God doesn't want me to work at Home Depot

That's my conclusion for today, as you fly the friendly and I would hope not hostile skies. Or at least I assume you're on a jet plane, headed - HOME! Eee. Excited for you. But back to me, obviously. So there was some random Weather happening yesterday, freezing rain and sleet and snow, all the things that allegedly never deter postal workers, but schools - forget it. K.Lo is on a 2-hour delay OF COURSE because I had an interview at 8:30AM. Someday I'm going to look back on these mishaps and shake my head and sigh. Rueful laugh. Oh wait, it's already happening. I think I'd feel more put out if I could stomach the idea of being a greeter. Here, pretend to be a mega-extrovert for several hours! It will be great. And you don't even get a discount on your garden supplies. As it is, I cannot even get through to say I can't be there. Awful. I'm either re-routed, because no one wants to take that message, or sent to HR, where the call is dropped before VM can pick up. Every. Time.

So you know, I hope the other one works out. Have interview tomorrow afternoon at a consignment shop that said they weren't hiring until, apparently, they saw my awesome application? Right right. Anyway, I'm sure they pay much less, but do offer discounts, first dibs, and most importantly, scheduling around the fact of being a mother. Which frankly is priceless.

And yeah, the Pam Beasley Question. That's totally it. It's enough, absolutely. I'm enough even without that. Duh, right? But then I get in my head that should I be required to work (and I need to) to avoid that razor's edge, then it has to be fraught with meaning or otherwise completely worthy of my time, and me of it. And then I swirl down into the conventional spiral of college education and The Promise aka Great Lie of "you can be whatever you dream!" as long as you get one and oh wait that's clearly not true. And then I plunge into darker channels about bringing children into this world and what was I thinking - oh wait - Love. And despite my combined Wrong Education and lack of Right Experience, I can and should still change the world. But roadblock, roadblock. Red tape and more tape. It's depressing even scratching the surface, which of course I never do. I delve. And I struggle to get back to that hopeful waiting thing, but whine, it's hard. So many available options to talk yourself out of it, convince yourself that you somehow don't have value in the world - but again, that's the wrong question.

Stupid human condition.

I fell asleep during the latest ProRun last night - how could one not, really. I have to go back and finish it before discussing what on earth - how - the winning team was the winning team. I mean, Michelle's was perfection, but Daniel's? Am I missing how that dress wasn't a life-size Barbie dress from the 80s? Like the kind literally for a child's doll, not someone trying to dress ironically. Those were shoulder pads, I'm sure of it. And that color! Blech. Collectively I thought the other team of two should have won - for once, I really liked P's in particular.

And are you watching the Amazing Race?? We're not quite caught up, but last week's - Hanoi! and pho! a pho challenge! What! And our missing ingredient was apparently coriander. Now all I need are some live chickens squawking in a shoulder basket...

All right well. I've officially missed my ridiculous interview. Best get on with the day.
love to YOU
your penelaotang
p.s. I FINALLY watched the lice ep of SouthPark. My baby, Hope! genius.

#20

Location: Yoger
Day: Thursday
Time: 11isham
Countdown: 52 days /30 something work days (curmudgeon gave me another way to calculate. love)

Yours: That happened to me too. They were virulent. I recall they thought the standard stuff would do but we needed the doctor strength finally. Ugh. It's so unpleasant. It does remind you/one/ of how "civilized" we are and what would happen if we didn't like to be civilized so much. I guess shows like revolution won't address the lice and other diseases issues? Like bedbugs at wayfaring places and all the dirty peasants having lice... i don't know what else? Though I'm sure that leather jacket which seems to be trending right now (similar to what that girls wearing in Once)... could be made by some awesome leathersmith for shite loads of money. It would be their chance to really laud the art of the craft guilds. But i'm sure that's not their focus. And how in a preindustrial age art can again begin to flourish anew. And no one would be talking about the death of theatre perpetually. (which has been going on since the 60's at least).

And the dream about the dog- really truly. They were laughing as dogs can and all playing together outside the house on the street. Get inside I said!

