A,

In an upswing of energy, having thought most of the day of passing out in my chair and even still but now it doesn't count because it's actually bedtime. But I packed the 3 boxes of decorations I have, and cleaned the house of tree. If I want a bigger tree I'm going to have to add a 4th box and get more ornaments- because after the mom divide I have nary the supply I once did and my ornaments barely covered the 4ft thing I had. Theyre not in the attic yet but they're so close...I even had the energy to wipe down a few cabinets- while having a conversation with Kerry no less. Unrelated to that, but related to the rampant cleaning, I'm throwing Amy a tea on Sunday because it was her birthday and every day in my malaise I've picked something to do so the house is presentable- especially to new people. So that's helped me dole out the otherwise insurmountable projects- like laundry and sweeping and repotting a few things, which winded me on Thursday but am feeling better today though the submental node is still a small button presenting itself. We were <.> close to having it in Malibu. I don't know WHAT happened. As it is I got this amazing blue fabric from Marge but has this mothball stench I can't get rid of after maybe 3 or 4 washes...


But as I tried to move a few pots and gaze at the disarray the backyard is to me, I almost lost it again as I gazed at my crumbling patio. The braces separating. The supports decaying, the top bowing in. Ugh. And then you know- it's just not done and even though there is always something I have to have it look settled in order to be settled no matter how much needs to be done. It must be like the shoe situation you mentioned. Which I have no words for. Part of me though thinks- change, good. But then... it's all pretty impossible. But then I thought that about the doors but then again it took 16 years.


As a sidenote I bought, on managers special, this cheddar jalapeño bread- so good. I just had some toasted with butter. Man. That makes it all better. And all Amy cheekily wanted was Coke and Doritos... so I did buy that but I know that wouldn't go over well with any of the other ladies, or myself honestly. But I am going to do it up in a bow for her.


Anyway I should go to bed- I will say though I think the best... ok I don't know how there could even be just one... of the Hallmark Movies... so nevermind.


I finally also got twist to sleep on my lap- though if I move she'll panic and bolt right off- she is distressed as her victory for the chair was hard won against marley and she doesn't know what to do when I'm in it- she choses the rug on the floor in the laundry room over sharing the couch... poor thing.


k-

recent findings, (in)conclusions

• I do not, nor possibly will I ever, enjoy brown rice.
• Same goes for whole grain pasta, although I *might* give it another chance.
• Until then, I plan to fully enjoy my nutritionally valueless refined pastas and rice. Yum.
• Most of the other grains I eat are whole, with no HFCS. I know too much to eat differently, anymore.
• It’s very difficult to find hot dog buns without HFCS. Even from the grocery store bakery, you still might not find them.
• Antiperspirants make my underarms hurt (random? or is it), so I’ve switched, as an experiment, to all-natural deodorant.
• I’ve tried two different kinds, and one works just fine, although it’s not summer yet. If you know what I’m saying. My underarms felt much better.
• The other kind totally still make my underarms feel weird, and I swear that it made my boob hurt, too. A lot.
• Just because you can’t google the pain, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
• I’m kind of lucky that I don’t sweat much, though.
• Not exercising aids this issue. There’s a positive. Of not exercising.
• Although, I did exercise twice this past week. For the first time in forever.
• Organic Braeburn apples are stop-in-your-tracks tasty.
• Costco is still the most convenient place for me to buy produce. Even if it’s mostly not organic, and definitely not local.
• Whatever. It’s like, wherever and whenever possible.
• I love dark chocolate, a whole lot.
• Farm-fresh eggs? Yes.
• Pure & Natural soap smells really good and comes in a container with baby’s breath seeds in it. You can plant the container, for real, and thusly enjoy the plant.
• However, despite its Pure & Naturalness, it still makes me break out.
• Aveeno soap remains the only soap that doesn’t make me break out. Fragrance or fragrance-free, doesn’t matter. Aveeno, thumbs-up.
• J.Lo hates the Mrs. Meyer’s dish soap I bought, which is rhubarb-scented. Upon further examination, I don’t blame him. Will probably donate said dish soap to a better cause.
• The glass and countertop cleaners, however, are not not as offensive. And, they work.
• I still use bleach to clean the bathroom, occasionally. Don’t foresee this habit changing. Mainly because it works. Kicks the shit out of some mold and germs.
• Are you still listening? I totally don’t blame you if you aren’t.
• Actually, I’m not sure we have a substantial blog audience anymore, anyway.
• Everyone’s on Facebook, or else living their “offline lives,” or whatever.
• And that’s fine. I’m glad that, in addition to a Facebook account and a life offline, I still have a journal.
• And a space that is just Pen & M’s.
• However, if you are still listening, we love you.
• I can’t think of anything else to say. And it’s bedtime.

