Oceans,

I do love Ray Bradbury and was thee favorite of my youth. (Bruckner references his adoration in an actual blog!) There is something about him that is absolutely magic and he captured Fall so perfectly- in it's haunting transcendence, passage of time and of youth in such a way that still makes me look at the wind and a full moon with a measure of awe and mischief. He names mystery so well, the small things that become extraordinary. The big things that must be something. Must break out his short stories and read them for October.

I think on that note I can talk about the ocean. It was a gaping yawning absence. Each time I viewed it an ache in my chest appeared, stranded, wincing as the last hope of rescue disappears from the horizon. The hand reflexively soothes the constriction in the muscle. Your face draws in to frown but you think, they wouldn't have seen you anyway. You feel oddly condemned. The hand knowing the tensing pull of the neck goes there also and ministers to it, before it flings itself down and tells you there is nothing more to be done, but that the legs, they should do something. Maybe take you from this tragic spot. But your legs reluctant fold instead so that you can stare fixed on the blue slashed horizon with the posture of someone who still hopes, and waits.

At this point there must be something to do. Smoke. Eat. Talk. Sleep. Tan. Something to fill that longing absence. Text. Anything to not be alone. Its the same condition that strikes us and leaves coffee houses filled at dusk, that restless nervous feeling of things done, of things undone. It's at this point I feel we are all without fully knowing, longing for eternity and fearful of death. We can sense that tenuous pull of the horizon and we wonder. We feel displaced and I think in ourselves we lose confidence, a slight unmooring, and erosion of our self-reliant existence.

Now this is not always true. But I began to see the juxtaposition of my heart when it went to the mountains and felt anchored with glory and not absent from it, as the monoliths all stretched heavenward and my eyes and soul with them. It seemed an obvious place for rejoicing, and not of lost wanderings in the heart. And then just as often I went to the vistas of water pulling out and threading fast into the infinite, and I felt the bottom drop, caught up with knowing God was God but feeling very far from him, and resenting him for it.

So naturally I move to an island, as I've said before, where my body plays out what it has felt and known all along, akin to my playing out my spiritual landscape ala volcano tours of yore. Water water everywhere and none of it to drink. I'm sure it's akin to a spiritual desert and daring God to show up. And God not to be outdone in my unconscious movements responds that in the vast and the deep he resides also, but not just from afar. But close enough to be caught up in his touch. So that now, as I had met him everyday for months on the desolate and windy shores of jeju, silent and tired of talking, trusted that he would be there even if I had very little to say, I find myself reconciled to him and the ocean too.

I've been a handful of times and I'm looking for it. That reflexive ache. It's not there any longer. I move freely. I rejoice. I say hello God, here you are. I'm here also. I'm not sure why the change was important. Except the Father cares very much that I know he is close to me, so that the little girl in me can feel bounded up by his love in a way that simply has never been. I find this coming towards Home too. Not feeling alone here. Not feeling absence but presence- so that these things are not merely projections or prayers thrown off a cliff but an exchange of words to someone who is sitting next to you on the couch. I don't know.

But place is important is it not?

xo, m.
 

Old-Same,

How do you fare?

It's been a long time since I've written. In coming home I've lost the lodestone of me. I'll find it again. We'll have more to say. Things not just whirling around. For the record, you and me, we're dancing around big topics. Spiritual things. Encounters. Tests. Tremors and upsets. Divides. Course setting things i feel- that will when we look back upon our letters be unwritten and the weight of the unwritten, oh my. That's where we betray ourselves. Or simply cannot find words to say. I understand. I've spent two months speaking, but I almost wonder if Jeju will ever come up again. It must? Rocksolid was the change. I tell people: it was a challenge. it was anxiety of the body divorced of the mind. I didn't feel safe. I meditated on the rocky shores almost every day for months and again and again the word - safe. I felt drawn to intimacy with Jesus. I understand, as John the Baptist did that he could die knowing that Jesus was the one who was to come- he didn't have to look for another. I wept at the thought. The time was about abandonment of self into God's hands. Walking the way of holiness. Coffee. One day being delivered into God's heart. Feeling encompassed. Feeling able to love fully the place He had put me. And then the journey and travel of it all- the rest. And then i came back. And everyday seemed much the same as a long time ago but different anxieties, looking peripherally at the job. Bothered but not that i don't own a pair of jeans. That i need a queen mattress. That there's nothing in my room but a bed and a tv. I don't have a cellphone, or a dayplanner. I don't even know if i can hold onto the things that have passed. past. And my nails are splitting. I'm drying out all over. I'm weirded out over the prospect of gaining weight. I don't know where the footholds are. Or where in the house I should be.

And between those things, I'll just mention for myself that I had an encounter with a lightening rod of God. (at the conference aut invited me to) I said to her, oh my, you're a lightening rod. She said, keep receiving unless you're driving. It built up till the next day and poured over for hours. I saw the heavens. There was an angel behind danica. I was in tears. After, taken up, tired and calm. The next day burning with God's love for you, for anyone I saw. And then there was the tea, and J speaking in tongues. And the church conflict- losing the building, the letters, the conversations and dipping back in. And now a womens retreat. And the dreams, the bridal magazine, the prophetic elementary school friend, and the same-sex debate trying to ruin my wedding (that dream). My husband to be, having issues with his top-hat. Not, defined. Oh and my birthday.

Lately I've found God wants me to continue to be relational. people over lists. worship over responsibility. I think He is patently rejecting my concept of projects, and bulldozing. I still don't even know if I'm at my full capacity. It doesn't seem like it as the only thing i got done was cleaning out a linen closet and doing laundry. With plenty of breaks. I've also found there's even less on Tv then there was when I left. I find myself most comfortable in front of the computer. When it's not crashing. I still dont have the cord for the laptop and indeed the lens and my camera are no longer speaking.

