourage the stretching of borders, and I do think you'd master the kiddos, overall, I get like you, the keyword, exhausted. And the words introverted, sensitive and not brought "alive" by children in general... but your love and your boundaried hands will make you excel in the job regardless. (I do sort of see your sympathy with the kid crying in the corner. Like they're away from their moms too soon sort of thing or a general overwhelmed misplacement. But well on ya, for doing it in the first place! And you would be rife with stories. There's that. And as Bruckner said, we're not getting any younger. Oh he meant me, since I am currently lacking a family and a job. Nevermind.

I'm too busy soaking up my last days, of your aptly named garage sale that is Laos. You gotta hit at the right time and place and it's magic or it's NOT. And while Vietnam had it's fairshare of travel annoyances. I just don't know. Either way memorable ? Tomorrow I leave to Vientiane. The plane has decided there's enough people. Yesterday I actually rented a scooter- so easy on the feet, and went down some dirt roads with Elena to a not really there waterfall. Which getting up to was a bit hard on my foot as it's back to more sore than before, but the local teen set were at the top tier with their bottles of beer lao so we turned back. It was only a few hour outing but daring enough and budget right for me. Though my butt hurts from sitting on it all day. Literally. Can't believe.

What else? Yes, HOME. Yikes. I don't know. The idea of anyone picking me up besides my mom sort of unnerves me. I get so travel cranky. But it will be really lovely to have a friend welcoming party too. But then as you know, the job question looms, and just coming back and fitting back in? Church makes me nervous, like coming back from summer break and finding everything the same but not? I have anxiety over all of that. Just coming back and being adrift. I guess that feeling won't last long. Maybe I'll make a routine of job searching and going to 24f between meeting with friends. Much like my joblessdaysbefore. Down to the - no, I can't afford that. Ok processing, processing. Needing a queen mattress, a whole new wardrobe or a seamstress.

ok friend, godspeed to us both, as we cross the waters.
xo, m.







 

Almost,

There's been a delay in post so I haven't received your last letter, if you've sent it- so i'll tell you of my last days in Udomxai (ooo-dumb-sigh)and my journey to Laung Namtha (long-nam-tah). And even though I'm not touring the landscape since I can't really see it anyway, as I'll never tire of complaining, about the haze, I suppose the most ordinary events become the experience.

Being picked up on by a sheepish and drunk French man, only to be propositioned again by an older French man named Daniel, who as he left, just had to suggest that since we were alone we could enjoy each others company together. I laughed as you know, and waved him away- it's all about approach I guess, and an accent, because in any other context I would've been like, Creep! Even now I think it's a bit outrageous, but nevermind, somehow the disarming was right so that I wasn't aghast to his face, just amused and charmed. Oh the French!

Anyway, the next day I did infact switch hotels, for the better, and a Christian family who live in Laos invited me to come with them and another couple to a waterfall (as the dad saw me hobbling by and asked what happened). The gate was locked into the preserve so we crawled under the fence, and stopped by the small river instead. We played settlers of catan and it was a funny good time playing with people who could be my parents. Though the dad was nervous I was a reporter and then the son, and his anti-LA sentiment came bristling out (with the "your kind of music" comment)- as if he's ever even met a local. I am going to be one of those people as I get older- oh I'm sorry, have you met someone from LA or just a whole bunch of people from somewhere else living in LA. It's totally different. Of course objectively going off with complete strangers, in a car, into a remote forest preserve with a hurt foot and no phone... well there's my risktaking. A benign day by all accounts thankfully, despite the dead mosquitos on my fried khiew. So I stayed on the next day, just so I could hobble to the postoffice and buy an overpriced and terrible coffee drink and get hit on again- obviously.

After that I got up and managed to walk to the bus station- grab a good seat- and met my next travel partner Elena from Ireland. Which gave me someone to widen my eyes with when we stopped in the middle of nowhere on the side of the road to let the small bus cool down- and for the driver to ask us if he could take our waters to put in the engine... um, sure. We went slow, it wouldn't slip into gear, we stopped a few more times, once the guys all got out and pushed us, another guy got a bloody nose by the side of the road and started pushing leaves up into his nostril. I handed him some tissue as the blood was leaking out of the leaves and onto everything as he got back on the bus.

Then after what was suppose to be a beautifully paved road experience of fast travel we limped into town after over 4 hours on the road- oh but no, outside of town, 10kilometeres outside of town! which to varying degrees they do this to you in all of Laos (!^*#&$(*! So that you have to bargain and usually get ripped off by these tuk-tuk drivers (who if they weren't forced into this bizarre middle man position we'd likely pay them more in the long run)- they're like motorbikes with caged wagons attached basically. So we hop off the bus and usually there's some hearty discussion and one guy quoted us a price that was what everyone pays and then another guy comes rushing over and basically ups the price by degrees and soon they're all locked into overcharging us. The maddening thing is it's only for $1 or so. That's the problem. I asked two different people, the coffee shop guy who spoke a little English and I even engaged the bus drivers help- and they all gave me these fucking sheepish grins- and assured me that I was paying the same as Lao people- 10,000.Which is about $1.2 But neither of them would interfere with the mafia. Cowards! Technically with more people the price should drop to 5,000. But the guy with the one eye, mcfuckingshifty wasn't willing to take us into town for less than 20,000 each. Keep in mind our 4 hour bus ride cost 40,000. So you can see the astronomical nature of the price. Since the trip into town took maybe 5 minutes. It was weird and unusual because neither of us would back down and frustrating because Elena was unwilling to walk or to hitchhike- since I didn't want to give them the satisfaction. And I think we were all surprised that we weren't willing to overpay.

