m,

Good morning and Happy New Year’s Eve! The library and a trip to the bagel shop inspired by Dwight K. Schrute awaits. (I am, by the way, so very glad it wasn’t a specific type of bagel product-placed by NBC… I would feel so dirty, running out the next morning to buy them.) So anyway: brand-new day. I’m pasting this passage by a writer who can at times be a bit cheesy and/or vexingly vague in regards to parenting advice, but he’s mostly helpful, and I do love this one. Must return to it often:

As you progress and become a wiser parent, you may at times feel regret that you didn't "know better" when your children were younger. You may even feel guilty for "damaging" them. If so, let Mother Nature inspire you to a more hopeful perspective.

Have you ever explored a wild forest and appreciated the awesome way in which Life springs forth from the chaos? Then you know Mother Nature never regrets. She learns as she goes and always makes the best of things as they are. She never looks back.

When a tree takes root in the shadows, Mother Nature doesn't regret giving it a "sub-optimum" start in life. She trusts it will bend toward the Light and find a way to thrive. And in doing so, the tree creates its own unique beauty.

She knows that no storm, flood, or fire can stop the endless Flow of Life through her children.

Well anyway. I’m a dork whose habit it is to feel guilt for such crimes as breathing (or yelling, as the case may be) too loudly. Isn’t it part of my charm?

love,

pen

m,

New fish in the tank. We bought a dozen this time, J.Lo insisted. Something about the casualty ratio not cutting so deep? It is rather dandy to see so many happy little fish swimming around. They are all barbs, 4 different colors. Not only were they bright, but I thought “barb” sounded a little bad-ass, like just try to nip my fins, bitch. (I’m talking to you, evil little danio(s).) So we’ll see where all that ends up.

I’m tired. And a little blue. It’s the blue moon tomorrow, which I find kind of interesting for a New Year’s Eve. But am currently beating self up over a Mommie Dearest moment I had this afternoon with the incorrigible K.Lo. I guess there’s nothing to do but move on (which we did), but I have a terrible, looming fear of ruining her, sometimes, with my fire. Which kills me since I love her so much.

Moving on. The birthday party-planning is underway, and this year we’re going not-as-big. Which to me is kind of great, as am actually sticking to financial commitments while knowing she’ll still have a fun time. Something about a park, and Valentine/Groundhog Day party favors, and princess cupcakes? Perhaps even a grand plan involving conversation heart sugar cookies? I’m just saying.

Currently overwhelmed with mundane maintenance-type things like laundry and toy sorting and the eventual de-Christmassing that will occur in full this weekend. As well as a few activities my event planner annoyingly penciled in to my Friday/Saturday schedule, which I basically can’t wait to be over and done with. I swear. Do I need to hire a new staff, or what.

Tomorrow holds: the library, to pick up Adventureland, Up (if they haven’t taken it off the hold shelf—*wah wah*), and another book I’m thinking about to balance out the weight of human-trafficking media. I can’t remember the name of the book, but have memorized the first half of the author’s last name with the mnemonic device of Jack Bauer. The last name starts with Bauer. I can find it, yo. Employee dropoff at parent company will be around 3PM, which is just plain exciting, as will have a few hours All.To.Myself! And a Blue Moon New Year’s Eve party/potluck in the evening with all lucky foods. So I’ve got to come up with something… cowboy caviar w/ black-eyed peas is at the top of my list, perhaps served with blue chips. Will be rad to a) actually have plans on NYE and b) celebrate with friends. Haven’t done that in awhile. Oh, and c) not pick up children ‘til the morning. Cheers to 2010!

Yoga today was good as the intent was to work hard. Which I did. And did I mention my new yoga pants? They actually fit, which is terribly exciting. But I was thrown for a loop when my teacher mentioned that she does not view yoga as a spiritual practice, but solely as a body workout? Which I’m like… huh. I mean, maybe we have different definitions of spiritual, and I’m certainly not going to gym yoga for spiritual growth, like what an oxymoron. But, what’s with the intents (i.e. peace, gratitude, strength) she suggests at the beginning of each class, then? Is it even possible to do yoga without the spiritual side, at least certain shades of it? Would that be like yoga without a soul?

But then, since yoga is so very personal… I guess the point is moot. You practice as you practice, and that is that.

But still.