Penelope out!

so long, farewell

I’m such a child about clearing out the old, making room for the new. It takes every ounce of strength, plus a bit of harassment by J.Lo, to defy my packrat/cling-to-everything-forever nature and just get.rid.of.it. I have basically had to delude my (true) self into thinking it’s good to own less. That I won’t need my 10th grade notebooks from Social Studies and Health class when I’m 82.

Those notebooks are long gone (I’m totally still pouting on the inside), but over the past few years, I feel that I have made true progress toward letting go of all things superfluous. The outgrown, outdated, worn-out, etc. Out it goes. The following, however, are the things I have to tell myself to make it through the weeding process:

Penelope’s Delusional Self-Talk:

By the time these clothes look right again, they will be out of style. (This could, actually, be true. But it doesn’t mean it’s any less difficult to part with some crappy graphic tee I wore in grad school.)

I’ve enjoyed this item, and now it is time for someone else to take it home and love it like the ratty-eared stuffed puppy it is.

Think of Charlie-in-the-Box. There is a home out there for every misfit toy. 

What was I thinking when purchasing this item? Total crap!

Contrary to instinct, it is not true that I will require use of this item 10 years down the line. And if I do, it will probably be cracked and yellowing.

I don’t want people to dread my death one day for the sole reason they’ll be stuck cleaning out my house.

And,

Really? I have a pile of receipts from Christmas Shopping 2003?! Really.

Please feel free to borrow any of these phrases for your own future adventures in cleaning up and clearing out. And remember, a homeless person will appreciate those socks you never wear much more than you do. (That, actually, is true.)

sPLat

I've decided lately that the sound of SPLATS can never mean anything good. If I hear a splat, it is either:

*N.Lo yakking, said yak hitting the floor.
*K.Lo, having a pee accident, said accident hitting the floor. (I guess it's more of a "splash" than a "splat," but you get the picture.)
*Me painting, and I've splattered again. The splatter is typically followed by me stepping in it, tracking the paint everywhere.

Splats mean cleanup, a major decline in efficiency, and a general feeling of annoyance/discomfort/disorder. Monk would have a fit. The worst is when I have more than one possibility occuring at once; it happens more often than you might think.

Consider me ANTI-SPLAT, until we have moved on to the next phase of existence.

Not that I don't love the earth

We've been pinching pennies lately, for several reasons: debt consolidation, lack of overtime hours, and oh, the fact that we have two children now. Gets expensive. So here are the some of things I've been doing that in another life I might have considered... fussy, boring, overly-involved, obsessive, over-the-top, impractical, plain old can't-be-bothered-with-it, etc. A lot of these make it sound like we're all Going Green with Al Gore, but no, we're just cheap bastards.


*I have severely cut our paper towel usage. Paper towels will be used only for things like... cooking bacon. For cleanups, I purchased a pack of microfiber cloths ($8.99 for 12, found in Target's automotive section) and throw them in the laundry when they're dirty. They wash well, although they tend to cling to the other clothes like velcro, which is a little weird. They do clean up better than paper towels, however, which I'm very impressed with.

*Items we really go through, I buy in bulk. Items we wouldn't go through if we have a half-ton of it around, I buy as needed. I'm very judicious about this fund allocation, and I do find more and more items switching over to the bulk list, because I am also getting very strict about finishing everything we buy.

*We use the front and backs of scrap paper, especially for K.Lo's art projects.

*We eat leftovers for lunch. Or sometimes, if I don't think we'll make it through the leftovers before they die, I put them in the freezer for a whole nother dinner.

*Nearly all of the kids' clothes are hand-me-downs or gifts. Every once in awhile I can't restrain myself, but I do try.

*I bought the light bulbs that last 7 years. But I won't use them in the fixtures I know will burn out long before the 7 years is up.

*Unless I take a trip, I only fill up my own car with gas maybe once a month. Because I never go anywhere far. (This one's sort of a lucky accident.)

*I use the aquarium water on the front-porch plants...which are dying because I need to water them in between, too, but that's another story.

