Pen,

So, off I went to the gem show at the LA arboretum. There was only one table with what I needed, so am sort of really kicking myself for not getting everything I needed when I went to PAS. These gems are for easter and the quality seemed less but still good? but still?. But anyway dad actually came along and so did mom- and everyone walked away with something fun to play with and all their money spent. Though dad refused to walk any further, mom and I had fun with the blossoms and dad insisted the peacocks were entertaining despite him not having left a 100ft radius of the entrance to the vast estate.

i bought him and took him home and am going to watch him grow and grow... here be vanity pics for FB profile pics, beware: i would delete this shot compartively speaking but i like the colorscape.
and then blossoms as big as your face!!! and my handy umbrella...
after all this me, me, me and mom... here's the rest- lunch (dad looking annoyed at either me taking yet another picture of myself or just me and my general shenaniganisms), hardware store (not pictured though i did walk away with a letter stamp set and a clamp for my jewelry making), drive thru starbucks, and checking for leaks at casa grande. then i was stolen away to eat garlic fries and not work on my jewelry. sacrifices, sacrifices.

Pentalope,

So here we are again. Look at me go! Documenting things and everything. Breathe soft though. My first adventure was to Little Tokyo. Thorne as always is hilarious. Very mod, though I felt overaccessorized with the red sweater. Her mother insisted however. Underneath is a very retro pinstripe longsleeved tee- She felt a bit like taking over the world and insisted on walking and being amused, and dragging plungers around the mall. It was a good deal for $5 though. At one point in our grazing of all things tasty the fro-yo guy was like, dude she's staring into my soul! It's freaking me out! Oh formidable girl. (We laughed at his pain and kept on eating our yogurt).

Previous to this we ate at a nonspecified eatery and I threw caution to the wind in the name of soy. I faired ok. The miso was good I thought, I adventured with the crab salad- not my forte but pretty good and the presalad was great, and the rolls were decent, the teryaki only so/so but hey good times. We tried "new". Followed with infusion tacos because we couldn't not try them. Obviously. I mean we were so full but still.

then after such a day and a talk on sin, by alisterb@gg the day began again with Callie and we were at first going to hike and then opted to explore the canyon instead. Wandered. Found this structure. I would be an angry hobbit too if my house was painted green. And then after looking all round the textures of the place were just crazy- dizzy and overgrown, and zigzaggy crazy. I did break out my guide books and identified 'bermuda buttercups' (notpictured) and a red-tailed hawk... sure I could be making it up but still... the things unidentified is what we really care about... possibly poison oak? cool puffy yellow tree, random wall with holes in it... strange terraces and signs of fire. And the lovely sound of water. It was nice.

mendiddlydacious,

I bought like 3 lbs of raw almonds. They are from Costco (baking aisle! tricks of the trade, you know), and are rather fabulous. They do satisfy. I’m almost over the chocolate detox, the need for something sweet after a meal – it’s waning, at least. I still get light-headed when K.Lo has Golden Oreos. I still feel yearning when I unwrap a piece of chocolate for the children. And I still wonder post-Lent, will I be able to sort of reign it all in and limit indulgence? Having a few pieces of chocolate and calling it a day? Or will I return to sugar-by-the-fistful snarfing monsterhood. Which is kind of fun, I’ll be honest. Just not necessarily a good way to live?

And I’ll work on the menu soon. Food supplies. Whatnot. Just a note to self to begin thinking about it, because: EIGHT DAYS!

Hey, you know what sucks this week? Money. Doesn’t it always suck? But this week, especially. I mean … I won’t even get into the details, but what, oh what is the Universe attempting to teach me at the moment, I wonder. To trust, I suppose. And I do. Yet I struggle with patience. My request is that we find what it is we are supposed to do. Sooner rather than later (because hasn’t it been long enough?), but you know.

Our city is talking about dying the river green. I don’t know if it will happen, and perhaps it’s not in line with environmental ideals, but hell, isn’t it just fun sometimes? How rad would that be. It would be like Chicago all over again.

I heart the library, still. Even more as a quiet place with free Wi-Fi. Not just as a supplier for free movies and books.

Can’t wait to see you! I need to buy tix for the ghost walk, soon. Any movies we are going to see?

xo,

pen

Penelope,

Hi, you. 10 more days.
This photo of Thorne cracks me up. Such a stern face is she. The hat was her idea is all i'm saying.