I’m off to bed for now, left to ponder these things—or perhaps it is better to not ponder at all, when the blue moon looms,

pen

Dear Penelope,

Last night I dreamed there was this couple trying to escape the secret police. They were rich and were trying to be smuggled out. I don't think it worked. But I remember being her and spilling a suitcase and touching the fabrics like i was me, remarking on the silk blouse and raw silk of the dressing gown, the deep midnight blue of the colors and the dark mahogeny all over the place. Then I was at my house and apparently a mountain was close by which happened to be oozing lava... and I don't know why but I hadn't left yet and i could see a trickle of lava moving down the street- and it was that scenario of what should i grab? I remember I had an arm full of things, but thought next time i'll know how to do this effectively and grab as much as I can- all my books, my albums, because I'd left those behind, and anyway just as the lava was surrounding the house i took off in Lolly, and it was too late and i was racing around like it was a street chase trying to escape the lava, and dodge the obstacles, and there was an entrance luckily open to the 15 freeway which I got on just in time. And the shot pulled out like a supercrane shot from the scene so I could see that even on the freeway i was dodging vehicles and I finally stopped after narrowly missing something and then me and a random person from the police or fire department was talking to me... but it wasn't like i was going to be in trouble or anything- so that was refreshing even for the harrowing narrowly escaping lava part...

Dear Penelope,

Enclosed please find the next 24 hours. The shirt I'm wearing i got for $5.84. That was exciting. Also I was fairly petulant most of the morning. As mom ran out of eggs and I was unable to test my riceflourpancakerecipe. And she wasn't paying complete attention to me. Which is obviously outrageous to an only child. I got fudge later which almost made up for it but still. And then I ate too much. I showed mom a photo project that wasn't quite done that i'd been working on for months- now finally going to print and them not coming out right. Luckily she only saw one photo, bcs dad failed in the one thing i asked him to do, which was to keep it a secret, but she couldn't make out what it was. She seemed to like them. I'll show you them later. And of course I now have an awesome purse that mom got me and my fav burtsbees. She loves me so. And naturally she is the best ever. I gave dad a: i'll clean out the downstairs garage and acting like the ungrateful bastard that he is he said nothing. He probably thinks I'm trying to usher him out of the house faster. But really have you seen our garage lately? It's a disaster. Why he doesn't highly prize mymadawesomeorganizational skills I don't know. He thinks that I owe it to him anyway? For what? I have no idea. He doesn't pay the bills around here. The only interchange of the day came when he came home from the grandparents, and suggested I go into my room and watch tv, where upon I suggested he go to bed and sleep. I didn't even use any words beginning with the letter F. Which he didn't respond to, but then was seen slumped in his chair out like a light not 20min later as we watched the ins and outs of tree harvesting as a mom compromise. I am fairly convinced the devil is just trying to get me to hate my dad a little bit more each day and especially on Christmas. I do try and resist as much as I can. But as much as mom wants us "together" on the holiday, I really do NOT see the point. She's baking and wrapping presents to take to the "other" place and I'm watching tv, and dad summarily goes upstairs. It's like any other day- really. Except that I have that not so vague feeling of wanting a family and siblings with whom I can converse and love.

As you can see from the pictures, its fairly indicative of what I did with my entire day. I was also reading the 'screwtape letters'- written by cs.lewis, and after reading through this book again, i just think he is awesome. Probably not Christmas fair and yet, probably extremely appropriate- as its about this uncle demon talking to his nephew demon and how they mess with their "patients" and how the "enemy"/"god" inexplicably loves us. It's so good. I did have NightattheMuseum on in the background, and Home Alone. Which in hindsight was extremely appropriate at the exact time I watched it.

Then of course came the jarring call at 7am, from my mom saying Cocoa had escaped. The latte I had has not kicked in by the way. but--Thank God we got her. Talk about Christmas tragedy 09 averted! What is wrong with a dog that doesn't like car rides and treats?! And won't come when you call!? I am new to these sorts of challenges and have grown soft with my though stubborn, mostly complacent Golden. Anyway, the only other excitement was finding awesome nativity toile! I am so making these into pillows!! And there's ome vintagy reindeer fabric too. Oh and lets not forget the strippy socks. Pinnacle of awesome.

m.

m,

I experienced a pang when reading your last letter, because your desired church experience was a near match of my actual church experience. If only you had been here. The service was full, but not overly packed, which was new to me, but nice. The choir can actually sing, some string instruments were also present, and each member of the congregation was given a candle upon entering. Service started with the lights out, “Silent Night” and all candles lit by passing the flame. We kept the candles lit through opening and then blew out/returned the candles during “O Come, All Ye Faithful.” The rest of the service progressed as usual, though with night fallen outside… Some nice song choices, including “In the Bleak Mid-Winter,” which I feel you never hear anywhere. And the sermon addressed incarnation as relevant to our lives in three particular ways: our relationship to the earth, to others and to ourselves. Etc. I’m still mistaken for a visitor there, but I suppose you’ll have that. Overall: peaceful, reflective, pretty beautiful night. I would do that again.

