Mornin',

So i've made some of my first home pressed coffee by Peets. How long do you let it steep normally? The taste is all right. I wouldn't say resplendent- but good if I double the recipe. Like 4 scoops instead of 2. Is that excessive? I can't help it. I have allergies. Thee breathing smelling/taste thing? My eyes are red and I'm snarfing and hacking. Which makes me think I need to eat more honey if that does in fact work. I'm eating an apple and've had an egg and 2 ezekial bread toasts which would be better if there were nuts baked into the bread but anyway. And i'm watching the office- I'm not sure if it needed to be 40minutes long especially since Jim's sacrifice continued throughout the episode to make Pam seem like a selfish deluded hosebeast who had hopefully no one on her side- as it seemed as the episode progressed that there really is NO going back. Even for fictional characters. Am I right? And then when Andy was like... blah blah blah follow your dreams and Jim didn't even catch the correlation? Or was he just putting on a brave face? I do love davidwallace. And oscar and angela and the bit with stanley and phyllis at the end. Nice. I think the heavy actor issue of whether andy would be a success or not was a bit irritating-  especially since he is already "successful"- it would've been much better to have a discourse about inital fame and then what do you do "after"...

Meanwhile it's suppose to be blazing today which i'm not happy about because my body finally adjusted and i'm no longer freezing so that 95 is actually really hot and wilting- yesterday i attempted to do something and i was like ugh no. I do continue to move my parents a few boxes at a time. Progress is being made I have to believe. Though it doesn't really seem like it. Which messes with my productivity meter. But really bit by bit. Here we go on down the lane. Like my dad came over yesterday and was like blah blah LATER. As if the time was not now. Me being back is NOW. I am the ball in motion. Be the ball. Roll. You can do it. You're almost there.

The other day i rounded the corner to my bathroom and i was suddenly struck by my feeling 'old'/er now staunchly in my late 30's. And my drivers appointment made on the 8th (a bit late) so i can take that new picture- the one that hopefully will show a benchmark on the way down the lane. And who really knows what to do with myself. And there's a bump on my chin that was a blemish once and i think officially scarred? And is now a permanent discolored bump which drives me nuts. It's like if i were to make an analogy about Stanley from pro/run finally making it after a 3rd try out and then being so completely off his game that it was disasterous... and patricia and her trees? are you serious? I'm with Nina- wacky, whimsy but cohesion and sophistication- come on. Worst season of pro-run ever. Though i did love that zak guy. I guess I am in the right place to be the person I am. LA.

What else... oh puppy spaying and my cats all have fleas. Which they do and are now medicated on the necks waiting it out. Oh corruptable nature. with its nits, fleas, bedbugs (ambers apt complex), lice and cockroaches and ants and mites and whatever else... you just have to shake your head at. And thank a tidy 1st world order that eradicates such things.

Allright, let me go beeee productive. Or think about being productive? It's hard to say. Maybe i'll just stare at stuff and watch the day go by. Decisions, decisions.

m.


ps. for bruckner i think i'd actually ... hmm i could google image it and guess the address. that might be fun.



 

Go,

The oscillating is like this- moving fast, humming and vibrating but not matching my surroundings. Out of time. Responding as if the wall of physical space and time were still there. Finding in a certain sense others behaving the same. So much cultivation to do, reclaiming, and grooming, and re-inventing. The lists are so long. But,

I find myself here. Unable to think much or move. The updating and progress of my days comprised of conversations I can't seem to hold onto, a familiarity that dismisses the absence, of doing this and that, and staring into space. but then again... it's only been 23 days? But then in that amount of time in another context I'd moved every few days down the length of a country... but then my time here has been no less profound- its just masked. What i should be doing is writing postcards. Maybe that will help.

dear oldsame,

I call to you across the waters, across the farawaylands, as my dragon self breathes fire. It stretches itself on the beach and lances lychees with each talon and orders rum with coffee and hurumphs and sighs with no other dragons at all to play with. It snorts as it lifts its head to the breeze, knowing that even though it's the last place on earth it would want to be- dubbed a 'hedonistic beach party' by LP, it is in some sort of paradise. It is reminded that though it's alone it has some sort of larger purpose, and doesn't want to be ungrateful for the places it's got to fly and see- even if it longs to be in the mountains or at a different beach... or not be a lone dragon anymore, like something mythical and extinct.

