Day by Day

The perfect crystalization of thought and time are not coalescing... hence the long absence. There are things to tell you about like my absolute irritation of working all last week. And the perfect week after Christmas- If I were going by the tradtional calendar, Christmas started the day of and just ended yesterday on the day of Epiphany- crossing the new year. It was 2 wks of opposites.

I will recount it in shorthand for you now, but maybe just pick a few days you're interested in bcs my obsessive need to recount each day should not interfere with your need to not be here all day:

Dec. 24th- dad asleep on the couch: my aunt, mom and i do a whirlwind marathon game of pictionary. they are most impressed with my ability to draw upside down. the world begins to look a little brighter.

Dec.25th- (partridges) fresh squeezed oj: a day of full-tilt excess, heaps of fudge and 4 hours of television. a true day of celebration. except for my aunt apparently, who upon learning her car was dented, quarreled, told my other aunt to shut up, threw her presents on the ground, explained that "her christmas had been ruined!", and stormed out of the house. and all before dinner. the world is clarified.

Dec. 26th- (turtle doves) i'm at work: there is nothing to be said about this except we thought anyone out shopping was 'sick' and we looked forward to not being there. but there was enough fudge in my system that the world was still holding steady.

Dec. 27th- (french hens) kidnapped: my friend from his house. we had breakfast and he came back and we had dinner. his mom called at one point and said that she missed him, and that he should come back to the house... but we didn't relent and we hiked to the bronson caves, and tried see the lake in hollywood, but it was closed, and the sun set and the sausage i ate was turning against me. rapidly. and he went home. the world is perilous and full of adventure.

Dec. 28th- (calling birds) today and after: i took my cousin sean out for his birthday. we talked about that side of the family being sheeple. a word i am endlessly amused by. i am glad i am friends with my cousin. i went to my director's house for his birthday... it was strange. he said, he was glad i came. i told them about a dream i had where i was heading down a mountain on a bus with people i went to k-12 with- i said, if i have to die i'm glad it's with you guys. later after we'd escaped, a man i know, was going to give a sermon in the embassy. he said, you can escape your captors but you can't escape the mountains maw... i had to look up the word maw. the world is a curious place.

Dec. 29th- (golden rings) visits continue: i watched shadow of a doubt, talked to a friend i hadn't seen in nearly 8 months. the world is pleasant by a warm fire around a hearth, around the dogs around the living room, around the house, which is around the dark.

Dec. 30th- (geese a'layin') perfect vacation: a japanese soup involving wheat noodles, fried tofu, fishcakes, carrtos, and mushrooms. a dessert involving actual real chunks of aloe soaked in leeche nut juice, mangos and a generous squeeze of lime. Followed by Edward Scissorhands the BALLET... sure it's drawing the teen crowds. But as I slouched down in our balcony seats I thought- 2 hours without talking. OH GOD. The dancing was great sure, I knew what was going to happen but I think I'd rather have seen a musical- i mean if choices had to be made, or a play but then you know it's by the same guy who did the all male version of swan lake and that was HOT! anyway after watching a hip and jazzy edward scissorhands with the leading lady dressed in jeans and unflattering plaid top- makes me wonder if it has anything to do with the director being gay that the lady was so unflattering fitted which i know is an UnPC thing to say but you had to be there along with the hot all male version of swan lake which in his more controversial days he said stanislovsky would've done bcs he was gay- so apparently we're both making similar judgements. anyway after that my friend bought a couple pieces of my art. the world is an artistic and surprising place.

Dec. 31st- (swans a'swim'in) among company: i went to church and spent the day among my new friends- it was perfect. though we were hunched over and freezing outside. it was like family. that night i went to my friend's house who i kidnapped a few days before. his sister is all grown up, the food was delicious though just needing a little dash of seasoning... i then strained a vocal chord and was in bed by 12:30. It was a fun time but I'm sure the strained vocal chord might be a warning for excess in the new year but I can't help but hope that though tempered the year will be beautiful. the world is full.