When did we start talking so much about church on our blog?

In the meantime: Christmas! I loved your pictures of the Eve. Between last night and this morning (mostly this morning), I snapped around 200 pics, which the mind boggles at, but regardless, I have to sort. K.Lo slept in her bed the whole night, but Management was antsy… More information and photographic evidence to come shortly on Lo.Co. I unexpectedly received a netbook, which is a tiny computer that I have coveted for months now, on condition that I sell my rattly-fanned computer to compensate for cost. Then we’ll be cookin’ with fire. Until then, it is pure technological sweetness, and I was totally surprised. 

Intents on my mind this week: awareness and enjoyment of where I’m at, physically, emotionally, etc.

Tonight: a good dose of cynical cinematic holiday fare before the season fully dwindles. I’m thinking “The Ref” and perhaps “Home for the Holidays.”

Merry Christmas,

pen

Dear Penelope,

Enclosed please find evidence of Christmas Eve. It was an inauspicious start. And I was pleased with my pre-eve outfit. Not so pleased with my actual Eve outfit which was a lovely black dress, greensweater jacket and scarf- colorful but still. The service was a bit of a let down, though i did get to play with fire!-- but nice because of the thought- that counts. But I think I wanted more contemplation and softness, a little more length and seriousness. I felt it was more like a leaflet on Christmas and I wanted more of an essay. Like tweet vs. Blog. Because don't just throw the service together if we're not going to do it up right. Which it wasn't not right, it just didn't have any breadth to get you into it. And the crying whining kids were detracting as much as it was suppose to be a kid friendly service- there wasn't enough boisterousness to make it that way. We enjoyed some apple cider and I did get into at least 2 conversations with people I margainally knew. So I get points.

Pre-eve was fairly entertaining. My uncle kept jabbing my aunt with the, just get a new one, you're rich. To which my aunt would just internally explode and walk away. It was pretty funny. But I see his point. He collects gold and has furniture from 1978. And likewise my frugal aunt and uncle share his monetary success- so of course he doesn't see the point of pampering furniture when they are well off enough to get new ones, but when I told my uncle jerry to just change the color scheme of the house if he was tired of it, he sighed like i was asking him to haul that Sisyphean bolder up a hill... Likewise my aunt asked if my parents were enabling me, right at the heels of her mentioning the loss of their brother and enabling him, to which I replied a little, maybe, but if they didn't I'd be sad, and then I whispered to mom, well we do have the God thing. It's not like he's telling me to leave and i'm not. That and I don't think I'm an addict. But maybe? Addicted to being jobless? I don't know. I won't dismiss the charge completely. I told my aunt I hoped to be financially solvent eventually and I promised to take care of my mom when she got older. I then slung out that they only have themselves to blame as they've failed to find me a christian republican to marry. That set my aunt laughing which I'm glad of and she did say she knew a tennis player named Matt... but he's older and moving to Orange County. Dang. Come on people. I also hinted to my uncle John that if his extremely wealthy friend Bruce needed any artists I was totally available.

Later I got into a conversation with Carmel, who proves to be patently the most livewire in the house at almost 94, about death, and how she jabs her sons about, oh just wait till you get to my age. If you last that long! ... She says it makes them mad, but I found it funny. I would. I can't help myself. I told her though that transitioning to death is difficult and they're at the age where they're having to accept their mortality so it makes it difficult. And I told her also that as independent as she is, its ok to accept help.

I wrapped up the night with fudge and ice cream. Nevermind that we had to microwave the ham. It was all fine. I got home from all of it and had a $1burger and fries from mc'ds and came home to flip channels and sing songs. More from today, tomorrow. Love you, M.

