as i sit here as just one personality among a veritable quiche plate of many i'm tempted to eat the quiche bcs my god they're so tasty. why would i even attempt to assert my own quiche-ness if i'm happily occupied remarking on everyone elses. i went to the internet to find quiche and i found a production company and among other things microwavable quiche by betty crocker. i thought i should stop there. i mean any further investigation seemed mut. like- hadn't i hit bottom.
yesterday i got 4 out of 5 points done on my list but all i could think of was where's penelope. today i go up the mountain. that is the only thing on my list. that is the only thing i know about for sure.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Monday, April 11, 2005
trouble with margains
some might say that my poem was a cop out, an excuse if you will to avoid talking about a larger epic. bcs trust me it is epic in proportion. but some might also say that you're lucky to get anything at all. given my recent addiction to a 5 hour gilmore marathon and watching all of project greenlight2 in 2 days... i mean you know my involvement was just a little too, too. you know what i mean? i'm seeking help. no, really.
okay i'm lying. who has the time. i will say though that PG2, PG3 made me hate casting directors and studios. it made me wonder once again how i could stand to enter this business except for the fringes. i mean, i think i viscerally was troubled by the entire PG2, PG3 trend, reality, premise, fact. Like that's why Judge won't ever follow up "office space." I felt my chest tighten a few times in panic. it also made me wonder how anything quality manages to come off the page and onto cinematic screens near you. it's like those horror films that make you back slowly out of the room screaming the horror the horror, or if you're marlon brando laying down, and whispering, "the horror the horror." it didn't stop me from applying for "creative executive" at the WB today. I thought if May-bee could do it on "Arrested Development" there's always a chance I could too right? sure i don't have marketing experience but i have that creative part down pat. and i promise only as a last resort would i ever mark my office walls with the phrase, "exterminate them all." the brutes! how could they! how could any of us.
so after finishing the movie "the battle of shaker heights" with its ridiculous marketing jacket and the uninspired blooper reel- i realized i'd fallen a little too far down the rabbits hole. thank god i've got shoes with spikes on them and i'd tethered myself to a self retracting mechanism called "me." it doesn't mean i'm not a little scathed however. i realize now i need to go back to my lists, to waiting for the unemployment check, to sunflower seeds at my right hand and the cup of lemonade to my left. real concrete things like my tan and maybe if i'm lucky, old eps of murder she wrote.
okay i'm lying. who has the time. i will say though that PG2, PG3 made me hate casting directors and studios. it made me wonder once again how i could stand to enter this business except for the fringes. i mean, i think i viscerally was troubled by the entire PG2, PG3 trend, reality, premise, fact. Like that's why Judge won't ever follow up "office space." I felt my chest tighten a few times in panic. it also made me wonder how anything quality manages to come off the page and onto cinematic screens near you. it's like those horror films that make you back slowly out of the room screaming the horror the horror, or if you're marlon brando laying down, and whispering, "the horror the horror." it didn't stop me from applying for "creative executive" at the WB today. I thought if May-bee could do it on "Arrested Development" there's always a chance I could too right? sure i don't have marketing experience but i have that creative part down pat. and i promise only as a last resort would i ever mark my office walls with the phrase, "exterminate them all." the brutes! how could they! how could any of us.
so after finishing the movie "the battle of shaker heights" with its ridiculous marketing jacket and the uninspired blooper reel- i realized i'd fallen a little too far down the rabbits hole. thank god i've got shoes with spikes on them and i'd tethered myself to a self retracting mechanism called "me." it doesn't mean i'm not a little scathed however. i realize now i need to go back to my lists, to waiting for the unemployment check, to sunflower seeds at my right hand and the cup of lemonade to my left. real concrete things like my tan and maybe if i'm lucky, old eps of murder she wrote.
The Flight
there were 3 deaths once removed,
a very sick cat,
2 births to come,
and a free bird.
the cat and the bird are mine. the life and death stuff are everyone elses.
the cat:
a stray,
down by half,
so sick it wouldn't eat,
when i petted it...
still clenched
its
fist
in a weak smile.
hasten natures process
by killing it
ourselves.
the three deaths:
a cousin,
grandmother,
father.
expected-
all 3.
but when
was another matter.
there were
final goodbyes.
