Penbriant,

hello friend- oh oh oh there's so much to say. so many little things that i want to communicate that are slipping away. when i last left you, you were driving off into the sunset sick to your stomach and entering an adventure of an indetermint length and lets be honest, nature. you're essentially a tourist with a home. things will not be the same. things will be absurd, to different, to being written in a completely different language. you will not understand everything. your whole body will vibrate with the difference. it is best to take notes and keep telling the world your story. really, that's the most impt thing. and we thank you.

back to me, i can only stave off narcissism for so long, except for being on the prayer team where my mind is now teeming with divorce, cancer, cancer, cancer, drugs, money, dying, heart surgery, brain tumors, charters, tiresomeness, and whatever else. but nevermind that, only God can do something about that. i will throw in my request to break myself from the, not looking toward the moneyless cliff or the haven't gotten around to etsy yet, or the, i'm going to be singleforever... anyway, look here how my cat resents me working on the christmastide necklaces... i got 3/4 done despite him.

i did have a smashing sucess of sunday night. i was telling someone just before hand how i missed being around boys and then i got dosed with them from about 5pm-1am. go me being social! also it was a wise choice to continue to the 2nd location. usually it's not, but it was nice, even when no girls joined (potential awkward disaster) but. the boys were polite, playful, serious, articulate, witty and generous... it was the kind of high and frivilous night that if we had been younger would've carried us to 7am and a wafflehouse. ben is going away... on sabbatical i say, back to san jose. aw, we miss ben already. this is actually the first time i'd been out with him outside prayer council meetings.

bye cute ben. bye. and may i say he has the most awesome friends. one, a friend i've known since my co-op days, who btw he and ben, introduced me as an artist everytime, she's a very talented artist, they'd say. it was a big bearhug everytime to my heart. alsa the two verbal highlights besides the constant improv'ing- his friend saying "guys, i have a kidney to take out in 7 hours."... wait, he's not joking. and then arguing whether or not tolstoy betrayed his characters... oh yes, high times i tell you! bruce sauntering down the street with bottles of wine, being tempted with delicious looking breadpudding, deadwood references, and did i mention all the boys?

and given the energy and chatter of sunday, monday could not possibly live up, despite the friends, walks, crafting, and coffee taking. but it was good. the last couple days have been a little not-definable but somehow i'm getting some-things done? and watching too much tv. possibly consuming too much sugar... oh and i did start to tear up on my yoga teachers last day, at the end of class, and then again in the car. i'm taking everything a little too hard right now- the leaving, the suckitude of advent, but anyway. back to pretty sparkly things. fa la la la... no this isn't my house. mom's given up on christmas. but i did put out the advent pillows.
m.

m too far away,

Have I mentioned I’m never moving again? I mean honestly, it’s horrible. It’s horrible anyway, but I’ve never before moved while being responsible the health, well-being and happiness for two small individuals aside from myself. And at Christmastime, the horror. Although the tree is up and mostly trimmed and the stockings are hung yada yada. By the chimney! With care! I do like the fireplace.

So yeah. Moving Day itself was possibly one of the worst moves of my life. Not because we didn’t have help, because we did (bless them all, these friends). And not because it was raining all. day. long. Although that was a nuisance. The worst part was likely the Stomach Bug of Death I acquired the evening before, which had me puking from 6PM until 3AM. And completely, thoroughly, utterly exhausted throughout the next day. That was the part that really sucked. Aside from not fitting everything in the truck, leaving behind a filthy, as-yet-to-be-cleaned house, saying goodbye to friends and a home and a town that I loved. Those things weren’t fun either.

I feel very whiny. But instead of stopping, I might as well go full-throttle. Why not. For your amusement. It’s effing cold here, which by the way, is completely overrated. Especially when you’re plunged into it suddenly with your life already in disarray, rather than eased in softly with the comforts of your full wardrobe at your disposal. So there was no way I could avoid going to the grocery store today – and by the way, as cute as this town is, the grocery options are just grim – and between the freezing cold, the fact that I didn’t want to go out in the first place, our waning funds and ornery children who also must be suited up with 50 layers of fluffy clothing, I was ready  by the end to a) never shop at that grocery store again and b) schedule J.Lo for a vasectomy. I mean, seriously.

