the impossible,

I know I ponder the theft of param from the world. Maybe she was on borrowed time the night that I first found her having used all her lives. I can only imagine. She seemed offended mostly as she was dying. Like oh dammit, I did it didn't I. This sucks we all seemed to be thinking. It breaks my heart in all sorts of ways. More than deaths of older animals or ill animals. It was nice to pray with my mom for the cat though as we sat there. She did seem more out than in if the tales of cats are true. But I thought for sure she'd be the one to call 911 and save someone's life one day. What a reckless but prescient cat. I had her in my arms one moment before which makes in worse in that I wish I'd have carried her into the house and locked her away from harm. But that goes to inevitability doesn't it- it's so hard to say what prevention looks like when you let your animals be themselves and be free- and she seemed heartily defiant when it came to cars and to the neighbors driveways. I do wonder the point of it all - all of that and then to come to this in so short a time. I mean really- it only made it better in that either God would miraculously heal her or she would die in a moment. I gave her all night to make up her mind even though she died over 5 minutes time, but in the end I pictured her with Jesus, and I buried her in the backyard with a sprinkling of miniature roses. Mortimer attended at a distance, being the only of the three other cats to really sense the depth of what was occurring. But anyway,

And now what. We're so lucky to not be exposed to death more often and to be able to mourn the loss of a cat and not have rows of human bodies to bury. And I find it hard to have witnessed healing on Friday, to a strange encounter at Ralphs to hear about another womans healing, to have my cat die and then cathy come over to drop off some fishing line just this morning and ask unknowingly if I could pray for her cold for healing. And as I prayed her breathing actually became clearer. What can we do.

It is like you say a matter of surprise. But it's an honest untainted reaction to both the good and bad of what comes to us. And I suppose that's how it should be- its a bad day when we both predict a miserable outcome and hope for nothing more or find no joy in something so miraculous as someone being healed of scoliosis or the unfathomable construction of a pomegranate.

But still it is hard upon us to be caught so constantly in between.



 

snort,

You're totally making up facts- but wait before I get to that, I dreamed i was on this cruise ship and Parker was there, but weird things were happening before we got to port, stuck infact for hours before we got to dock- somebody was coming into my room to steal shampoo samples, a girl in a red bra disappeared and i was wandering around in my bigcoat trying to find her in the middle of the night - getting waylaid and distracted by various people. I didn't know who she was as i could only describe the short dark bob of her hair and her matching underwear set, and her thin pale features. But I knew she was in danger... Ok, so back to you. Here's an exact quote from February about this time exactly last year: So, can we fast-forward through February, already? I’m over it. Oh wait… Journey. Dammit! It’s just that I’m looking forward to my favorite season and month, March...

Every time I go back to read through the blog I just love us. We're both talking about yoga; I've started to visit you around this time every year. I'm complaining about jobs and popsicles. I forgot that one year I just refused to blog all of January. And then we promised to blog by capitalizing the beginning of sentences. Pshaw. I mean i'm doing it now sort of. But still. Also around this time as part of my lists i'm thinking of doing taxes, which is exactly whats going to happen today. I don't know in this midst of all this consistency how anything changes.

And among those is of course the fact that February is a dark month and it always has been. Something about it seems to stretch forever, malaise comes sweeping across the plain. We doubt all our purposes and intents and with a vagure apprehension are wary of our lists and plagued by them at the exact time. I don't have any dead trees and yet out of some sympathy there is a desolation of leaves in my heart and a network of exposed limbs where life used to be.

Just now a man came knocking at the door, asking for donations for his book. This tome he'd written called "Space Ark". I admit this is a first. And if i had cash to spare I think I actually would've given it to him. He took 20 years to write it. He has an internet site but i just tried to check it out and it didn't come up. Damn. He's been jobless for four years. And his flyer, which he tore out of the back of his bound book reads "Please support Direct Democracy and its most ardent advocate by donating to me, the author of Space Ark!" If only Nathan Lee Carnes. If only.

Meanwhile I put too much cheese on my breakfast quesadilla, and am watching pushing daisies while i gather strength to go outside to read so i can gather strength to yoga, so i can gather strength to do um stuff... ? But already the day is drawing up its skirts and getting ready to run off. And as you say, EH.

But here's to surprises and authors pitching their wares door to door. In all the gloom, the unordinary comes. T-minus 15days.

my love,
M.

Just Got, by M

(actual briefcase not pictured but i'm trying to go the extra mile for penelope)

Just Got Paid $20 to put 2 words on a tiny brief case wallet thing. Didn't know I was going to get paid. Turned beet red. Was like, you can give me $5. I mean they're just tiny words on a tiny brief case and the letters aren't perfectly sized and don't match completely on the grid and how can you possibly be that pleased and like it that much with that big smile on your face? And he's like, here buy lunch on me. And I felt I'd just won the lottery. And went skipping down the hallway with a half grin, all dizzy and heady from my surprised fortune.

Today is a good day.