Anyway, I totally get the feeling of being talked out sometimes. Of just being too verbal in your processing to too many people or something so that then you/me/introverts, sound stupid and vulernable. Or rather that whatever you were saying thinking about doesn't make any sense anymore. Or at least thats how i sometimes feel. That in the midst of a convo I'm like- so yah... uh, anyway. Like what I'm saying suddenly fails to sound real or I think, am i making this up? Maybe. I better stop talking. In advice or in theories and opinions or even in groups when it comes to truth, i have to be really mad or irked to say something. Which is why it was always so painful for me to speak up in class (not as quiet as you, i grant)- i'd rather take it all in and make my quiet judgements from there. But then if no one is talking i feel bad for the teacher, tour guide, whatever and then ok, i'll do it. Or if someone especially stupid is talking... i mean that is how i became famous for my asides. It still does not fail me. People with good hearing and my murmur and i've succeeded in saying what i have to say, but with only a select few. I will only lead if "i have to".

So, skip to the end, something broke yesterday and I was able to clear my head enough and get my good friday necklaces done. I was doing it as an extracurricular and it was about to pounce on me and eat my face just like Easter. But I went to Michaels and spent a whole bunch of money and gained some clarity- for now- on materials and direction. Including the purchase of resin, unrelated to the 'project', but still! It's like encasing things in lucite but different. ANd the gem show is saturday.

Of course the energy it took to finish knocked out working out for the early part of the week and no meditating for the last 2 days. Totally, yes, i'm making up the correlation, but whatever. Oh, also i did start my lenten poem! Must.Finish. and

Rewind-

And that reminds, parker asked me for some introvert/extrovert advice re: anti-socialness, while staying social. I have to say i used to be much better but over the last few years i've gone full tilt, i don't wanna, not gonna. I do not know why. Really. Seriously. What flipped the switch? I usually have to be assured and comfortable of the environment or that the ratio of people i know and really really like outweigh the unknowns or the environment. I can't say this was always the case. In my 20's, hopped up on sugar and with the theatre crowd, definitely brought out the extro in me- i was going new places, and meeting new people all the time. But for instance the thought of danica not being at church pretty much swayed me to not attending, but i was committed to endofservice prayer. I don't know why this is but there are lynchpins to my attendence places and usually it has to do with people who are either more anti-social then me or some sense of duty. I do tend to build in commitments to get myself places- like tending the garden, or returning xfiles to maryann (to attend biblestudy-) though it all breaks down ocassionally. Often. I sometimes tend to neglect how important my attendence is to people feeling that I value them and am there for them, but its not my love language. And I find it difficult. And these now new facebook invites give me a perfect excuse to kiss most of them bye-bye. I tend to really need to hear people ask, not just assume and imply. I mean I almost need them to order me to go. M, you have to go. And I usually respond to that better. Cuz otherwise i'm looking for an out, and I'll just dig my heels in and not go. I recognize my difficultness. But I don't want to meet new people or impart my wisdom to them.

Also i think in pushing my inner extro out- I do tell myself the following: this is one day out of my life- suck-it-up, or people love and need me- it doesn't matter if i don't need people. Which I don't often say, because i do intensely crave deep conversation. I thrive on it. And so I necessarily seek it out and my calendar is chalk full of 1-1 tete a tetes. But have i avoided most every single party or social gathering in the past year? Mostly, yes. Maybe that was my issue with the teas. I mean i was never fully 'comfortable'. Or maybe 4 people suddenly became too many. Where as 3 and i'm still my chattery self? I ponder. Also its a quality over quantity issue when it comes to crowds. I'm no longer looking for interesting people, networking or a mate. If God intends to bring them in that manner he'll need to flip the switch back to the way it was before, otherwise I abdicate- though i admit the loss of: being able to wear multiple cute outfits, verbally parry with strange and offputting people, people watching and gossip. Especially when a lot of people are unsober. Though now that I mostly hang with the church crowd I can say that the opportunity for scandal has increased but am less interested in seeking it out ;). I wonder if maybe there were more 30'something parties were available- if i'd go. But they usually call those dinners and involve wine and 'couples'.

Anyway...
unrelated, but back to chocolate which is clearly important- I look at my allergies and align it with stuff that I am most intensely craving and they tend to be linked. Wicked but true. It's so annoying. HotCocoa mix- milk. Cheese. Maybe even my love of peas and green beans- soy... I was brave today and ordered a 3bean salad for dinner. Too much watching of ' you are what you eat'... and i was like, yikes i've got to get on the greens wagon. I suppose eggs and bacon for breakfast is horrifying and yet-

Ok, but seriously. I'll stop- its just that i had all this tea and but I'm sleepy and stuff whatever, etc.

Nite-
m.

Pen,

Here's a few pics just to reaquaint you with what i look like ;) and before i get back to you about all the chatter and sugar addicitons. This is thorne eating an orange bell pepper. Love the look and the framing of the shot. Also i have to put a few shots up that aren't about me in here lest i appear completely narsissistic.
This is the time that it rained... ok, it was just this saturday, and this happens to be 0ne of my favorite freeway views. Epic.

Then for various reasons I've been indulging my vanity and for some reason my eyes have been looking particularly green lately. This shot was to illustrate how drenched I got. Which it does not. So I didn't send it. But I gaze at me fondly anyway. And note i have owned this shirt since '98 at least. So there's some balance from what will appear to be a rampent shopping problem.
This one was purely to illustrate how true it is that i'm a winter color palette and that this top was $2.50 at old navy. No, seriously. 2.50! The langourous gaze just points to how awesome i think it is. Oh, well and how awesome i am in it. Lets be honest. This shot i took for joanna to show the lenten necklace from church. Do note the top from Targ'et. That was the first of the splurge purchasing of this last week. Its so different though, how could I resist. I feel very country in my get up. But it did start a badball rolling. A tasty one but nonetheless. ($20) and obviously shopping for and with other people have consequences, the shirt below, and this pic i sent to cathy. ($19)
And then of course the controversial grey v/ black dress. I chose the grey! I promise I will be taking the black one back. And thanks for your input and as cathy says, its not its fault its grey. Of which is my last purchase at least before I go to kohl's with you and then I cut up my credit card-- before easter is the goal, get myself on a budget and tell myself NO, just like normal people (er, responsible people), and get myself out of the largeblackdeepabysslikeholei'vedugformyself. In my um, defense (excuses, excuses) I did put in the giveaway a pair of sweats, a jacket, a shirt and a pair of jeans. So I am replenishing... um... uh... ($30) + the 2 other shirts for $5 each (not pictured here).
Look, Spring Flowers! Part of the purchasing flurry... but um how could i not? uh... i think really its because its lent and i really am trying to address my money issues so a little freaking out might be occuring- also i don't like grief and things that make me sad- cute dresses and flowers are perfect avoidance purchases. Lets be honest. :) ($26) But oh... so... PRETTY!

more things about more or less important things later- i have a sympathy headache and have o'd on popsicles. and i am also craving chocolate and if i could swim in it i would. that or eat a bag of those awesome kettle chips. mmm salty crunchy goodness.

m.

m&m’s,

Mmm, M&M’s. I miss them. And the Golden Oreos taunt me. It’s all I’ll say. Week 2 leading into Week 3 isn’t much improved, really. Although I did find a charming mix of dried fruit and nuts on sale at Target, as well as a new local produce store. I love this town, but sometimes it’s evident we don’t have shit, as far as certain resources.

And I know logically that I chose sweets sacrifice for a reason, that perhaps I don’t need so much of it the rest of the year, but the question looms: how much is too much? Because the sugar-crash headache post-pancakes was telling. But chocolate… doesn’t the soul just need it? Hmm.

Saturday passed in a blur. Something about new beds? And a wicked headache at the end of the day, brought on by nothing. Or stress or something. And today I had all sorts of intentions about a full morning at church, followed by time at a coffee shop to take care of some blog business, but ultimately it was a half-morning at church (still good, however), followed by coupon-clipping and some random sorting leftover from yesterday. I need to get *situated* before I can really work, I guess.

Supposedly, I have a dentist appt on Tuesday, but I don’t wanna, so I’m probably not gonna. It’s been 6 mos., and I feel that’s far too early. It should be more like 9 mos. or a year. Now an eye appt., that I could use. Unfortunately.

The magazine US Weekly is like readable crack, btw. And speaking of crack, did you know that arlie-Chay een-Shay’s wife checked into rehab for the habit? I mean, drugs, schumgs, but crack? It’s crossing a line I don’t know how to describe. And the babies, what about the babies. She has twins.

Also, interestingly, our prayer maze walk will be at night on Friday. I thought it would be morning? But this is even better, I feel. Night. Church. Candles. Meditation. Ooo.

I’ve lately been considering, too, that I need to return to my non-talking roots. I mean, now that I know how, I feel like most of my spoken words are drivel? Talking too much just adds to the clutter of my mind. Because then there’s more for me to analyze. I’m not talking about a complete moratorium on talking, because I’ve also done that before (sort of involuntarily), and that can quickly get complicated. Just a cutback. See what happens.

I feel another headache coming on. What the hell.

LESS THAN TWO WEEKS, MY FRIEND.

love,

pen

Penolin,

Where are you... It's just me really, that's gone somewhere or is sitting still, my lack of human interaction for even a day sets me wondering, my neuroses and food habits- was it the hot cocoa mix, was it the chili? Was it because of the wheat I accidentally ate while eating a gyro that made me sensitive from wednesday effecting thursday? Why does there have to be wheat in a gyro? Or soy coating my fries? Why is there soy in chesse? Why do pickles have to be marinating in high fructose corn syrup? Why does milk have to agitate my digestive system and cause hives? Is it possible I'm allergic to all these things? soy.milk.wheat. soy.milk.wheat. soy.milk.wheat. Why did that woman at OldN@vy talk me out of the grey dress. Did i look that ginormous in it? Or was she just thinking, black is always yes and if you're at all uncertain then it's a no. I just wasn't sure if light grey was my color. I mean i think i've ascertained i'm a winter. Jewel tones- navy, teal, maroons, emerald, black,white... and everyone has a shade of grey they can wear. Maybe charcoal is more mine but still. ANd I let her talk me right out of it. I can't believe it. I felt like a pinball. Completely reactionary. And as I type I can feel the rough pilling on my shirt. How awful. ANd I liked you shirt, I really did. But i can't abide scratchy anything. You might get one more chance but then, you're gone. Like that see through, too lose white shirt. It never had a chance.

All this thinking...
It stalls two activities: necklace making and essay writing. Let alone losing 3 hours to the Wire s5/d3. I mean I don't know where the day went. There was some reading in there and that show 'You are what you eat'... renews my need to stick to cutting out most of fast food and eating more greens, and chewing my food- i guess. If one has to. Oh, if I only had $400 lying around to get tested for allergies. I did start a food diary today. In lieu of being rich. That in itself should be sustainable due to its list making potential. I should make a list of my physical grievences as well. Elbow tendenitis, twitchy tightness in quad, sore knees...or in general, lack of excema, minimum dandruff, 2 bits of acne, toe fungus, bad tooshort nails- weird bits of body maintanence wearing me down, too many things to care about or consider. And yet. Sputter.Sputter.Sputter.

The day before yesterday I made a list of grievences as my meditation with God made me feel like a floppy fish full of static like jolts of aggrevated blargness, I felt better afterward, sort of cleared the air. Build up of algae? or co2. hmm. There was at least 20 things. 5 seemed to be evil related. 6 good/God related. 9 were mixed of external and internal irritations, ticks and warbles. Then I saw myself on a small rock jutting up with a metal pole to hang onto and all around me were falling canonballs. It was quite clear I couldn't move very far from center or i'd get hit. And that's all I kept seeing, wooosh wooosh, crash crash crash. Needlesstosay, I didn't meditate yesterday, but I woke up with me remembering later this disturbing part of a dream I had- where this little - live- puppy was being made into a sugar cone, he was auborn brown, with big black eyes and soft ears, and when the guy was serving it to me, he clipped the nails, and then scooping icecream into the puppy's mouth- which looked more like a sockpuppetpuppymouth, but still- alive and blinking at me- i remember thinking, um, i don't think i can do this. I mean, i really, it's wrong- eating live puppies.

ANyway what the hell am I stressed out about !?
But two weeks to you.
i'm going to get that ON dress in grey and compare ANd bring the winner to you. Am also seeing some movie about tolstoy with julie tomorrow, had a good hike with callie, dinner with sarah... No need to work out. Hit my max. And danica and i joined etsy- 'darenotdally'... we haven't posted anything but its in the works. really. otherwise adieu and 'the rest is silence'.

m.

Penapiper,

I was feeling spicy and carefree when i picked it. I felt the header had to match. There was something about the bulbs i know, but our moods seemed to run contrary to that. And then once i changed the BG, it just seemed to be mocking the header. BUt anyway. One day.

Oh and you can totally send me with jlo. Its like, having a brother for a day outing. Though I understand if we can't work it in. I mean clearly it should be worked in, because my brother would never take me to a shooting range or play volleyball with me. So its a good thing jlo is it. I mean he even burns me cds so I can evolve my musical tastes. Its completely a brotherly thing to do. ANd im completely psyched about all of our outings. Its going to be a perfect and lovely week. Im excited about the prayer maze also. I want to create one in my lot at church. That would be rad. I've never done one. And of course one day when i come visit you again, i'll just buy my ticket like a normal person instead of using ffm, and that way i can fly into wilmington direct and simplify our lives. Giving us more time for everything obviously. Though I do enjoy that we can maintain a 2 hour convo, taking only occasional no talking breaks. I'm sure this time we'll have nothing whatever to say. ;)

