I'm sorry,

where are we?! Have I lost you? Have we lost ourselves? It's something we have to get around to asking everyoncenawhile. Are the words gone? When we only have our intermittent vocal/visuals/touchingbase-

It's not that October has been that bad to us right? Maybe it's just fall out from the preceding months of grim penniless existences- though my mom is God's provision for me, i still can't help but think I'm cheating? Maybe that's it. I haven't been too busy selling gold and trimming hedges. My butterfly LIVES. Why didn't I jump right on and tell the story of that, I helped to save it. I pinned its silken tail to an ivy wall and it lived, or wandering by a creek just yesterday. Glorious, in the heat of the blue and the invasive reeds rising out over the rushing water- talking about gold flecks and floating down stream. Or last Thursday breaking up with Prayer Council- i tried. The blog was called 'Cutting Ties'. 90% good 10%bullshit. The subject. The feeling of it. The truth of it. My life taking a deviation after 8 years of 1/2 living, of skyrocketing spiritual insightness and church stuff. Snip. Snip. Griiiind. Slowly beginning to turn the ship- but i can't pack for it. I don't have money to shop for it. I could start to study korean if i believed i was going. I'm reading a blog. I need to start getting into the korean soaps. But the list stops there in the 'waiting for paperwork' column. Has it been such a long preperation with so little physically to show for it. And the things, just breaking off and into the goodwill bag one agonizing minute at a time since? I've been doing this for months and months.

I'm cutting the roof of my mouth on the nuts in my appleflaxseed muffins. And i still can't articulate anything between the mint gum now and the lifetime movie starring FaithfromBuffy. And nordrack rejecting me, and the CAcreditunion accepting me. What else is there? I was just telling somebody the other day it's the little things in life that are fascinating. Just because it's no longer new to you doesn't mean it's no longer interesting and i'm sure the obsessive running of diagnostic reports, defragmenting, disk cleaning must look like something from the outside. If only i could tell a story about it. Or express the feeling of being stuck. Or on a steep and brutal descent. And how that must draw you inward and deep to a quiet breathing hard and trying not to go shallow kind of place after you've just fallen or slipped and went near to dangling. We're struck in the chest intermittently by a wave of panic or a feeling of wrongness as we walk. We think, what was that. What am i feeling bad about. It strikes fast and we have to chase it down and it takes a while and we think, oh that's right. Right. Ok. And we go back to what we're doing. Shake it off. We breathe a little better.

We relook at the lists, and the calendar, and the balances, the weather, the news, the FB, and we think ok. Check. Reoriented. I haven't forgotten something. It hasn't slipped off like the other pieces of gear in the fall. I still have those things. I'm watching. I'm x-ing off the days feeling half alive with a sinus cough, chronic aches, that the rest must be dreaming. That the rest must not be for the looking. I have only so many things I can take in where I'm at. Not more. Not that. Not those jobs. Or that list. Or that project. Or the words. Not those. It's too much.

m.

Dear Pen,

this is from monday night when i went to squeeze the peppercini on my chicken and it literally exploded in my face, drenching it and a seed landed in my right eye. it was good times. obviously.

bruckner brought up some very good points as he always does- i mean if i were talking about a journey of jobs he would be a blazing highlight and of unexpected friendships too (he shouldn't feel so left out that he's not a higher blip on the church journey- you're in there too but i just dont have the head space right now to tell that story)--

so before i continue i'll address one in an addendum as i hope he wont mind that they're in a letter to you- this pushing for freedom thing is curious and he brings up a somewhatvalid and well articulated point that i do feel some of my more ambitious friends agreeing with him and nodding vigorously. so i will not dispense my wrath just yet. the woman actually meant it in a spiritual and emotional context though and she was dead wrong as i'd been doing quite a lot to unchain and unshackle myself by the time i got to her, and she was being arrogant in assuming that because my path isn't stereotypical to the totality of spiritual health i must clearly still have ISSUES. which i don't remember being a pre-requisite for the program, to be clear of them- and if she had, in some way, meant it in the other sense she'd be wrong there to- as i was in fact risking quite a lot and pushing for something i thought on the job front would really bring me some fulfillment and i was flayed alive. there was some risk there. GAME OVER. it wasn't just school. this was going to be a future and a hope AND an adventure. and i didn't get it. i will say i've done very little in the last year since then.

now my friends who aren't me are saying yes, BUT what about everything else, and my answer to those types would be to say, then God has to change me. i'm open to it. one of the greatest things we're tyrannized by is trying to be something we are incapable of being. i wish i could be a networker. i wish i could reroute my circuitry to give a damn about quite a lot of things. do i need to guard against sloth and complacency? yes. have i fallen victim to them? totally. in addition to despair and hopelessness. but i cannot make myself into something i'm not. i dont have ambition. it would be one thing to have my sights on something as a target and walk away from it. or have completed something and stopped shy of launch out of fear. i dont think i've done that quite yet. i think the problem is i have all the pieces of what could be success and accomplishment and when jobs come across my path i apply. i walk toward them with interest if not passion. but that doesn't add up to someone who is going to be successful in a worldly sense. and its beyond frustrating to talk to people who are successful and they ultimately think, well you just didn't try hard enough. as if the millions who aren't famous actors right now, and ooze talent, oh, well it's their fault. they just didn't try. or if they did, just not long enough... and that is a total crock! my abilities do not need to translate into cash. i wish for my convenience they would but they don't need to. more on this later- there's a good essay my friend wrote about it. 

also lets keep in mind what i really want to be is a wife and a mother. i would pursue that with passion in a covered wagon across the plain, if i could. i have that in my sights and i want it. and yet. and even then people will say, you're just not trying hard enough to find a husband. now that's my fault to? now, back in the day it's true i wanted to be an author and an artist. and i am those things, but even then i didn't want to be "famous"- i thought, it would be nice to be known in a circle of people, of influence for the work i do. and there i suppose is where i've failed myself but with the usual excuses of moving slow and i did in the midst, climb a volcano, and create some jewelry whilst traveling here and there. but yes, he's right penelope that i do resist change and cling to comfort. but i can't say i feel very comfortable where i'm at.
but anyway i will take it all in a good hearted, we want the best for you sort of way. there is a fine line between waiting for opportunity to fall in your lap and looking for avenues of opportunity to pursue i suppose. and i have been terribly tired of looking down the lane.

anyway pen, i've got to get breakfast as i've gone on a bit too long per usual. so we'll just have to mindmeld about amazing race commentary, swimming on monday, unexpected meetings, traveling to the airport- for now laying out, a book and maybe-- 3 things from you just came up. what are they! i must go check.

m.