The bus driver told us that another bus was coming- in 20minutes (read an hour later) and then they'd take us. So Elena almost caved and having her with me was suddenly extremely annoying since even with my foot I would've hobbled down the road and found my way despite those assholes. And then after another 1/2 hour there were more falang to rip off and we all were on our way. I stared daggers at the ones who knew better and if I see them again I will say shame on you and wag my finger since they knew full well they were being jerks- bcs there's always one guy with a conscience and those are the ones you have to shake your head at. Meanwhile trash is being thrown out of windows into the forests, and onto the sidewalk and at my feet at the bus station, and a guy carrying around a dead raven that his bus had hit, and what was surely going to be dinner. They're just living by a different code out here- As frustrating as it is. What can you do. You take a stand. It's usually over something fucking stupid like a $1. That's what you get for being principled sometimes, and for being too accommodating in others- Because none of it is really OK. But you try to let it be until it's just not.

Elena did get to meet some Irish people which made her happy and I was able to crack a joke saying, we almost broke up over the tuk-tuk drivers, and we'd only just met on the bus. To which they replied, that's one of the fastest relationships in history. We all laughed and met up for dinner. We walked out to see floating lanterns with a warm orange color wafting up into the night like a fairytale, and then I had some amazing papaya salad, and a not watered down fruitshake! And while the woman in the market was trying to overcharge me for bananas and another woman was eating from someone elses plate, and I couldn't help wonder what the crazy womans deal was from the last town- as she ran around as crazy people do, half exposed, and nipping off the heads of plants and wearing eccentric hats, I can't help but think, ok Laos, let's play nice. There's some charm here and there, like the woman carrying her pet cats in a bucket on her back, and the baby puppies and the flowers in bloom. You and I are going to end on fine terms. A generous breakfast, a nice hotel, cost splitting and saving with Elena. 2 or 3 more full days... depending on when the plane goes. And then Home.

Let's all take a nap and meet up for lunch.
My love to you from THIS place,
m.




 

Dear Friend,

Right so where was I?
There was a frenetic amount of activity followed by more activity. Oh and then I woke up realized I'd been bitten by a tick. Mother-cusser. Who the cuss knows where it came from except that it was latched on under my armpit. It still hurts by the way. It was a tiny little cusser too. I ripped it right off and popped it btw my thumb and forefinger. Cusser! Luckily there was not much blood and it was still pretty small. So I can't say how long it'd been there- hopefully not long?

So yes, after that Cath kicked up some good emails to agoda for such a shit recommendation. Although shame for LP too. Well we can't have it all. We can't trace the tick can we? The CA guesthouse which as a chill vibe as its namesake is filled with drama too- cock fighting in the alley, constant stream of gambling in the kitchen, there was a laptop stolen (not sure by who as we came to check cath out), and then a guy suddenly was moving out the next night which seemed to hint a larger story. Also confusion abounded over paying the driver, laundry and the girl forgot to give me my passport- which I remembered THANK THE LORD, 3 blocks later with my now 19kg pack. Cuss! Total border town feeling.

First order of business smoothies. The woman thought I wanted 3. Which is crazy. Since I came not just the day before and did exactly the same thing. This one was not made with as much love as the other one but guava, passionfruit, and mango- so good. and only a $1. Right so then I made Cath take the bus and there was some map discussion about bus#'s with the attendant. Cath said she was impressed with my determination but it seemed a day to be brave. And we made it to a fairtrade shop where I bought some bits which I wish had had more but it was for a good cause. Now when it comes to a two man team I tend to try for constant negotiation of what to do and how- since I don't need to be the one demanding we do x and y unless I really want to try something. But the uncertainty of where and when was a bit much for cath at one point where I was verbally processing about bus, walk or taxi so she chose taxi. It would've been a 2mile walk and we weren't sure what bus so for $3 or whatever it cost- it was worth it. Next we wandered, got lost, as cath said ignored local advice, reoriented ourselves, and found the rather ominous Jade Emperor Pagoda. I started getting a headache and nothing would induce me to cross the inner threshold. But I did sneak a peek at some rather fierce looking guardians from there and around the side. The day sped by to various stops- and I think overall we walked much less then our first day trek which I estimated covered over 6miles in 93+ degree weather. Sometimes the bus SAVES.

The next day I made contact with the persecuted church. At one point I thought she was referencing lost ships... oh lost sheep! Right. To which she then equally assumed I knew nothing about the bible- but I countered that I heard something rather nautical and not pastoral in her accent. What to do! More on all that in a later letter- but suffice to say we had a good meeting, which consumed all of sunday and the beginning of Monday, and then Cath and me had a very low key last night together in Saigon. We went to a Mexican restaurant. Funny enough. And all went well. besides being grumpy at having lost my lovely travel companion. I soldiered on. Settled my bills, having sampled most of the coffees on TrungNguyen's list including Weasel Coffee, and excepting #3 "idea"... I found ultimately that the #4 coffee "Creation" to be better than #5 "Success". Apropos.

I got out of Saigon but barely as I felt it didn't want to let go of me, the passport for instance, the inability of the taxi driver to make change, shrifting me 10,000 (.50c)- you'd think it's nothing but it adds up, and then of course the tragic swiss army knife lost- I've had since '96. Which means it traveled with me through Europe, Ireland, Turkey, Korea, Cen AM, to be finally consumed by Vietnam. I don't know. It's loss makes me irrationally irritable.

And of course I did all this planning for Vietnam and over today and yesterday have had to rapidly orient myself to Laos. And remind myself I need to adjust as much as I've been plowing through change after change- each country still has a how it's done curve + language, money exchange and hotels and am keeping my eye on the diminishing money vault since I still need to tickethomeit. Which makes me also cranky vacillating between wanting to give up and go home right now to excited and wanting to trek through the jungle. Each experience making me manic in my judgments and attitudes. The hotel, boo. Vietnam was better. The street crepe made with onion, egg and pepper- amazing! I'll stay. The croissant this morning dismal! I want to be back in Saigon. Though since, the pho and the perfect latte are trying to make up for it. I hope to try and go swimming, and tomorrow cycle through town and figure out the next step. That or just calm down and blow away some days. I'm only spending $10 (80,000) each night on the guesthouse now I've moved. and the pho was maybe a $1.5 (15,000). So I'm going to be optimistic that my money will stretch a bit more. I hope?
Whatever. Now i'm rambling. Also I realize I havent' really been describing places well- or have I or just recently. Can you ask me some questions Pen?