Although at least they sold chicken feet there, which was good for a laugh. Except, they sold chicken feet.

Still having certain uncomfortable issues with my job that I can’t currently process or speak of at the moment and am (concurrent with moving) taking a brief semi-hiatus until 2011.

I can’t even speak about Christmas shopping.

And I feel bad that my children’s rooms are holy messes, playing second fiddle to both the Christmas tree and the kitchen, which I insist on sorting out before everything else, particularly when I am being hounded for two straight hours to find the can opener for the bloody can of black olives. Which by the way, I never did find.

Um, what else. Since we’re on a tear. (This is fun, I’m kind of enjoying myself – are you?) The fish lived. I can’t complain about that. But I keep thinking about standing at the tank on Saturday, struggling to scoop water from a Solo cup into a bucket and catch elusive fish with a stainless-steel pasta colander, and wondering how the eff, why the eff, were we taking the fish. I mean it was purely me, I admit. I couldn’t willingly kill them and it was too late to sell or give away the tank. And what would the children say. Think of the children. So I had to clear out the disgusting rocks and sludge and try to ignore the hard-water buildup all over the trim and filter and heater lest I heave the whole thing in the trash. And the fish went in the bucket with a trash bag over the top and a battery operated air stone, which required 2 batteries, but only worked with 1. No kidding. And once we got here, I was imagining in my airy-fairy fantasy world that I’d scour and set up the tank right away, but in reality it was at least 48 hours later and I had to force myself. But there they are. Swimming. In a clean and sludge-free tank. Christmas miracles.

I could go on. I will go on. But maybe tomorrow. For now I have to go scrounge up a snack for Unlimited Snacks Week or somesuch, because you know the wifely duties don’t stop even when you’ve moved. Just saying.

Oh wait, one more thing – I totally flipped some jerkwad the bird today on the highway. One of those asshats who are directly behind you, see your left-blinker and are all, noi’mgonnagofirstweee, and you’re all, eff. you. because I have to make a left turn in like TWENTY FEET. Off a 60mph road. Bird. And some choice cursing. Which I thoroughly enjoyed.

sweet smiles and hugs from your dear penelope

Dear Penelope,

Look at the sunrise through the trees. It's yours. From your new house. Aww. I was worried when I texted you 'safe and sound?' and then there wasn't a response but then your text hadn't come through and you sent me another one, so it was totally ok.

sigh,

pendriven,

So allegedly you're moving today. Maybe already on the road? Though i have seen no pictures or had any texts to confirm what might be a momentous ocassion? I have to admit I feel out of the loop. And a little pouty about it all. I'm just going to confess that outright.

But thats because the Santa Anas are in the air and that's making me wistful. I even randomly made my desk drawer less heavy by taking out the pack of paper and the bag of confetti i've had since the 80's. For no apparent reason. I wasn't sure why they were even in there. I mean the desk which is made of plastic and mdf has survived since '92? or and i mean why do i want a new desk even though innately i feel its "time" whatever that means. (I better go pause for breakfast).

Ok i'm back. I ate. I feel better. And of course am re-watching theoffice on hulu. And then i got back and i have a text from you. Which is just what i needed. Except for you being all ill and in the midst of packing up still and not on the road at all and maybe having to leave things behind. So now I'm sympathetic and I'm sorry I'm not there to strap things to my car and drive up with you. I feel I need to increase texting with you so I have more quick reassuring communications. I mean we have these lengthy tombs or is it tomes? on the magical web but why not just send you, lol. and omg. i do send you pics. i wonder why i get to this stage of thinking you're imaginary. And then i become particularly needy of reassurance you're not. Hopefully I'll come see you soon. I know we want you to visit LA, but when? There is such a thing to divine timing and the rents house isn't done yet and you've just moved so we'll see. By the end of next year or the beginning of the one after might work. The year of the dragon should be auspicious for me... I am wary of the ubiquitous 2011. But more about that later.

I understand about waiting sometimes in my best moments. Like Cathy and i wanting to go to SouthEastAsia or Cairo together. She often has the $ and i do not. Cutting up the credit card was good though. I can feel some increased motivation in there stirring. But we'll see.

