Hi, you. 10 more days.This photo of Thorne cracks me up. Such a stern face is she. The hat was her idea is all i'm saying.
Anyway, I totally get the feeling of being talked out sometimes. Of just being too verbal in your processing to too many people or something so that then you/me/introverts, sound stupid and vulernable. Or rather that whatever you were saying thinking about doesn't make any sense anymore. Or at least thats how i sometimes feel. That in the midst of a convo I'm like- so yah... uh, anyway. Like what I'm saying suddenly fails to sound real or I think, am i making this up? Maybe. I better stop talking. In advice or in theories and opinions or even in groups when it comes to truth, i have to be really mad or irked to say something. Which is why it was always so painful for me to speak up in class (not as quiet as you, i grant)- i'd rather take it all in and make my quiet judgements from there. But then if no one is talking i feel bad for the teacher, tour guide, whatever and then ok, i'll do it. Or if someone especially stupid is talking... i mean that is how i became famous for my asides. It still does not fail me. People with good hearing and my murmur and i've succeeded in saying what i have to say, but with only a select few. I will only lead if "i have to".
So, skip to the end, something broke yesterday and I was able to clear my head enough and get my good friday necklaces done. I was doing it as an extracurricular and it was about to pounce on me and eat my face just like Easter. But I went to Michaels and spent a whole bunch of money and gained some clarity- for now- on materials and direction. Including the purchase of resin, unrelated to the 'project', but still! It's like encasing things in lucite but different. ANd the gem show is saturday.
Of course the energy it took to finish knocked out working out for the early part of the week and no meditating for the last 2 days. Totally, yes, i'm making up the correlation, but whatever. Oh, also i did start my lenten poem! Must.Finish. and
Rewind-
And that reminds, parker asked me for some introvert/extrovert advice re: anti-socialness, while staying social. I have to say i used to be much better but over the last few years i've gone full tilt, i don't wanna, not gonna. I do not know why. Really. Seriously. What flipped the switch? I usually have to be assured and comfortable of the environment or that the ratio of people i know and really really like outweigh the unknowns or the environment. I can't say this was always the case. In my 20's, hopped up on sugar and with the theatre crowd, definitely brought out the extro in me- i was going new places, and meeting new people all the time. But for instance the thought of danica not being at church pretty much swayed me to not attending, but i was committed to endofservice prayer. I don't know why this is but there are lynchpins to my attendence places and usually it has to do with people who are either more anti-social then me or some sense of duty. I do tend to build in commitments to get myself places- like tending the garden, or returning xfiles to maryann (to attend biblestudy-) though it all breaks down ocassionally. Often. I sometimes tend to neglect how important my attendence is to people feeling that I value them and am there for them, but its not my love language. And I find it difficult. And these now new facebook invites give me a perfect excuse to kiss most of them bye-bye. I tend to really need to hear people ask, not just assume and imply. I mean I almost need them to order me to go. M, you have to go. And I usually respond to that better. Cuz otherwise i'm looking for an out, and I'll just dig my heels in and not go. I recognize my difficultness. But I don't want to meet new people or impart my wisdom to them.
Also i think in pushing my inner extro out- I do tell myself the following: this is one day out of my life- suck-it-up, or people love and need me- it doesn't matter if i don't need people. Which I don't often say, because i do intensely crave deep conversation. I thrive on it. And so I necessarily seek it out and my calendar is chalk full of 1-1 tete a tetes. But have i avoided most every single party or social gathering in the past year? Mostly, yes. Maybe that was my issue with the teas. I mean i was never fully 'comfortable'. Or maybe 4 people suddenly became too many. Where as 3 and i'm still my chattery self? I ponder. Also its a quality over quantity issue when it comes to crowds. I'm no longer looking for interesting people, networking or a mate. If God intends to bring them in that manner he'll need to flip the switch back to the way it was before, otherwise I abdicate- though i admit the loss of: being able to wear multiple cute outfits, verbally parry with strange and offputting people, people watching and gossip. Especially when a lot of people are unsober. Though now that I mostly hang with the church crowd I can say that the opportunity for scandal has increased but am less interested in seeking it out ;). I wonder if maybe there were more 30'something parties were available- if i'd go. But they usually call those dinners and involve wine and 'couples'.
Anyway...
unrelated, but back to chocolate which is clearly important- I look at my allergies and align it with stuff that I am most intensely craving and they tend to be linked. Wicked but true. It's so annoying. HotCocoa mix- milk. Cheese. Maybe even my love of peas and green beans- soy... I was brave today and ordered a 3bean salad for dinner. Too much watching of ' you are what you eat'... and i was like, yikes i've got to get on the greens wagon. I suppose eggs and bacon for breakfast is horrifying and yet-
Ok, but seriously. I'll stop- its just that i had all this tea and but I'm sleepy and stuff whatever, etc.
Nite-
m.
