A,

In an upswing of energy, having thought most of the day of passing out in my chair and even still but now it doesn't count because it's actually bedtime. But I packed the 3 boxes of decorations I have, and cleaned the house of tree. If I want a bigger tree I'm going to have to add a 4th box and get more ornaments- because after the mom divide I have nary the supply I once did and my ornaments barely covered the 4ft thing I had. Theyre not in the attic yet but they're so close...I even had the energy to wipe down a few cabinets- while having a conversation with Kerry no less. Unrelated to that, but related to the rampant cleaning, I'm throwing Amy a tea on Sunday because it was her birthday and every day in my malaise I've picked something to do so the house is presentable- especially to new people. So that's helped me dole out the otherwise insurmountable projects- like laundry and sweeping and repotting a few things, which winded me on Thursday but am feeling better today though the submental node is still a small button presenting itself. We were <.> close to having it in Malibu. I don't know WHAT happened. As it is I got this amazing blue fabric from Marge but has this mothball stench I can't get rid of after maybe 3 or 4 washes...


But as I tried to move a few pots and gaze at the disarray the backyard is to me, I almost lost it again as I gazed at my crumbling patio. The braces separating. The supports decaying, the top bowing in. Ugh. And then you know- it's just not done and even though there is always something I have to have it look settled in order to be settled no matter how much needs to be done. It must be like the shoe situation you mentioned. Which I have no words for. Part of me though thinks- change, good. But then... it's all pretty impossible. But then I thought that about the doors but then again it took 16 years.


As a sidenote I bought, on managers special, this cheddar jalapeño bread- so good. I just had some toasted with butter. Man. That makes it all better. And all Amy cheekily wanted was Coke and Doritos... so I did buy that but I know that wouldn't go over well with any of the other ladies, or myself honestly. But I am going to do it up in a bow for her.


Anyway I should go to bed- I will say though I think the best... ok I don't know how there could even be just one... of the Hallmark Movies... so nevermind.


I finally also got twist to sleep on my lap- though if I move she'll panic and bolt right off- she is distressed as her victory for the chair was hard won against marley and she doesn't know what to do when I'm in it- she choses the rug on the floor in the laundry room over sharing the couch... poor thing.


k-

dear penelope,

Perhaps certain readers of my letters to you would like something more concrete. Youll be happy to know that as this event was unfolding I thought to myself, ah, now finally, something to blog about. Something down from the clouds and onto wet soggy earth. Of course I had a load of wash on the dock, the dishes overflowing and crawling with crumbs and ants in the sink, and there was the lawn, the lawn was so thirsty too- it told me so. And the camellias, those too. So as the 1st load was going, I put out the trashcans, chatted with the neighbor Pat and stretched out the hose, on my way to maybe wash dishes, and diverted to stretch the other hose to the camellias, I gave it a pull, it was stuck, came back to untwine it, and then tracked back and gave it a nice unfurling whip and stretch, and then, you know, that water exploding out of a small valve, whining, weezing, gurgling, pshhhhhhh, and shuddering pipe, water soaking the panes with a thwat thwat thwat and pwat pwat pwat sort of sound- and then it got a little quieter as the water level rose, and kept rising around the break, which I felt what a spectacle I can only wonder if anyone else saw. I rushed to turn off the red valve, and then the yellow valve, but no- it was below those. Soaked and dripping now.  I gingerly run into the house, slipped as I turned to grab the phone and sent it skittering across the kitchen floor along with myself as I was failing the turn off the water and problem solve this as fast as you can game. Mom didn't answer, dad, then suddenly mom answering and I ask, how do you turn off the water it's gushing, where, hold on let me, blah blah, here's your father, blah blah, no, gushing, below, yes, cover plate, near the street, get a wrench... I can't find the flashlight, where's the valve. I don't know. Wait, what do I do? mom in the background, we should just go over there.

And of course having lost the game I stood and pondered the water rocketing forth onto the lawn and creating a river at my feet, rushing past and under the grandmothers clock on the porch and down and out the driveway. I finally found the valve at the street level, and no it wouldn't budge. And then of course finally-- they came, and squishing across the lawn brought tools, my found torch, and absolutely drowned the rusted hinge with wd40- and then more problem solving with counter-levers, and dad grunting and mom fetching giant metal rods finally and 3 different types of wrenches, and we beat it, that sonofabitch. Language dear. Well after the river ran through it. But as with most things, I enjoy watching my parents work together and well. Even if my dad was in socks and my mom had some sad little blue light. They problem solved and pondered and that's them at their best. So despite the fact that I am now grungy, showerless, slack with thirst with no relief in sight, it was a pretty good night. I went on to play gearsofwar3, eat yogurt and watch sleepy hallow.

Sure the government is shut down, and my nails aren't in any kind of shape for a wedding, and I ate too many carbs, but I can say because of that I pretty much loved today. I can't remember what else there was but coffee with matt, and trader joes... and then the water burst forth. Dad said something like, well you broke it. As if my lateral tugging should've done it in and what was it doing being exposed and plastic to begin with anyway?! I'd like to believe I'd used the hose like a safety rope tied to myself and wrapped around the chimney while I was engaged in a daring cat rescue, but nevermind. Tomorrow is another day though. And I can say now I know how to turn off the water... hopefully it'll go a little bit easier than this time.... not sure about the gasline though... that's for the next earthquake.

xo, m.   

As I sit here pretending to smoke this mini-golf pencil,

my gums aching, nothing much on tv, and nothing I want to look at on the internet. It's like returning to my inbox to see if anyone has sent an email and no one has. Like waiting for money to drop from the sky or pondering earthquake weather.

Sipping rooibos iced tea as param snakes past me and hops out the broken screen door. Seems a shame to fix it. Wondering about having dreadlocks, knowing I could pull it off but would I want to. There are things still to do on the list- short term- curtain rods, trim, closet, and why are my gums aching anyway.

?

Something so earnest about a question mark.

I was going to talk about some of the church conflict stuff. So much there about truth and love and how our heart disorders them- but I think i'd rather go to bed. It's crazy. I mean I've had coffee even. I guess potting that one plant totally exhausted me. It came out of nowhere as I was watering- it just suddenly was impossible to ignore- and earlier I did become crazed and start ripping weeds and dead sunflower stalks out of the ground and into a giant untidy heap on the lawn.

So sleep. Sleep's ok for now right? After some portlandia and turning off the sprinkler.

m.

old-same,

By chance i came across the premiere of project runway. As the only things i seem to come across now adays is say yes to the dress and antiques roadshow. I find by and large nothing else appealing. And i did like the concept of parachutes as an unconventional design but most designers hardly did a thing with them, along with the occassional nutter and disaster piece. IN my mind it was suppose to premiere in August.

But then for the first time in years (possibly ever) I missed my car registration payment having thought for some reason it was on the 14th. No the 8th. Also I've given charge of Lolly to mom as I can't afford her or the July $1037 pricetag I owed for all the bells and whistles combined. And apparently I had to get her smogged? Whatever that is about. Conspiracy abounds. As if paying $28-$60 for something the government is making you do... Nevermind. I ultimately didn't pay for it anyway. I mean thank the Lord Jesus I have a mom who is my mom and no other kind of mom. I would still however like to be able to afford to exist in LA. But apparently not enough to hustle. You know what i mean. I'm not totally adverse to going to back to Korea. I guess? Maybe ironically when I finish moving the parents. I'm hoping God will work some miracles in the meantime.

Yesterday I fought through some seriously searing daggers whipping through my mind in the a.m. to rally and actually write a cover letter and application and submit it. I even went so far as to call the HR department prior to it. I do not jest when I say even opening up a job site makes me passively suicidal. And other people who do not struggle with how dark the dark can get or are constantly employed don't really get it i dont think. Like, I wish i was being melodramatic. Anyway it's for a prop supervisor who has to hire a staff of 20 student volunteers? And only gets paid $14 p/hr. Such is the sign of the times. But i like objects and it would be for an art school.

Any "productive" thing I did on top of that was just aces. And any less productive thing inconsequential.

You and cath are starting jobs in September. It would be nice to do the same I feel. In a show of solidarity.... and as i drink my 2nd cup of coffee there was something about bruckner hearing from God i thought. Some near death experience? But back to coffee- i have to use 4 scoops to make this trader joe batch i got worth anything close to something i can taste. And in such an ironic LA turn the best coffee there is - it's free and it's at my church. Not the best of the best. But at least the 2nd. It tastes like butterscotch. It's written up to be one of the best and because of the work of this guy named Bob is why we have it at our church in the first place... if it's not the sermons or the people by Gods good grace it will be the coffee that got me to go to church. What a change! If my 8 year old self could see me now!

Meanwhile Marley my cat- who in people years is at least 118 and 19 in cat years, keeps yowling in senility and sometimes laziness and sometimes hunger which drives me a little nuts and is annoying until i remind myself he might not remember where he is and that's distressing with his bad hips and his general oldalpha surlyness. It's funny to see in contrast Twist and her mewing- who is trying to see what her different calls yield- if i mew here will she open the door? open the window? give me a treat? pet me? It's pretty adorable. Ah the life of human to cat relations.

Otherwise i'm pleased that my nails are almost returned to their nonwrecked state. Hope for the future and all that-  alright i'm going to go play some teamdeathmatchesonxbox and later my ch4response on the meaning of marriage. Que: sigh heavily at this singlesadstate.

m.

KEEP CALM & CARRY ON
(poster from the govt. as seen on antiques roadshow-uk edition worth 900pounds)

Today I, by M

I can't articulate due to the brain and the wanting to sleep thing but,

i feel like a very tall blue vase filled with bubbly water in a dark corner with a sliver of light hitting it. the light is sort of yellowish and faint.

Today I, by M

feel like a small yarn headed doll with button eyes and a small flower powder blue print dress with lace trim that has been stuck in a crook of a tree over night.

Today I, by M

feel like that good luck cat with one paw up, painted red with yellow flowers and swirls.

Today I, by M

feel like a prickly black ball that is stuck on the side of the garage. There is a leaf in one of my spikes and some glitter. It's getting late but I can't quite fling myself off.

Today I, by M

as i approach the last of the month and the end of my regular todays I still love the visual curios that come as a result. I'm sure there's a pattern of me in there somewhere.

Today I feel like I am, at this moment, a burning flower, not consumed by the flames. But all the other flowers I see right now are on fire and I feel despair for them, because I have a hope they do not know.

Today I, by M

as i recall from tomorrow, i was on a rescue mission, facing elation, the job well done, the surge of life, then fatigue then susceptibility of illness due to exhaustion.

The strange dream i had about a white house and black trim and the rhinoceros on my chest might have been an indication of such, followed by a stranger monday.

Today I, by M

feel like I'm an oriental rug watching an intricate drama unfold. She may criticize some of the direction and acting but the words are what she loves best.

Today I, by M

feel like that awesome cocktail fruit trapped in a red jello mass shaped like a ball. There is nothing but iceberg lettuce in sight.

Today I, by M

feel like a pair of beige pants with hunter green loafers.

Today I, by M

feel like i've just sat thru 5 hours of wagner's die walkerie, where brunnheilde whoapparently makes wotan (her father/main god) so mad (bcs she tries to protect his 1/2 son sigmund from death) that he has to curse her just as a matter of ruling- so he makes her mortal and that she'll sleep eternally until some man comes to wake her up and she begs her father to make it someoneworthy of her, not a coward- so after much debate he wakes up the fire god loge and tells him to put a ring of fire around her high up on this rock/mountaintop where she sleeps. and wotan goes off to vallahala really bummed out.

best last act ever!

Today I, by M

feel like I am a dragon whose wings have caught fire. It doesn't seem serious but I'm in desperate need of a large pool of water.

Today I, by M

feel like dripping wax down the side of the candle. It's a long way down to the floor but there I go.

So far down and running that I won't even drive home, for my own safety of course. And Joanna's roommates bed is way better than mine. Did I mention feather pillows?

Today I, by M

feel like i was once a straight stiff bit of purple taffy and then as the day progressed i flopped over on the table and laid there, delicious tasting but helpless in my sticky melty condition.

Today I, by M

feel like a carpenter bee gnawing into a fresh piece of wood.

Today I, by M

feel like an assortment of coins sitting strangly in a wineglass full of jelly beans. It's a colorful, and enjoyable thing to be a part of, but I feel out of place.

Today I, by M

feel like one of those walking miniature robots who is shiny and silver with a red racing stripe down my back and glitter stickers and a puffy paint heart and i'm waddling down a slick wood hallway but i catch myself on a corner and keep walking but in place. Also i think the glitter sticker is ill placed as it obscures my robot laser vision.