It all feels not myself and jumbled.

And my jaw is constantly clenched. Yoga helped a little bit this morning. But still i barely relaxed and even though i tried to close my eyes after battling sentient military ships via xbox... i just couldn't. I kept playing. Oh and meanwhile the house- kitchen cabinets mostly gone through, j's couch where the old one used to be and a middleages inspired bench where the stereocabinet was. My grandfathers navy chest where the sidetable used to be. So it comes, it goes- it's evolving. Soon what once was will be gone and what comes will be what is.

Ok, i'm off to pick popcorn out of my teeth and hydrate. Oh and watch ONCE. THe office is making me so angry. Just nevermind. I did see the end of AR by the way- but i just didn't know or care much about who to root for.

m.
-for later: postcards, the everyday.

Dear Penelope, [part 1-departure]

Much has transpired in the last week, that were I try to recount it all, it might bore us all to death, but of course that's exactly what I'll try to do... the processing must begin somewhere.

 First: it was freezing. Let's start there. And I had shipped my coat the day before. It took a bit to determine what layering combination would work best. My last day of work. My least favorite student wasn't there and as i stared at her empty seat i realized my other least favorite student hadn't been there the day before either- at which point my eyes gazed heavenward to God's infinite mercy. And there were lots of last looks from students coming and going and smiles and waves. And there the day went rather ordered, and the end rather awkward where sg tried to first shake my hand then hug me. She's been isolated I feel for far too long. As she thanked me somewhat matteroffactly and said she was bad at these things. That was after first wanting to keep me the full hour at the end of my day, then saying no i could go, and then rescinding the offer since she didnt want to finish my grading for me. It was my fault since I should've just thrown them away in the first place or not even tortured the students with them, and saying rather idiotically that it was "challenging but i'm glad i did it". As it is I was treated to my last greentea bingsu by my coworkers with cranberry decked egg tarts and a cappachino. And then home to pack. And mtoo trying to induce me to stay at a lovemotel. Oh godhelpme.

Second: I met Yesal and Sara for a last cuppa at the coffee farm. Divine. And then onward to the yearlongwait for the early dweller settlement village. She tried to charge us and seemed puzzled when we told her we lived on the island. We sat in a hut, we froze, and then we went to eat fried chicken. It was amazing. Cut up, eaten with our fingers and chopsticks, and pickled radishes on the side. I crave it even now. I should've paid attention however to the subtle signs of Jeju trying to reject me, but one remains optimistic despite because the good of the coffee and chicken outweigh. Because then after not finding socks and a 1/2 hour wait at a bank that wouldn't help me close my account we played the worst 2 hours of smbrothers ever, only to be outdone by going to Jeong-ehs for the last time and being told we couldn't sit because there wasn't any room and then being obstinate about it we stood there until in a savingface sort of way they allowed us to crowd in once they saw we weren't leaving. Then there was being overcharged 7,000w at the sushi place and yeasl being forced to intermediate with her k-skills. and leaving tearful because they were basically assuming she was a liar. So we just left. And then the startled look of the server at the pajon place who just seemed terrified to encounter foreigners again! It was best that we called it an early night. Though it ended on a lovely note with an almost tearful goodbye to the innisfree lady saying she would never forget me. We took our picture together. Yeasl bought me a nailpolish named Caseopia. Stardust and paintspeckles all in one.

Third: The last day. It was one of those things with a whole bunch of very quiet introverts and Mtoo. Sentries and unsatisfying hurried goodbyes. Where i was too tired or frazzled or emotionally brimming for proper goodbyes or gushing farewells. My last breakfast delicious. My too heavy pack. 18.5kg. The last giveaways. Giving sg the key as mtoo waited in the taxi. Getting edgy with her speaking korean which complicates things because then instead of being succinct in our directions it becomes a convoluted guessing game- where is mini-mil? Do you mean here? There? Oh hell! We arrived early. They wouldn't let us in until we waited 10minutes after and began knocking and drawing sad faces. Dammit mini-mil! Honestly!

We played speed scrabble. We had a taste test of americano v. my dutch handdrip. Obvious difference even in the blindtastetest with cookie palette cleanser. Delight.  Agoodmoment. And then mtoo giving me a hard time for being on a budget in seoul while i'm on vacation. Which almost made me lose it and finally came to a point where i told her she had to stop or else. At which point she realized just this once, that it wasn't going to, shouldn't be all about her. Or otherwise there would've been some rather unpleasant things said, as I shook my head looking tearful and violent about it all being a bit too much. Since though only expressed with an occasional "i'm sad" my whole earthy self was being displaced and oozing into the ocean. That said, despite protestations that we could stay longer I felt already that we could delay the inevitable no longer. So we hailed a taxi and mtoo and me went off into the afternoon. I was able to text Y later to express dissatisfaction at the rather hurried half hugged departure. I blame mtoo for disrupting the balance but then without her it wouldve been hard to drag myself away from the combined loveliness of e, y and s. And emily insisted i take her jacket to seoul. Aww...

Anyway, till tomorrow.
Part 2... i know. wait, what there's more!? oh hell! in writing and catching up I will perhaps find myself back in the present where i belong. Eating lychees out of a bag and chocolate bark and trying to fight sleep because it's only 930.

my love, m.

 

#28 (recap)

What do you think about what bruckner is saying? I mean, what he does mistake is love and the heart. Sure sure maybe a careless mistake- but I don't want my heart trampled on. My love I gave. Love can be trampled. But my heart? No. Even in that there is something ventured- to love, and to love without return. Even in chosing not to, is not inaction. It's not cowardice. It's wisdom. I don't know. He's no one i'm headover with. Remember the volleyball player? Sigh.