Anyway nevermind. I'm going to eat fruit.
and I love you.

m.

Pendragon,

So whatever, you're moving. Pay attention to me! Router. Shmouter.

Which reminds, I told you right that when we went to bless Auts house the kids started up quite a racket. The din. The cacacophony. The resistence. The clammer. The... I had a better word for it last night but I don't remember. Brouhaha?

And then last night, I forgot for a second I was reading a collection of short noir stories and the murder was actually a surprise. I found myself going, wha! gasp! no!

But the book then heightened my awareness that this particular starbucks like the fatburger on lankershim has something shady going on. You have a weird eclectic mix of industry types, hapless PA's being sent over for coffee, old guys who may or may not be up to no good, people who look like they're on or have been on various substances and then wide-eyed or ambivilant, look i just stopped for coffee, why does this place have to be so muther-effin-busy all the time, even though no one has coffee or if they do it looks like a prop. But with the same people. Maybe that's it. No matter when I go, what season, there's a reoccuring element that doesn't change. Its unnerving.

Well anyway enough from me, i've got things to do. Like quilts, and necklaces, and chin hair to attend to. And i got woken up untimely by not 1 but 2 calls within 10min of each other so any chance I had to return to sleep was then squelched. like grapes on a warm autumnal morning.

where's your drill?
in the art room?
what do you mean? do you know where your drill is?
it's in the artroom.
...
wait hold on. ok no nevermind i think i got it. i just managed to open the gate as i was talking to you. you dont have to come get me...
...

oh and Pen you're CBB. can't be bothered. cbb. no time. thats what she said. notime!no time!

m!

In three days I’ll live in another state. What state am I in currently? Relatively cold-free. My left arch is falling. And I don’t have much time to dwell. If all the boxes I need are at the bottom of the giant recycle bin in the grocery store parking lot, then I just have to jump in. Screwed up a post and not so keen on the editorial changes? Oh well. Pressing on. Kids upset about all their toys being packed away? Go play hide and seek.

I just don’t have the time to *care* at the moment, which isn’t me, and I’m completely sure it will all catch up to me, likely in January, wherein I’ll lapse into some sort of post-move coma. Today we had our first scheduled house showing in 75 days. Awesome timing. And after busting my ass for several hours to make the house sparkle, I’m not entirely positive they came. But can I pause to cry over the spilled milk? No. Not really.

And nor do I have time to look back and reconsider the Great Leap and wonder if it’s the right decision. Because we’ve already decided, so whatever.

I do on the other hand have a little bit of annoyance leftover for things like pointless games on Facebook, like the cartoon thing, and the numbers thing. I mean honestly people. Or maybe I’m just not “fun.” I just laughed, writing that.

So anyway. It’s fondue at home tonight with les mamas and pizza tomorrow night with le Mel. And on Friday I have to hand in my router – gasp – and will be disconnected from the world until Monday at least. And supposedly somewhere in there will be a big truck and the loading of things into it and setting foot into the house that I’ve never been before. And it will be cold.

love to you

penny blue light,

good evening to you,
mentally ive been laying on your couch all afternoon. for one brief moment when insanity overtook me i left the house and had to slam on my breaks hard twice averting being broadsided and then cut off. both on the way to deposit my check. i thought it was best to get my authorized frappachino and get the hell back home, casting prayers in my wake. i made it home without incident but i'm still wary.

also because last night i had some freakish experience more freakish than my average dreamings of evil. mostly because it involed this loud metallic noise right against the wall where i sleep, and a blue light coming into my window like a ray and the cat running in like it was being chased. it was so strange. maybe in the rain the cat ran down the roof, jumped on the waterheater shed and carried the moonlight with it. or something else. as constantine says, cats are half in and half out anyway. he, marley, stared at me strangely in the hallway when i woke up and didn't want to go outside in the morning. it was just the sort of thing to feel it wasn't a dream- which it wasn't, besides the dried muddy paw prints and the now closed and locked window...