Love you from over here,
xo,
M.
ps. how's the bells?


 

#32 The WALL

dear old-same,

I'm not sure how you could think i wouldn't have googled footbinding. Though even in looking at it- i still find it inconcievable and horrifying... The book ends with her laotong dying in a messy ugly cancerous way and she must repent of all the ways in which she misunderstood the friendship and her friend- though i was surprised at how little insight snowflower had to the things Lily said to her- but perhaps that's the problem with two horses matched together. I don't know. One is tame and safe, the other is wild and chained. They both speak the same language and yet how did they fail to look beyond the words of one another. It's hard sometimes to look beyond them i know. Oh context.

Anyway, i know i'd be perfect laying hands on people but that's because i've been at it for a while now- i'd encourage you to not disavow what is a, stepping int-o spiritual authority- but perhaps just a step back with a, God what is that? And how does one? It really is just a blessing. And i think you're going to find a way to do it eventually with a confidence of knowing that God speaks and you listen and from your heart knowing what the people need, even if it's just what you need- they all sit there with the same tenderness. And I know you are attentive.

Here on the island, I have to endure what is my last pointless staff meeting. Though trying not to resent having to go to work 1/2 hour early. I'm just glad i didn't repress it from my consciousness...

[insert here: i have my first ever successful coffeeshop skype session and boy was it a whopper. my poor friend matt! details later. i mean i seriously thought he was making it up when he was like oh, i can't write it down. he was not being overly dramatic. aka hyperbolic.]

Meanwhile my flatmate V was late to the meeting. And she couldve had the courtesy to text R and me to let us know so we could fuckaround more instead of working a 1/2 hour longer. I was pissed actually but it's my last meeting. And the usual tension of soul sucking children and good moments apply for what was a typical wednesday.

I was going to relate the weekend. But it was one of those - we pushed it maybe, did a little too much. We did praise our ability to travel well together and after some really superb coffee and my innisfree boon and the hair touchups we negotiated and decided on bbq duck for dinner. So it wasn't all bad. I just had that overspent feeling both financially and emotionally. Sjt is convinced we'll meet up for 10minutes in the airport before I leave forever and she'll be coming back from thailand to say a real goodbye, so she was MIA most of the time, and was like ive seen you for 2wks straight. Yes, yes. I KNOW. By sunday we were dragging down and after a different than normal goodbye lunch which was offkilter and weird because we were all OFF, we went to have some more excellent coffee and in a twist we played clue. I won. I'm really good at it. I should've been a detective. That and i'm equally good at deception so...  And then we closed the night with baked chicken and the movie clue. Check that off my list! and then i came dragging into monday and thankgodtomorrow is friday!

But lets talk about my innisfree boon. NO its ok we don't have to. But really it's been such a fun thing on the island thanks to matt and a couple friends. V-VIP forever. I used up all my points and i'm shipping some of their awesomeness homeward. Hope it all fits.

Anyway tonight coffee with meaghan at pangs. I have to remember today is Thursday. It is not Friday. No. We have to get through today first. And no it's not mentally healthy to take down your curtains and undo your pillows and photos and trinkets until next week at least. Meanwhile fighting the itch. Even if the suitcase is staring at you and the question looms if everything will fit and do you really have to break up with your coat? It pains you to leave it behind and yet your smaller now- and your waiting for the last allergy test and debating one last visit to the chiro- what are the last things? I dont know. Perhaps it's too much.

m-

old-same, Together, we are better.
let us both rest a while,
and then return to the hill,
on which the shade tree waits.  

m-qa.

 

#20

Location: Yoger
Day: Thursday
Time: 11isham
Countdown: 52 days /30 something work days (curmudgeon gave me another way to calculate. love)

Yours: That happened to me too. They were virulent. I recall they thought the standard stuff would do but we needed the doctor strength finally. Ugh. It's so unpleasant. It does remind you/one/ of how "civilized" we are and what would happen if we didn't like to be civilized so much. I guess shows like revolution won't address the lice and other diseases issues? Like bedbugs at wayfaring places and all the dirty peasants having lice... i don't know what else? Though I'm sure that leather jacket which seems to be trending right now (similar to what that girls wearing in Once)... could be made by some awesome leathersmith for shite loads of money. It would be their chance to really laud the art of the craft guilds. But i'm sure that's not their focus. And how in a preindustrial age art can again begin to flourish anew. And no one would be talking about the death of theatre perpetually. (which has been going on since the 60's at least).

And the dream about the dog- really truly. They were laughing as dogs can and all playing together outside the house on the street. Get inside I said!

Sidenote- weather. Something more or less pleasant depending. It's rain/snowing right now. It's nice. I like the smell of snow on the air. I didn't bring my umbrella though, but it could be worse- it could be windstorming also. And it's not. So smal blessings I suppose. Last night Vivian [3rd flatmate] again asked the driver to give us a ride, and he gave us one right to our door. It rocked. Makes me love vivian in all her artsy awesome korean speaking ways and not going along with the crazy. Shes a bit subversive but not on purpose. I can't tell if she'd be the one likely to get killed because she's so blaise or inspiring and then kiiiik. Also new FT, james. Looking pale and english. Which he is. He apparently came from a harder more crazy hagwon so this one should be cake. But V coming in reminds me, like how easy would it have been in all those times for the bus to extend us that kindness late at night? And how sg never did. Never has bothered. I didn't think it was an option. and it probably isn't since sg would find some way to make it not ok. It saves me a dollar. Also since i'm completely out of dollars that would help.