Anyway so the SLEEPOVER,
(sidenote the owner isn't here but some new girl. and the drinks aren't done and she's on the phone with someone. i'm concerned for the actual delivery of the coffee into our hands. It's been like 8minutes and the two people before me haven't gotten their coffee either.)

Apparently there was lots of conflict over where to go and who to go with and then there was no room at the inn and then suddenly our chief- the one in charge for the activity as ive encouraged people to elect different leaders per outing- said decisively that we would all be heading over to my house. But some people hadn't read the entire thread, there were side threads, and I myself being consiliatory encouraged them to go to a pension near me if they didn't want to say. So needless to say 3 people brought no bedding whatsoever and the one thinking about everything got yelled at (sjt) by C, and she's the one who brought expensive bulgogi while the others ordered pizza which delayed them even further. Of course and the beauty about the roaming church as ive come to call them is that they all let go of their issues for the most part though i sensed the undercurrent, (ive gotten my coffee, thankfully), and we were able to do a smattering of singing, meditating, and facial masks- the boys were good sports. I gave C a manicure. We gave R,H, and C mud facials. And I got them all to bed too late and the wind was howling and who got sleep? Not me. Not everyone really- and we were all too polite to wake each other up on 4 hours of sleep or whatever it was we got. It took me 2 days to recover.

Though sara takes the cake for ridiculousness having left us a note that she was going out in 30degree weather. She came back 2 hours later saying, i wanted to see how many coffee places i could find until you woke up (in a smalltown by the way)- i literally said, that's ridiculous. We were all up. And I would've stopped you but I didn't know you were actually going to leave the house. As Harris and I were texting, and giggling, and poor Yeasl thought i was meditating so it was all quiet time until 9am when the loudspeaker across the street went off telling us to vote and then near to 10 we finally got breakfast started. It was a good bounty anyway. And a few of us after went on a hike, where we made a snowman who couldn't stand up- the snow was too light and fluffy and a couple men walked by and said, you should tell him to wake up. It was hilarious at the time. Then mandatory footbath and coffee. (Also some awesome buddhist monks just sat down next to me. Love.) Then back to my house where we watched Miracle on 34th street and ate more food.

Then it was back to work for two days. Total blur. Then saturday. Where it was weird trying to meet up with kris and vivian and where we got no hiking in whatever but an hour- irritating. They have this way of just not saying what they're doing if it doesn't include you which makes you feel they're deliberately trying to exclude you. I actually got pretty upset and was like why don't you go without me until kris called me and was like, no come on get on the bus. And i was like UGH. Anyway, then a spending spree at innisfree. Toner. Cream. Lotion. Oil. This will be my new post korea beauty regimine- to recover? destress? ;) luxuriate... meeting with yeasl and meaghan for pizza. and then coffee and prayer. I'm EXHAUSTED.

And while C is a constant and annoying source of conversation so is my former flatmate and the fact that she got 2nd degree burns on her foot - as i've been pleased with myself to say that while the island is trying to kill her the people are trying their best to put her back together again), and who's leaving the island and when and what are we going to do next before we all go and what vacations people are going to take and whatever else.

Then SUNDAY. . . there was church and lunch, and coffee and then a POTLUCK. Good LORD.

We got driven out to the middle of nowhere where the wordoflifebiblecollege people are- they're the ones who run the foreign service at church... we ate too much food, and i just sort of laid there and didn't have much to say since we were all on the floor in a bigroom- it was heated, and it was snowing outside... and then it was OVER. and we got driven back. and then i had to work the next day.
TBC.
m-

On a bit of a Spree,

Babycakes, pretty sure it's your turn. I mean yes allegedly you have some extermination issues, (i meant this in both senses knowing i think what i know now, because i am psychic...) but woman i gave you an assignment (narnia, was a challenging place too). Pull up your bootstraps and let's blog on sister! (catchy no? i totally feel mean now but i have to leave it here.)

Right now i'm eating some choco-almond cookies and drinking tea and watching Once, and trying not to retroactively sink into mourning the mondayz of today with that ill feeling of excess cookie eating. It isn't working. I stopped myself almost in time. And after the car renting, vase making, oerum climbing, mug painting, delicious sam-gye-tang eating, 2 bad lattes, sinus rhinitis, a wind storm, mcdonalds, groceries, basket theft, shorts haggling, dongmoon rotary wandering, and staying up late i was ready for the weekend to end because well becauSE. I'm tired. And i stayed up way too late.

 I'll stop here and wait for you to respond. And drink my hot water, because I keep doing that sad cough cough of the non-productive but irritated variety. And of course I came home and was like, yah right, i'm not going to YOGA. And why for the life of me do i keep staring at the clock! Stop it.

Random list:
-6 people have told me they felt lonely. SIX.
-CD was skipping a bit so i took it out to inspect it in the car of epic wandering and much expense, and then it refused to be acknowledged like the car broke up with it. I was so sad.
-seriously those lattes sucKED.
-i'm excited about my shorts. they rock.
-i needed to feel normal this weekend and just GO. it was worth it.
-pictures forth coming in a mome in the usual places.
-budgets and ticket purchasing forthcoming. one can hope.

xo, your turn to assign me. not assignate me. that's different.

#9

I thank the Lord the week has veritably flown by in my mental imagination. Though let me tell you last night, I interrupt the students for talking- i am such a bad teacher- and Eun hee is like teacher, no, i'm telling a story about a student who die. What happened, I ask. Teacher, two friends at ara..highschool. The one girl, say let's both jump. on the ... do you know what is this? Yes, the roof, the ledge. Yes. (they are always surprised at how much i understand sometimes) Of school building. Why!? Scorecards perfect teacher, 80 and above in all subjects. So, we don't know. So, they are there. But her friend, she afraid. And she step down, and girl, while she falling, looking up, they see each other. Eyes. Looking, so she know. And friend she-- what is this-- faints. Yes, teacher, faints, and girl she die, knowing that her friend didnt' die with her. Yes, teacher. (Preceding this was one of my favorite students, Young-bin, asking me, teacher why is life so hard. And i pointed to the head and how it made trouble for us... (the heart also) but there was a gulf where no words of mine could cross.) So sad. Other students, Chin-cha!? (Seriously!/Really!) Heads nodding. And the tragedy of the two friends making eyecontact is so haunting and perfectly part of the korean drama. i don't know... Ok! Well let's go on to discuss descriptive words and the beauty of jeju...!