Penolin,

This is the first time in recorded history we'll not be having Christmas Eve dinner. Even in my reckless abandon last year they went off and had dinner out and I had an overpriced fine dining experience a mile from the beach of san juan del sur. I do recall a massive chocolate brownie- a giant turkey, stuffing and all the rest. I might have had champagne. I don't remember. There were hammocks involved at the end however, some slumped over on couches as we waited to get trundled back to our casa. I saw digital pics of the magnificant sunset everyone saw. I chose to desalt in a pool instead. That was before the gringo christmas. Which I liked. Don't get me wrong. I think the next day we even exchanged gifts. There was an inflated Santa in the lobbey and a few people wore hats and there were lights and poppers going off. I think that was one of the nights I swung my hips in that upstairs bar... maybe christmas day? Anyway.

Today we're having a christmas eve lunch? It is interesting to mix things up I feel. I am a big fan of stockings even though I didn't put any up or get anything for anyone to put gifts in. But one of these days we'll swing back around. Formalize ourselves a little bit. Make an extra effort to make things special. Mom suggested a coupon book of some kind. Maybe I will. Maybe I will.

I'll have to document church eve as I've never done that before either. Look at all the firsts! Somehow its important isn't it? I want to say more but i realize I only have 15minutes to get ready. Everything is out of synch. You're talking about undoing 30+ years of tradition. Maybe discovering in the process a new thing- now what to wear to church? Thats the question.

Essay.Needletale. Totally coming up.
m.

m,

I’m thinking maybe some new fish tomorrow. I don’t know. Currently, we have an algae issue that is like sheets of slimy spinach over everything. A disgusting but accurate description. I think it will be solved with a tank clean and some drops. And some new fish will be lovely for Christmas, until they die.

I love that currently, K.Lo is matter-of-fact about death. “Your flower is dead.” Or, “That fish is dead, let’s go flush it.” I don’t know how long it will last, or if my answers about heaven and so forth will satisfy the customer. Also, I waited until yesterday to tell her that our friends who lived three doors down moved to another neighborhood. I told her on the way to their new house. Call that mean, but I call it crafty. Or lucky that she took it so well (for now). The not-quite-4-year-old doesn’t need extra drama in her life, so I made it seem perfectly normal that one day our neighbors decided they needed a bigger house and so they sold their old one and bought a new one. Which, it is normal, but you know what I mean. Had I mentioned it earlier, I think the conversation would have been focused on the loss of neighbors, rather than the practical matters, or whatever you want to call them.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I plan at the moment on going to the quasi-midnight service, which is at 9:30PM. I hear there are candles for all and beautiful songs. I considered the 4PM service, which included an activity for kids, but we did an impromptu Nativity pageant at church on Sunday, wherein K.Lo dressed up as an angel, and I think that sufficed. I’m kind of looking forward to going by myself.

Presents are mostly wrapped. We did not go big this year. It’s the first Christmas morning at our own house, with the usual traditions at my parents’ house over the weekend, so I am sort of pinning down traditions, figuring out what they should be on one hand and then easing back into: it will be whatever it is. Maybe lamb chops for dinner on the Eve, and eggnog French toast at some point? Or perhaps just eggnog with rum. Somewhere there must be eggnog, is all I know. And rum. Also, we never did stockings growing up, but to fill out our present stash for the kids in an affordable way, we ransacked the dollar bins at Target. I kind of think that’s going to be a highlight of the morning, stockings.

I still haven’t watched “Love, Actually,” a favorite, and all my Muppets were on VHS, so we are unable to watch without a functioning VCR. All broken in ‘09, so sad. However, the Grinch has been recorded, “Charlie Brown” viewed several times, as well as “National Lampoon’s” and “Rudolph.” Oh, and the moment of missing my entire ornament collection, as opposed to the small stash displayed on our 2009 Charlie Brown tree, did arrive and stayed briefly. Next year. It will come too quickly.

I await your second essay and the needle tale.

love,

pen

Dear Penelope,

Hi lady love,
Watching s4 of the wire. Eating a popsicle. I actually went a whole week or so without them. And I guess in a moment of weakness without them, rita said she'd sign up for warrior dash and walk with me, and then I agreed. Like that's all I needed. Push. And immediately after my knee gave a throb just to mock me. And suddenly I'm like "its a RACE". AH! PANIC! anxiety. failure. competition. Riiiight. I mean even at my best I run/jog/walk 15 minute miles. And I've only done 2 miles not 3.08 and 12 obstacles to boot, in that round before my knee commited seppuku because deep down it feels betrayed by the weight and my exuberance and it became lawless and dishonored and now it won't do a damn thing. And the guys I'm doing it with are like 5min/8min mile types. So my only mission is to get my ass over rusted out cars, gullys and rims of fire and not die, in my own damn time. Because who has health insurance to back that kind of thing up. I'll look into getting a brace. I'm going to acupuncture tomorrow. A random korean place in the middle of the city. It's only $60. If they don't help I'll go to fancier digs closer to home in Burbank. But I digress.