The budget thing blown out of the water- not that it's all bad. I really did need that massuese to work out that shoulder knot that was threatening to pull my neck down along with it. But she in a stupid assumption charged me for both my and my friend sara's massage and i handed over the bank/cash card not thinking of why my other card wasn't working. And then there was the hair- the watercolor I had to have- right then. Like I'd been waiting for it the entire time. And the hair is such a subtle mystery that i can't fully appreciate or even see! It's really for other people to be surprised by. Which makes me love it and annoyed with it at the same time. And it's a bit melancholy and lovely. Also as i plan my trip- locking in things delightfully which i love and filling up the schedule bit by bit (and having to put everything on the card since i wont be able to paymyselfback unit feb- brings me to halong bay which i think i'm suppose to go to but seriously boats- make-me-nauseous- and it's all about a cruise and a night stay blah something on the boat. Oh and then everytime i'm like lets go here and there- i have to remind myself- travel makes you SICK. it really does. I like how i have to argue at myself like i'm arguing with a travel agent. I must be. It's ridiculous. I'm making cath bring me dramamine for our mekong delta tour- two nights on a boat!- ugh! the things i do for friends. I mean its necessary to really "see" the area... and she insists the movement wont be anything- but i got nauseous leaning on a windsurfing board in the middle of a bay with NO wind!

Oh and msytery speaking of- I've had two people pray about going to vietnam and they both get Volcano imagery... amidst confirmation of should be going but then there's that eruption... so be careful... and i'm like whhhhhhat. 2 people! i mention it here so if at any point on my trip something dramatic happens- you'll be able to just point to this and say- well it was foretold. Also let me go out on a limb and i think it's suppose to happen sometime in the middle of the country- around the time i'm at the farmstay by these caves or on the way to hoi an before tet. Like the tail of the dragon leaving and the year of the snake being ushered in. So. Just so we're all on the same page with having aweseome and foreboding at the same time. Do you want the actual emails in a follow up post so we can refer to later?

Allright- i guess i should go. I even said, no to planning, and yes to blogging. Go me!

And you, tell me of your world across the continents and seas.
M-




 

#8

ok i love pro run-allstars. but of course peach it's like you know- anyway. It’s like why?
and what else. and that first challenge was just heinous i felt.

this weekend was good. slightly restless, the kind of days that remind me it's good to rest but then also remind me that i have nothing to do here. And regret not bringing my jewelry supplies. Whatever!Self. Get over it. And if I come back then I think well? And then?

And i don’t know I’m a little freaked out by 2004 us. Like who are they?! Though you do look really cute... I’m not so sure of me, flashbacking on the hideous uniform and of course will always remember our kiefer encounter. OMG. I felt like such an asshole. And I didn’t mean it that way.

Today, someone asked if i thought teaching was a profession i liked and i still STILL can’t make up my mind. It doesn’t inspire me. It’s something I can do. But what flew out of my mouth after the uhhh, was, let’s be honest, i don’t want to work. (In the professional sense and then) I want to be a wife and a mom. I keep stopping there. And then i doubt that it flew out of my mouth, because it seems made up and maybe i'm just being counter-cultural. And i think about it for like an hour afterward. I mean i would settle for not working at all. I guess? And then? And so? And i add in the tag about the artist part- but it’s like i don’t want it enough. As we’ve brought up before I don’t feel any ambition brewing. Still. And motherhood shouldn’t really be an answer to that. And then going through life with this attitude leaves me thinking i really will be an expat on some island somewhere fucking around for the rest of my life... but more like I’m skipping out on debt and I’ve changed my identity. I feel slightly pathetic? And ok, nervous. Not trusting. I’m sure God has something more interesting planned. Right? Like even at the end of office space that guy found some peace and he was all, fuckin’ A. And it all ended ok. If I can go to Vietnam with Jesus I can certainly find the rest of the way with Him also. I just need to remember that. I live in a different world and a different place that won’t be conformed to anybody or anything even if i really want it to.

Anyway i'm going to go sit in somehotwater and zone out somemore and then watch some tv or listen to that audiobook that cath put on DB. Tomorrow... work. Maybe i'll go for a hike up the oerum or I dont know. My next question is about getting a wardrobe handmade for me in vietnam and if i should wait to buy underwear of buy it now when i have a job. So far that's the sort of list i have going.

m.
　

　
　
　

#3

I woke up this morning and my lipcracked! I can't imagine what's going to happen when i go back to LA or am i like really dehydrated? I guess that's probably it. I know that's why cuticles split. I was going to stay in the apt and write this but no, i'm at yoger listening to kpop with an iced latte. It's a glorious fall day. Crisp, warm, non-melancholic which is nice. Which I need. Work- so tired at it the last two days. Haven't recovered from the non-stop volleyballing. Oh and K's last day is on 31, not friday. Which got me thinking about my contract. They were going to try and shrift me out of a day- which i get since it's technically vacation. But i was like hey wait a minute. Of course now it looks like K was trying to manipulate the situation to get me to demand my rights- but that's what conspiracy theorists think- whereas i was actually going wait a second? So if my out date is the 31st- count back 5 days then i leave the 24th? But whatever. And by luck i didn't answer/hear the phone when sg called so now i have her pondering the outdate in writing. Which is great. And neither of us actually have official copies of my contract. So there's that. Man this latte is beyond delicious today. (surpressing latent frustration, anger at sg and wanting her badly to be different. I don't pray for her enough [at all] and i should.). Anyway- latte. Grassy. Earth. Awesomeness. I still cant drink it without sugar but i'm finding the depth of taste people always said there was. I was hoping to break the habit a bit in vietnam- but hello good coffee! here i come. And pondering getting hand made clothes in hoi an, and wondering how seriously stranded/expensive/will i be/ for the tet festival. Goodbye dragon. Hello snake.

I went to the postoffice, speaking of- got your postcard. Hi-lars. As Megs was oft fond of saying. Along with adorbs. Both grating and yet, lyrical? So i find it slipping out of my mental bag not unlike totes. You know. Totes adorbs.  Cringe. Speaking of- I voted. Go me. Overseas. That's awfully proactive of me. I mean really- above and beyond. It has led to spiraling meditations about patriotism and how one gains or loses pride in ones country. I mean if i had seen the shuttle endeavor in person i might've cried. I might secretly yearn to have a president that makes me proud to be an american- not unlike that scene in drop dead gorgeous. There's something to it- that need- why shouldn't we be. And why does inging the national anthem make me teary eyed?