The lunar new year dawned as I slept in my cave at the perfume grass hotel. A much better place if I'm going to be made to pay $20 a night. (up from $11). Roused only briefly to hear the dissonance of all the noise being made- deliberately to chase the bad spirits and luck of the old year away. And invite the new. I went back to bed as the fan circled overhead and the old tile and wood stood solid against time.

Yesterday I drove myself a little crazy- I had the joy of seeing my 2 paychecks +flight come in. Paid. And finished with the workplace.  I paid off a creditcard and some bills, with money to spare--I was excited to start executing and accomplishing. I then descended into internet scheduling hell of coming and going from laos. Which I still haven't figured out. And coming and going from here. Which I still haven't figured out. And even though there's an immediacy I suppose I have time and i'm going to have to leave it to God to determine when I get to Saigon and to Cathy on the 15th. And of course it's His business why i'm here even if it's not exactly mine. The only 2 things besides that was washing my face and looking up to see a lychee fruit stuck in my hair. (Which mildly amused me and perhaps made God laugh outright.)And finding no satisfactory postcards to send to anyone. I guess there's no point in trying to move in such a time of transition from the dragon to the snake. My year is over and Cathy's begins. Apparently without a spring. They call it a blind year. I got two. Yours is coming old same. One more year. Trod and gallop on.

Anyway I've meandered away a good couple hours here. It's time to stretch the legs and move even if i can't quite leave yet. I'm excited for you and your puppy. What's with the name? And the car- what are you going to call it? I can't even believe the louse situation. Pretty outrageous. Did you watch the SP episode yet, or at least have jlo watch it... I don't sound outraged on your behalf but I am. I blame the calming effects of the rum and the sensory pleasing effects of the coffee. Self medicating one step at a time. Though the music has been much too loud. I need a break.

Huff. Black streams snake into the air and are pulled apart. And up I go.
My love, M.

oh friend, hello.

i did some sewing today, some lintrolling, some postofficing and i rallied and got all the decorations out of the attic... it was a close one there. it was right on the fringe of who cares christmassmishmish. but i lit a fire in the fireplace and put some music on and made the living room a right and proper festive place. mom still hasn't come home with a tree but i have hopes for tomorrow. i would say i could just bring myself a christmas tree but whats the fun in that, and honestly now that the credit card is gone it hurt that 17.68 i spent at the post office today. but then i felt that i really do want to continue to send mail. so...

also i'm a little jealous of your fb photos. mostly because its like fb knows more about you than i do. totally irrational i know- but i'm suffering loss right now.... so i can't be expected to not be petulant and demanding. i'm unsettled that you're unsettled. though by the looks of it more settled than before. but i can't picture you there. despite the pictures. also i'm currently debating the quilting idea we settled on... do i quilt the logcabin pattern or a large and awesome dragonfly each square? ach.

otherwise my other thought today involved the question if i was infact really addicted to being jobless or if i'm perpetually traumatized and thus it mkaes me detach from the fear associated with the cliff. i can't decide. or making much sense. at times like these i crave pancakes and french toast. and the sugar i've been having lately- last night after this chocolate sorbet i was like , ugh ... agh... binge. it was tasty with walnuts but still. the hot shower didn't solve the problem and i couldn't fall asleep for the ringing humming stuffed left ear thing until i put the music on loud. and then i woke to the sound of the cat puking. now he's trying to get me to groom him because he's been misted all over by the non-rain.

ok, i better go.
m.