Bodo is better. I'm listening for a cough or a hack and he has one everyoncenwhile and his energy is low but he's hanging in there. I think dog-sitting cocoa has helped distract him though I don't suppose he's getting the rest he really needs. My cat Marley is effectively staring down cocoa and feels safe enough to sleep out in the open, but my cat Turtle is no where to be seen.

Besides that I wandered around REI today and didn't feel compelled to buy anything. That was nice. Sure the downside is that probably nobody is getting presents- at least not for a while anyway. I don't know why but it causes naught but anxiety. I lasted an hour and then Cathy called and I felt free and walked right out of the store and drove back home. Maybe I'll make something? But what? And for whom? Ach. Also I've been negotiating how to get out of Christmas eve at the fams. This time its not because I dislike them, which totally refreshing concept, but a lot of people have been unusually asking if I was coming to Christmas Eve Service at church and its been a bug in my ear. Am I? Am I? And while I'd rather it be a midnight mass thing or some sort of candlelight something it is my family in a spiritual sense. So why not really. It has meaning at least. And though I love looking at my beautiful tree and thinking about lighting the fireplace, and staring at the awesome purse my mom is giving me, it leaves me to wonder about everything else, despite the aesthetic rosy glow. Oh, so as it is, because Carmel is all like old and what not they wanted to move christmas eve to more christmas pre-eve. And saved by the bell, meaning before I emailed to bail, they gave us the how about 1 or 2pm option. Which is awesome. So out-of-it-i-am. Or rather, best of both? Nice.

As an aside, apparently my grandpa did agree that it probably wasn't best to leave gold in a house of addicts, stuffed in a mattress. And though my mom did her best to find out what the last family bruha was she failed, leaving us only to wonder and further speculate whats going to happen to them when my grandparents die and the house is sold. The gold is in a safe deposit. And apparently for the gift exchange it will only be my parents and my grandparents participating. I asked mom if they were just going to carry on with Christmas Day celebrations and she said, yes, and that she was bringing a pie and shortbread cookies. So I suppose while they're off doing that I'm going to try and make wheatfree crepes, stoke a fire and sing some happy songs to myself.

m.

Penolin,

My poor pup bodo. I noted he wasn't himself but nothing that would send alarm bells until he started shaking and breathing hard. It was sort of the perfect storm. Mom is gone so his eating was already effected, I had the flu so my energy wasn't great even to see if his energy wasn't great. It's rough when the only signs are: decreased energy, one runny nose, and then 3 days of occasional hacking like he's got a bone stuck in his throat. But then I get home and stare at him when he's not looking at me and he's clearly distressed. And then I convinced dad that we absolutely did need to take him to the fancy emergency hospital in the hills. I was thinking what my creditcard advertisement would be, "peace of mind: priceless". Of course it was dads credit card after he wanted to know why I couldn't go by myself and besides my blinding hatred of vets and how i start sobbing at the hint or thought of the hint of bad news- Bodo is his dog, I said. I can't afford it #2. And #3 Bodo is your dog. He sat there defeated and we went. Dad does not like vets either. I suppose if I developed enough of a relationship with one, overcame that gut reaction of exorbitant overcharging and the business of health which has always seemed wrong and yet it shouldn't be.Who does. Dad's last golden retriever died in the same place after some labored breathing, but significantly worse, fluid around the heart or some horror. I mean for sure I thought he had cancer and not random pneumonia. These poor dogs always seem to get stricken by something awful like how everyone in america gets stricken by something awful eventually. Like death. And just in the small room near a club of hip hollywood types we all sat and waited. One womans bulldog ate a batch of pot brownies. Another couple fled from the place racked in sobs and tears. Another guy brought his dog in because he had a tick. I seemed somewhere in between comical and ridiculous and tragical. Feeling pretty good at my decision, even though I'm sure he could survive without a 24 hour oxygen tank and probably didn't need all the bloodwork done. But whatever. How can you say no to this face?: