dear friend,

my mom found the head of a kitten on her property and its detached paws... i asked her where jesus was in this image and i can only hope the kitten is now romping around in heaven waiting for us to get there and its going to tell us how jesus brought it back to life and gave it a name. we have no idea what beast brought to bear on the tiny thing or why nature must be so cruel but there it is. i wouldn't mention it but it's one of those dark horrifying things that people don't talk about and yet there it is lingering in the mind. Like the young starling I 'saved' who was so panicked to be captive died in a stretched out mode of panic and fright looking frozen ever outward and crawling with ants... Whatever targeted the young weak innocent thing is probably at the root of that creepy guy in those posters- with that look and those eyes... we all know about. And if my life weren't currently grinding and tragical/comical i would definitely think my mom was in some sort of dark suspense thriller. and then in light of that the strange dreams, the wind- the large branch in the yard, the ominous background music, where else do you go from there. a curious footnote. you think, are those shingles a sign of something? a portent. some insidious thing.

and then go on talking about banal things like wii tennis and some xbox game called the hunter something. and a dvd compilation on contemplation you bought on amazon (i hope it doesn't suck) or being in love with the word codswallop. all of those trappings and fittings until the sinister twinge of the violin. but we go on. we read books on chaos theory. we think- pattern. we think jurassic park is a good example. we believe there's something stirring. we grow watchful. we worry about our own cat with nervous glances at his well being. we remember the word fractal but can't define it. we think- snap-out of it. we draw the blinds and think about the book we read about praying the hours. knowing we're nowhere near vigil but we grow tired. we grow exposed.

but we keep putting on ointment (the shingles which quietly annoy and grow hot) and burts honey lipbalm, distractedly as our foot arches and turns in place. checking our messages and finding the only thing to watch is antiques road show. but we don't hear a word. we glance up and some picture of the brooklyn bridge is worth 30,000. we wish whatever it was, wherever it is was worth a goldmine. we look for something to do now that the nails are done (pink sparkle) and the cuticles trimmed, 3 cut in, probably from that one day when i was dehydrated and drank nothing but tea and cranberry juice. 

but nevermind. and then you remember the neighbor. the one with the jesus sign and the fake flower story from a friend and you think unstable. you think unhinged and ungodly- are there bodies under there? it was in a story i read. but wait they weren't fake it was maryhigginsclark. nevermind. maybe it was really about the goatshead and the probably satanic rituals happening where you might have lived. and you hope for light to break and to sleep through the witching hour so you can sit in your garden full of flowers and think- no, no, everything is going to be just fine.

m

so,

i painted my nails red and am contemplating hairstyle and accessory choice for the wedding tomorrow. the first one i've been to since '07? i guess i shy away from people getting married? or ? none of my friends are getting married? i went to too many when i was in my 20's along with all those babyshowers. lets be honest. i mean i'm never going to see a monetary return on all of these. and this one wedding i was in. spent nearly $800+ on ended. sad. and then i think will i ever and ... i responded to her saying, WOH! but never heard back after. nevermind.

i really was going to talk about this awesome glutenfree pizza i got to have courtesy of sarah and her awesomeness, and then i got to have some again, and again and it was still as fantastic as it was before. oh and i suspended my netflix for a month. i'm going to just call it a lent thing. last week up until about wednesday i felt pretty onboard and now i just feel checked out. oh and vandals came and effed with my church garden. beyond uncool. and i'm $70 short on bills for the month. thankGOd for moms. this week begins the official breaking back out of the credit card to pay for things like gas... and the beautiful mercy of my friends who treat me to lunch and dinner and lattes- it rends my heart to be so taxing? or needy? but then i feel the love. so it can't be all bad. the feeling? of feelings? but will i ever be not needy in this way? isn't it just a tad unproductive?  i'm trying not to let circumstances steal my joy. because there always will be circumstances won't there? and monday i'll get back on schedule- do some prayer, job search, play borderlands for 5 hours. go to church- since we're canceling services bcs the LAmarathon is running down our street, and so we're having services Monday? yah, i don't know. why not i guess.

maybe work on the quilt tomorrow cuz as lisa points out i totally should. and finish it. even though i have no one to will it to. or heirloom it too? but still its for me right if no one else. and thats something. and one day i'll have a bed to put it on. maybe. well anyway its going to rain tomorrow and i'm going to stalk snails who are eating my maidenhair ferns. for now i think i will get some water and channel surf.

sincerely tortured,
m-artist.

Penstrings,

So yesterday I went to Szu-Hua's concert downtown. I have no idea who katvon d (she was hosting it), why her voice is so deep and was distracted by her sparkly gold 4inch stilettos...is, but i loved listening to the music. It was one of those things where the price was right and the adventure seemed on par with me. I didn't tell anyone, invite anyone else for the secret fear that if i were given a minute more to think about it I wouldn't go. Even up to the last hours I was fairly convinced I didn't need to go despite that I bought the ticket and told her i was coming. But anyway I took the train and even switched cars when someone got too loud or obnoxious for me to bear. (It was this girl on the way back posturing about her own kind don't like her, and she's ready to stab people. riiiight.) This is the only time i really long for my ipod to be working. Anyway- The classical music took me to all sorts of lovely visual places. The last piece seemed to me a vivid cream yellow, though it was entitled 'rain'. And at one point a red dragon flew me into a clump of trees and left me there while the world started dripping red and yellow swirly paint around me. There was a piece called 'gluttony' that was really my auditory favorite. And which I lack the skills to describe.

The only thing I was combating while i was there, was the sinking realization that this temp job i had agreed to interview was thee worst possible thing for me. It was like, at the time i swallowed the pill not realizing its disastrous effects until it was already traveling down my esophagus. The temp woman who wants me to retool my resume, offered me an interview with a 3month assignment- pretty nice of her, considering the competitive field of even temp offices. Until I crunched the #'s and the horrific realization that I make as much on unemployment, and it would be for something I'm not remotely interested in. And an equal realization i need to be way more grateful if my 3rd ext. comes through. And i wont know that until next week. But anyway faced up against that, I'll take anything, do anything- suddenly seemed really wrong. Like I was trying to walk away from a place that God deliberately had me in. And that to walk away just to walk away seemed flawed if not perilously ridiculous. Though I'm sure it would've been fine either way. I was bound up with anxiety in between beautiful strains of stringed instruments, though I think one of the pieces was geared for that- the need to deep breathe. So anyway I called her at 830 which was as long as I can wait, in between the sinking feeling that i was getting a cold, but I'll continue to blame allergies, and she was perfectly nice about it as I rattled on about needing to get ready and blahblahblah, its not right, yadda, yadda, inner voice, screeching No! in the dark all night, etc,etc,etc.

m.