I was going to actually babble about more upbeat things. But i've managed to damper my own spirits just now even though i just licked the mug containing my delicious caffe latte. Inexplicable. Well ok understandable. But still. Ok list of things i'm looking forward to: pay-day, maybe some volleyball, a package from mom, maybe miscellaneous car rental for the weekend just because oh and to help Meaghan move... Or maybe next weekend, and purchasing ticket to vietnam on saturday after the paydaying goes through. Paying bills. Needing to start a list related to things not to miss now that i'm leaving. I've had further meditations on intimacy as related to the poem, but have no place to put them right now. And what else?

I had another class, suddenly (the girls of course), erupt into accusatory- Do YOU KNOW JEJU! They're only like 12 yrs old maybe? or maybe younger? I can never keep it straight.

These girls, I've come to love the class as a whole, but I am a little bit scared of them. There's 8 students now evenly divided and the girls were about to make me walk the plank. And i asked them- well what about jeju? Do I like it? What? And then i proceeded to list places i knew and the korean food i liked. And then they quizzed me about where places were. It seemed to satisfy them. Mullify them maybe? I don't know. Something's in the water this week. Or always but it just came to the surface. The same class that was talking about suicide made an inditement against the new k teacher that to end up here must mean that her education was very bad. There are sometimes that I wish i understood more and there are sometimes i dont want to hear at all. I'm sure that's with life across the board really. As vulnerable and ignorant as kids are they can be stupid and cruel. (STO) Stating the obvious. There i go again. It's just going to be that way isn't it. Back forth. Back forth.

And then there's headlice to add insult to injury. Having to sacrifice the sublime of handbells to the mess of infested hair. I shake my head exalting in the blue sky and wincing at the wind tattered leaves.

m.

Love,

How are you? I miss you. I feel there's all sorts of dangling narratives we're missing of each other. I mean i know it's impossible to get them all and yet...

I survived today but it wiped me out. I tend to go to school with the attitude of laboring in the fields, and both j and k were like, yes, today- so tired.. such a labor. It does confirm for me that this sort of work is probably not a long term plan at least at this point, but lets see what God does in the next 8 or so, and sg is on me about my grading and it's um not being strict which i know is just the next phase of learning like how to use rewards, and since ive only been doing this for what? maybe 2 months? i suppose it's understandable. But still emotionally exhausting- the classes the kids the meltdowns the arguments the not understanding. There's a couple kids too who are just not nice. It's not even that they're being kids but there's something about them. Not quite you know kids without souls but still. Or is it just that they don't like me? Hum. Also my chi class is gone- so the kid who draws and smells his shoes is gone. Kind of sad. Kind of a relief?  Now, I have to teach catch up classes one/one to kids this round who are fidgets with an air of I don't care. Which is a bummer. Ah the in/outs of hagwans- students just come and go here way too much. And also having to block out sg's comment that since i took this one class over they're going "down"... sigh.

Unrelated news, finished the box of lucky charms even though for the rest i'm waiting for easter to open. And am mostly out of groceries- good thing we order chinese food on fridays. Anyway, the cherry blossoms are blooming- big epic trees along walkways, so lovely. And i guess we're getting the hungergames? so i'll see that for this girls birthday saturday and the day is forecasting sun and shine so i'm hoping for some concetrated out in the elements time. And thus ends week 11 on the island if you can believe it.

Tell me of your world.
m.

hi you,

the recklessness of last saturday gave way to cautionary tales of, yes you're still allergic so no you can't have fish n chips everyweekend. sorry, no. and the ward that is my japanese bobtail, has some eye conjunctivitis that if it won't clear up needs a vet check and she seems like a cat in heat, which gives way to murderous thoughts at night and ipods at loud volumes and chucking pillows and closing windows. which validates all the anxiety i had the very first night i got her. she sits on the very edge of my bed. she knows. and further then deliberately knocks over some things because why are they there she wonders... meanwhile i'm powering through dickens and it's really enjoyable and wonder constantly at how much or how little time i have- not sure what i'm missing out on doing but it's all that ridiculous rhythm finding i despise. i don't find comfort easily.

especially with words. i need the concrete, and so the day off was really godsent and the weather was perfect. and just touching the water and sand made me remember how grounding it really will be as the weather warms and how it will become a central and pivotal point of my peace and not as through winter, my tormenter. of course when i had to go back into work on friday i became violently angry again and further irriated that i still cant wrap my head around paying bills here and banking. luckily the day was consuming enough that i snapped out of it to a good weekend- laundry, painting nails, food, searching the internet for the precise locations of the PO and the bank i need- for another go at the adventure maybe next weekend? or if i'm feeling really spry perhaps in a morning before work. i wonder at the days when my lists will stretch long. . .