2 births:
2 friends
in tandem
grow out
and in
a foot moves upon
the flesh
the flesh
the readiness
all.
the bird:
oh, morning dove.
through the window-
with a thud and flutter,
yell: Cats!
and downy feathers spread
waft,
on down the hall.
the bird in hand
into 3am air
blink-
beautiful
night.
and down on the cool ground
oh, bird!
and breath.
with a chortle
takes flight
and lives.
a very sick cat,
2 births to come,
and a free bird.
the cat and the bird are mine. the life and death stuff are everyone elses.
the cat:
a stray,
down by half,
so sick it wouldn't eat,
when i petted it...
still clenched
its
fist
in a weak smile.
hasten natures process
by killing it
ourselves.
the three deaths:
a cousin,
grandmother,
father.
expected-
all 3.
but when
was another matter.
there were
final goodbyes.
2 births:
2 friends
in tandem
grow out
and in
a foot moves upon
the flesh
the flesh
the readiness
all.
the bird:
oh, morning dove.
through the window-
with a thud and flutter,
yell: Cats!
and downy feathers spread
waft,
on down the hall.
the bird in hand
into 3am air
blink-
beautiful
night.
and down on the cool ground
oh, bird!
and breath.
with a chortle
takes flight
and lives.
Wednesday, April 6, 2005
mid-morning
i wanted to blog about butterflies- turns out the butterflies we thought were monarchs that had blown by here were actually called "painted ladies" from mexico. why not just call them whores. or is it just me... anyway bcs the desert has been bursting into bloom there are more of those painted ladies than usual. i didn't feel the need to dig any deeper.
in other MENDACIOUS news:
i'll be participating in an art fair in MAY. so you've got about a month to psyche yourself up- for what i don't know. you make it up and let me know.
also the list thing is working with varied success. apparently one half of me likes to do it. the other half likes to undermine it. sure "exercise/yoga/bike" has been on the list in varying spots from 1-4 it has as yet to work. today is the day. that's what i'm saying.
admission: i'm boring myself lately which is a consequence of not working. not enough outside stimulous but i'll continue the dialogue in the hopes that something enlightening will emerge.
"if we fail to write how will the pattern emerge."
in other MENDACIOUS news:
i'll be participating in an art fair in MAY. so you've got about a month to psyche yourself up- for what i don't know. you make it up and let me know.
also the list thing is working with varied success. apparently one half of me likes to do it. the other half likes to undermine it. sure "exercise/yoga/bike" has been on the list in varying spots from 1-4 it has as yet to work. today is the day. that's what i'm saying.
admission: i'm boring myself lately which is a consequence of not working. not enough outside stimulous but i'll continue the dialogue in the hopes that something enlightening will emerge.
"if we fail to write how will the pattern emerge."
Tuesday, April 5, 2005
Corporate Me
Today when we went around the room to introduce ourselves (most hated task!), I made sure to say, "And I'm a writer." Even if it's not true, even if I am currently not physically writing something, isn't also true that we just always are writers? Like, it's in us, and that can't be taken away. We'll always be that observing variety, thinking in crafty sentences.
Yeah.
Anyway, suddenly the room became Very Interested, and it made me feel better, because now that's Out There. I'm not just here, bumbling, being shy. I'm trying to earn a buck, true. But there's something else to me, and the fact that I don't talk very much? That doesn't mean I'm boring. I have A Plan.
And here are the things I have collected over the past two days:
1. Stainless steel coffee mug
2. Two pens, one white and one blue. The blue one is like half a pen, with this weird lever-thingy that makes the ballpoint appear
3. A CD cutter, for those pesky sticky labels you can never get off with just fingernails
4. A post-it pad and a magnet, both for the fridge
5. A shoestring necklace for my photo ID badge, which must be visible at all times
Yeah.
Anyway, suddenly the room became Very Interested, and it made me feel better, because now that's Out There. I'm not just here, bumbling, being shy. I'm trying to earn a buck, true. But there's something else to me, and the fact that I don't talk very much? That doesn't mean I'm boring. I have A Plan.