Jan.1- (maids a'milkin) working: a feeling of being slightly hungover... and thinking anyone shopping today is sick and i looked forward to not bein g there.

Jan.2- (ladies dancing) working: even more pissed off that i'm at work.
Jan.3- (lords a leaping) working: the first half went fine, it then became a chore to count the hours by. the first half went fine, it then became a chore to count the hours by.
Jan.4- (pipers piping) ... working: the first half went fine, it then became a chore to count the hours by. the first half went fine, it then became a chore to count the hours by.
Jan.5- (drummers drumming) working: a friend came by, so glad to see, went out went up and over, to eat, to buy socks... and possibly some hairdye. by then the world was brighter again...
Jan.6- (EPIPHANY)- it was great to be with family and friends again- working in the garden, having tea and all the little things that make life worth living.

the END.

hey, it's warm outside

I do not like them apples.

This morning at Target, I purchased a box of Cinnamon Apple Fruit Crisps, new from Nature Valley. They're basically seasoned and baked apples, tiny, crunchy and in a bag. I've been wanting to try them for awhile, as what could be better than crispy little pieces of apple, and they do actually fulfill 1 daily serving of fruit. That's difficult to achieve in the snack aisle. They were on sale, and I had a coupon--score.

Maybe it's just me, but the second the apple pieces hit my tongue, I was reminded of... SpaghettiOs. I tried them again, and then a third time. SpaghettiOs! Which, actually, I happened to love as a child, so much so that I was able to order a SpaghettiOs spoon engraved with my name, a spoon I still own. But first of all, anything cooler than piping hot SpaghettiO's=big no. Ew, yuck, ew. And also, SpaghettiOs is a food that has a very specific little niche in a person's palette. You have to be in the mood for what is essentially canned pasta with tomato soup as a sauce. The flavor does not belong anywhere else, at any other time. It especially does not belong in one's mid-morning snack, in a shiny green crinkly bag that is allegedly filled with apples.

scissor sister

Do you ever find yourself doing something that you know is a stupid idea, and take time in your mind to recognize that fact, yet keep going just because you're on a roll? This morning I was rifling through a bunch of bags trying to find suitable wrapping paper for a 1-year-old, and a pair of sharp-ass scissors dangled from my teeth. I thought, hmmm, probably not the best idea--but then thought about the effort it would require to take the scissors and put them somewhere else, when my hands were already busy, and vetoed the idea. How stupid. Which is exactly what the people hovering over my casket would say when they discussed the accident where I tripped and fell, impaled my own throat somehow and consequently bled to death. Why the hell did she have scissors dangling from her teeth?

good/bad

It occurs to me that I mentally measure myself against other people in terms of "good" and "bad." Like, this person is markedly more frugal than I am, and therefore they are more "good." Because I should be more frugal, even more than I already am. Or, this person gave birth naturally, i.e. without the assistance of pain meds, and they too are more "good." They wouldn't even consider the meds as an option; I on the other hand, was like okayyeahdopemeupa.s.a.p., please. And I knew it would be that way all along. To these "good" people, whether or not we are friends, I feel like they see me as "bad."

Then there are comparitively "bad" people--not saying whether or not I approve of the badness. In some cases, I wish I could be more bad. To these people, I feel like I'm seen as "good," sometimes too good. Like goody-two-shoes, or worse, like high-and-mighty. Like I'm not enough of a rule-breaker, and I floss every day, and I like to clean and cook, and I clip coupons. And somehow a "bad" person who sees me as too "good" might think that I think they are bad for not doing the same, or that I'm above them, when really I don't think that, at all.

It seems like I make the best connections with those I see as closest to me on the good/bad perception scale. Like I see myself as a person who is for the most part "good," in that I try to treat others nicely (while retaining snark!), and generally try to "do the right thing," but I also have certain vices and quirks and other "badnesses," which I do try to own. Everyone has vices and quirks and badnesses, but not everyone owns them--which isn't a matter of "good" and "bad" but something else entirely... And some "badnesses," quite frankly, I'm proud of. Although in the presence of "good" people, I don't know that I have the confidence to convey it.