What else- oh yes, mere chrisitianity. Hello, yes and of COURSE. That was the book cath and i were going to read together before i left. I think? I'm pretty sure. Anyway. And i feel i'd recommended to you before. I really liked it. I found (though it's been a long while) his arguments really compelling.

Besides, that--- vietnam. Tick.Tick.Tick. In a brief chat with my father- he said, so when are you coming home. I said, March I think? Which prompted him to threaten to move all mystuff to the new house because of course by THEN the new house would be completely done and the old house would be in renovation and that room (with all my things I carefully moved into there) has become some sort of 'well if you don't love us enough to come home soon you must not care and therefore i will do X' implication. It's really annoying. With a dash of almost barely endearing. Also we never hug in person or touch at all really but in signing off he gave me the hug emoticon back so i was like sure, hug emoticon back to you padre. It was funny.

Also padres- which reminds me of spanish which reminds me mexico and day of the dead celebrations, which reminds me of trying to explain Lent, Easter and Christianity to my highest level class- which are just barely high level in their learning english- it was awesome. I had kris come in and translate - wait did i tell you this? It was pretty epic. She didn't understand why it was Good Friday either if Jesus dies that day and I said because we get to live Kris- the curse is broken, at which point she threw up her hands and left. Love. And at least one of my students drew the connection of how i was talking and went oh, are you a christian too like Kris? And i said, yes. What else. Ok. I go I go. (I also apologize for not conveying my broken english talking to you enough when talking to my students and how it really does help to get me through when their eyes light up when they see me.)

xo, M...

When we were,

young.

We understood the value of detail like acorns or gumballs dropping on tin roofs. Magical. As the detail now goes out beyond us, to a memory of that one time on that one particular day in an approaching fall.We saw things and we communicated them with a breadth that would shock us now of what it was to describe the infuriating nature of salt build up on windows and how mildew almost destroyed a fragile pile of memories that rose up in conflicting bites of savory and sweet and bitter. I just found some on my bowling shoes. Not sure what to do about it. At least we did all that work before hand and the roots while sometimes i think they must be shallow are actually really deep. Not that our friendship is dying off, but that it's spread beyond is such a lovely thing. A canopy. A network I wish would outlive us. Is that my sole reason to want kids? Maybe.

But long distance is hard right? Let's get back to that. We seem close. Maybe just nextdoor away. But that's only because I can picture what you're putting on your eggs right now as i cook mine. We spent a couple years perfecting Chi-NC, We spent even more years managing NC to LA- for better and worse and less blogging and now KOR. what do we have if we don't have letters? or emails? or postcards? Especially if the details are lost. If we don't push ourselves to share them... because that's when we see the fragility and the strain and the sudden forgetfulness of really important things. Not just vacations, but shifts, across continents of what shapes us.  Of course we won't let that happen. I'm too neurotic. You're too sensitive. But we can see how suddenly our knowing of one another can in an instant cease to be.

But revisiting always brings about discovery and familiarity. And I love that. Anyway, you'll be spared from more meandering philisophic since i'm itching to just sit and stare into space and perhaps write a postcard or two as i nurse the last of my large iced latte in the atmosphere of the idyllic inbetween of approaching fall and reminents of summer as a Kpop soundtrack plays over head and the wind rustles a plant that looks like it is either dying from lack of water or is still traumatized from typhoon sanba. (Matt says he survived a typhoon but he was really only out and about in a tropical depression... I hope this lovely weather lasts through his coming too. Yesterday morning his mom emailed me and asked if i'd heard from him and i hadn't in the last week. I wasn't too worried but I was prepared to do some calling if I had to but he surfaced not 6minutes before I came home to check on his itinerary. Ah international traveling.)

And me, this sunday will mark my official 9months/36wks out. 19wks/4 months left.
I am wearing an emily shirt (an eddie bauer red and white pinstriped cotton longsleeved thing and black workout pants- luckily with working elastic) and flipflops. my toenails are hot pink. and i'm wearing my grandfathers wedding ring on my right hand. The layering in my hair is growing out pretty fantastically and i'm determined to do (unrelated to hair) more ab exercises to help strengthen my lower back... and volleyball this weekend... and who knows what else. good food i hope. and sitting by the shore.

Sending my love in your direction,
xo
m.

Behind the Times

new typhoon - aka "super typhoon sanba". following the same path as the last two. of course R and I are both like YES because it's maybe hitting monday. of course we should have more sense. but we don't. i don't. i mean it has the word super  in the name now. yikes. somehow, it does manage to inspire in my calloused self a certain amount oh shit, this is serious. not sure why. like supernova maybe? or out of control monster?megasupersomething... for some reason that does it. will have to ponder more. and of course my flatmate- soon to be exflatmate had to chime in that it's going to be downgraded to a two by the time it hits us. so there we have it. supermegadeathsomething no more.

so what's been going on since i was last on the scene... uh, hum...
bell choir? really?
hmm. ok. i mean, really? as the koreans say, chin-cha?!

it's like i can picture it and part of me wants to mock it but then i think of that scene from the new girl and i'm like well it is cool. and a good nonverbal activity of communal happenstancing so... i'd totally come see you play too and everything. i might snicker because of the obscurity and quaintness and all but then i'd be all yah man, it's deep andmeditativeandjoyfulandsomejunk.

what else... just yesterday cath asked me what was going on at work and i was like eh, not much. then went on to list all the changes that are my making the shoulders get way to friendly with my neck. which has by the way lost almost an inch- so that includes, threats to give my two oldest classes to the new teacher. granted they're more energetic/handful/monsters depending on the day, and it's a HE, only titillating possibility of being husband material for one of the 4 single women left at work. 3 of us over 36. and his coming in 2 wks maybe? if the paperwork works out and right he's going to be living above me soon, feeling like i'm going to be fired, eating in the hallway sans protection of bookshelf- must photograph... i think i blocked out more but i know that they told the office admin that M quit. not.  and i stress breathe everyday that i'm there- you know that deep inhale and quick exhale like you'd forgotten what it was like to be calm. it's possible i'd be doing this no matter where i was but meh. maybe not.

oh man i just got distracted... total coping mechanism and now i have to go to bed... here's a couple lovely emails:

보낸사람: M>
받는사람 : <doctor>
날짜: 2012년 9월 07일 금요일, 10시 41분 23초 +0900
제목: RE:

I will try to reduce stress and enjoy the life God has put before me. So hard sometimes. Thank you for the kind email. It made me smile. May God guide your hands and your heart today. m- mendacious ------ Dear M. Thank you for your prayer. I hope our words and works could be prayer to God. For reducing emotional stress, opening the mouth could be help. Using the method of closing the mouth is not suitable one, such as thinking and thinking, reading a book, listening the music, eating food stuff, sleeping.. That methods makes emotional stress hiding inside more deeply. How about this ways? Exercise (we have to open our mouth as we need deep breath), shouting (do not let people stand in front of us), singing (do not need to be a good singer) deep breathing (inhale through nose and exhale through mouth).. There is no coincidence as the Lord is ruling over this world.. May God shine your every steps. Steward Kim.

 so basically he's recommending noraebang (karaoke), primal screaming, and yoga? and i love also that reading, sleeping, eating and thinking make stress hide more deeply! must get to singing place asap. must also find standards i can sing asap... hum. anyway... i know it's not going to relieve stress but sleep is needed and a hot shower... the typhoon and my fried chicken craving are going to have to wait.

m.
 

large kopi latte

so we almost made it a month. i mean that 31st part is really irrelevant right anyway? you went camping. my flatmate broke her face. so we were distracted. it's the last days of summer. you got rained on. i spent it in the hospital. oh and today they decided to go ahead and fire her. so who doesn't want to be in the hospital - in the stroke ward- strangely... surrounded by old people in precarious health (literally dying around you, just yesterday), without family, with your jaw wired shut so you can only mumble and eat shit thru straws where you don't speak/sort of understand the language and then be told you dont have a job to come back to and that you have to find a new one to a. keep that all important insurance and b. stay in the country and c. pay bills. but whatever. oh and trying to find a job and talk to recruiters and employers is so easy when you're not able to speak. any-way.

what else.

i'm in yoger having now switched to large lattes. (despite the need to cutdowndairy).. i was going to fix up her apt for when she got back and now i'm like uh no. i just don't even know how to protect the next teacher coming in. it's a vicious cycle. and that atmosphere that was smoothing over? even now that we've been put into a hallway for a lunchroom? yah. sure. great. oh man. i was going to go on about other things. but well what to do. i am down to a size 16 from a 24. and that allergy to stress might be true as the other M texted me about the 30days notice she got and my chest started getting all itchy.

speaking of- i love that i keep running into christians. my doctor just sent me this:

Dear M.
It's a beutiful day and nice to see you again.
I am pleased to let you the last result.
The allergen test for cacao showed negative, that is no antibody against cacao.
 I'd like to recommend that you make your immune system healthy through regular excercise and proper healthy diet. Moreover, eliminating emotional stress..
It will help you..

God bless you.
 From S.Kim.
(Halla hospital)

May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ,
and the love of God,
and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit
be with you all

Amen right? The other day Danica said she saw me on a meathook. Waiting. And only God can let me off of it. One of the verses that struck me that she sent was "Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD."... It's that whose trust IS the Lord. Like He Himself is trust. Embodies it. Is it. So to need trust, and to seek- is to seek the Lord himself. And i like that. It's not something I lack. Aw, you just blogged. Hi you. from the future.

xo, m.

Typhoon Balven? is coming or somesuch?

Humidity at 100%. Everyones a bit grumbly but i dont mind the rain quite yet as we has a pretty dry summer by all accounts. I really do enjoy the new names that typhoons bring.(khanun for instance) I never was at all impressed by the US hurricane names. The russian curmudgeon thinks going through two of them is enough. And i wasn't particularly impressed with the first. A downpour yesterday left a good water spray puddle on my floor and a small moat in my double window sills...

I knew there was something more i had to say as i was about to pass out from boring myself- I tested negative for the 6 other allergans- like the things i eat everyday sort of thing. Besides chocolate which will come back soon? Or something? Anyway weeeee. Also i still have a higher level of whatever present which indicates something is still undectected. My rather ambivilant doctor stated that it "could be anything" and suggested that I just try and spend my time taking care of myself and relaxing. I can't fault that assessment. He says, life as a foreign teacher is very stressful- and intimated that i might be allergic to stress. I like it. Further "research" is required but the couple articles i've read  seem to suggest that stress can heighten allergic responses and prompt sensitive areas like sinuses and the skin to an allergic response- like hives, blocked airways, and excema- which i all occasionally have... so there you have it. Of course i could really be allergic to air or something but let that go. I'm not going to keep spending money on them not fully testing me for stuff. I already feel a bit like- ach, to that $80 i just spent on top of the $60 because of course it didn't find anything. Finding out i was allergic to pork and cockroaches..pretty priceless right? And though i need a chiro i'll probably wait until the states for one too. And do yoga like a goodgirl should? I dont know somebody remind me. The nerves still pinched and the neck feels like its about to go on strike. What do you mean that's all indicative of stress... hunched shoulders and the what knots.

NEXT.

What else. I'm reading that book on Corrie TenBoom. She's pretty frickin' amazing and pretty inline with what i'm discovering here. How much life is about Jesus and Jesus alone- LOVE. How to love through, because of... and all the rest. Though i don't really want to be at home with God anywhere at the moment. I'm usually all for that but right now... not so much.

Other than that i really should begin to plan the wheres and hows of going to SEA in Feb. Seeing you. Jobs? I mean at this rate though I wonder if i'll get my head in the right order to do any of that. I hope so. I'm sure I will but i'm too busy blogging, eating fruit, drinking lattes and working. And then there's all that relaxing i have to do.

You feel better you. And take care of yourself. Lots of the laughing and chocolate and the goodthings for you my friend.

All my love,
xo- M.
(here it comes, here it comes, look how it rains. it sounds over the radio and the repeat of csi. it says, i am all around you. i encompass. )
 

it's an undercurrent.