*We wear a lot of clothes (pants, pjs, some shirts, not underwear for heaven's sake) more than once to cut back on laundry, only wash what's really dirty... which N.Lo helps along faster than we'd like. Babies are so messy.

*I make most of my own cleaning products. The only thing I don't make (yet) are laundry detergent and dishwasher cleaner. And furniture polish, but I'm really thinking about it. Oh, and granite cleaner, I probably will not make that, unless I find a good recipe. I have 2 multi-purpose sprays that also happen to be non-toxic. Dust repellant spray, shower cleaner, and general bathroom cleaner. I also use various product concoctions to clean the toilet and also the drains. I use straight vinegar to clean the coffee pot and also instead of Jet Dry in the dishwasher. I haven't had to make a glass cleaner yet, since I still have some store-bought on hand, but I will eventually.

*I downgraded our cable/internet package--oh wait, no, I upgraded it. Because it was actually cheaper to get the faster internet service, go figure. And that price is locked in now for 2 years, won't change even when everything goes to HD.

*We have the cheapest possible price plan for our phones, and never go over our minutes, and do not excessively text. Actually, the whole street could probably use our minutes and we still wouldn't go over, because I, as previously discussed in some other blog post of the past, am not a Phone Person, and we have rollover out the yang.

*We just switched trash companies, thanks to a hot tip from erinhjones. Servicetrash.com, baby. Ten bucks a month.

*We only give the kids baths once or twice a week. Oh wait, maybe that's just laziness. But seriously, too many baths dries out their skin anyway.

*And when I do give K.Lo a bath, I just plug the drain when I start the water running, and then mix it with the hot to get it the right temp, rather than wasting all that water at the beginning. I'm also considering (will I go this far?) getting a bucket and collecting unused water from the shower, like when you're waiting for it to heat up? But I don't know, it seems very hard core. But I could maybe use that for the fish tank, and the dying plants so maybe they'll live again.

*I never throw out gift bags, unless they're torn or whatever... and thusly never have to buy a gift bag. Same with tissue paper. And mailing envelopes/boxes.

*I also buy cards in bulk. Or at the dollar store, where incidentally, they cost less than a dollar.

*I buy books and music with gift certificates only, and otherwise they'll be used, like at the famed Library Book Sale, or on Amazon Marketplace. Or I don't buy a book at all, if I can get it at the library or borrow. Or burn, for music. And movies, I'm trying to not buy those at all, for the time being, and just rent from Netflix or ask for it for Christmas. Except with Dan in Real Life, I totally caved on that one, but it was my birthday we were celebrating.

*And, as you probably already well know, I am the bargain shopper. When it comes to pretty much everything.

So, welcome to my nerdy, cheapskate life. I share this list not to brag, or complain, or make you feel compulsive about your own life (god, please don't), but more just to catalogue our efforts? Because we are. Making an effort.

if/then/zen (bonus)

Here is the problem.
I think.
It used to be that...
How I've maintained some semblance of sanity/positivity/calm as a parent is...
(Besides getting a good night's sleep.)
I did away with expectations. I didn't lower them, I just did away. Because I didn't/don't know what to expect with kids. Babies. Toddlers. Tiny people running around my house. This general lack of experience has worked for me in that so many ordinary things become extraordinary. It's all new, it's all amazing, it's all so much fun. And also, my patience has increased, my need for things to go Exactly as Planned has decreased. Ten, twenty, one hundredfold.
But.
Somehow I seem to be losing this level of zen, letting it slip from my grasp. I find myself thinking in conditional statements, the If... Then of high school math. Mainly it is just, If she would only sleep, then. My patience/sanity/positivity and possibly calm might be restored.
What is ungluing me the most, though, is how conditional it all really is. Even when I am supposedly zen. One little thing slips out of place, and I feel all tweaky. Sleep is biggest. Cleanliness is next. Lack of sleep + lack of cleanliness and I'm really a mess. Which is why in the middle of the night, I'm thinking such thoughts as:
If the FISH TANK weren't so murky/algae-filled.
If the RUG weren't filled with spots.
If the DRINK DISPENSER on the fridge didn't have that weird-ass patina to it that I can't scrub away.
Then maybe I wouldn't feel so agitated?
Must remember/recall/recapture zen.
Must get some sleep.

this moment in time brought to you by penelope

K.Lo: teething again, or still, or whatever. I feel bad for the kid because several are popping through at once, they take forever (weeks, months), and her gums are all swollen. She's just not her usual charming self.