and am going to try and remember that i have money coming to me so that the coin that seems to be rapidly flying out of my hand will constrict into a budget come friday and i'll figure all the damn things out and i have after all only been here a bit over a month. on this scrubby godforsaken island! i jest, mostly poor thing. it's been good to me. it did strike me in church today- though the sermon sucked- that my next focus was to have God give me a heart of gratitude for his provision and to be a steward of it right? a proper, ah, life on loan sort of thing. and that though i want to lock the students out of my mind i really should be asking God which ones need prayer and whatever else. let the Lord invade all the far reaching corners right? meanwhile the guy preaching on sin just thinks we need to do all we can do to turn away from temptation and though he did vaguely mention the help of the holyspirit i can't help but think, he thinks, the bulk of the work is done by sheer will and not addressing the heart or the wounds of life... so that if we just cut the behavior/addiction out- poof problem solved. it made me cringe. it did lead to a good conversation with one of the girls here which followed from an even better conversation the day before- naturally i was at starbucks and she was walking by- divine right given that ive only met like 10people on the island. and she messaged me with 'what did you think of the sermon... well let me tell you! i did regret i didn't stick around for lunch but it's a tall order if no one is immediately engaging with you besides offering you donuts you can't eat and pamphlets on monthly devotionals...

and besides my drama professor, i emailed her and she's like - find so and so ! as he lives somewhere on jeju- and i know the island is small but that seems a tall order... though it's tantalizing to me to try and connect to the art community here as an avenue of community over the 20 something church peeps- like that alone might keep me interested and engaged when school becomes a routine of challenge and the ups and downs of success and failure. i wonder at it. anyway, i did yoga sort of before i began to regret that i didn't bring my yoga mat on these now feeling ridiculously hard concrete floors with strange veneers over them and i ate too much pineapple. and how many things can i watch and download in a day and how much can i read, to what walking in the rain!? to how much free cell to really? do i have that much to do? should i be doing something else? surely there must be something... and to say then, hmm, i don't know. i just dont' know. maybe i'll think of something tomorrow. night is the hardest- because it's all piled up and there's no one to call and no one's online- except for a couple blessed exceptions of my early rising east and midcoast friends- sometimes.

allright i have to kill the cat.
brb.
m.

pen-

hello from afar- still have failed in the PO department so these electronic bits willhave to do for now. It's a mellow day. Stayed up late last night and drank ricewine with J- talked about love, and our destinies for the year which for me obviously include steep adjustment curves and saving money? i hope. Then woke at a reasonable time reluctantly and started watching tv and downloading things. i really should see what's on cable but i'm caught up in the world that mr.waffles opens to me. I eventually made it outside- windy/cold- check. Walked along the beach at hightide, found my first seaweed, lots of debris for some reason, which i only think now i should've picked up had i the inclination, and a short bamboo staff which is now at home with me, awaiting inspiration. I segwayed to the lighthouse and had fish and chips and a piece of bread. I know. I'm living on the edge over here now that my pants are looser. My stomach isn't super settled about it- but that could be the coffee too. But i decided to allow myself to have it. I know, what's happening to me.

Anyway the day is calm and J wanted to see if i was down for a movie, but so far i'm still roaming around in my head and online... yesterday i ran out of things to do with the 2 kids- the one who sleeps and the one who is slow but it didn't do my head in like it did last time, and i might as well pause here and then tell you about the trip to the vet later.

i'm back. so stressful. man i have latent vet trauma. my whole being is just like OMG NO. and i know the cat isn't dying and is probably totally fine and it's all going to be ok...and the vet is young and has very kind eyes, and a very pracitcal and complete approach to informing people of what the deal is- the kitten is 2yrs old and yes, a girl. and is malnurished and has some random skin disease from being all malnurished and what not and has probably been surviving on her own for more than a few weeks. And here's this shampoo that costs $40. the hell. And i ask about spaying and the word translation is a bit rough but she gets my meaning and says, but if you don't keep her then that's their choice/problem... i said, yah, true. But she didn't even bring it up with the vet. She says, but probably not pregnant now because of being so malnurished-- hmm. hope so. Then K says, what's her name- and then we start talking about how northern wind has a bad association, which i knew but that was the wind she came in on, and she suggests the name han-nee, like honey but different. And then in the car, she says that I should keep the cat, that it's a blessing and that it chose me. Not obviously in those blunt staccato sentences but that's the sum of it. Ach. Sigh. And she further says without even prompting that when I leave she'll help me with all the vaccinations necessary and to not worry about it.... like it's already done. I don't know.

I came home and fed the cat, said hi to J, who brought me down a glass of wine and i had leftovers. So there we go... there it is. 8-8.

love-

they are sucking me dry.

Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true this very instant, but this week – I had some moments. Like after tending to the sickies for a few days, and then it all seemed to go away and I breathed a sigh of relief. Ah. I made it through without (fully) losing my mind. Now on to birthday preparations, go go! But no, K.Lo was sick, again. But then it was just fallout from her meds, as noted specifically on the side of the bottle. So on to school she went and the world was righted again.

But don’t think I didn’t feel Very Sorry for Myself. I did. I still kind of do. Because these creatures are so very draining. Need need need all the time and then some. All three of them. And then the dog (the one who is nuts) does something completely unacceptable like bite J.Lo, enough to bruise and break the skin. It was while he was testing out K.Lo’s new scooter, and the kids were chasing, giggling and screaming, and who knows what was going on in the Bender’s mind – fun, protectiveness? Idiocy? But now there’s the question landing in my lap of what to do. Sometimes I really hate those questions. The ones you don’t ask for.

Anyway anyway. Even though I’m completely useless tonight and the same last night, I’m not discontent. Lovely celebration of 6 for the little bug. Stayed awake during the latest installment of ProRun. (But not Grey’s, whose ridiculous premise exhausted me after 5 minutes.) Succeeded in cake-baking, with the assistance of new pans, colors and an icing spatula received Christmas. They all work delightfully. And the thieved items from Walmart were flower picks, which I used to hold my Tinkerbell decorations, which I cut from a birthday card.

