As I blamed my lack of enthusiasm about the way the election went on my hovering cold, since it's going to do whatever it's going to do, and so fine I voted but, no I didn't stay up all night watching election coverage about the coming of the anti-c-, I mean democratic messiah, because you know, i'm fighting off a cold. "Oh," says the woman who was up till 1am, reveling in the forth coming soci- erhm- revolution.
Last night I was slumped over in a bar, feeling overfed on steamed vegetables and a naughty but delicious grilled chicken sandwich when the election coverage began to get to me. I then fled under duress to the nearest Coffee Bean, where my cousin continued to text his ex- about her being a racist whore. I said, if you don't stop I'm going to leave you and shop at Ross. Even though I knew that Ross sucked in comparison to the one I went to yesterday. And still I sort of regret that I didn't leave him and go see if there was ANYTHING?! i could buy. I was RIGHT THERE.
He continued to talk about how 70% of women are shallow and like to date assholes. And the beautiful ones, forget it. I said, women aren't like that. To which he said, you're an exception. Which I was vaguely, basically latently offended. Because obviously being fat and a Christian who has moral values, rules me out of any basic commentary on what women want and what a man has to do to get them. And the reason I'm single is because I'm fat and not putting myself out there. Because to him, since he is awesomely attractive, compassionate and moderately successful, he should be able to date any woman he wants. And why is it so hard. I referred him to the Southpark Episode entitled:
"The List"... though I don't know if he realized it was mainly an inditement on him... or part of him, and what he wants.
While I vomited into my cup of Earl Grey and he texted his ex about who brought up what first, I continued to stare at Ross. Eventually I said, I have to go to bed, which included taking 2 benedryl and trying not to freak out about anything. Because though we ended up talking about hot chicks, obama, the subtle flavors of beer, his drug addict parents, and money, it really all came down to everything I believe and everything he doesn't. Which left me thinking I just want to sew my dress and make it perfect for Saturday and God, why can't he just get it. Which left me sitting here today drawing sketches about trimming bull horns and alligators attacking other alligators. And maybe going to get a latte.. like right after i post this.
For further reading on what i really wanted to repeat over and over and over about my depressed passively suicidal cousin:
here's the thing about people who are depressed, which you are, and i understand that. You are consumed with yourself. Understandably but it is at times vain and narcissistic to continually be dissatisfied with your condition and state with so much other shit going on in the world. And I know you know this, as you say. I've been there so I get it. But it's a decision that you have to make that the things you do in life, how you treat yourself, how you treat others, matters, even in the small ways. And bottom line, from a Christian perspective: Your life is not yours to give or to take. And control rests with Christ, not with you. And you have to decide to give it over to him or not. He is either bigger than you, and your life is his to do what he pleases with or he is small and worthless and not to be trusted. But I'm telling you i feel the reward in acknowledging him author of my life over EVERYTHING, and there is JOY to be had there, not just fleeting happiness. and there is worth in you! WORTH. actually. you are here for a reason. and you are VALUABLE. and necessary. being even, passively suicidial at times, you can continue on that road of disconnection, severing ties, feeding the lying monster... or you can say wait, why am i believing it? why? just because you're not where you want to be? and its ok to acknowledge and admit why you're angry, why you think it sucks, why being alone for you right now is not ok, but you need to start the work of actually loving yourself despite anything else. And understanding God loves you more than you can fathom even loving yourself or anyone. A lot of our problems, perhaps yours, lies in a deep seated need for control- control of circumstance, of life, of other people, and we spend/waste so much of our time trying to do that- it causes anger, frustration, jealousy... when we can't get what we want, right now- we continually look at the world as failing us, friends failing us, and then eventually we are failing us. We dismiss the journey, the story we have here and now even when it sucks. Also there is no one here on earth that can fix you. I firmly believe that. Nor is there anyone on earth who can complete you in the way you need to be completed. Friends, Family, a lover, girlfriend, whatever, wife--- can't ever be enough either. Because its in our nature to be fallible and at times equally self-consumed. And those demons of darkness will grasp you through all the travails of life. What you're looking for is an immediate fix that you think will fill the gap, instead of struggling with and overcoming your internal issues- over control, over not feeling loved, of not meeting the world's idea of success, and that there is deeper meaning to be had in life when taken with humility and a fuckload of hard work...
We've had this discussion, this same exact one before. I can get together and hang with you but we can't talk about this. And i'll tell you why. Not only have we discussed this before but we're philosophically different. Totally opposed. I think your pride and ego and your inability to seek help and look at things differently is causing this- but you don't. You as well as us, keep going in circles every time this issue comes up. How long are you going to continue to hold onto your beliefs in this regard, have them fail you then be unwilling to see it any other way? What are you doing differently that's going to come up with a different answer? That rules out a therapist? and why?You're depressed, so a lot of what I say is going to be lost in your tenacious need to be right- because you're looking for anything to validate your claims that this is how the world is. And your obsessed over the failures of the past, and over relationships- which you think should be easy to get because everyone else has one? And i'm telling you none of that is usually true and then you're just going to tell me why I'm wrong. I think bottom line you want to view your life as a failure, and you want to be unloved and you're unwilling to do anything about it because in some way it feeds you and gives you what you want. And you're going to tell me from an idiotic world and society view why i'm wrong to tell you that life isn't about that. The thing about faith, and i understand that you're not a christian, which is why i prefaced it by saying "from a christian perspective"... it has nothing to do with wishing to god and hoping that poof your life will magically change on a rainbow of good luck. it's literally about submitting yourself in humility over life, which you don't have control of. And you are completely wrong about it not being about control. You are a control freak, and you're in total denial about it. The reason you regret your past, regret your circumstance, is becuase you regret you can no longer control the outcome, as if at the time you could anyway. Granted life is about choice, but your chosing right now, to dwell in the misfortune of your past, and further you're making a choice to say that i'm just stuck that way, that's how i'm built.... and if you don't think you can change, make different choices, then what am i going to say to help you? I can't. You have to be willing to look at life differently- not from a materialistic standpoint, not from a success standpoint. You are chosing a vain path and it is leading you to your destruction.He took it all in good stride... but of course he replied, why shouldn't a man have pride and ego and success and money and a wife and a house and kids and the good life... and not struggle or have hardship because you know... it's like so easy. And so the snake bites the tail.