Also, ew, fruit strips.
SO food. Yes, mmm. Everything i listed to you in my snack suggests for lent are good to go. I can do corn and rice, rice noodles, corn chips... i'll just have to label check stuff- as its candida v. wheat/soy allergy. Also spelt has wheat in it. Tragic. But quinoa is a good grain i can eat. Also rye crisps? Potatoes of course. Its just the usual staples are out- toast, bread for sandwiches, pasta... and chocolate is out unless it doesnt have soy- i do feel better i have to say. I think i may even be allergic to peas. Its part of the soy family. Its ridiculous. But anyway obviously fruit is golden! And i love. I can still do cheese and nuts (for now?:P) and nonfat yogurt. Recently I got into agave syrup as a natural sugar additive. Do you want me to bring you some? I feel very fancy using it with my yogurt and i cut up bananas and mix cinnamon in. Also meat = delicious, fish included, and all sorts of salads and lettuce and broccoli... its an all natural and mostly organic world i'm in. Fairly wild. And we won't feel as compelled to try and find dessert opts since you're abstaining. And thats a good thing. DOn't even get me started about the fact that the beef flavoring in mcds fries has wheat in it...

What else?

I'm watching Thorne today. The ipod I acquired needs a new battery. I've got some post it note chaos going on when clearly I should have a list. They're all standing tall right now like separate thoughts. Joanna got her necklace and the guy said he didn't know where the other necklace was- the one i spent $18 on sending express. Ugh. Whatever. Typical! And weird the mail just arrived early. Usually its all, I'll take my time and come at 3pm but here it is already. Allright i'm going to go read a book about the hubris of youth.

I have to things to contemplate though: being a 'church friend' and maybe a poem about lent...

m.

m,

I like the new background, btw. Love it, in fact. Though I feel the bulbs had such a short little debut, so maybe we’ll bring them back again one day? They were, after all, brilliant.

So… shooting range? Really? Sigh. Can’t I just send you with J.Lo. I mean, someone has to watch the children. Granted, I still haven’t learned to shoot, but the desire is also nil. Unless it’s at one of those Old West galleries on the boardwalk somewhere, 20 shots for a quarter, where’s there’s a payoff for each score, such as a bird squawking or a skeleton playing a piano, or something.

But, I shall accommodate. :) Because, you are you.

Otherwise, plans so far include: church, tea room, BEACH ALL DAY – yes, it’s true, ghost walk, birthday cake! (peppermint patty or the kind with the butterfinger? i ponder), ferry ride, possible aquarium, yoga, deck staining, labyrinth walk. Huzzah! And lots of good food, although really you’re going to have to update me again on what you can eat at this juncture.

Lately I notice I’m addicted to shows about cake. Specifically that “Challenge” one on FoodTV. I don’t really feel that I want to eat said cakes? But they are pretty and I want to admire them from afar. Maybe this is the replacement addiction, the vent, the purge.

I did consider, briefly, giving up coffee for even more mental clarity/lack of anxiety, an interesting side effect of this sacrifice, but then I decided society didn’t want that out of me. Besides that I love it so. And that it is a natural substance, after all. Justify, justify. I’m not ready to go there. The junk moratorium is quite enough. And it is definitely more difficult, Week 2 of Lent. I find myself mentally twiddling thumbs, *needing* something, but not sure what will fill the void. Gum? Walnuts? Hard-boiled eggs? Maybe some cheese. I did eat an all-fruit fruit strip thingy today and subsequently felt a little gross about it. I’d rather the actual fruit, but well, the strawberries are all gone from the fridge. And were probably harvested by slaves, anyway, which I feel bad about.

Also, I kind of have writer’s block on a post I am working on. It’s more than annoying. I just want to be done already. I did knock out half today, but really wanted to finish. Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow. I’m not really sure what the problem is with it, except that I didn't have, for way too long in the process, an angle.

I did manage to sneak in yoga today, followed by chiro, our first appointment in maybe a year. I don’t know what that’s all about, but mainly I’m glad I was able to squeeze in the yoga. I *might* be a little selfish about yoga time. Maybe. Maybe I have to be.

All the fish are still alive. (!) Knock on wood.

Although, I apparently killed a schefflera tree, but I feel J.Lo was complicit in its murder by not bringing it in from the frost, either. I trimmed all the black leaves this weekend, which means all of them. It’s bald now, completely. I hope it shows its strength and returns.

And that horrible, Hoarders-esque corner of the laundry room has been addressed!

I had a cold all weekend, the life-sucking kind. But I think I’m better now. Relatively speaking.

love to you,

pen