Church tomorrow. (Will we – you and me – finish our book?) Even though I hate the first Sunday of the month because of the awkward grape juice thimbles. Ugh. I can’t even talk about it at the moment. There is a series of three Newcomers’ Classes, and tomorrow is the first. Which I’m gathering are sort of lectures…? possibly boring? But I’m game.

Sometimes, on the third hand, I feel like very quickly it all becomes toomuchtoask. Like yes, classes. Yes, reception to be received into the church. Yes yes. Wednesday night dinners/fellowship/play practice for kids. Okay. Relay for Life in May? Umm. And related fundraiser Shrove Tuesday WHO’S COMING! WHO’S VOLUNTEERING! Oh and unrelated to church the local kids’ consignment sale that I bank on to get rid of all of our outgrown things? Signup was like 3 weeks ago. Apparently. And the sale is in a month. And I realized at the last sale that I need to give myself a full month to get all my shit together. So. Um.

No rest for the wicked.

But get well, you. And track that ocean – is it a mendacious mood ring? Or simply a beast/beauty upon which to meditate.

lovetoyouinjeju,

pen

P.S. I was totally that attentive kid/melter-downer in kindergarten. That’s me! Aw. The poor little bean. He’ll be fine so long as you are, as you are, consistently kind.

For you my love, Here's to cultural exploration.

dear sunshine,

hello love. i survived the first day. the first class. phew. was fairly calm if not internally what the crap. as SG took pity on me and sent her student helper down to help me take on 11. ELEVEN. kids. some of the kids are pretty on it. others are just staring at you like, yah whatever... and everyone in btw. oh and that one kid who broke down crying inconsolibly- thank god for songin to comfort him or whatever. it was somewhere in the drawing portion that he just couldn't take it anymore. and he seemed at first to be one of the most attentive. i dont know what happened. alas. and SG kept saying how she had seriously considered letting me take her classes today. she wasn't joking. and i'm thinking after having stared at a grammer lesson on something or other i was thinking- riiiighhht. and i can't even say their names let alone remember any of them but min je? and su jin? anyway i'm home and cooking rice and beef bits for dinner tomorrow. i sort of hate having to make pre-leftovers. and i am suspicious of having caught something- the office is crawling in contagion. not that you can sympathize or anything i'm sure. but i keep doing that little oh, surface cough cough. sniff.

also seriously some freakish wind thing came pounding down on my apt last night and i was thinking what can i tie down? nothing but to latch the windows which felt ineffectual. i contemplate your eating muppets comment- and i promise to be better at food documenting soon and i'm horrible at flavor descriptions but i'll try- mmm. muppets. tasty morsel muppets.i had some interesting such thing yesterday. a vegetarian bibimbop... mostly bland but a really excellent soup with tofu? and maybe clam? a good clear spicey broth. . .maybe a type of miso soup, something something. anyway working on it. meanwhile i just burnt my rice bcs i didnt turn the flame down. lame. and the wind is surging through the flu?fluke?flue... of the stove and making noise.

do i stay up another hour or go to bed now... decisions decisions. i have two classes tomorrow. and SG wants to come help me learn how to communicate with the kiddos. ach. was going to do yoga but i think not.

m.

hello from sickland,

I’ll spare you the gory details, but K.Lo had strep Sunday/Monday, and N.Lo was up all.night.long. with a stomach bug last night. Worst nightmare. Luckily the universe allowed a nap for both of us this morning. I am however getting a little tired of the couch and aspire to sleep in myownbed tonight. Also, if you’re listening universe, and I know you do, even if you don’t always answer prayers like a genie-in-a-bottle (as you shouldn’t), it would be super rad if Management avoided same-sickness this week. Any form. Please.

Did you come up with an icebreaker activity for the littles? Favorite color game? Is who stole the cookie from the cookie jar too complicated? Probably. But maybe further down the road. Ring around the rosy? Hokey-pokey? Um, so how on earth do you explain things to them? Just wondering. I do love your k-in-k blog post, it rocks.

My hair continues to be stupid, although I wasn’t entirely displeased with a recent hair-falling-in-my-eyes moment. because that means it’s long enough to fall in my eyes.

I’ve caught up on Downton Abbey and now have to wait/watch each episode every week like a commoner.

I completely advocate the procurement of shows like ProRun in Korea by whatever means possible.

Some of the food you’ve eaten/logged sounds like Muppets. I hope you’re not eating Muppets.

I love that you brought your yellow umbrella. and sheer curtains for your room.

Am inexplicably craving Nutella/PB sandwiches. Although the iron content isn’t entirely shabby with this combo, so maybe that’s why. or maybe it’s because they’re awesome.

I saw an article about amazonian mushrooms that eat plastic! in an anaerobic environment! this excites me.

xoxox

pen

to m on the island,

Oh, culture shock. What fun to witness. I find the internet cord dangling from your building appalling and yet somehow appropriate. I’ll need a picture of that. I mean, I assume the fancy camera made the luggage cut. Because I’m also going to need a picture of that most excellent dish soap, and any other awesomely tag-lined product.

My dish soap, for the record, smells like pet cleaner, and I hate it. It’s secured its place on the Aldi is Wicked Awesome but Dutifully Avoid the Following Items for Purchase list. Also on the list: sandwich bread (lacking in flavor and texture somehow – probably a lack of preservatives and/or dough conditioners), jerky (J.Lo doesn’t like it), men’s deodorant (ditto), toothbrushes and boxed mashed potatoes. That last one I don’t normally ever buy, regardless of the store, but I accidentally picked it up instead of au gratin. It was not a serendipitous mistake.

Your ticking stove reminds me of the running toilet pipe in my Chicago Bldg room. Oh dear.