N.Lo: getting bigger every day, and he's a kicker. Predict foot will be coming out of mouth by October.

Pen: tired, increasingly uncomfortable with sciatica, heartburn. Less patient than usual. And whiny, clearly. Not my usual charming self.

K.Lo and Pen together: a weary team. Outings are generally mishap-filled, so we tend to stay home these days. We watch Elmo until our eyes bleed.

House: pretty clean, but I gave up on the vacuuming and a few other things here and there. Should be presentable for kudzu, who is visiting today (yay!). Though really I doubt she cares about a few (or more than a few) wayward dustballs.

Outside: Scorching. Blazing. Ridiculous. I don't remember a day or series of days this hot in recent years. I mean, yes, it's August and it's North Carolina, and I'm hotter than usual this year with preggo heat. But sheesh. Yesterday, something was burning in ILM, and the air just felt like fire.

Cookies: lost again. Except not in that way. I baked a batch of banana-oatmeal-raisin-coconut bars (tasty!) for K.Lo's play group today, and when we left, I put them on the top of my neighbor's car. I predict they are somewhere in Castle Hayne, scattered roadside and hopefully not causing a scene. Whoops.

Top Chef: fun and fantastic as usual, but I wish that they did make the crabcakes, for one, and also that Sara would go home, because she annoys me. And Howie doesn't, strangely. Tom Colicchio grows on me more and more with each season. But it's all still not enough; I eagerly anticipate the fall lineup.

dustballs

So far this pregnancy is marginally less stressful than when I was pregnant with K.Lo. The biggest thing is that I'm not working outside of the home; my job consists of the cooking, the cleaning, the shopping, taking care of K.Lo. The usual old-fashioned domestic duties. Which is all good, as I'm perfectly content with these things, and of course, it's not good to be overly stressed while pregnant. If we weren't stressed to some degree, though, we'd probably be pulse-less.

My brain seems to be on hiatus this week, maybe N.Lo is building his own brain cells and is sapping all the power from mine? I don't know... I feel like mainly the past couple of days, I have been *blank*. Which in some ways is good, because I haven't been thinking about certain weightier issues that have a tendency to stress me out, like certifiable family, or why, even if I'm comfortable with being a non-hob-nobber, it still bothers me on some deep, dark, junior-high-insecurities level when I'm excluded. I don't have the go-go gadget brain power to address these things at the moment. So what I do worry on, the little things that are nagging me, particularly when I'm feeling so sapped, is that I'm not doing *enough* so far as the aforementioned domestic duties are concerned. What I want to do in my day is take a nap, watch a little TV, eat a little ice cream, and not think about the eau de dog hair on the carpet, or the mildew overtaking the shower. I eat the ice cream, I watch the TV, if I'm very lucky I take the nap. But it just doesn't work for me to let lurking messes get lurkier. I can't rest. I do what I can, take care of what's most pressing: I buy A&H carpet deodizer and vacuum the house, I scrub down the bathroom, I spot-clean the kitchen. I launder, I iron, I give the baby a bath. I try to do a good job.

I think one of the problems with being home all day, though, as lucky a circumstance as it is, is that you can think too much about whether the job you're doing is good enough. When you're working outside of the home, you do what you have time and strength for inside the home, and you're golden. You're doing the best you can. But inside the home, all day, every day, there's little else you're being judged on. Obviously, no woman in the world will ever live up to the domestic ideal presented by Martha Stewart--and yet I can't shake what she said on her show recently about cleaning her bathroom every day. Is this reasonable, or even humanly possible? Then, another friend I talked to recently cleans her house in two hours every Friday, or thereabouts, and I'm like, wow. The whole house, really?! It takes me two hours to dust just our bedroom. Probably I'm just slow, but I try to be thorough. And I'll never be thorough enough, but at least most of the dust bunnies are gone, and the room looks and smells good for a few days, about once a month. My mind wanders to what other people I know are doing and not doing, and compares their household routines, which in actuality I know nothing about, with my own. Just because a friend's house is well-organized and her kitchen counters sparkle when she has guests doesn't mean that a) it's like that all the time and b) that her room corners don't have a few cobwebs just like mine do.