That's the feeling i get. It's always there. You just lose bouyancy and it catches you and you're swept up by it. To me there's a sense that there's some judgment that pulls you under, maybe some lack of worth of feeling you deserve to drown. I don't know. Is this too much for this august blog? Randomly, unrelated i had a dream my dad was withdrawing a large sum of money from an atm and then was followed back to the house and robbed. The young black guy was apologetic but still was going to do it. And so i emailed mom and she's like your father is going to the atm on monday to pay the electrician.

I know right?

Anyway, back to the pondering. I'm with you about the tension we live in- that potential vs. kinetic energy. And I think we must have both. We should float to rest after go go go but then we turn to self condemning? I hope for that balance in the next job. It feels good to work hard but for me is it the labor that satisfies, should it? Or is it just work? To me this is tied to very finely but not directly related to the swings we're talking about- which i think don't have to be so high and low. You're not letting go of something. Is there something down there in the current you're trying to hold on to? Discover? Or are you trying to bury it before your pulled further down stream? Staying down longer than you should?

I get what you mean about having both but it's like in that sense why would you want to play with the poisonous snake just to prove that it exists and is dangerous ... is more like a person who thinks they'll never be rid of the snake so they think they owe it some familiarity so as to come to terms with it? Which maybe we won't- to some degree be ever rid of it... But i think there is a further freedom to seek. And that i see the dark as that active agent very deliberately trying to extinguish your light. I think yes, those battle are inevitable- but not so long or hard or lifelasting maybe... there's some defense in the wall that's been breached, a wound that needs to be guarded and healed up- is how i would see it, and you need to bring stones, barriers and such to guard it so that the bridge isn't underminded. In the last folletnovel they talked about how the spacing btw the bridge points had to be wide apart so the current would be slower/the more narrow the stronger and more corrosive the current, and then in order to help the problem, the pile of rocks had to be around the pilings otherwise the current would undermine them at the bases even if it was moving slowly... which is what happened in the book of course and why the bridge, even the 2nd stone one almost collapsed. Bcs they just drove the pillars down and didn't put the loose rocks around the base because it seemed pointless but it totally wasn't. And though we can't see them they were important to the strutuctural integrity of what's seen on top. So my fish friend there is something to that NOT weak thought- it's what God calls us to... we were not meant to dwell in the dark or entertain it... and we know the light isn't effervescent bubbles- that's not quite what we mean...but you know. I had a dream about you too- the same night as my dads. We were in a house i often dream about in a room. I didn't tell you what was in the room, but it was something i had wanted you to see or notice. It wasn't a good thing... it reminded me of our ghostwalk... you and i. and the knowing and the seeing of things. and the choices we make.

Ok i'm going to go swimming and come back.
Also i'm eating a vitamin water popsicle... it's ok but not nearly as satisfying as the oj.

The swimming was an effort to make my mornings feel more expansive. I think they do a bit. And i said i'd avoid the coffee shop today but mwah... will i?

Sorry for the dramatic tone shift. I should go. I missed the 1020 bus and now... i have a feeling the next ones not coming for 20minutes ... but do i know that for sure? No.

Wait, (is it me God or all You?)

Ok at long last. My inquiring minds friend. Not that other people aren't inquiring like my cousin and various other people brazen to ask about it on facebook via 'message'. Discreet then. Yes. I suppose my reticence to not post a daily update on every lb lost (shouting rooftop type thing though i think it would be fairly worthy) is my 'hey i'm me, and comfortable with me no matter what even though i do want to be thinner but lets not get vain or obsessed about this mortal time slaved body that is disintegrating before our eyes. Because really i loved me when i was like 70+lbs heavier and still saw myself as beautiful. And am i really even trying? NO. And still on occasion sabotage myself with over-eating and gross fastfood. (which i do generally abhor despite its delicious addictive properties)

There is the larger sense of coming into the mental picture of me that you mention. And that's when I get excited. That i can enjoy this a bit on earth before my full heavenly redemption of a taller, equally breasted woman, with no crowns on her teeth but on her head sort of thing. And equally how i get used to my body, surprised by it, used to it again. I think wow, it is making such a difference, more than i can see. Since others most definitely do see it as they glance at my face and notice such change. I notice how i can more completely enter into yoga moves and that's very cool (liberation). I am lithe-r? and more energetic when i play volleyball from when i played in may to again in july. True to my predictions my knees are hurting less though that compressed nerve in my lower back can @(*#&!!! And it's getting worse not better. Whatever.

So what else. What am i doing. I guess that's the common question? and where i'm almost a little bit more ho hum, lets not look at it too closely or it might get scared and runaway sort of thing? Not that people are asking that... but maybe its that self-reflective question of if i lose my weigh, how do i get back here to this glorious 5-10lbs down every month without trying sort of thing? Also i've never been here before? So there's a disbelief and a novelty about the whole thing that i dont think i'll fully allow myself to relish in UNTIL i a. get to some sort of "stopping place?" and b. can sustain this weight loss for more than 1year+. And i think wow it was a long road to get here... years of eating more and more healthy by degrees- less dairy, less processed food, less portion size, working out, frustration, food allergies, no wheat, losing weight on a trip, fasting (aka food losing its vice grip on me- my bloodsugar levels, my need and fear of needing protein constantly, which i count to be the most relevant, important? turning point?). Maybe my body needed a complete reboot of epic proportions to understand how much it was really freed from? Because i've never been this thin. And this isn't even "that" thin. If thin is a thing and it is.

Because I'm still a bit confused as to what i was failing to do at home and doing right here inadvertently. The major things are these:

-I walk a mile everyday, not even in one go- 10min up the hill to work, 10 min back down (that's it besides maybe every other week yoga, once every couple months volleyball, to a once a month hike or longer walk or very short swim... so you can see why i'm like really 1mile a day is making that much a difference? I guess? Yes. Because i'd say i'm less active here than i was in chi or la?)

-I don't eat baked goods or much gluten free stuff at all. (so no 'indulgence' food. that has to be major. i do flip out and eat icecream maybe once a month or have these coffeeshake things to go, but otherwise, besides lattes? and chocolate? no...)