Sidenote- weather. Something more or less pleasant depending. It's rain/snowing right now. It's nice. I like the smell of snow on the air. I didn't bring my umbrella though, but it could be worse- it could be windstorming also. And it's not. So smal blessings I suppose. Last night Vivian [3rd flatmate] again asked the driver to give us a ride, and he gave us one right to our door. It rocked. Makes me love vivian in all her artsy awesome korean speaking ways and not going along with the crazy. Shes a bit subversive but not on purpose. I can't tell if she'd be the one likely to get killed because she's so blaise or inspiring and then kiiiik. Also new FT, james. Looking pale and english. Which he is. He apparently came from a harder more crazy hagwon so this one should be cake. But V coming in reminds me, like how easy would it have been in all those times for the bus to extend us that kindness late at night? And how sg never did. Never has bothered. I didn't think it was an option. and it probably isn't since sg would find some way to make it not ok. It saves me a dollar. Also since i'm completely out of dollars that would help.

The budget thing blown out of the water- not that it's all bad. I really did need that massuese to work out that shoulder knot that was threatening to pull my neck down along with it. But she in a stupid assumption charged me for both my and my friend sara's massage and i handed over the bank/cash card not thinking of why my other card wasn't working. And then there was the hair- the watercolor I had to have- right then. Like I'd been waiting for it the entire time. And the hair is such a subtle mystery that i can't fully appreciate or even see! It's really for other people to be surprised by. Which makes me love it and annoyed with it at the same time. And it's a bit melancholy and lovely. Also as i plan my trip- locking in things delightfully which i love and filling up the schedule bit by bit (and having to put everything on the card since i wont be able to paymyselfback unit feb- brings me to halong bay which i think i'm suppose to go to but seriously boats- make-me-nauseous- and it's all about a cruise and a night stay blah something on the boat. Oh and then everytime i'm like lets go here and there- i have to remind myself- travel makes you SICK. it really does. I like how i have to argue at myself like i'm arguing with a travel agent. I must be. It's ridiculous. I'm making cath bring me dramamine for our mekong delta tour- two nights on a boat!- ugh! the things i do for friends. I mean its necessary to really "see" the area... and she insists the movement wont be anything- but i got nauseous leaning on a windsurfing board in the middle of a bay with NO wind!

Oh and msytery speaking of- I've had two people pray about going to vietnam and they both get Volcano imagery... amidst confirmation of should be going but then there's that eruption... so be careful... and i'm like whhhhhhat. 2 people! i mention it here so if at any point on my trip something dramatic happens- you'll be able to just point to this and say- well it was foretold. Also let me go out on a limb and i think it's suppose to happen sometime in the middle of the country- around the time i'm at the farmstay by these caves or on the way to hoi an before tet. Like the tail of the dragon leaving and the year of the snake being ushered in. So. Just so we're all on the same page with having aweseome and foreboding at the same time. Do you want the actual emails in a follow up post so we can refer to later?

Allright- i guess i should go. I even said, no to planning, and yes to blogging. Go me!

And you, tell me of your world across the continents and seas.
M-




 

prompted 2

My favorite drink on any day is… because…

Black coffee. I’m sure that’s a cliché, but how many drinks are there to choose from anyway. I don’t love drinks with an excess of calories (empty!) or chemicals, and as an added bonus, coffee often makes me want to use jazz hands.

I also like water, and wine, and occasionally shots of spirit. The latter two of which do have an excess of calories (useless!), but much as I’d like, it wouldn’t be socially acceptable to suck them down all day long anyway. Coffee on the other hand is very socially acceptable. I have no idea what I’ll do during the apocalypse. I imagine people will barter for beans for awhile, but eventually that will run out and in the meantime the price will be high. Like you’ll have to hand over your children (who will be used for meat) or something. And then I’d have to choose between coffee and children and that would be a crisis. Also, do you like what I did there with “shots of spirit?” I chose spirit because I didn’t want to list out tequila and whiskey and marshmallow-flavored vodka, the last of which I usually have over ice anyway. And spirit is a good word, especially coupled with shot.