And here are the things I have collected over the past two days:
1. Stainless steel coffee mug
2. Two pens, one white and one blue. The blue one is like half a pen, with this weird lever-thingy that makes the ballpoint appear
3. A CD cutter, for those pesky sticky labels you can never get off with just fingernails
4. A post-it pad and a magnet, both for the fridge
5. A shoestring necklace for my photo ID badge, which must be visible at all times
HAPPY 6th month ANNIVERSARY!
Dear Blog,
It seems like only yesterday we were just convincing ourselves that we had to start you. That we should write on you everyday and share our voice with the world! And here it is 6 months later- we still don't have a clear direction but we have readership and love, not even just the warm fuzzy kind- but confrontational truth affirming love. And I like it.
I would spend the rest of this letter telling you about the success and failures of other 6month relationships (which involve those little stupid bears with hearts) but as I am a spinster with a harsh and admonishing godmother, I don't think it entirely appropriate. Those clandestine meetings, the near affairs, the heartbreaking un-requitted love, the desolution of friendships... but here you are standing strong 6months into what is turning out to be a wonderful relationship. Let's not think on the past but on the future, of us, dear BLOG.
We've taken enormous strides by the mear act of writing. Imagine my darling, balloons, streamers and confetti... strawberries dipped in chocolate and galant attire. This party in my head is all for you!
THE VERSE:MAKING THE IVY is a success. no matter what happens- it's all been worth it.
It seems like only yesterday we were just convincing ourselves that we had to start you. That we should write on you everyday and share our voice with the world! And here it is 6 months later- we still don't have a clear direction but we have readership and love, not even just the warm fuzzy kind- but confrontational truth affirming love. And I like it.
I would spend the rest of this letter telling you about the success and failures of other 6month relationships (which involve those little stupid bears with hearts) but as I am a spinster with a harsh and admonishing godmother, I don't think it entirely appropriate. Those clandestine meetings, the near affairs, the heartbreaking un-requitted love, the desolution of friendships... but here you are standing strong 6months into what is turning out to be a wonderful relationship. Let's not think on the past but on the future, of us, dear BLOG.
We've taken enormous strides by the mear act of writing. Imagine my darling, balloons, streamers and confetti... strawberries dipped in chocolate and galant attire. This party in my head is all for you!
THE VERSE:MAKING THE IVY is a success. no matter what happens- it's all been worth it.
Saturday, April 2, 2005
What I've Been Doing, Where I've Been:
1. At work, planning my escape
Two Monday's ago, I arrived at work to find that after talking about it for years, they finally converted our database to the ugly, text-based platform. A week and a half before my last day, of course. And Windows was gone, replaced by Linux. Oh, and since you're in Customer Service and we ran out of computers, we had to give you The Slow One. Sorry!
So all my crafting and training in the Art of Being a Sneaky Workplace Badass, down the tubes. Instead of emailing and surfing on the sly, it was more--how do I work this thing? How do I look up orders? What am I looking at on the screen? How do I do my job again? Except that no one knew the answers.
Frankly, the time period passed in an insane little blur. My last day we had cupcakes, and also my departure coincided with a company pizza party. Typical. For our hard work in making the new database a success. Which isn't even true.
But I'm back now!
Will forgiveness be granted?
Pretty please?
Two Monday's ago, I arrived at work to find that after talking about it for years, they finally converted our database to the ugly, text-based platform. A week and a half before my last day, of course. And Windows was gone, replaced by Linux. Oh, and since you're in Customer Service and we ran out of computers, we had to give you The Slow One. Sorry!
So all my crafting and training in the Art of Being a Sneaky Workplace Badass, down the tubes. Instead of emailing and surfing on the sly, it was more--how do I work this thing? How do I look up orders? What am I looking at on the screen? How do I do my job again? Except that no one knew the answers.
Frankly, the time period passed in an insane little blur. My last day we had cupcakes, and also my departure coincided with a company pizza party. Typical. For our hard work in making the new database a success. Which isn't even true.
But I'm back now!
Will forgiveness be granted?
Pretty please?
My Dog
Is afraid of the wind. Literally.
***Break: Let me just say that Mendacious, you have properly shamed me. Blog Protective Services should be coming for me any moment now to arrest me for my neglect.***
So the not-so-little black dog spent all last night jumping on the couch and in bed with her mommy and daddy, more so than usual, entirely spooked by the anonymously stirring curtains, the thrashing windchimes, and the general upset that is going on outide. Honestly, though, it's a lovely spring rain. We need it, and for once this year, it's not making things cold. All the plants are outside, drinking it in, and though the couch under the open window suffered a little dampness this morning, the dog a little emotional trauma, it has been sweet to have all the windows open and the breeze blowing and the sound of rain.