As to the inevitable wants-creeping-in, perhaps you could picture each whatever-it-is as the Buddha statue I wanted to buy in that weird store in Chicago last February. And you’re me, and then you talk yourself out of it? Because it’s all just *stuff* after all…

So at the moment I’m semi-agitated after finding myself at Walmart over the weekend when I didn’t want to go. But there were food needs, and wrench needs. And whatever-else needs. Stupid ones, I feel sure. I did manage to thief some of those card “picks” from the flower department, so I can use them on K.Lo’s cake. They totally fit the bill for my idea. Which is a surprise, so you’ll have to wait.

Walmart isn’t the best place to feel great about mankind, however.

Also, I started watching “Waiting for Superman” this morning, and that doesn’t make one feel great about mankind, either.

Although allegedly we all belong to each other…

And so you belong to the new littles, and they to you. I hope you adapt well. When do you officially begin?

Other notes: I’ve been on a winter organizing spree, and have thusly conquered my closet, my drawers, our bathroom cabinet, the linen closet, K’s closet – which is now a reading space that I covet. The drawer in the children’s bathroom that was like an explosion of ribbon and sparkly lip gloss. The wrapping paper/gift bag stores. The refrigerator, which I might have previously mentioned in an equally boring post. And this is all building up toward A Conclusion in the form of organizing the craft area downstairs. Which is so overwhelming I’ve taken over a year to ponder it. But when it’s done I’ll also be setting up a table for this alleged sewing machine purchase projected to occur in the birthday month.

If I keep talking about it, someday it will happen.

love to you on jeju

jeju

jeju 

-pen

p.s. ~

I got mail from you today! From America when you were still here. I love the bags, somebody’s mom! I will have to take pictures. And I have to ponder our epic blog headers/printsofus. Framed series? Collage? Make wallpaper for friend in Korea?

also ***very important*** I forgot to mention that my hair is at a highly awkward stage of growth. torment. I mean, they are not just badhairdays. they are stupidhairdays. very, very stupid. whatever, hair.

I got jehovaed this morning. bender barking ferociously in the background, was read an apparently prophetic bible passage. it’s all to be taken literally of course. in case you didn’t know. I took the literature Just Because. it’s very gloomy and presumably God never wants us to have any fun, ever? Yeah. I reallydontgetit.

oh and napoleon dynamite is a cartoon. on sundays. it’s kind of stupid but we keep watching. I mean I do appreciate that many of the characters are voiced by the original actors. at least. and it was all very cartoonish anyway…

tell me what you’re eating over there in jejubes. and more about methods of teaching these little people. and everythingelseinbetween.

while you’ve been out ~

Because I know you’re just dying without the mundane details of penelope’s life. In the meantime, I’m dying without photographical documentation of your journeying. And all the written details in between. Not that your emails thus far haven’t been magical. Love them. Papering your walls, what a clever idea! :-D You could also do blank paper and draw/paint on it. Depending on what you find. We’ll have to brainstorm over video chat.

So anyway, here’s a rundown of current events:

~ I strained my neck/shoulder in old-person Tai Chi at church over a week ago. Lame. It was clearly a waiting to happen crick, but goawayalready.

~ Book club Friday night, Mexi restaurant, a post-holiday reconvene discussing our various book-swap books. Which I didn’t read, because mine was a beachy chick lit book that turned out to be a cancer story. Completely unfair. There were only three of us, but the margaritas were tasty and I think I ate an entire basket of chips. This is not uncommon behavior.

~ Our friends came to visit this weekend, and beforehand L called specifically to see if it was supposed to snow, and I was all, oh – No no. We haven’t had nearly as much as last year, blah blah, forecast says sunny. And then it totally snowed. But it was sort of perfect and we think it was just for us. Because literally during the snow, the forecast still said sunny and there was nary a patch of radar-green within a hundred miles of us. It was just enough to entertain the children and melted by noon.

~ Also I love when good friends invite themselves to visit because I never seem to have to the gumption or wherewithal to make it happen.

~ N has been Mr. Crabby Pants.

~ K’s handwriting is becoming all neat, and she writes sentences. With kindergarten-endorsed “inventive spelling,” but still it’s sort of amazing.

~ One of my mom’s long-lost cousins wrote this book. What! Not like I haven’t been obsessed with that particular topic or anything.

~ I have 11 chapters left of Grain’s book. I love it. We have such talented friends.

~ Related theorizing, which happens every time I edit a friend’s fiction: though a writer, I lack the storytelling gene. Am more of a roundabout, let me take you on a spiral through twenty levels of emotion kind of girl.

~ Heidi and Seal have split.

~ Schrute is getting a spinoff. About life on the beet farm.

~ Ben Folds is reuniting with the Five of legend and lore to make a new album.

~ Have watched all of Downton season 1, am completely enamored. Waiting on season 2 as am feeling picky about the sound quality of PBS vs. Netflix. I know. #firstworldproblems

~ My college roommate is going to visit soon – have not seen in person since my wedding, I think? Awesomesauce. See above note about People I Like inviting themselves here.

~ Am obsessed with this blogger lately – Momastery. Oh, such divine wisdom!

~ Using app to explore Bible a little more. There are various reading plans to choose from.

~ Have picked up my crocheting again, the 6-year blanket that J.Lo has inexplicably deemed the Death Shroud. How rude.

~ Related: someone in this house is turning SIX. Is this okay? Not really!

~ Aldi is supposed to sell chocolateseasaltcaramels in a few weeks, a special buy for $2.99. WHAT.

~ We’re going to visit Ash in Athens in March! To see a concert! And the Hunger Games!