I can't really judge my own standard of cleanliness by others and what they supposedly do, right? I'm an as-needed chore-doer by nature, I can't stick to a regime. Regime as a word just makes me feel all... regimey. Also, as mentioned many times before, we're a dog household: We're always going to live a little messy, and as not-okay as I am with the constant Battle of the Bender-Hair, I am actually okay with a little messy, a little less than perfection, or at least expected perfection.

So how do I get rid of that little Martha on my shoulder, the one who instills self-doubt and deprecation where it's not welcome or wanted or needed. Is there a cleaner that will eradicate her, a simple household solution? Or how about the tendency to endlessly compare all of what you know about your own habits to all of what you don't know about another's habits. How do we get rid of that.

Anyway, I'm spiraling a little too far down into thoughtfulness... Time for some oreos, some Last Comic Standing, and some sleep.

updates

Location: home again, after a whirlwind trip to DC and MD. Visited the Smithsonian, saw among other things Abe Lincoln's hat from the day he was shot, Kermit the Frog from 1970, an outfit that George Washington wore, and Dorothy's ruby red slippers, all live and in person, even if behind glass. Also many space exhibits and the Hope Diamond, for a nanosecond. Saw the Washington Monument, the Capitol Building, and the White House for the first time ever. Bought Bug some animals. Decided we must venture back for more than a few hours, definitely a few days. Want to see the zoo, and the monuments in further detail, as well as the museums, and go on on the boat-mobile that drives directly into the river. Sunday, a lovely visit with fam, held a sweet little new baby. Monday, a trip to IKEA!, hours and hours on the road and then HOME. Pizza. Sleep.

[caption: OMG, it's Carrie Bradshaw's computer, Seinfeld's Puffy Shirt, and Mr. Rogers' sweater! Glorious artifacts from my 80s, 90s, and 00s TV experiences, all in one case!]

Bug: precocious. Give the child a few bites of brownie and if she decides that's not enough, she's off to the kitchen, stretching and waving and whining up at the brownie container on the shelf. Sheesh! Also though, a good traveler. Couldn't be more pleased.

Headaches: went away, but now returned. Pondering fall travel, very pregnant travel, to up North. Plane, train, automobile? Money, rental cars, and gasoline. It's all too much.


Trips: another this week, back to RDU, to celebrate an MSW graduation--go Sebs, woohoo!

IKEA: I'm all over the catalog.

Floors: freshly vacuumed.

Suitcase, bags: all unpacked.

TV: lots to see this week, but then soon all the good stuff will be over, no?

Miffed: Missed the Australia's Next Top Model Marathon on VH1 this past Sunday.

Dustin Diamond on CFC: like a traffic accident. A rude, loud-mouthed, un-self-aware traffic accident.

Amazing Race conflusion: eh.

Brain cells: fizzling.

Green: not so much?

Scale: lies.

Smooth Move of the Weekend: forgetting camera not only in DC, but also for Sunday family gathering. Nearly murdered by J.Lo.

Emails, blog posts/comments (by me): soon!

oh noooooooo!

After tearing down the hallway wallpaper on Wednesday, we (my mom and I) were prepared on Thursday morning to begin painting. The shade was a lovely light mauve, not too dark for a windowless space, but also not too light, or too pink, or too purple, or too weird. From my imagination to my selection to our execution, it was spot-on. I was quite pleased with the project. Except for one teensy error in judgment, one minor little slip that I blame entirely on Prego Brain.

Don't ever do this: don't think that just because there's hooks under the paint tray made for ladder rungs that you can hook the tray to the ladder and then pour. Especially if you are indoors, and especially if your baby is standing about a foot away.

The tray tipped and fell in slow-motion, seemingly, and yet there was just no way to pause, rewind, reconsider one's idiocy (and lack of a dropcloth), and redo.

I'm quite surprised I didn't cry. Spilled milk, nah, don't worry about it, but spilled paint? It's another matter entirely.

K.Lo is fine, actually. Somehow she made it through the day, including the cleanup, the tracking all over the house (mine), and finally the subsequent painting, without a single splotch on her clothes. She wasn't too happy when sequestered to her crib during cleanup (no other choice), but toward the end she was able to rejoin us and even pitched in.

P.S. Should a similar incident ever occur in your travels, I do recommend a spray-bottle solution of water combined with Murphy Oil Soap. Or even the spray-cleaner version of the product, should you have had the foresight to purchase it.