fan-tizzy-tastic, by pen

So now, in addition to exercise, I need to start eating better, too? WTF. All I know is, I’ve been working out 4 days a week for maybe 5 weeks now, getting in my cardio requirements as well as strength training, and that stinking scale has.not.budged. Not one iota. All right, it did budge, a few weeks ago, when I gained two pounds. Motha.

When I look in the mirror, it appears as though I have slimmed down some, and I do seem to have some more muscle tone overall, and yes, yes, I know muscle weighs more than fat, yadda yadda, but hell. Some concrete benefits to this whole “wellness” bullshit would be super. I want numbers, people, smaller numbers!

So logic tells me I need to eat less chocolate, and possibly more fruits and vegetables? And maybe quit snacking so much, especially at night? Logic is not my friend. Logic can suck it, Trebek.

I’ll be sulking in the corner, pondering this whole “working for you want” racket.

oh hell. by pen.

It’s becoming unfortunately clear that my informal resolution to avoid all forms of exercise until at least the end of 2008 needs to be revised. I enjoy eating, and I sit around all day. It’s not a good combination. The scale is rising. And while I’d like to kick it to pieces, it occurs to me that I may not have the leg muscles to do it properly, not anymore.

I brought the issue up with J.Lo, and he pointed out that this new plan can bring nothing good:

• I’ll feel better in terms of activity and productivity.
• K.Lo will by default involve herself, and so it will be a fun new thing to do together.
• I might even lose weight and stuff.
• And gain back some muscle tone.
• And so then more of my clothes will fit.
• And then I won’t be all sensitive about the scale.
• Or worry so much about what I eat.
• Overall stress levels will fall, while satisfaction levels will rise.

Frankly, it all sounds overly logical to me, but whatever. I ordered a few videos. I’ll exercise. I’ll set a good example for the children. FINE.

Bad Workout Mojo

Worst workout in history!

Though my amusement at the gym has waned with the lack of said posts about ever-sweaters (guys who sweat allovertheequipment) and sweaty-cakes (girls who wear makeup to the gym)... and well jason the trainer and i, broke up, like i just couldn't afford the lifestyle he kept throwing me into. But everything slipped into a tranquil bliss of liking to go to the gym and routine and the pool being one sanctuary that I looked forward to... though it be small and humble.

I had a recent knee injury as it's all angry and sorta swelly- I blame my affection for the rowing machine. Anyway which means I've amped up my swimming, and lately my time in the pool has been unpleasant-- with summer it's brought out all the bullies.

And by bullies I mean people who walk in with the attitude of hi, i'm an aggressive swimmer. People fear me in the wake that I create. I will kick and plow with an unparalleled and disruptive vengeance because as you see I'm very VERY serious about what I do. And I will somersault, violently pushing off from one end to another. Mostly these asshats are male but occasionally we get a gung-ho asshat girl. Yesterday they all came out in record numbers, scaring all the quiet, graceful water nymphs away.

I maintained my position as a fight for all the meditative meek ones out there, though I'm not that. I'm just a middle of the road big woman who wants some peace and quiet and not the pool lapping up at me like I'm in open water. At one point 2 guys come in (speedos, caps, goggles, swim toned bodies- sure asshat warning signs). I see the one in the redhat jump into my lane already filled with one marginal ass-hat and me...who uses hand paddles to improve performance. (eyeroll) I think you've got to be kidding. And sure enough midway thru he collides with me, pops up and tells me pertly that "It's protocol. We swim in a circle."... Right. Like I can keep up with tweedle-dee and his dumber brother. In a beat he moves to another lane and collides with ANOTHER person. An older man who, by the time I popped my head up was fully chastising him about courtesy, manners and not being an ass-hat, bringing all the people in the pool to a water-dropped screech. He stuck it out with the 2 asshats in his lane, defiant. Daring them to provoke him. By then a vast desert of awkward muck had evaporated most of the swimmers. I moved into the middle lane, quiet and peaceful which was not to last.

Abruptly ruined by an older ass-hat who was putting on fins. Yes. Fins. Whose opening line to me was "Want to watch a beautiful body in the water?" ... He promptly took off and flipped water into my face. I thought, that's it. I have to leave. I've been broken. They've beat me. I got out and sat in the bubbly hot water goodness and tried not to think of ways to drown them all, but it persisted all the way out of the gym and home. Fully marinated in badvibes and hostility.

I need to return to the gym just like returning to the murder scene. Try to sort it out, understand, walk in a place that's normally so full of peace and goodness that it's incomprehensible that such evil could take place there. Maybe lay some flowers down and put it to rest. And hope it won't happen again. Or if does have a better answer for it than murderous rage? Maybe not.