***Break: Let me just say that Mendacious, you have properly shamed me. Blog Protective Services should be coming for me any moment now to arrest me for my neglect.***
So the not-so-little black dog spent all last night jumping on the couch and in bed with her mommy and daddy, more so than usual, entirely spooked by the anonymously stirring curtains, the thrashing windchimes, and the general upset that is going on outide. Honestly, though, it's a lovely spring rain. We need it, and for once this year, it's not making things cold. All the plants are outside, drinking it in, and though the couch under the open window suffered a little dampness this morning, the dog a little emotional trauma, it has been sweet to have all the windows open and the breeze blowing and the sound of rain.
Friday, April 1, 2005
Penelope Promises
Mendacious says:
Yes, I pirated this blog. Penelope no longer exists but a fond memory. She has been pushed to the darker recesses of my mind. I thought I would tell you. You'd think perhaps this goading would induce her to the fore. But no. It won't. I can't say why.
Today I pretended to be a camera op. Like they tell you in acting classes you NEVER disagree, never, ever- not when you're improv'ng or when they ask if you know how to do something in an audition. Do you know how to sky dive. YES, yes I do, and I'll show you how! (With a smile, with enthusiasm!) So today an associate of a friend needed for me to "shoot" something. I said, stills? He said, No- I've got a Canon xl something or other and he said, is that okay? And i said, "Yah, no problem." Sure I've never shot anything professionally before. I don't own a dv cam, nor have i ever used one, but you know I think, I can pull it off. God I hope so. I really do.
The beauty part is, my bless'ed logging experience has come in handy. All that raw footage gave me the eyes of a camera guy. How to swish pan, to rack focus in fact, to do other things involving xcu and xws. Or you know, sound like I know what I'm talking about like "oh you want me to get that, so you could do some "quick cuts" or well i did some uh stuff involving a tripod. But anyway who could believe I'd be a camera guy for 30 minutes. It was a good time. Now, who knows about the footage. I don't. Don't tell me. I don't wanna know.
I really started off wanting to tell you about the Pacific Ocean:
It's the largest and deepest of the oceans, it is probably the most violent of all oceans too. The Pacific Ocean has typhoons in the equatorial regions, nearly 300 active volcanoes which vent steam and smoke on her borders, and tidal waves are periodically unleashed. In comparison with the Pacific and the Indian Oceans, the Atlantic is the saltiest. The Pacific Ocean is less salty because of meteorological conditions. And it has the deepest trench and the longest mountain range.
Crazy huh. Yah. And to think I touched that violent mass yesterday and it numbed my feet. It has also almost dragged me out to sea in riptides, threw a rock at me and made my neck stuck sideways for a day when i was little imparing me until a car accident in 98, deposited countless sand particles in all sorts of unmentionable places, tossed me around, let me per'fect sumersaults and body surfing and provided soothing ambient sounds to lull me to sleep. It's responsible for so many things I can hardly think why anyone would want to go in it- that living, breathing thing.
Yes, I pirated this blog. Penelope no longer exists but a fond memory. She has been pushed to the darker recesses of my mind. I thought I would tell you. You'd think perhaps this goading would induce her to the fore. But no. It won't. I can't say why.
Today I pretended to be a camera op. Like they tell you in acting classes you NEVER disagree, never, ever- not when you're improv'ng or when they ask if you know how to do something in an audition. Do you know how to sky dive. YES, yes I do, and I'll show you how! (With a smile, with enthusiasm!) So today an associate of a friend needed for me to "shoot" something. I said, stills? He said, No- I've got a Canon xl something or other and he said, is that okay? And i said, "Yah, no problem." Sure I've never shot anything professionally before. I don't own a dv cam, nor have i ever used one, but you know I think, I can pull it off. God I hope so. I really do.