Of course it's all a matter of perception, and maybe the "good" people don't see me as "bad," and the "bad" don't see me as "good." You can't crawl into another's brain and find out, all you can do is speculate. (Or better, not worry about it.) And I suppose it doesn't really matter except for the way you feel around others, and how that in turn affects the way you act. Like, around a "good" person, do I bend too much to what I think is also "good" in their eyes, so as to make myself sound better or try and relate to them more somehow, and/or am I compelled to say and do "bad" things more often in their presence, because the person is so "good?" Like what must they think of me? And around a relatively "badder" person, do I act marginally prissier, or does it just seem that way in my own head... are my silences speaking louder than I mean them to? I think about it so hard, I probably I just seem wishy-washy.

Ultimately, isn't all this good/bad perceiving judgmental? Judgmental="bad" for sure. But not in a "good" way. Judgmental could seemingly fall into the "good," i.e. "high-and-mighty" category, which is so not desired. On the other hand maybe it's just as bad/pointless/etc to be judging oneself the same or harsher as everyone else. Maybe when it comes to me being relatively "good" or "bad," it's just me I hear talking after all.

Around those that I connect with best, I don't think I'm thinking about whether I'm being seen as "good" or "bad." Around those people, I suppose I'm just me, just pen, and all that other analytical crap falls away. Although, in being "me," I can't help but be analytical... Hmmm. Time for a cookie.

i'm living vicariously through anyone....

...who takes up this sick BOGO offer from amazon. Imagine purchasing the first 3 seasons of Seinfeld for like, $35, total. Or the first 2 seasons of Dawson's Creek for $40. Or Party of Five for $36. Or...

Damn you, evil credit card balance and goody-goody resolution to spend less, damn you both!

m's rez

1. stop being so all or nothing
2. keep working out
3. fly kites
4. keep camping
5. keep adventuring
6. leave the county, the boundary, the state, the continent
7. pray for a better job so i can pay down my debt faster
8. read, study, pray, know, see, wonder
9. laugh
10. plant
11. write
12. foster
13. live
14. be kind, gentle, patient
15. do.
16. spend-wise.
17. forget
18. go
19. be.

pen's resolutions, more or less

more
1. eat healthy stuff
2. read
3. retain snark
4. blog
5. organize
6. go to beach


less
1. eating crap stuff
2. buying
3. residing in bitchland
4. stockpiling
5. denial
6. annoyance at dogs

The First Day

The word of the day was fatidic: of or relating to prophecy... I felt it appropriate to begin '07 on such a note. I got in my car with a faint malaise, at working but not at the new year. The last song on my cd made a merry end as if i'd turned off my radio moment too soon. I clicked it to FM and a death cab for cutie song came on- and before i looked for a prophetic meaning the song had ended and i couldn't remember the name or any of the lyrics. I burned oil @ 80 all the way into hollywood, drove thru my first hard yellow of the year and saw someone being arrested as a homeless guy was slumped on a bench near by.

I wasn't quite sure if Mc'ds was a good way to start the new year but i reasoned that i hadn't given up breakfast there, and a full and stable me made it worth it, considering i had to work, which even as i sit here among my books and a small notepad, i can only muster a tempered annoyance, but i know it's brewing. The teller wished that i would have a nice day, and departing from the scripted interchange i said, Happy New Year, and I felt it break like a spell at dawn. Ah, yes, there it is I thought, as I looked for parking, saw two women happily hugging each other, still dressed in heels and glitz- and walking, past strewn silver and black cups and an occassional streamer and the row of the homeless up and stirring behind, there it is. The new year. I don't know if it means anything but gives my heart and mind a chance to set itself toward something new even if the same story still exists.

things i don't ever see myself doing

Just because I'm a wuss:

1) opening a bottle of champagne
2) same principle: opening a can of Pillsbury rolls
3) driving a stick-shift car

As far as I can tell, avoiding these activities my whole life through won't leave me feeling like "something's missing," or whatever, or otherwise prevent me from self-actualization. I guess they're all good skills to have. Best leave them to braver souls, though.