~ Scott has switched to decaf (epic), which means that a) I’m using the Keurig a lot more regularly b) I am drinking even more coffee because the there’s always decaf leftovers and it doesn’t make me all jittery and c) I may have a coffee problem.

love to you in Jeju -

(how glad are we that this rhymes?)

pen

penausage,

why did we both decide lists and working out are pointless? we might be a little too symbiotically tied together. how did we start syncing together in our destructive qualities? both simultaneously signalling a passage through grief and endless waiting. of things ending. of calling it quits. of wondering when the year of the dragon is going to come thundering on in and blaze up new and good. it beats months of paralysis and plummeting into despair and negative balances.

as i sit typing, my twist sneezed and is chasing a small piece of sausage around the house. she most recently found a way out of the terminally cheap and illrepaired screendoor. i got her back before she got too far since the new passage out of the house had her senses all tremulous and freaked. as a sidenote i left the sausage burning on the stove while i went to get dad a pair of washing gloves for his workers? (it tasted fine anyway) who apparently as he says, never have squares or pencils or basic supplies responsible craftsman have. i guess that's what you get for hiring illegals? or hiring people who hire illegals? no work finesse/nuance?. for instance pedro just dropped off worker x and said, "clean the tiles"... i'm not sure what that involves but there it is. and if the guy knew what he was there for- it goes down to the question of art vs. hashing it out right and getting it done? hack job vs. skilled hands? do you have a love for it...does it matter? i think even small things can translate to love and care. like baking- no one wants to eat bitter lemon bars and hate filled gluten free cupcakes. so that when you say i made this or i built this, was it built with love? or greed? or avarice or lust for frosting? but i digress. did you mail it yet by the way? how is something intangible like love so important in creating things?

so, the job search continues. damon is convinced kang and he will help me find something in jeju if i want, but there are seoul jobs right now. and as we know seoul is out. there's a big warning flag there. but they wont be able to help until mid-january!? which means no job until feb. granted i know december can go fast and as a result january will go just as fast but come on now. jeju himself seems to think this is the case but i think i need to break up with him anyway. he is so not into me. i did just last night manage to get an interview for a job on jeju based on the cover i sent you all on my own!. also apparently jeju is known for it's strong and independent women? hmm. it's a sign right? i dont know have any research done though on how to interview with canadian expats married to koreans so... we'll see.

hmm besides that- i garlanded the house. it's taken me 3 days to accomplish 3 things on the list i made. one thing a day i guess? today and it's only 11 is looking dicey. maybe 1 thing but i can't promise more. saying i'm going to do the lights is probably paramount to a lie. ok, back to my vampire prosecuter korean drama.

m.

Last night, though i was tired and incoherent i tried to muscle up (into the attic) the last couple boxes and a smaller box and a metal christmas tree stand in a box until i misnegotiated up the ladder, fatally teetering, and the metal stand flew at my face and hit me square in the nose, and the smaller box came plummeting down in a barage of now splintered plastic bits and tinsel. The nose running, and eye watering began as i stopped everything, preemptively getting advil and a bag of frozen peas, neverminded the mess and went to watch 'vampire prosecuter'- a csi type procedural but with a guy who happens to be a vampire. It totally works.  (Will he avenge his sister's death, or find the thingthat did this to him in the first place!?)

Which reminds me, as i run the pad of my finger over the now very tender area that I meant to tell you about the other korean drama called "my lovely samsoon". The characters over the arc of 16 episodes went back and forth from Seoul to Jeju a few times, climbing the dormant volcano they have there, as well as some famously steep steps in Seoul. It absolutely taunted me all last month. Seoul or Jeju. Seoul or Jeju. I started watching it for signs, but came out undecided- they could've done a better job of highlighting the texture and attitude of each city but really failed to inform me about both except for the use of public transportation and that Samsoon and Hyun-Jin are going to have a long road ahead of them, since she is a rice cake bakers daughter and he is a rich hotel owner, and we can only hope that Hee-jin starts eating again. So really I'm back where I started except that Damon promises me he'll tell me one way or the other by wednesday- which for them is technically today. Did he mean today? Or did he mean my Wednesday? I mean either way. Well it's 4 am wed over there. I guess i can give them till 4pm my time which is 8am their time... i think.

Otherwise, yes, I cleaned out all my stuff from the attic. Managed to get rid of at least 4 bags worth of stuff. I was impressed with my resolve to simply be done and cleared of a lot of it. I have 1 stuffed animal box 1 keepsake box- and 4 grownup mendacious houseware boxes if she ever lives in a place that is her own. The debate is over the now 2-3 boxes of christmas items- do i put the glass ornaments in a box or keep them in a plastic bag in their own cardboard packaging? Is my compulsion for matching boxes, orderly stacked doing me in? Obviously some of them are too heavy. That is also the problem.  And now do i put the super heavy houseware boxes up in the attic? Or make room for them in the supply room? And some of them i shouldn't have unpacked in the first place. Except the one box where apparently i had left some triple sec? Which exploded into a hot oozing mess. Im glad i found that. These are the things i wonder about as i drift off to sleep- imaginary jobs, the ridiculousness of having all of this stuff in the first place... nevermind thanksgiving, and staying up till 12am to go shopping at kohls. Or my fancy new bras- which i actually must discuss with you. There's no room for them in the drawer that's full of the nowire cotton ones. I shouldn't have bought them anyway but they were half off and i thought new job, new bras right? I mean that is if in fact the job, whatever it is, is real and not imaginary. Only time will tell. I mean i really hope it's soon though. Mom can't afford to support me indefinitely. And my one uncle is too busy not accepting money for his site and my other is too busy ordering honey from tazmania and stuffing his mattress with gold. I know how that sounds. I love them to death. I get that they wouldn't even think of offering to pay for my gradschool debt since the one is too practical and the other thinks i should avoid the govt forever. I mean, i got myself into this mess in the first place but still... oh jeju, jeju.

Whatelse, whatelse?
m.
ps. found and am keeping the now empty box of jujubees you sent me post grad, something about thanks for the ... x and the 'kick in the back'... that's the part i remember. i would look but now it's in the keepsake box in the attic. is that why i like jeju, juju, jeju....