The beauty part is, my bless'ed logging experience has come in handy. All that raw footage gave me the eyes of a camera guy. How to swish pan, to rack focus in fact, to do other things involving xcu and xws. Or you know, sound like I know what I'm talking about like "oh you want me to get that, so you could do some "quick cuts" or well i did some uh stuff involving a tripod. But anyway who could believe I'd be a camera guy for 30 minutes. It was a good time. Now, who knows about the footage. I don't. Don't tell me. I don't wanna know.
I really started off wanting to tell you about the Pacific Ocean:
It's the largest and deepest of the oceans, it is probably the most violent of all oceans too. The Pacific Ocean has typhoons in the equatorial regions, nearly 300 active volcanoes which vent steam and smoke on her borders, and tidal waves are periodically unleashed. In comparison with the Pacific and the Indian Oceans, the Atlantic is the saltiest. The Pacific Ocean is less salty because of meteorological conditions. And it has the deepest trench and the longest mountain range.
Crazy huh. Yah. And to think I touched that violent mass yesterday and it numbed my feet. It has also almost dragged me out to sea in riptides, threw a rock at me and made my neck stuck sideways for a day when i was little imparing me until a car accident in 98, deposited countless sand particles in all sorts of unmentionable places, tossed me around, let me per'fect sumersaults and body surfing and provided soothing ambient sounds to lull me to sleep. It's responsible for so many things I can hardly think why anyone would want to go in it- that living, breathing thing.
the end of week 2
it's the end of week 2. I have to say that the itemizing of the list worked and i got 5 of 7 items done. yesterday i treated myself to a trip to the beach, bcs if i am going to be unemployed i might as well build up my base tan. so the itemizing there wasn't effective. i couldn't sit still and really every time i went into the water my feet went numb. it wasn't a matter of circulation, it was more about the fact that the water was freezing.
people observed: so there were 3 guys who ran into the water. gutsy i thought. then after a minute they ran back out. i assume they were turning numb as well. then instead of laying down on the sand or sitting on a towel they commensed standing. it was really quite unnerving and done out of the corner of my eye. so i kept staring at them. they had nice shorts on- sort of vintage, well fitting and not man-skirts that go to the knee. and i was like why aren't they sitting down. why. why. why. stop standing there. don't you know you're causing a scene. you look conspicuous! then one sat down and the other two kept standing. it was infuriating! sit. sit. sit. why aren't they sitting. then after a while the second one finally sat down but the third remained standing. i had to commense ignoring them as every attempt to rationalize their behavior met with disbelief. then later, i looked and they were gone, wither they went, i know not.
as this observation seems to be my lowpoint of blogging i can only hope i'll more effectively blog about butterflies tomorrow. but i hold no hope. not unlike theories that hold no water. freezing. numbing. water. it could be due to a lack of protein or my failure to understand the BOE sellers permit, and then the operator saying our switchboard is very busy do you have any other questions, well yes, sigh... what is it...and no i don't want to go out to van nuys! and then my inability to find a link to get a LA City Business License for an upcoming fair which I might miss bcs of being inept and failing to see requirement #14. which led to all of this in the first place. it's hard to say.
people observed: so there were 3 guys who ran into the water. gutsy i thought. then after a minute they ran back out. i assume they were turning numb as well. then instead of laying down on the sand or sitting on a towel they commensed standing. it was really quite unnerving and done out of the corner of my eye. so i kept staring at them. they had nice shorts on- sort of vintage, well fitting and not man-skirts that go to the knee. and i was like why aren't they sitting down. why. why. why. stop standing there. don't you know you're causing a scene. you look conspicuous! then one sat down and the other two kept standing. it was infuriating! sit. sit. sit. why aren't they sitting. then after a while the second one finally sat down but the third remained standing. i had to commense ignoring them as every attempt to rationalize their behavior met with disbelief. then later, i looked and they were gone, wither they went, i know not.
as this observation seems to be my lowpoint of blogging i can only hope i'll more effectively blog about butterflies tomorrow. but i hold no hope. not unlike theories that hold no water. freezing. numbing. water. it could be due to a lack of protein or my failure to understand the BOE sellers permit, and then the operator saying our switchboard is very busy do you have any other questions, well yes, sigh... what is it...and no i don't want to go out to van nuys! and then my inability to find a link to get a LA City Business License for an upcoming fair which I might miss bcs of being inept and failing to see requirement #14. which led to all of this in the first place. it's hard to say.
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