anyway i'm uncertain. the hair didn't stand up on the backofmyneck or anything. but my heart was pounding lightly in my chest. i kept waiting for something else to occur as i peered outthewindow. but it didn't. and there weren't any signs this morning. it smacked strangely of the x-files and i haven't watched that show in months.

as it is the day has passed like a seige. waking up with bad thoughts chasing me. mentally doubled over about cutting up my creditcard at one point. saying shut up alot to various things. it doesn't seem safe to dwell below the surface of basic functions and tasks. the hot shower did me good though. but i can't say much for my productivity. and i would think more about that even but its not safe to do that either. let alone wonder about my sore muscles or that feeling of fatigue in my head. best get back to laying back down again. or making a music mix of sad sad songs.

maybe i will thank God for the rain, and for netflix, and for my bright shiny car, and for his great enduring faithfulness, or how i now an inheritor, once poor, once condemned am rich beyond measure. nothing else need be said about the day. (though i am craving breadpudding).

m.

m,

Hello you. So apparently I’m moving? For reals. But more pressing is the post-Strep cold that won’t leave me alone. In fact, it keeps getting worse rather than better. Headache, itchy sore throat, filled sinuses, watery eyes and weak muscles. Whyyyyy.

As a result I have little energy for the boxing and organizing that lays before me. Much less Christmas – don’t even talk to me yet about Christmas. We’ll forge ahead with the festivities in due time, but that time isn’t yet. It will be terribly dicey, but at the very least, as K.Lo noted, Santa has a place to come into our new house now. A fireplace.

***

Okay so it’s a few days later. You can see I just gave up in the middle in a fit of the vapors. I’m feeling a bit better, dare I say it? Aside from itchy ears and the desire to nap for hours. Can I do that? Anyway, I thought I’d give you a sneak-peek of the house I’ve never actually set foot in. The one we’re moving to. Apparently there might even be snow on its ground as we speak. xo

en-

The storm system is still coming in waves- a cold arctic maritime polar current of discontent. A moment around 11am of sunshine, clearing and warm breeze of being and sense of place. There was a twinge of a balloon slowly losing air to pile the analogy when in the game i had found all the gnomes and the questing was over. (Initial sense of triumph followed by, are you kidding me? Thats IT?!) It didn't stop me from washing the windows on my car and polishing the trim but after that I quickly lost my way as the rain rolled back in. I mean I don't recall doing anything after that but making a quesa?dilla. And reading a chapter out of a book that I can't keep reading. I mean she used the sentence: "he [God] was too exalted for an inadequate human cult"... blech. Goodbye book. Next.

Yesterday I managed to make a mix tape which i entitled "the same old thing". I dyed the mesh on my new sneakers pink, and filled the green bin (that was today actually). I showered yesterday. I think what i'm getting at is everything is happening in slow motion. Like this post. LIke me transferring all my monthly planner information and making a list to do laundry and?... where's the spark? next quest? There are those bills to pay. The vague sense of impending doom or change- whichever. I have meetings to attend. Necklaces to finish. Finances to worry about. Figure out who killed Toby... i'll imagine i'm playing with you. I have my very first podcasts to listen to, but what else. what else. LIke joanna saw and othercathy confirmed, am i a marble in a mesh bag gathering force? and to what purpose... and to what complaint... certainly i must have things to say about living in babylon with no prospering insight. It is a very adventish place to be. We'll see if i can find words to these things later. I am craving a butterscotch sucker, but that'll keep. I'm going to swallow my citrus mint gum and go to bed.

here's the song list:

I gotta feelin' (BEP)

Empire State of MInd (JayZ/Riana)

Don't Stop (Innerpartysystem)

Where's your head at (Basement)

Twisted Nerve (Hermann)

Little LIon Man (Mumford)

Sometime around midnight (Airborne Toxic Event)

Paparazzi (Lady Gaga)

Same old thing (Black Keys)

Gold digger (Kanye)

Sexy Back (Timberlake)

Ridin Dirty (Chamillionaire)

Gangstas Paradise (Coolio)

Jesus Walks (Kanye)

Natural Blues (Moby)

Oceans and Streams (Black Keys)

Bang Bang (Nancy S.)

Toccata and Fugue (Bach?)