 

Today Bug, who has no apparent ruptured eardrum, but all symptoms pointed that way, and both are still infected regardless, stayed home from school because the new antibiotics are making her sick. #cannotwinforlosing #omgifshedoesntgobacktoschoolsoon

 

Next prompt: Today the weather is…

Sunny and chilly. Frankly I could use another gray, bitter day to wallow in. You’re too happy out there, sky!

 

Last prompt: Are you in Narnia? Yes/No, Why/Why Not?

No, I don’t think so. It’s not that I don’t see magic in the world, but surroundings are very concrete and nonmythical of late. The lice didn’t talk to me, tell riddles, serve me tea (thank God?!). I’ve been to Narnia before and the next time I go there I’ll have to travelogue. But at the moment I’m here, grounded, and maybe even grinding my teeth.

 

Now it’s totally your turn…

pre-autumn rainy world

Pensnaps,

so i had some seriously depressive episodes yesterday when i realized i had thought it was friday and it wasn't. it occurred to me also that i don't like 1/2 assing my job out of sheer disgruntledment, boredom, or ill-defined borders. i mean i almost want to apologize to 'dip' for sucking so much... which granted i don't suck that much but i still feel i'm doing everyone a disservice, total failure to thrive. failure to do it RIGHT. i felt this way when i knew i had to get out of stagemanaging. sometime by importanceofbeingearnest and it was like no going anywhere, closing down the doors kind of apathy. but anyway. i recently described to danica the issue facing me about jobs is akin to the issues i had with math. let me recount it for you here:

sometime around 5th grade i got an award for math but by 7th grade my teacher mr.frendt said, but m. it's SO easy. i did not think so. i felt like an idiot. by 9th grade after passing the first semester with a c? or d? not sure, i had to retake a portion of pre-algebra at a thug innercity school over the summer. by 10th grade i harrowingly passed with a C? or B-... i remember really liking it but my teacher mrs. levoe i think said, what happened on that test? i don't know. i never did. but it was always very bad. by 11th grade geometry i had to retake it in summer school just like i had with the pre/alg. by 12th grade i'd convinced my school advisor that taking math would tank my average. couldn't i take art class like i'd always wanted instead? as in 9th grade she had, for some reason stuck me in business principles/accounting with a bunch of thug/soontobeconvict 11th/12th graders, and i had to fight my way into ap english (i know. there are no words).... by admission to college i had to take a YEAR of remedial math. The first was geometry which i learned to love and lose my fear over. i felt smart, i sored. it was beautiful. the 2nd semester was algebra and it was a bit more treacherous but i passed. Then came a non-native english speaker teaching me math and suddenly it was plummeting down the cliff again and UnauthorizedWithdrawl land. THEN barely passing the following semester with a C? an easy class of shapes and geometry... something about those tests going horribly wrong again... anyway this is what i think of when i think of getting a job- or a different job, or finding a way out of myself and a job. i think impossible. i think panic. i think incompetence. and perpetual failure. i do not think positively. i think of people not being able to communicate with me or understand me and something going horribly wrong btw enjoying the learning, game and formulas of it all too the testing out of it all. so any machivellian plan to get me to some other place by well meaning people is going to meet with all of this behind it. is all i'm saying. it is not so easy as "have you thought of... " and "what about..." or "you just need to..."

but anyway enough of that. enclosed please find the following photos over the last part of september.

here i am embracing that fad i told you about. the red ones were cutting off my circulation but such is the price of fashion.


see on my face that sweet smell and light of freedom: the commute after 3months alone is really getting to me and so is the consuming of my days by such hours... esp now its getting darker sooner.

here i am toasting to someones engagement. she didn't text me back. perhaps she thought i was just flaunting the free tea at my yoga studio in her face. i was not. but i have learned my lesson. on a more positive note, they have the most beautiful arrangements... i suppose it makes up for the exorbitant prices per class? i know not.

here i am impressed with my phone at the hbowl. for the s/m/s/along. i mean seriously amazing. also did i mention there is a cross on the hill to the upper right and the harvest moon was rising over it into the night sky. seriously epic.

g4ntwrk. gotta love the boys play space. this is where i play wiitennisnow.
this is vine/hwood roughly as i come into the city from heinous traffic to more street traffic. aka also heinous traffic. though this gap is fairly optimistic.

here i am on mid/wilshire. i had 2 walk like 2 blocks as there was some war with all the foodtrucks outside my office and the other food business places... but then i got to see this. which apparently is the berlin wall? i only worry cuz now it just looks like modern art. same problem i had at the nixon and regan museums...

please note the spectacular skies ... we doNOT get clouds often esp if you're not at the beach. march and october are good months for these magical things, but do note we do not take them for granted. obviously the black sign is representative of the more negative aspect of having to actually go to work in juxtaposition to such beauty. (driving south east)

this was after it rained 2 drops or so that night. the dramatics! so rare a sight.

i just like this design studio...mom texted me the same rainbow she saw... her's was loveliness. we were thinking along the same lines. sometimes...this is where i get on the freeway most everynight. its pretty spectacular lighting. usually just blue.

oh and how did i not load pics of the shoes?! luckily i have a couple on my work desktop to show you... (oh and its not a prison. thats the bathroom that has yet to get new tile. ahem. please focus on how awesome the shoes are.

dear m,

I’ve been working here and there on embracing What Is, or specifically, What Can’t Be Changed, and one of those things is the weather. I really can’t say I’ve made much progress, because as you well know, I wilt in the heat, and today and yesterday have been heated. And it’s made me not very happy at all. It totally does affect my mood, or at least that’s what I assume the problem is at the moment. So, not that this will work or anything, but I thought I’d try a *pro* list of sorts re: changing weather. The thing about our weather is that it’s like a see-saw. It’s up, it’s down; unless it’s summer, it never stays the same. I can think of a lot of cons here, one of which is wardrobe, although practically speaking, I guess it’s all about layers. The biggest con is prime sick weather, because 20-degree shifts over a day or a week provide an optimum environment for germ development. I’m not sure why this is, but it’s true. Erratic weather simply messes with you, and in fact, I constantly feel like I’m fighting something. My throat, for instance, has had that sore spot on it for like, 4 weeks now. And my sinuses are always either filled feeling if it’s warm/lukewarm out, or dry, if it’s cold and the heat is on. Anyway, the point of this post was to do the opposite of whining about the weather and What Is, so here I go:

Reasons Why Erratic, SE Coastal Weather ROCKS

• Variety! I hear it is the spice of life. You get a few days of brisk cold, where you can wear a scarf and a heavy jacket and someone is always burning some leaves (one of the world’s most wonderful documented smells), and days later, you are back in flip-flops and a skirt. Weee!
• It never really gets THAT cold. Bitter, bitter cold is no fun. I’ve lived in upstate NY and Chi, and I can totally attest that any amount of time spent outside in the bitterness just plain hurts. Especially if it’s windy.
• Whenever it snows, if it does snow (boo), it never snows enough to require shoveling. And that’s a plus, because you know, J.Lo’s back isn’t great, and I sure don’t want to shovel, either.
• We get plenty of rain in there. And the garden loves rain.
• We also get plenty of sun, and the garden loves sun! Who doesn’t love sun. Why, just the other day, I got a little sunburn on my shoulders…
• You can technically go to the beach year-round. Which granted, I don’t do, but whatever. It’s there, as an option.
• Even if the weather completely sucks and never does what it’s supposed to, the mountains aren’t that far away for visiting… And I totally am, in December! I hear there’s warm cider there.

Am I convincing you yet? Please assist, as perhaps I am not the best list-maker for this topic. I feel it’s wishy-washy at best.

love, penelope

pinecone, caked with pollen

That’s how thick it gets around here. It’s the most beautiful time of the year, weather-wise, but also the most vexing. This yellow powder dusts every imaginable surface outside and (if the windows are open, which they should be in these perfect temps) inside.

Scratchy throat, watery eyes, and ah-choo!

take me home

Today, December 28, it was 76 degrees and sunny. We’re at the beach down South, what do I expect? It’s just not my cup of tea, let’s say, for it to be so warm in the so-called winter. I like seasonal weather. And also, I like a little landscape. Tomorrow, for the third time in the space of 3 weeks, I’ll be driving up to RDU, which has got to be one of the most boring 2 1/2-hour rides on earth. I’m not complaining about the purpose of each trip, but blah, it’s just sodamnboring, that drive. To me, it would go so much faster if there was something to look at, other than flatness and what I swear are the same groups of pine trees  flanking the road, repeated in cluster units for two-thirds of the way there.

This weather just reinforced an idea that had popped into my head about a week ago: We will move to the mountains before our golden years. I swear we will. I didn’t grow up in the mountains, but there were a lot of hills up there in upstate NY, and very seasonal weather, so I always feel at home in those NC mountains. And after 12 years here, I’m thinking that NC is turning out to be a pretty cool state. I feel like it’s the best of both worlds, the mountains, and we will get there. It’s all about timing, and determination, and the burning desire to wear scarves and mittens and hats in the month of December. To live in a little landscape.

um, by pen

It’s currently raining out there WAY more than that alleged hurricane a few weeks ago. Which is fine, really. I like rain. I like chillier temps. Except, IF THE POWER GOES OUT TONIGHT,

I WILL NOT BE HAPPY.

It IS only the biggest night in television.

Something to keep in mind, Universe.

All Hail

On Monday, K.Lo, N.Lo, and I were out of town visiting my parents, so the kiddos could play with their cousins, and while we were away, there was apparently one hell of a random, freak hailstorm? And just in our neighborhood, oddly. I'm kind of glad we missed it, as I'm not a big fan of storms (mainly the noise); however, it may be the closest our lawn will ever come to seeing some white precipitation. Here are some pics, brought to you by J.Lo.

Yup, it rained anyway.

"Divination is one of the most imprecise branches of magic. I shall not conceal from you that I have very little patience with it." -Professor McGonagall, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Substitute "weather forecasting" for "Divination," and "science" for "magic?" And that is how I feel about it all. I am never consulting weather.com again. It just makes me crazy with all its predictions and percentages and accu-weather bollocks, and you know what? It's all just going to unfold the way it's going to unfold and you can't do a thing about it.

I know you guys like weather.com, and that's fine. I promise not to judge you. But I find it very, um, "wooly," and I am done.

ugh.

This is like, the worst week ever to have a yard sale, but I'm doing it anyway. I need to have this yard sale, and unload the ten tons of crap that I have accumulated in the shed and guest bedroom onto the buying public. The Rescue Mission will get the leftovers, which reminds me that I need to call them and arrange for a pick-up. It's all just so complicated, and I can already tell the day is going to be a nightmare on our end, between getting up at some ungodly hour, juggling the children and the setup, dealing with earlybirds and other neighborhood freaks. What if that lady came around to this yard sale too, omg. You can bet I'll blog about it. In the meantime, I am up to my eyeballs in assorted coffee mugs, can openers, coffee pots, clothes, curtains, VHS movies, books... price tags, signs, boxes... and a not-so-stellar weather forecast. Anyone know an anti-rain dance? Please advise. Because it has to be this weekend, our yard sale. The ad says so, the yard sale gods say so, I say so.

Dear Yard Sale Gods,

Please let the weather be dry, the set-up effort somewhat coordinated. Please let me step out of the house wearing something more presentable than pajamas and baby spit-up. Please let us rake the money in. Thanks forever.