-I eat way less meat. Definitely has to be a major factor and by association less fat. And even less dairy. The koreans are probably right about that one. People who are large here are said to "like meat" where as the more thin prefer rice or vegetables or speed...

-My portion sizes are way smaller then even in LA (which i dont mean to do on purpose but im not that hungry as i was) and besides fruit i dont really snack outside of the 3 meals? The two times i've noticed less than a 6 lbs weight loss is when i was super stressed and eating mcd's like 2x a week which when i was losing 10lbs a month i was still doing but just once a week... and the everysooften pringles binges. I think my lunch portions should be bigger anyway but work is making that really impossible so breakfast is eggs/potatos, latte, yogurt/fruit/nuts or other, dinner (protein/vege/rice?) and sometimes night snack of fruit, pringles, etc. Weekends i eat more extravagantly? Oh and not eating pork here helps since apparently i'm allergic to it?! So i guess eggs and sausage/eggs and bacon was not uh? condusive?

So it all adds up i guess. I was at about 275/280 and hovering upwards as i got more stressed about coming here. Prior to that I had maintained that weight for a good while. And now every month i'm down half a size. Inexplicable. Obvious. All at once. Dream come true. Let's hope it lasts? Back and forth. More to go. A lot already gone... etc.

Here i am at about 220/222ish. Or as i said before 100kg-101.5kg. Anyway this has to be the most dispassionate recounting of something epic ever. I apologize. I suppose I am that internally wary of it that I can't even articulate how fuckingRADitis! It's that not wanting to be let down or disappointed. And that new goal of well, i have at least 40+lbs to go if i were in fact going somewhere. Which i guess i am? Let's not talk about it or breathe about it or it might go away. Too much a slave to temporal reality opposed to the eternal work being done in me which is really where i am deeply in gratitude to God for bringing me to this place, setting me free, going with me down the road, and finding that otherside of myself i always knew was there, and that i didn't believe i would ever see in this life. Hopefully when this is all over i can be less dispassionate about it and more like- in your face fat! go FUCK! yourself and the evil place you came from! But for now, i'm all - head nod , and um yah, cool.

CRAZY.
m.

i,

left work pretty quick. it's almost like, if there were a fire what would you take scenario. and i 1/2 the time am always looking for a taxi as a game maybe so i can get thefuckhomeasfastasfuckingpossible. obviously. i did just budget for the month sort of. and really money for taxis and during the week purchases is pretty nil. and yet. i come home to ridiculously low energy bills- at least these next 3 until july and august bring me back down to my knees. but i digress. i manage to walk down the hill which my flatmate sarcastically says, "the slope" you mean. and in my head i'm all goFyourself. but i dont have any patience after work and that was another day. anyway i just missed the early bus. he barely stopped and then wouldn't even look my way. so annoying. and another bus driver was like come on we can catch him with a gesture but i was so pouty i was like ach NO. be on your way 26. and i caught a taxi. and we caught the 100 bus. it only cost me $1.50 more but still. I came back to the family mart oppa telling me a swallow had just shat on his head, to which i looked up on the wire and there the offending bird was. Pretty< Ithought. I said<goodluck! But i couldn't be sure it was translating as i felt the exchange was probably too complex for us to broach. As it includes fate, timing, synchronicity, irony, a certain sense of insult, and chagrin, ... what else?

anyway i left him, picked a hyranga that is gorgeously blooming near my twitchy finger tips and went up. for the cat- again- to go crazy with the smell of something? and yet be absolutely uninterested in anything i offer. after that i saw my $10. (epically low) bill. stabbed at a frozen beverage until it was like eating a snowcone and finished a miss marple mystery. i was going to watch bun/heads but im writing to you instead. (saint!)

besides that i avoided a meltdown- seriously i was i dont know- in denial or? but my computer was like "shut me down immediately or else" why!? "oh because i sensed my cooling system is malfunctioning!" well- whatever! thank god my phone is all wi-fi-ish so i checked my email because i had to wake up first except there was like barely anything in there, along with toshiba-overheating blah blah-. AND i was rewarded by getting a seriously righteous gift basket from cath with new shirts. seriously dont' deserve you guys. (family mart was holding it hostage.) they pointed to the shelf it was on and was like- for days! blah blah! i mean i swear i go in more often than that but whatever. eeee! packages! and then horror- no compressed air.

i took my mighty lungs and did some uh blowin' and thank god after a bit it worked.
ok you're online i see.
i will chat you there.
though still- a letter WOULD BE NICE. (Hint HINT).
M.

On over,

i feel i'm failing to relate this whole K experience. somehow i was reminded of this when i noted my stapler was labeled peace. it's on the top part in a standard cursive script. non assuming and almost as if it was accidentally labeled something it didn't mean to be. i look at it and ponder the implications all the time along with a 'prayer of abandoment' j sent me. which is how it feels when i enter the cave that is work everyday anyway. as today i was asked to try and conserve the a/c... *sigh. "try" she says. what else? i turned my tiny inadequate breadboard into a laptop laptop? is that the word. i'm putting elastic into two skirts. for obvious reasons which really- ever in the history of pen and m blogland. and i bought 10 nickle sized wooden buttons while tracking down the elastic. and they are charming. not sure what other fixes there are out there for my other items- i just dont know if i can elastize everything--  the students noticed i wasn't wearing stockings the other day which is yet another you know, daring thing i do... i won't expose my shoulders if i must but the leg thing- i just don't know. most of my skirts are long enough it doesn't draw attention as curious students brush their fingers against my legs is a bit distracting and i think- did i shave! i have managed to impress them with my blue glitter on plum colored nail polish. oh and i still haven't kicked the laryngitis thing. which 3+wks going is clearly awesome. who doesn't love the hurting when swallowing by the end of the day. i did notice at least the hacking cough has stopped. so. plus.

oh and my ward is in heat- again- shocking. the 3 nights of interrupted sleep. yea! i didn't mean for the letter to take such a sardonic turn. i'm tired. i should probably watch something and stitch the elastic into my skirt.

m-