#9

I thank the Lord the week has veritably flown by in my mental imagination. Though let me tell you last night, I interrupt the students for talking- i am such a bad teacher- and Eun hee is like teacher, no, i'm telling a story about a student who die. What happened, I ask. Teacher, two friends at ara..highschool. The one girl, say let's both jump. on the ... do you know what is this? Yes, the roof, the ledge. Yes. (they are always surprised at how much i understand sometimes) Of school building. Why!? Scorecards perfect teacher, 80 and above in all subjects. So, we don't know. So, they are there. But her friend, she afraid. And she step down, and girl, while she falling, looking up, they see each other. Eyes. Looking, so she know. And friend she-- what is this-- faints. Yes, teacher, faints, and girl she die, knowing that her friend didnt' die with her. Yes, teacher. (Preceding this was one of my favorite students, Young-bin, asking me, teacher why is life so hard. And i pointed to the head and how it made trouble for us... (the heart also) but there was a gulf where no words of mine could cross.) So sad. Other students, Chin-cha!? (Seriously!/Really!) Heads nodding. And the tragedy of the two friends making eyecontact is so haunting and perfectly part of the korean drama. i don't know... Ok! Well let's go on to discuss descriptive words and the beauty of jeju...!

I was going to actually babble about more upbeat things. But i've managed to damper my own spirits just now even though i just licked the mug containing my delicious caffe latte. Inexplicable. Well ok understandable. But still. Ok list of things i'm looking forward to: pay-day, maybe some volleyball, a package from mom, maybe miscellaneous car rental for the weekend just because oh and to help Meaghan move... Or maybe next weekend, and purchasing ticket to vietnam on saturday after the paydaying goes through. Paying bills. Needing to start a list related to things not to miss now that i'm leaving. I've had further meditations on intimacy as related to the poem, but have no place to put them right now. And what else?

I had another class, suddenly (the girls of course), erupt into accusatory- Do YOU KNOW JEJU! They're only like 12 yrs old maybe? or maybe younger? I can never keep it straight.

These girls, I've come to love the class as a whole, but I am a little bit scared of them. There's 8 students now evenly divided and the girls were about to make me walk the plank. And i asked them- well what about jeju? Do I like it? What? And then i proceeded to list places i knew and the korean food i liked. And then they quizzed me about where places were. It seemed to satisfy them. Mullify them maybe? I don't know. Something's in the water this week. Or always but it just came to the surface. The same class that was talking about suicide made an inditement against the new k teacher that to end up here must mean that her education was very bad. There are sometimes that I wish i understood more and there are sometimes i dont want to hear at all. I'm sure that's with life across the board really. As vulnerable and ignorant as kids are they can be stupid and cruel. (STO) Stating the obvious. There i go again. It's just going to be that way isn't it. Back forth. Back forth.

And then there's headlice to add insult to injury. Having to sacrifice the sublime of handbells to the mess of infested hair. I shake my head exalting in the blue sky and wincing at the wind tattered leaves.

m.

Also,

I have no idea about musical notes- there must be something to dsharp but i don't know what it is. I want to know though. And obviously what sort of notes I would be.

Random assortment of:

Further thoughts on the flatmate: She has a way of talking when she's enthusiastic about something that makes you feel insignificant if you know what i mean? Her energy for other people, praising them loving them, seeking after their attention has a way of knowing that you are not a bright shiny object and though you wouldn't want to be, or pursued in that way to begin with makes you slightly annoyed and exhausted at the end of the time. It makes that introvert/extrovert thing shockingly apparent. And where you suddenly realize you are there just as an object to be talked AT and not with. It's the talking AT i can't stand. I think that must be it. Thank you. But can i say this without cutting her throat? I mean there's probably a fragileness there so as much as she has a know it all attitude about most everything can i really just slay her with the words- stop talking at me please. Or do i just stare at her until i'm not longer amused and leave? I guess.

Further thoughts on the flatmate (#3): His name is Edward. He looks middle-aged... which i am also strangely... almost? Pretty much there. There. Whatever. He doesn't look like marriage material, as I asked sg as a way to get her to talk about him. Also he's from the UK. He looked grumpy in his photo but aren't we all a little when taking passport photos. However we already have an almost middle-aged russian curmudgon who leaned over to Kris and said things just keep getting weirder and weirder around here. (Since as i said, sg and co are moving in upstairs and the 8 year old is watching the 1yr old). Also when i'm alone or Kris is alone sg takes that time to "ask us" about the other M. It's never when we're together. It's just so-- strange. As she then goes on to talk about how she wants to quit but her husband doesn't and other things that make me want to have a serious conversation but then the lesson planning at whateverelse make me dip down and out.

Besides the students haven't been doing anything really amusing- mostly just eyebrow raising. I mean the other day one did say that i was a pig in korean- now before we get all you know- it is bad, but mostly has nothing to do with my weight- as its usually an extremely derisive comment about being a "foreigner" which is usually entirely associated with being a white westerner... ah well. On jeju we are hard to miss. There aren't many of us. DId i already write you about this? This seems familiar. But this student HyunGyu who was called out about it by another student, then flipped through his english/korean phrase book he always carries (he's 10) said "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you." (after i leveled him down close to expulsion from class.) but after that didn't work and i just stared at him with a AND, he then flipped through the book again and said, "Teacher, You are very pretty." (and then i marginally leveled him back up after laughing and obviously condoning his charming of me. Bad teacher. The other student who is a patent troublemaker in one of my older classes, who i'm mostly new to teach but already aware of, and who i give a wide berth so as it won't become a contest of wills- decided to write "fuck you" on a slate mini-board, thinking i wouldn't possibly write him up for that- i mean this is where being a nice teacher who has a fast boiling point for really serious infractions gets those kids in trouble who think they're going to "get away with it"... well to herr director he went, and him muttering "pig" definitely did mean something more serious than just grumbling frustration. I can't say that the kids have been other than that- just teetering on the brink and me hemming them in or bribing them. I'm just currently much too aware of all the moral and emotional decisions humming under the surface to be anything other than Oh, Lord, all the time.

Otherwise the last three weeks my energy has been holding steady. Negativity is brimming  in the shadows but i'm trying not to entertain those thoughts as it really wont be helpful at all to the rest of my time here. AND while 4 months is nothing much left, it's still a lot. I have switched over to talking about "when i leave and not if" but with the caveat and then "when i come back"... so we'll see how that all plays out.

Oh whatever, I didn't mean to go on about it.. there were other things floating around like cloudy days, getting time sucked away by being on the wrong bus twice, the chiropractor being closed, and sitting here with my large latte until i get over to Emart and a concert i dont want to go to but will just so i can get a $5 kebab. I did get all the saltoffmywindows this a.m. with some plumvinegar i had on hand, did laundry, dishes, and found things to throw away. So the day's not a wash but just a little underwhelming. I maybe should not have left the house but the internet has been out again. And like my students who need it like some definite addiciton-- they try and get away with texting while "listening" ... i find it more funny and like a habitat enrichement exercise- for example yoon song snuck these chocolate crunchy things the entire class and i let him do it because i thought it helped engage his mind and see if he could get away with it while doing class- i mean kids get bored right- if only ji yoon the entire class didn't keep saying TEACHER! blah blah! I can only convey nuance so well with a smile and eyebrow raises to a girl who thinks what he's doing is outrageous. Though yesterday i did finally take minjeong's phone away because i mean one text ok, a conversation NO. I do have limits.

Ok there's a smoking section in this cafe benes and it's only ok when i'm upwind or they dont open the door that often. So i'm out to get some fruit and dishsoap and maybe some greek yogurt.

Goodbye  love,
M.