Love,
Penelope

findings, by m

Good Afternoon. We apologize for deluging you with words after a month gone. And with no flashy new spins or whistles. The second week we were gone my heart got all achy for the blog. But then as with most neglected things I upped my netflix que, started drinking and tried to fill the hole with anything but words. By now I'd been so long away that I couldn't remember what it was to blog or why and I drank less and started working out more. Then I started getting twitchy and as pen and I phrase it "spirally" as in downward because having now been out of work for a month not all my problems were spontaneously fixed, not all the things on my list were crossed off, and things were stacked up high in my mind and i couldn't quite see my way clear to be excited about the blog or to study for french and all i watched was MurderSheWrote. Pen insists my malaise might be due to watching copious amounts of SixFeetUnder but I insist that my mom not having life insurance is up there along with my dad being an asshole along with the kitchen and the bathroom being a shithole along with it being winter along with our book not being finished or me not wanting to work or my waistline or my age or my single status or well just about everything i could suck into the dark matter vortex. Because one thing like not working might be the event but all these other things become echoes until the horizon is chalk full of a whiny gooey mass. Though the upside of rain is that the drought is over and that the paint that got into my hair is water soluble, i think... and that the sun is out before you know it and Spring around the corner. Just writing that in this little form makes me feel all sorts of grounded and normal. I can feel myself being more productive already.

spotted in the hood

A cold front is blowing in today, making for some wacky weather here in ILM. Earlier this morning it was blue-sky sunny but wind was already picking up, with the air slightly chilled. A few hours later it's gray and just has that look of "storm" about it. With it, a kooky, what I assume to be homeless woman walks up and down the street outside our house, having a meltdown because her armload of trash keeps blowing away.

The woman is middle-aged, wears a pair of jeans and raggedy sweatshirt, and generally has that air of "disheveled" about her. I don't know if she really is homeless, or if she is, wtf she's doing around here--there's just no place to really go. But she's carrying an armload of trash with her, mostly crumpled up paper, and spends about half an hour engaging in the following routine:

walk a short distance
lose some paper
drop all the paper
bend at the waist and hang there for several long moments, as though entirely defeated
pick up a few wads of paper
lose that, too
watch paper blow away
march another short distance, looking pissed
pick up paper
lose paper
watch paper blow away
march in a circle at intersection, now holding canvas bag--not sure where bag came from
pick up more paper
lose it
stand for several long moments, gazing in distance, holding hair in pose of frustration
march away
look angry
wave a few cars to move on past her while she stands in the middle of the street
leave paper in pen's yard (THANKS)
skulk away down the street before pen can work up nerve to snap a picture

this moment in time brought to you by penelope

K.Lo: teething again, or still, or whatever. I feel bad for the kid because several are popping through at once, they take forever (weeks, months), and her gums are all swollen. She's just not her usual charming self.

N.Lo: getting bigger every day, and he's a kicker. Predict foot will be coming out of mouth by October.

Pen: tired, increasingly uncomfortable with sciatica, heartburn. Less patient than usual. And whiny, clearly. Not my usual charming self.

K.Lo and Pen together: a weary team. Outings are generally mishap-filled, so we tend to stay home these days. We watch Elmo until our eyes bleed.

House: pretty clean, but I gave up on the vacuuming and a few other things here and there. Should be presentable for kudzu, who is visiting today (yay!). Though really I doubt she cares about a few (or more than a few) wayward dustballs.

Outside: Scorching. Blazing. Ridiculous. I don't remember a day or series of days this hot in recent years. I mean, yes, it's August and it's North Carolina, and I'm hotter than usual this year with preggo heat. But sheesh. Yesterday, something was burning in ILM, and the air just felt like fire.

Cookies: lost again. Except not in that way. I baked a batch of banana-oatmeal-raisin-coconut bars (tasty!) for K.Lo's play group today, and when we left, I put them on the top of my neighbor's car. I predict they are somewhere in Castle Hayne, scattered roadside and hopefully not causing a scene. Whoops.

Top Chef: fun and fantastic as usual, but I wish that they did make the crabcakes, for one, and also that Sara would go home, because she annoys me. And Howie doesn't, strangely. Tom Colicchio grows on me more and more with each season. But it's all still not enough; I eagerly anticipate the fall lineup.